


Fantasy

by sombreset



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: A very melancholy time for everyone, Alcohol/Smoking, Atem is confused, Illustrated, Lots of anxiety and panic attacks, M/M, Post-Canon, Prideshipping, Puzzleshipping, Seto is sad, Slow burn and fluff, Weekly Updates, Yugi is a college dropout, also possible situations w/ death, lots of talk about life and death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2018-09-13 20:25:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 122,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9140947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sombreset/pseuds/sombreset
Summary: Two years have passed since the Ceremonial Duel, and everyone's lives continued in a monotonous pattern.Yugi dropped out of school and spends his time at local teashops. Kaiba cut all ties with everyone and spends his time in the solitude of his home.Eventually, the one who had always seemed to exist in-between the cycles of life and death wakes up in a forest clearing with no knowledge of the cause.Atem.But time changes people, and nothing seems to be the same.





	1. Chapter 1

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

 

It was raining hard. The sun had set, the cement smelled of must and gloom. People walked by.  Some were rushing home. Others were taking their time, looking up, around, letting rain adorn their faces. It always gathered there, rolled down skin in a collective.

There was a small tea shop on the outskirts of downtown that looked too old and quiet for talkative tourists. Every Monday morning, a young adult sat in the corner and drew sketches that would be seen by nobody but himself. His life came to an abrupt halt two years ago and then it slowly continued in the monotonous patterns of living. Ever since _he_ left, he hadn’t felt motivation to do much of anything. He was absently sketching, it was always _him_. The baristas knew their weekly visitor well. He always sat in the same place. The table in the back of the house. It was made of dark mahogany with two mismatched chairs; one was significantly taller than the other one. He assumed the people there just thought he was egotistical when he caught their eyes looking down at his drawings. _He wasn’t surprised; Atem looked just like him after all._ One time, a worker had asked him why he drew himself so much. He told her that he was drawing someone he lost. She didn’t understand. _How could she?_  

He closed his eyes, thought of the day he left, the night that followed it.

 

* * *

 

 

_The drive back to the game shop was silent. His grandfather had given up trying to talk to him a few hours ago. Yugi only had the capacity to stay strong when Atem walked into the otherworldly light. Then the door shut, and it was dark again. He realized._

_Atem was gone. He was gone forever._

_He would never hear him speak bright words again._

_When the car stopped, Yugi knew there was an undeniable part missing inside of him. An abyss in his life and soul that had been occupied for so many years. His mind was so damn quiet, it scared him to think about anything._

_Yugi shut the door of the car, stared into the backseat window. There was a part of himself that was still in the cab that wasn’t allowed to leave. And it was shouting, crying for Yugi to return. It was the end of the chain of events that changed his life. He could backtrack everything in his mind. Where the taxi picked them up from the airport, when he got off the plane in Domino. When the flight attendants announced the planes descent, welcomed all passengers to Japan. The numerous stops they made, all leading back to the departure from Egypt. Being escorted away from that place in the desert and back into the city. The collapsed pile of ancient rubble. The millennium items disappearing into nothingness. When the door shut and the light left. Atem. Atem, Atem, Atem, he wished he could hear him speak his own name one more time._

_He had finally understood him completely, and that was his cue to leave. There was no reflecting back on their adventure, what they could have done better. And damn it, he was so upset he didn’t embrace him at the finish. Mad he didn't, just once, allow Atem to feel joy in the mundane tasks of life. Birthdays. Coffee. Books, and baths._

_“Thank you,” Solomon told the taxi driver, paid him his fare. The taxi driver took the payment, murmured obligatory gratitude. He drove away, leaving Yugi and his grandfather alone at the front porch._

_Solomon unlocked the door, left the lights off. They were always too bright. They set their travel bags on the floor._

_He turned to Yugi, patted his shoulder. “You’ve… had a long day Yugi. Go get some rest.” His tone was unnatural. Everything felt surreal, but it was more normal than any event within the past 2 years._

_Yugi tried to say something, but nothing came out. He stared at him for a moment before giving up and turning to walk upstairs. He felt the wooden boards beneath his feet groan in protest of his weight. It was the only noise he heard, he was happy for it. Everything was just so quiet, there was a soft ringing in his ears that wouldn’t go away._

_Now at the door to his room, he pressed his palm to the doorknob._

_(Gods, it was cold)_

_He sighed. On the exhale his throat was suddenly tight; he tried to swallow it down. It didn’t work. He clenched his teeth, face contorted with emotional frustration._

_Eyes closed._

_He saw him, but he wasn’t looking back_

_He was looking at his friends, his family, from long ago. Where he belonged._

_He should be happy for him._

_But he wasn’t._

_He was mad at him._

_He turned the knob to the door and let go. It creaked open slowly, revealing his room. The one he had slept in alone for years. He stood in the doorway for a long time, listening to the silence. The light tapping of rain on the window in the ceiling. He walked over to his bed, sat down. There was a thin layer of dust on everything, he saw the reflection of tiny particles on his desk. Papers were disheveled, scattered everywhere. Travel plans. Itineraries. Still a mess from when he and Atem left._

_He looked at the wall across from him, letting his mind absorb the complete vacancy. He thought of nothing, only felt the pain that started in stomach and rose to his throat._

_He felt the backside of his neck, brushing his fingers on bare skin above the hem of his shirt. There was always the weight of chains and the puzzle there, it felt so light now. He didn’t like it._

_God, he didn’t like it at all_

_His hands slid from his neck to his face, hands supporting his head, arms resting on his knees._

_He sat there, crying into his palms quietly. He never broke into hysterics, never bawled. But he didn’t sleep that night. He only listened to the silence. His stomach hurt._

 

* * *

 

 

He took the long route home. It was close to a natural park full of trees and life, all the plants were glistening. He stopped there to draw sometimes, drew whatever came to mind. _Usually him._ He had taken a break from school this year, he was too exhausted and stressed to focus on the future. _Not when he was so tied to the past, so tired, so tired._

He just lived, just got up in the mornings, went to bed at night.

He wasn’t ready to go back.

He walked out to the grassy clearing near a wooden bench that had become a home to moss years ago. The wooden panels had fallen from its iron support on either side and had merged with the mud and grass below. Yugi gazed down on the relic. He brushed his hand on cold, wet metal. He kept on staring with disinterest, before looking forward.

He closed his eyes, breathed in slowly. Exhaled. Stood still.

Listened to the noises

There were so many, the rustling of leaves, shifting of branches, scampers of wildlife, drops of rain

It helped fill the void in his head with life. _It had been two years._

He listened. Listened more. Inhaled, exhaled. Rain drops held onto his eyelashes, rolled down his face, caressed his skin

_And he listened._

He shifted his step. Something was different. Something was wrong.

He opened his eyes and looked around, _was he being watched?_

He swore he heard a voice. Felt ghosted. Something.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” Yugi's voice was awkward and loud amongst the trees.

He waited until the echoes of his voice were lost. There was nothing.

He decided on leaving the park, started to take steps towards his familiar exit before his anxieties got the best of him.

He heard breathing, he heard skin shuffling against grass.

Icicles pierced his spine and neck, heard how his quick exhales shook. He turned his head to look around. There was a tiny path leading further into the forest, he had been there a million times. But this time, it called to him with an indescribable power that tugged at his mind as if he had left something there long ago and forgot about it.

He ran towards the noise, _he didn’t know why._ He felt, _no he knew,_ that it was right. He was supposed to run like it was fate.

The wind graced his cheeks and tangled his unruly ash blonde bangs

So many noises, _so familiar, what is this?_

He suddenly came to a stop, though he wasn’t sure if he had meant to. He didn’t _tell_ his legs to stop moving, they just did. There was another clearing, shrouded in trees with tiny rays of light that created blotches of color on the ground.

He stopped breathing.

_There was a person on the ground, there, sleeping._

The person was lying on his side, back faced towards Yugi. His back moved slightly with the motions of breathing, but it was slow. His skin was stunning. Beautiful, no scars. It seemed to be the body of a young adult that had been crafted by Gods, untouched by the elements of Earth.

Yugi felt brave.

“Excuse me?” Yugi tried, but the man did not move.

His brain nagged the obvious; don’t approach sleeping naked men in the woods. But _something was different._ He was pulled towards this man like a magnet. He was captivated by this form that was curled on the grass, it drew him in with a force that Yugi didn’t understand, but it felt _familiar_.

He took a cautious step forward, no response.

Another. Nothing.

He didn’t jump out and attack him. A good sign.

He took a deep breath, blinked the rainwater from his eyes.  A shaky hand hovered over the exposed bare shoulder.

Something was so familiar about him, Yugi trusted this.

But then, he _looked at him._

His hands were shaking.

The man had dark red hair that looked black in the shadows, ash blonde bangs. Just like his. A face like his.

He knew this man.

_Oh my Gods, Oh God,_

“Atem!” Yugi cried out, no other word rang truer in his head.

_Oh my Gods, my life, it’s moving,_

_I can feel life moving_


	2. Chapter 2

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

****

 

* * *

 

No amount of texts and books could define the emotions that seemed to overflow, pour out of him and onto the unconscious.

_I can feel it_

_My life is moving_

Yugi shook his shoulder harder than he meant to. Tried to shake life into him, because he knew that this should be a trick. He was breathing so hard, Atem, _Gods,_ he wanted him to breathe faster too.

The sun disappeared behind the clouds, and the forest shrouded the two figures in their own private sanctuary, a place of their own. The leaves and their shadows left little patches of light on Atem, and _Gods_ the skin looked brand new. It looked as if it had never been scratched once, flawless. It was beautiful, unsettling.

The grass around Atem flattened under his moving weight, his back shifting slightly. Muscles contracting, stretching themselves into consciousness. There was a small twig that hung from tangled hair when his head lifted. Crunched up pieces of dying leaves. Yugi heard small mutters, groans, barely audible through the rustle of branches. It was cold outside.

Yugi felt his legs unfreeze. He walked to the other side of him to look at his face. There was no doubt. Absolutely none. But the assurance of his facial features was nothing compared to the _feeling_ of being near his soul.

Yugi had no words, he just looked at his face.  _This face was crafted thousands of years ago._ It was foreboding to see him alive. But he ignored it.

The corners of Atem’s eyelids began to twitch before lashes revealed the deep red color that only Atem’s irises possessed, still slightly dull from unconsciousness. Yugi had forgotten them, he only saw them that once. In his memories. His rite of passage.

Yugi saw his eyes drift to his own, squinting in the small rays of sun.

They stared at each other. No words, as if their bodies were still one and the same, and thoughts sufficed just as well. Atem’s mouth parted to speak, to gasp quietly when he recognized the person in front of him.

 “…Yugi?”

He had held it in long enough. Yugi screamed, tears forming and arms reaching out for embrace. _God, he had missed him so much_

He felt his skin.

Yugi cried into Atem’s hair which smelled neither dirty or of shampoo, _just clean._ It muffled the raw tremble in his voice. “Oh, Atem… I missed you. I missed you so much. Why are you _—“_ He shook his head. “Not important. Gods, I missed you, but, but _how—_ ” He sighed, a small sob, his fingers clenched him tighter. “Oh, hell, I don’t care. I don’t care right now. You are here, oh my Gods, Atem, you’re here, you came back."

Yugi laughed, and cried, and Atem remained quiet. His presence screamed with euphoria, but he felt like he was dreaming.

 _But he wouldn’t be dreaming, how could he?_ He felt the Earth beneath him, saw his own skin through blurred eyes. Felt his eyelids move. _Gods, he could feel his heart beating, his bones moved._

He wanted to hug Yugi back because _he was never allowed to,_

But

But.

The Autumn breeze tickled tiny hairs on his thigh.

Words were hard _,_ there were never phrases created that could compare to the past and present between them.

Atem finally spoke, disoriented.

 “I am, uh, happy to…”

He trailed off.

His shoulders were cold, he was wearing only his bare skin.  _Oh._

Suddenly self aware, he tried to speak again. “Parter _—_ uh, _Yugi_ , I, um…” A pause. Yugi began to quiet. “Why am I undressed?”

Yugi looked down. Instinctual, and accidental. 

Atem suddenly sat up, censoring himself from Yugi’s glances, but the trees seemed to have eyes, too. It was terrible, feeling naked in a world that had forgotten about him entirely.

A light jacket was thrown into Atem’s lap. He quickly tied the arm sleeves of the jacket around his hips, a crappy excuse of a skirt. He looked up, Yugi was looking elsewhere.

“...Sorry, I really don’t know, actually. I found you here on my way home,” Yugi said. He looked down at Atem. Worried. He had hoped Atem wasn’t as confused as he was, that he had a reason for falling from the law of cycles and back into his life.

 Yugi’s voice was quiet. The wind could easily eat his voice, suck the warm air from his lungs.

“You don’t remember? …Why you are here?”

“I…” Atem stared at Yugi’s shoes. _There was a reason. He could feel it. But he couldn’t decipher the meaning._ He waited for his thoughts. They never came. “No. I don’t.”

“…Oh.”

The clichés filled their minds, they thought of the puzzle. The memories trapped within.

Nostalgia. 

The wind picked up again, screamed against Atem’s bare skin. His head tilted up to gaze at Yugi, and for the first time in what felt like eons, he looked at him closely.

He,

He just,  _looked_ at him.

Atem wasn’t sure how much time had passed since his departure but he could tell that Yugi was slightly older, his eyes beginning to soften into a calm gaze in comparison to the wide eyed curiosity he had when he first met him. He was wearing a soft looking beige scarf with tiny designs that Atem didn’t recognize. At one time, he had known Yugi’s entire wardrobe because it was also his own. But everything he wore now was foreign to him. He dressed in a melancholy sort of way, as if his body only called for clothing that gave off the aroma of a quiet coffee shop that was about to close, the red rays of the sun casting onto pale colored cups sitting on the shelves. His hair looked a little shorter in the back, but his ash blonde bangs still curled around his face so naturally, they beckoned Atem to try and see if they were softer than his own. _But… the color of his eyes… he had forgotten about his eyes._ They weren’t as bright and vividly purple, but the way that the shade of the trees shadowed and brightened them made them gleam in _so_ many different hues, an aurora of violets that he had never seen before.

Well, he had seen them,

_But now, something… something was different._

When he saw Yugi’s face, he wasn’t seeing a reflection that also carried his own spirit as well. His face was entirely separate from his own. They both had two faces, four hands between the two of them. Two stomachs that were breathing slowly in the cold. Two sets of lips, eyes that closed.

Atem stopped breathing, only for a second. His chest was light with the uncertainty of the future and all of his wishful thinking.

An idea discarded long ago because of complications, but now…

Now it was possible.

And the idea burned Atem’s skin.

He… he could love him. He already did, always had, but could _love_ Yugi. Hold his hand. Make him smile, touch his cheek.

_Hold his hand_

_Hold his hand…_

He was looking at the tiny details on Yugi’s wrists. His uneven fingernails, he had been biting them recently.

“Atem,” Yugi started, his eyes wet with the idea of tears. “You’ve been staring at me for a few minutes now. I love you, but you’re naked, and we need to go. If someone walked by, that would cause troubles beyond both of our cares.”

The sky was orange, the sun was ready to set.

Yugi started to look around and Atem’s world fuzzed around him.

His words were casual, but _oh God they were so perfect._

He latched onto those words like his life depended on them. For all he knew, it did.

_‘…at me for a few minutes now. I love you, but you’re naked, and…’_

_‘…now. I love you, but…’_

_‘I love you,’_

He heard it over and over again. He knew Yugi probably meant it platonically, but he _said it._ Atem knew he was being foolish, craving the unknown, holding onto it because he had no idea what to grasp onto in this new chance at life.

 _“…I love you,”_ Atem whispered Yugi’s words to himself, once out loud but a thousand more times in his head. 

“Huh?”

Yugi.

_Yugi._

Memories flew over their heads.

“Oh, nothing,” Atem responded quickly.

Yugi looked down at him suspiciously before smiling. His eyes squinted slightly when his cheeks rose with the toothy grin that Atem was lucky enough to see again.

He offered a hand to him.

“C’mon, Atem.” Yugi’s hand was open, warm. The gateway into whatever new fate the Gods had birthed into the world.

The gesture was natural to Yugi. He had the other existence in his soul back. He was past being surprised because Atem’s presence was so natural, _so accepted,_ that it was contentedly absorbed back into him the second he recognized him.

Atem took his hand.

And they left the forest,

They went home.

_Finally, Atem was home._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Minor character death mention.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

 

Getting home was relatively easy, avoiding stares was not. The Gods apparently did not see it fit to send him to Earth with clothes. Luckily, Yugi had worn many layers of clothes that day and was able to cover up Atem decently. Thankful for their mirrored body size and structure ( _fate is strange_ ), Yugi‘s coat fit him like it had already been worn on his body for years. The only problem was that it was _just_ short enough to be uncomfortable in every way. Neither being confident enough to walk in Domino bare legged, they found an alternative. Yugi’s scarf was eventually unraveled and tied around Atem’s waist like a skirt, much to his embarrassment. Yugi laughed. A lot.

_He loved that laugh_

They took the back roads, talked about little things. Yugi told him about the tea shop but declined Atem’s request to see his sketchbook. He would take him there tomorrow. Yugi talked to fill empty space when nothing was said, he had always feared silence since _then_ , since his mind became quiet. Now his mind was full, but it was too sudden. There were no fluent thoughts, only strings of words that knotted together like the wires of discarded electronics in landfills. Atem said little, only offered content agreements. He was too busy watching how the wind played with Yugi’s hair, how the long blonde strands caught on his cheeks, how it mixed into the unruly mess of dark purple when it flew past his ears. He watched his hands, how they came to life when he spoke words and moved with emphasis. The goosebumps on his arms when his cardigan folded back, sliding about when his expressive motions were just a bit more excited.

His fingers were red from the cold, nose and cheeks tinted. But his eyes stayed the same, they remained that beautiful disorder of colors. He saw stress below his eyelids, where it had gathered and collected over time. He looked too happy to be scarred with anxiety and sadness, but Atem knew how Yugi was. He would always tell him everything is okay.

Time passed, the sky was beautiful.

They were home now, the warmth of recycled air filling their lungs, thawing their toes.

Yugi gently shut the door to the game shop, the bell overhead jingling slightly with the disturbance.

Atem looked around, the shop looked relatively the same, but it was filled with entirely different merchandise than the last time he was there, only a few things were recognizable, tiny objects, old promotional posters. It had been a while, he assumed, it made sense that everything had changed. But it made him sad.

His thoughts shifted when his makeshift skirt did.

He nudged Yugi with his elbow gently.

“Hey, is grandpa awake? I, uh…” A nervous chuckle. “I don’t want him to see me dressed so… strangely.”

Yugi smiled, but his eyes weren’t happy. Atem didn’t know what was in them. Indescribable, and it hurt that he didn’t know what he was thinking. That they could no longer speak through their souls, they existed in different sets of bones, different beating hearts.

He saw Yugi’s eyes focus on something across the room, but he wasn’t sure what. There were too many unfamiliar items, he was angry that he no longer knew what _this_ Yugi liked, the Yugi that had survived and lived while he did not, and he could never have those memories.

There was silence between them, the noise of wind outside. All the items in the room seemed so dusty.

Yugi spoke first.

“Grandpa… died last year.”

He quickly looked up at Atem, _knowing_ his mind, _knowing_ he was going to start saying something apologetic, pity him, comfort him, anything. “It’s okay, really. I’ve had time to cope.” He smiled.

The indescribable look in his eyes lingered. They locked on the unknown object that existed elsewhere once more.

“He lived a happy life, you know.” He rubbed at his nose. “He died of pretty natural causes. Don’t worry. Besides, he wouldn’t have wanted you to see him so sick.”

The smile faded. Finally, his eyes were sincere.

“Nobody did. I didn’t.”

Atem stepped closer, wrapped his arms around Yugi.

He was warm, he smelled like tea.

“I know you don’t want me to say this, but I really _am_ sorry. I wish I could’ve been here for you.” Atem's voice was quiet, but it still echoed off the walls.

Yugi breathed out a sigh into his _own_ coat on his other self, _on Atem’s own body._ Yugi curled his fingers around his back, the mirror of himself. He loved all of the distortions it created. Through him, _through the mirror,_ only then could see himself. He did fine all these years without him. But once again, just like the years of the past, he didn’t understand how functioning without him could be possible. He was moving once more, oh _Gods_ Atem was moving, _Atem was moving_. Breathing. Alive.  

Gods, he was so important.

He pulled back, noticing how Atem’s fingers lingered on his arms longer than what would be deemed as normal.

Still shocked by the concept of ‘touch.’

“Ever since Grandpa passed away, I’ve been trying to take control of the shop.” A pause. “I kind of gave up, though… I didn’t really know what I was doing, how to price things, how to sell things, stock and bills. And with school, I just… I didn’t have time. I left everything the way it was.”

That explains the dust.

Atem gazed around the room. The shop was frozen in a time between promising youth and the end of a moment. Solomon seemed to have taken the colors of life with him when he passed on, they followed him out the door. Disappeared into the sky. What was left was an arrangement of items that had no purpose, yet they remained exactly where they were. Atem knew, somehow, that these objects in empty spaces would never be for sale. It was like the store became a photograph, an exhibit locked in time. The items in the room were reminders, tiny spirits that only meant something to those who remembered the man who cared so much for the shop.

Yugi forced a smile. Patted his arm. An unfamiliar exchange of gazes.

“The living area is much cleaner, I can show you around if you’d like?”

Atem nodded, smiled. He understood, Yugi wanted to leave. As he walked to the back of the store, Yugi tried to rub warmth into his arms. The front area wasn’t heated, the reminder of emptiness blowing frigid air and filling the absence. Dust in the air sparkled like frost when it floated into long lines of light.

As they walked through door, Atem noticed that the interior of the living area was a lot cozier than the shop, nothing like he remembered it from years past. He knew. Yugi rarely spent time in the other area. That was Solomon’s, a quiet memorial. This place, though, was his own entirely.  There were candles throughout the house that smelled like trees and wild flowers, bookshelves filled with novels and games. _That much hadn’t changed._

Everything else…

_It was so calm._

All of the colors in the room faded into blends of dark colored mahogany and indoor plants. Small photos of Yugi with others. A younger Solomon with people he didn’t recognize. A coat hanger near the door that had been overloaded, a few jackets and hats crumpled on the floor beneath. His duel disk sat on a small table near the only TV in the house, a small thing by current standards that barely worked. The TV had dust on the screen, one of the little knobs on the lower panel that changed channels had been chipped. All of them no longer had painted dials; they had long since been worn away from use. The duel disk was scratched from use, but it seemed to be the only item in that corner that was dusted often. There were no cards in it. The old couch remained, cushions faded and thin. A brown blanket with quiet undertones was draped lazily over the back, a half full glass of water sitting on the floor where feet might rest. The shelves were crammed with old books, all of which seemed to previously belong to Solomon, complicated texts about the history of Egypt. Atem tried not to think about the passing of time.

There was a stuffed bear sitting on the couch, its plush texture matted and flat in some areas. Atem thought back, he remembered seeing it once before on Yugi’s bed early in his days of sharing a body with him. He didn’t say anything, but Yugi had clearly seen his eyes lock on it. Yugi was flustered, suddenly switching places with him and quickly hiding it under his sheets. After that day, he never saw it out again. Only once when he opened the closet door and it was sitting on one of the upper shelves.

Atem smiled. He found something else to focus on, he didn’t want Yugi to be embarrassed.

He ceased focusing on minor details, skimmed his eyes across every surface, every item, saw bits and pieces. It was a pleasant house, but Atem could tell. Yugi spent most of his time here. Did he still see his friends? He still didn’t know how long it had been since…

That day, the day he should have stayed dead.

It seemed like fate had different plans for him, different ways it can tear at his heart with the allure of impossible retirement, the impossible dream that he could just relax and live in a contented obliviousness.

Atem knew better.

Yugi lit the candles that smelled of trees and wild flowers. Atem would have found them comforting if he didn’t see how they destroyed the soft union of colors in the room. Rather than a fade between hues and shades, they created contrasting edges and curves where shadows danced on the walls, casted by every tiny item that circled around himself and the one whom he lived for. They swayed when the fire bent against slight breezes. It was as if the darkness in the puzzle, that damned artifact, _the most important item from the most important time of his life_ was laughing at him, throwing slender arms of shade about and rejoicing at Atem’s lack of purpose to exist.

It was dark outside now, the sun had set. Starlight shone through the tiny kitchen window. Little porcelain birds sat on the sill. There were tiny plants that should have been watered more, they were dying. A ray of fluorescent light from the open fridge suddenly angled across the floor, illuminating Yugi’s tired face.

“Hm. I honestly only have leftover pasta from the other day. Is that okay? Sorry.”

They had never discussed eating. Atem assumed Yugi was just as confused about where to start again as he was.

“Yeah, that should be fine.”

Yugi stared at his face, his legs, around him, little pieces of him, and back up to his face again.

“You do… Like. Feel hunger and stuff, right? Like, your body needs that?” Yugi’s cheeks were dusted pink with embarrassment. Such an odd question.

Atem chuckled. “Yeah, I am hungry actually. It’s been a few thousand years since I tried, right?” _A bad joke._ “I think food would be nice.” He shifted his weight. “It’s different to be with you as my own person and discuss dinner plans with you. Usually whatever you said went,” a laugh. “Spirits don’t get hungry, I guess.” _Another bad joke._ It was also the most he had spoken since he was newly alive. His body felt okay, his mind was racing once more. But now there was lingering terror in his awoken state.

An odd conversation. Atem didn’t know what to say. Neither did Yugi. Both had prepared themselves to never see each other again, and now, years later, they had both moved onward into different stages of silence, both flat sounds in their own way.

 

Yugi grabbed the food out of the fridge and shut the door. He turned a yellowed light on overhead, walked over to one of the cabinets in the kitchen and pulled out two bowls (he was still barely tall enough to reach) and began scooping food into them. It smelled like basil and fresh tomatoes.

Yugi kept his eyes trained on the task at hand, an excuse for no more words to be spoken.

Suddenly, Atem realized that he knew the other one better than he thought. He didn’t miss how Yugi bent his head lower than usual to hide his eyes from Atem with his long bangs.

Yugi must have forgotten that they once shared the same meeting of souls, that they adopted habits and tendencies from each other.

“Yugi, what’s wrong?”

Thin shoulders started to shake. He held a fork above one of the bowls. Shaking hands were causing noodles that were once tangled around it to fall into the bowl below.

“I. I don't.”

Atem watched him break down.

He saw the barrier Yugi had encased himself in dissolve into the corners of the room where the candles didn’t reach. Tiny sobs gave way to bigger ones, the kind that always lead to the type of crying that is usually best done alone. The kind that is audible and raw. The kind of despair that is best buried away with the other natural human tendencies that show the weaknesses that all humans possess.

Yugi’s head jerked up to look at him.

His eyes were wide and scared, an expression that screamed with the need for comfort, big crystallized tears that swallowed up images of flickering candlelight rolled down his face slower than Atem thought possible. Lips trembling and dry. Yugi was desperate to _feel_ something, to share the empty spaces in his mind with Atem one more time.

Even after all those years, there was still a silence in his head that could be filled by nothing, it just left the ringing sound that can only be heard when things are _too damn quiet._ And here was that person that used to fill up the empty spaces in his mind so nicely. But everything, _everything_ just seemed so different. So much had happened since Atem left, he never expected him to exist in a physical form, never expected to reheat leftovers for him.

And now here he was,

His mirror,

His _beacon_ ,

His blinding light that always led him to safer places.

Atem was quick to glide over to the shaking form at the counter. His arms were around Yugi’s waist and they screamed “I want you to be okay, I want to tell you everything is going to be okay because you deserve to be happy.” But arms couldn't speak and it was for the best.

 The future could not be predicted, and Atem couldn’t fix this.

He rested his chin on Yugi’s shoulder, and Yugi cried into his makeshift outfit. He heard the tiny noises that tears made when they fell onto a new surface, away from distress.

“Yugi, is…”

“I don’t know.” 

Atem tried to pull his head back and look at Yugi. Instead, he felt hands there. Hands that held his head from moving like a safety net made of pale skin. Fingers threaded through soft protrusions of hair.

“You don’t know?” Atem spoke carefully. Quietly. He rubbed circles onto his back. Felt alive in all of this suffering.

“I don’t.”

“Okay.”

Yugi continued to cry. And Atem knew he wasn’t lying.

Words only expressed the surface of unspoken feelings and stories that flooded the room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning:  
> Very explicit and abstract depiction of a panic attack.

 

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

 

* * *

 

 

They ate dinner together. It was silent, other than the occasional sniffle from Yugi. Aftermath from his breakdown earlier. They didn’t talk about it.

After the dishes were neatly stacked in the sink, the candles were blown out. Atem couldn’t help but feel relieved; he felt their presence like vultures. He was afraid that if he stood still for too long the shadows would mistake him for dead and take him back. Use their soot colored claws to dig into his flesh and turn him back into dust.

He turned to Yugi, his frame outlined with porcelain, the stars from beyond the glass panels in the room created mirages. Disordered purple eyes stared into his own.

“So…” Eyes focused on something over Atem’s shoulder. He couldn’t follow where those colors went.

“About sleeping arrangements.” Yugi looked anxious, nervous.

Atem didn’t answer, only stared somewhere in Yugi’s direction.

Oh.

That.

Atem felt something twist in his stomach, something that felt like bliss, embarrassment, and pain. He scratched at the back of his neck, suddenly very aware that he still hadn’t changed into reasonable clothing. Forced small smiles from both of them.

“Yeah,” A laugh that felt out of place, “I guess before, we had the same body, and…”

Silence hurt their ears.

Atem’s voice spoke a bit too loud.

“I can, there’s the couch,” Atem offered, voice strained. “I can sleep there.”

Yugi looked at him with an expression that seemed like affirmation being drowned out by other emotions that didn’t have names yet.

His eyes said ‘okay.’

Atem logically understood Yugi’s response.

_Then why does it feel like he just stabbed him in the stomach?_

_Why does it feel like Yugi choked all of the air out of his body with just his eyes?_

_Why does this tiny detail, a bed, a couch, the room they slept in, feel like the choice between unity and the void?_

Atem choked out a laugh. Yugi picked up the lack of humor in it, but didn’t say anything.

Yugi’s face was unreadable but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the _screaming_ that was going on in his head. The same soul was in front of him. So why, why were things so damn _terrible_? It had to be true, there was a third person there shrieking at both of them. A third voice that was altering their words, their gestures, their minds. If he didn’t know any better, he would ask the third person to… _No,_ not to kill him exactly, but just to…

Allow himself not to exist for a while.

Come back when he was ready.

_But time is what destroyed everything._

Yugi sighed louder than he meant to. “…Yeah.”

His throat felt constricted. His head hurt. He would not cry.

“Here, let’s go to my room. You should probably put on, uh, something else.”

Atem nodded. The stars past the window panes casted rays of gold on his features.

He began to follow Yugi in at a confusing distance—and almost bumped into him when Yugi suddenly turned around to face him. Looked up at him. Fierce determination smoothly blending with fright, the kind you see in someone who was being backed into a wall, a knife smooth against the thin skin of the neck.

“Atem, I. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m making this weird, I don’t want to. I really am happy you are here and Gods, I missed you more than anything. I don’t know… I don’t know what I’m feeling or why but I…”

The fright overtook determination.

“I… I’m scared. I don’t know why, but I’m scared.” His vision hazily focused on a button that was snug against _his_ jacket, which was snug against Atem. “I… I know we are both the same people we were back then… but… something is wrong and I _hate it._ ” His eyes traced the tiny threads that snaked in and out of the button holes, tiny motions that were as repetitive and ornate as ocean tides during the nights when nobody was there to see them. “I hate it.”

Atem looked at him. Horrified. He swore the shadows on the floor moved. They twitched at him. They were hungry. Starved dogs. He couldn’t do it anymore. He knew what he was feeling. He knew what the blistering fire in his stomach was. It threatened to burn the lining of his intestines and smolder his skin. It threatened to peel away at his flesh and bones so Yugi could see all of his fallacies and ugliness underneath.

_He needed to tell him._

The sentence started. No turning back. If he didn’t speak now, he was sure he would burst into flames and get swallowed up by the darkest recesses of his mind.

“Yugi. Yugi, I…”

_Tell him._

The shadows played hide and seek in the carpet.

“I…”

 _The fire_. The fire, it caught up to his heart. He was burning. The shadows were done playing with each other. They were turning their gazes to him. His heart was burning, beating, trying to scrape oxygen out of the room but there was too much smoke.

“Atem?”

Why did Yugi sound so far away? Why did he _look_ so far away?

His hands were cold and tingling, _the shadows_

He was so warm, blistering, voices in his ears. But the world was so _cold._

Atem attempted to form another start of a sentence, but it ended up coming out as incoherent vowel sounds.

His ears were ringing. The shadows were screaming, in his ears, they were there and they were _screaming_

They found him, touched him.

They grabbed onto his legs with their disgusting soot fingers and pulled at the joint of his knees. He stayed standing, but he shifted to the side, suddenly finding comfort with a hand firmly planted against the wall. The shadows unfolded from the floor and laced their bony fingers with his, they were squeezing too tight his hand was going to break.

He heard Yugi screaming somewhere in the distance. Maybe in another room.

Or at least, he thought that until he felt arms wrap around him. The sudden change in position,  _Yugi’s presence,_ his loving, fuzzy spirit destroyed the little balance Atem had left.

_Which was currently as fragile as crystalized champagne glasses_

His hand slipped from the textured surface of the hallway, the soot fingers shoved his knees down with the force of the thick air that surrounded everything.

 The shadows retreated from their places on the walls and met him on the carpet where his body slumped into a sweating, shameful mess.

 

Atem’s eyes were wide and unfocused, staring distantly into some area of the floor. The fall took Yugi with it and he ended up somewhat tangled in Atem before removing himself. He screamed a little bit as Atem’s leg came down on his own, _the weight of his entire existence_ was falling into him. Atem’s breathing was ragged and uneven in pace, a thin layer of sweat glistened in the pale lighting. His body was shaking. It was like something in him snapped and broke.

Something had changed in death.

 Yugi lightly dug his nails into the skin on his cheekbone with one hand, stressed thoughts flying through his mind. He was trying to figure out how to fix the broken mess he was tangled with. Body and soul.

His mouth opened with the intent of producing words, but he couldn’t think a single thought long enough for anything to come out. He lightly shook him. Atem was a storm.

 

Atem was sure Yugi was still around, but _Gods_ he couldn’t see anything. The last thing he saw was the blurred texture of the floor before the shadows rolled into the sides of his vision, slowly dancing to the center until he could see nothing but darkness. His eyes were wide open, but the world was dark.

He was dizzy. He was sure he was dying.

He could feel his stomach moving with the motions of breathing, but he couldn’t hear it. It was too fast, he couldn’t stop. He felt his head begin to roll back with defeat-

Suddenly lips. Lips on his.

_Soft… he could feel the shape of his mouth, that soft mouth, pressing onto his own. Hair brushing on cold sweaty cheeks, arms wrapped around his shivering spine, and oh Gods he clung onto the moment like it was going to save him. His heart fluttered, everything was shining, the world was saved, he was saved_

The shadows ran away as quickly as they came, the light that surged through him shined like tiny beacons through every pore. He could hear the screams of the shadows as they crawled out from inside him and back into the cracks in the floor. His eyes were soon cleared from all darkness, the brightness of skin in front of him glowed with so much comfort it hurt.

The room paled out from beneath the tangled mess of their anxieties and sweat. No longer was the room dark or bright, it just existed in the varying shades of grayscale that washed away everything. But to Atem, it was like all of the fights, all of the tears, and the thousands of years waiting had fated him into this moment. He wasn’t sure what was happening around him, but the one in front of him, the motions he felt on his skin, it felt _right._

Yugi’s lips peeled away from his, barely a centimeter of space before them. A shaky breath cooled the moisture on Atem’s skin. _He wanted to see Yugi’s eyes_. He wanted to see that his life was complete in them. That the shadows had dissolved from the overwhelming feeling that _this_ is where Atem should be. That he deserves this life, and that he deserves to die with the one that meant more to him than anything, anybody, ever has. Yugi pulled back, slowly. Shaking.

Atem stayed where he was. Still, _so quiet._

Flickering eyes searched desperately, warm puffs of breath still filling the space around them. The remainder of Atem’s panic attack from moments prior.

Yugi’s face came into focus. Atem held his breath. His reason to exist had changed for this person, passion blinding all else.

 

Eyes met there, that night.

 

 

An unforgettable exchange.

 

 

 

Yugi looked terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> I suppose I should mention now, the next chapter is quite rough. There is a bit of yelling, crying, and more panicking. There is a reason for other relationship tags, and it will become pretty evident in the next chapter. That being said, a major concept I try to portray with this fic is that strong emotions often lead to irrational behavior. This fic is mostly based around Atem, Yugi, and Kaiba's experiences and they all have their own personal damages. All three of them do things that aren't very nice because people aren't perfect, and sometimes strong passion or negative moods can override logic.  
> No character in this fic, pairings aside, will be neglected or forgotten, each of their relationships with each other (romantic or otherwise) are extremely important.  
> I suppose I'm saying this just to warn that things do go pretty downhill, but by no means does this mean that any character is going to become irrelevant or eventually disappear from the story. 
> 
> All that being said, reviews are always nice and helpful, and once again, thank you for reading up to this point.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning:  
> Explicit description of a panic attack, lots of shouting.  
> Light self harm out of nervous habit.

  _In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

  
Atem’s stomach, his heart, the ceiling dropped with an incomprehensible amount of weight.

This was not the look he wanted.

_This was not the look he wanted._

The stress that had bubbled and festered since Atem’s return had exploded, leaving a bloody mess of irreversible decisions in its wake. _Disgusting, disgusting._ They had both undeniably murdered the bond they created over the years. What was left was a gruesome assembly of the pieces, scraps after the accident, a tower of bits and flesh that reeked with sin and maturity. Beads of blood dripped down the memories of better times, partnership, and innocence.

Yugi’s hands were shaking, cold sweat. His eyes, _oh Gods, his eyes_

“Atem, I… I’m so sorry,” _Atem closed his eyes, please, oh Gods please don’t apologize,_ “I messed up. I messed up. I just… there’s just a lot of things going on, and I just wasn’t prepared for you coming back and I don’t know what’s going on, I want you to be okay, and I think I just made things so much worse. I need… I can’t.”

A ramble with too many thoughts, too many repeated words.

Tears that gathered in Yugi’s lashes overflowed onto his face, dripped into the carpet. The shadows ate them.

They were familiar friends by now.

Atem’s ears were still ringing. _He was so nervous._ But now was the time. The anxieties were so far gone that he was sure they couldn’t peak any more than they already had. He can ask now, everything was out there, collecting in the thick air.

His voice didn't sound like his own.

“Yugi… I think…”

He wanted to see relief in Yugi. But he wasn’t terribly shocked to see his eyes crinkle with the dread in preparation of what Atem was sure to say.

Yugi knew what was happening.

Atem slowed his breathing and began, his words were slow and thought out. Familiar, flawless precision that was distorted by new feelings, new thoughts. There was damaged confidence.

“I think I have feelings for you. I think…” A sigh. “In the puzzle, it wasn’t really… possible. I mean, it crossed my mind, but it was… it wasn’t possible. And now…” Yugi was sobbing, didn't look at him. Atem kept on talking. “Now that I’m able to see you with my own eyes, not through yours… I just… I feel different now.”

_And what his eyes saw, oh, what they saw_

Yugi wouldn't stop crying. Atem’s brain was too stuffed with thick air to continue speaking, so he waited.

Anguish was the only sound.

Atem's throat was sore. He wouldn’t cry. But he felt it and he couldn’t stop it.

Yugi’s eyes locked onto his knee, a sign that he was communicating with him, but he _couldn’t_ look at his face. It hurt too much.

Atem tried one last time.

“So… would you like to say anything?” His heart was sinking painfully then somehow finding its way back to its proper place, only to fall again. So many times.

Silence. The only sounds were that of pounding hearts and irregular breathing.

“I… I don’t,” suddenly Yugi’s sobs turned to relentless and loud _bawling_ , “Oh God, Atem, I’m so…” A pause to breathe. Too much crying, too suffocating. “I can’t. I don’t know. I’m sorry, I don’t know, I don’t know,“ A hiccup, a sob, a cough “I don’t know. You are my partner ( _my irreplaceable partner_ ). But, I don’t know about… that. I don’t want to mess everything up. But I think… I think it already is. It’s all messed up. I messed it up. Damn it, I messed up. Atem, I’m so sorry. I’m so…” And then his cries mixed in with his words too well, and Atem couldn’t tell what he was saying.

Tears fell from Atem's chin and the shadows ate them. Though his heart was still sinking infinitely, he also… he couldn’t feel _anything._ Suddenly, he was mad. He shouldn’t have been, he knew he shouldn’t, but he was _mad_ at Yugi.

_How selfish he was._

But he was strong.

He told himself he was,

and so it was the truth.

He straightened his spine. Yugi was still a mess of red and wet cheeks on the floor. _His crying was so loud, he was so loud, it hurt_

Atem got up with shaky legs, he stilled them. He turned, walked out of the hallway. Back into the kitchen. Saw Yugi’s phone.

He tried to pretend that he didn’t hear Yugi’s throat wrenching cries escalate to something comparable to screams of death when he left the hallway.

He supported himself against the kitchen counter, _his head was so heavy_

He was pleased to see that Yugi’s phone didn’t have a passcode. He wasn’t surprised; Yugi wasn’t the type to hide things. Too honest. Too cruel.

He scrolled through his contacts. His brain hadn’t caught up with his actions yet, but he realized what he was doing when his eyes scanned over names as they rolled down the screen.

He was finding somewhere else to stay.

The illuminated screen struggled to obey his thumbs when wet tears confused it, the curved surface of water expanding the sight of boxed pixels, limited space outlined in rainbows. He didn’t speak a world. His breathing was nearly still now, but he was screaming. He felt unnatural, he was still. The house was groaning at him, the dirty dishes stacked in the sink, the candles, they all were grotesque creatures now. They were no longer signs of familiarity and comfort, they were demons. Melting, moonlit, monochrome demons.

Back to the phone. It took him a while to read out each name, his hands were shaking.

_Tea…_

_No. she would probably start crying. Or hit him for damaging Yugi. Can’t handle that right now._

_Joey…_

_No. He would tell Yugi. Or talk about him. Plus, he was definitely more of a friend to Yugi, he should perhaps let Joey comfort him. Atem knew he didn't deserve it himself._

_Duke…_

_No._

_Tristan…_

_…No._

_Mai…_

_No._

_Kaiba._

_…_

His eyes traced the outline of the letters. He wasn’t sure how, but he knew this was the correct choice.

Kaiba didn’t show much emotion, much of anything but perpetual annoyance. That was good. He was impassive to Yugi. Also good, _at least for how he felt right now._ He also had a home. _Multiple, probably._

He also imagined Kaiba wouldn’t be too shocked to see Atem return from beyond the doors of death. He could imagine him and his passive acceptance that a dead Egyptian pharaoh had returned from the afterlife. Nothingness. Wherever he was. He didn’t remember. _But it was so bright._

He continued to ignore Yugi’s screams. They weren’t any quieter than before. He was sure that Yugi was having trouble breathing from how _devastated_ he sounded. Atem tuned it out. He was too exhausted to try anymore.

_This is for the best._

Even if he had returned to Yugi’s side, it would accomplish nothing. All that awaited them in a shared space was that pile of gore that used to be their monumental companionship. An awful reminder.

This is not what he expected.

What a shit excuse for a reunion.

He pressed the dial button, missed, tried again because his trembling figure made everything _so hard to do._ The wet screen played with his decisions.

He held the phone up to his ear, the loud ringing vibrating through his bones, his clammy hands getting colder when he started slowly pacing around the kitchen. _Answer. Please, answer._ It continued ringing. What time was it anyway? Atem looked at the tiny illuminated numbers on the microwave. 11:42. Almost midnight. Kaiba could be sleeping. And then the ringing stopped because he answered. Kaiba didn’t seem like the type of person that slept much anyway.

He heard rustling from the other end. A bed. Sheets.

“And what in all the seven layers of hell could be the reason you’re calling me, Yugi?” He was trying to sound cold, Atem knew, but Kaiba couldn’t cover up the drowsy slur he had in his words. “Isn’t it past your bedtime, anyways?”

Atem cleared his throat, and his words came out more clearer than expected.

“Kaiba… this is Atem. Pharaoh. The other Yugi.”

A reply after a painful amount of quiet. There was too much of that lately.

“…I’m going to hang up. I don’t have time for jokes. Goodnight, Yugi. Don’t call me agai-“

“Kaiba, I’m telling the truth. I woke up today. Y…” His throat suddenly constricted at the name. He swallowed it down. He couldn’t cry. Not anymore. “Yugi found me.”

At the sound of the name falling from his mouth, Atem realized that Yugi’s screams had quieted down. He looked towards the hallway. He could still hear him crying, but it was softer now. But he knew he wouldn’t be getting up anytime soon.

“Knock it off. Atem is dead.” The statement was bold, and it made Atem flinch. But He could hear the uncertainty in the words. He knew… that Kaiba knew.

“Kaiba, I’m sure you can tell.” God, it was so hard to keep his voice under control. His entire world had crumbled, he hadn’t been alive again for longer than 4 hours. “It’s me. Atem. I don’t have any time ( _any energy_ ) to explain, but,” he was nervous. Asking Kaiba to provide hospitality. _Funny._

He would sooner believe in the second coming of Zorc before this.

…Or third.  _Oops._

“Could…” He suddenly felt cold with embarrassment. “I can’t… I’m at Yugis.” _That name, God it hurt._ “Could you come and get me?” He failed to cover the wavering of his pitch, the absolutely heartbroken tone he had. _He sounded pathetic._

A pause.

He could hear the warbled echo of Yugi’s cries that was being picked up on the other side of the call. Kaiba could hear him. _He had no idea._

“…”

“Kaiba, please.” Atem exhaled, shaky words, broken syllables.

“…”

An annoyed huff.

“You owe me. Don’t get used to this.”

Atem felt like he should be happy, but he wasn’t.

He was leaving.

He thanked Kaiba anyway.

“Someone will be there in ten minutes. I assume you don’t have money for a taxi. Bye.”

A beep. Kaiba had hung up. Atem almost smiled. Sometimes Kaiba just… didn’t know how to socialize informally. He set the phone down on the table.

He breathed in through his mouth slowly, exhaled through his nose, tried to calm his mind. His heart suddenly stung. _Yugi._ He clenched his teeth as he walked back over to that hellish space that had destroyed his first taste of mortal life in thousands of years.

He held onto the corner of the wall to keep himself stable as he looked at Yugi.

_Yugi looked as bad as Atem felt._

But he was the King of Games, he was in control, he was not weak.

He told himself so,

and so it was the truth.

“Y…” He couldn’t say his name. “I’m going to Kaiba’s for the night.” Eyes near the floor shined in the moonlight, and Gods, Yugi looked up at him like he tried to _kill_ him. “What?” Yugi's voice was soft, a small fragile thing, _but oh, words were destructive_

Atem didn’t need an explanation. Yugi was beyond being able to talk.

“You know why,” Atem replied to the unspoken question.

_And for some reason, he felt like being awful. Shooting daggers into Yugi like he had done to him._

_Suddenly, he felt the flame of self-righteousness, all of his ugly fallacies underneath_

Atem’s heart was pounding. “You’re not innocent in this. Don’t fucking kiss people that you don’t love.” The fire started. There was no end to it now. The shadows weren’t hiding, they were dancing around him, dancing around the flames that kissed his legs. Chanting in an unknown tongue.

Yugi was horrified. Tears started again, he hadn’t ran out of them somehow.

“Atem, I…”

Suddenly, angry passion, _OH, it felt so good, it made him feel better,_

_it made him feel okay,_

“Stop,” Atem spat at the crumpled boy on the floor.

Yugi’s fingernails instinctively clenched onto his other wrist, Atem could see his nails breaking skin. He was hurting himself. _He was sick._

Why?

"I... I..."

“I don’t want to hear it," Atem interrupted. Yugi wasn't going to say what he wished he had all along, he didn't let him finish empty words. "My life has been nothing but a fated excuse to sacrifice myself for others. I have done nothing but give. I lost everything. I've _given_ everything. My father, my friends, they all are dead. I’ve seen my friends die in front of me, and I kept on looking around to make sure everyone else was okay.” His nostrils flared. “Suddenly, after all that shit, dying didn’t seem so bad. Maybe I would get a fucking break but I never did. After being stuck between life and death for nearly an eternity, I meet you. You made me happy, but, but I still was only there to pick up the pieces when things fell apart.” His eyes stung. He balled his hands up into tight fists, his nails dug into his palm.

_He was tired, he was so tired, he was alive and being alive made him tired, eyes open wide_

“You were the best thing that ever happened in my pathetic excuse for an existence. And you treat me like a fucking toy.”

Yugi started to breathe too fast. It was too much.

So did Atem, but for all of the wrong reasons.

The last dagger.

_His life, oh Gods it was moving_

“You make me fucking sick, Yugi!”

He screamed louder than he intended, but he didn’t really care. It echoed through the walls for a few moments, but it felt like forever, because the sound repeated in both their heads for much longer.

And then Yugi broke. Again.

His breathing was worrisome, just like Atem’s earlier. Except this time Yugi received no comfort or care. His hyperventilating screams were hard to decipher.

“Oh, oh God, oh God,” Wheezes. Choking noises. “Oh my God, other me, God,” More wheezes.

_Other me_

That name wasn’t real anymore. Just a memory. Another word tattooed on a piece of skin, sitting delicately on top of that grotesque pile of flesh. It had started to smell.

“Don’t call me that,” Atem hissed through a constricted throat.

He started to hurt, seeing Yugi put on such a pitiful display,

but he was still the king of this game,

so he told himself.

And so it was the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will always get better.


	6. A Pause

[Fantasy pt. ll](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_aH8pdC50Y)

~~Music for company~~

 

[Dirty dishes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QWyFBgBy-4)

 

[Do you see through me?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9fKjWFLZW8)

[These seconds (By the way, the links are songs)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uk8SK8PdYdE)

 

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normal update next week,
> 
> Words write stories, pictures paint them. 
> 
> Comments would be appreciated, I would like to know if this sort of thing would be okay to do again in the distant future.


	7. And now we move on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting this chapter and continuing onwards, there will occasionally be sexual themes. Just a warning.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

  

Atem turned away from that hallway once again, leaving the hiccuping dying mess that somewhat resembled Yugi on the carpet. The shadows wanted him, he could see it was so, they could have him.

He walked towards the door, away from the wails and apologies that were eaten up by the thick air. And some part of him, some part of him wanted to turn around. Move Yugi from the floor and assure him that everything was okay. Protect him, stop his woes. But his own affection, both of them sticking their fingers too far into the convoluted fires of closeness and warmth, is what destroyed this home. Yugi wouldn’t want the assurance that Atem would offer. He didn’t, he had said so.

Why did he press life into him with lips and break his bones with words?

He wouldn’t turn back. He knew the only way he could help himself, to help Yugi, was to leave this place. Leave tonight. Because neither of them could fix this, neither of them could catch up with the tortured and confused ideas their brains threw at them.

He grabbed the knob, turned it, and slammed it behind him louder than he had meant to. And it was so quiet outside.

The warmth of the house whooshed past his cheeks, it was a dense and heavy feeling and he hated it. Before he could feel the heat of humans. Now, he smelled grass and rain. Gasoline. Evening air.

The world was cold _,_ but maybe it was better that way.

 

Atem shivered against frigid temperatures and his breath came out in little puffs that descended up into the night. He looked at either side of the endless street in front of him, squinted at traffic lights. Kaiba’s vehicle still wasn’t here.

It wouldn’t be surprising if Kaiba had lied for personal amusement. He was almost okay with this, being homeless sounded more comforting than interacting with another problematic past acquaintance.

After a few minutes of standing, he thought of turning around, opening the door and waiting for the taxi inside where it was warm.

He dismissed the thought.

As soon as Atem began to kneel down after deciding that maybe the cement would make for an adequate bed, a sleek silver car pulled up to the card shop. The headlights blinded him, too bright. Too blue.

It was annoying.

A man dressed in formalities Atem had only seen on TV and at Kaiba’s tournaments got out of the driver’s seat and walked around to greet him.

He bent downwards elegantly with a hand pointed outwards past his stomach, a bow.

Atem nearly bowed before he realized he didn’t need to, didn’t want to.

“Mister… Yugi, sir?”

… _What?_

Atem looked up, confused and annoyed, at the shiny polite man.

“…Yes,” Atem replied after deciding it was a better response than screaming at the man for calling him _that_ name, “Kaiba sent for me, correct?”

“Yes sir.”

_What an asshole._

Atem grinned at him, formalities and shit, noticing that the taller man was looking over his pathetic display. He saw pity and disgust in his eyes, like a rich man snorting at the sight of poverish slum. But the man was smiling.

“…Yes, that’s me, but you can just call me Atem.”

“Oh, of course sir.” And then the man opened up the passenger seat door, and _God_ it smelled like artificial happiness if that even had a smell. Everything was so clean, the interior, so shiny. It was pristine, high-grade, beautiful, industrial vomit.

He sat in the car, and the man shut the door for him. Atem dared to look at the card shop. He wish he hadn’t. He saw the outline, a silhouette of some sort in one of the dimly lit windows. He squinted at it, trying to see with clarity.

He really wish he hadn’t.

Yugi was looking at him, past that window.

He wasn’t crying anymore. He just looked dead.

His eyes were puffy and swollen, his hair was all over, little pieces stuck in his mouth. His lips looked rough and cracked  _don’t look at those._ He was just… gazing at him. His arm was pressed to the glass and his forehead rested against it, tiny little puffs of steam appearing and evaporating in front of his reddened nose. His eyes were looking at him, but it was like he was looking _past_ him, somewhere else. Something Atem couldn’t see. He couldn’t recall another time he had seen Yugi look so void of life because if there _was_ anything, anything at all, Atem would always be there.

The car lurched a bit when the driver sat down and started the engine.

Atem whipped forward, away from Yugi. He brought a hand up to his mouth, held it there. His fingernails dared to dig into his cheek. Yugi taught him so many things. He furrowed his brow so at least he looked angry. It prevented him from screaming out in hysterics and pushing the man out of his seat and driving the vomit-car off a nearby bridge.

“Drive, please.” His voice was flat, more uncaring than he would’ve ever imagined himself sounding.

“Yes sir.”

Atem unfocused his eyes, gazing at something ahead in the road, irises unmoving with the exception of city lights creating little streams and dots, tiny stars.

Eventually the driver decided on turning on the radio.

It was annoying. It was quiet, but it sounded so _loud._

Eventually the city surroundings gave way to lesser used roads and tall trees. They drove by the path he and Yugi walked on earlier, before the sun went down. A forest clearing. His eyes traced the outline of an old teashop.

_Keep your eyes on the road, eyes on the road._

The rhythmic tapping of the car’s turn signals had stopped and started enough times for Atem to realize they were going to a very secluded place. The disorganized wilderness surrounding the road faded into well-kept shrubbery and trees that definitely weren’t native. The road was suddenly smooth, like glass.

_Last chance to swerve the car off the road and down the hill._

He kept his eyes on blurred center lines.

A giant cement excuse of a gateway came into view. The driver pressed a button on the dashboard. Atem expected nothing but pristine technological snobbery from Kaiba and he wasn’t surprised by all the secrecy. He wondered how many people had tried to kill Kaiba for what he had done to his father’s legacy.

“Mr. Kaiba, I have arrived with your guest, Ate- er… Yugi?”

A bit of silence, Atem heard what he assumed was Kaiba’s voice from the man’s earpiece.

“O-oh, okay. Yes, sir. I’m sorry Mr. Kaiba. No. It won’t happen again. Sorry, sir. Very well, thank you.”

The gate opened, it was an ugly thing that gave way to a house that was indescribably modern, entirely constructed with slim rectangle shapes and windows. It seemed to flaunt an invisible price tag that not even the most esteemed millionaires in the world would look at. It wasn’t that it was incredibly big, it just seemed to be stylized in a future that didn’t exist yet. Atem usually preferred soft looking cozy homes, but not now. _Not right now._

_He wanted everything that was different. Everything that was a stark contrast of his passion and self, his supposed reason for living, tea lights, tea lights, the bear that sat on the couch. Dishes in the sink. Coats near the door._

His stomach dropped, feelings of guilt. Don’t think of him. He did anyways, thought of his smile, the wisps of hair that stuck to his tearstained cheeks. What his lips felt like, when he fell on the floor and Yugi was underneath him. Yugi, there, on the ground. Curled in a neat little ball of soft colors that reminded him of quiet shops, the way his shadow wavered and cowered away from candles. Dying plants on the windowsill. Yugi on the floor, noises that weren’t words. His lips.

Somewhere in the back of his head, he could hear his voice.

_Oh God, o-other me… God, oh, oh G-God…_

A thought that started as Yugi’s sobs and heaves of breath soon gave way to curious imagery. The rough exhales suddenly changed purpose and form. Atem felt his heart beat faster. He heard his breath leaving his mouth, how loud it was in the car. The noises, heaves of breath. Yugi’s broken words. Exhales. 

Atem’s mind wandered. He didn’t envision anything, he didn’t see him. Just heard.

_His affection_

His cheeks were red, but it was too dark to see. But he felt it. His heart beat faster, closed his eyes as his lips parted again.

_Other me… Oh, other me, Atem,_

He brought his fist down on his upper thigh, punched himself to evacuate his sad, pitiful, and downright _fucking disgusting_ thoughts. He felt sick, the car was too small.

The driver glanced his way for a second before quickly directing his attention to parking the car. Atem assumed the man already thought he was insane. He didn’t really care what the man thought.

The car pulled into a grand driveway, large bushes on the left, and a pathway leading to the front door on the right. In the yard was a fountain made with marble bricks of different sizes that all seemed to be floating in the air, with water cascading down their flat panels. It looked too expensive for Atem to understand, but money could buy gimmicks and illusions. He was honestly surprised it wasn't a giant Blue Eyes statue with water spouting from its gaping mouth, eyes made of sapphire that shot lasers at trespassers and vaporized them into ashes.

The path winded to the front door, which also had flat panels for stairs that seemed to float and were purposely unsymmetrical. Some sort of architecture-fashion statement or something. That, and the house. It was bigger now that he was so close _._ It was like an urbanized stack of building blocks with giant glass panes and rooms protruding out of the walls in shapes that screamed _only people named Seto Kaiba can have a house shaped like this._

He snapped out of his thoughts, once again, when his car door opened.

“Here we are, Ate- I mean, … sir.” The man looked silly babbling over his words. Kaiba must have said something.

“Thank you… driver. Person.”

_Oh God, that was awful._

They both were embarrassed, both wanting to get away from each other. Away from the tiny interactions of life that nobody cares for. The man was paid to treat Atem nicely, it was his job, nothing more. He was just a means to arrive at the grand house in front of him.

“I’ll take my leave now, sir. Is there anything else I can service you with, tonight?”

“No, you can leave.”

“Alright, have a good night, sir.” The man sounded fake.

“Yeah,” Atem muttered. He didn’t look back as his feet felt pavement.

And like that, the driver got in the car and drove away. Atem was pleased to know he would most likely never see him again. Stupid driver man. He had no reason to hate him, but he was too damaged to feel anything but jealousy towards strangers and their complacent monotonous lives.

He walked up to the sleek stairs. The sound of the car in the distance mixed with the droning sound of crickets. He sucked in a breath. _Expect any reaction._ Exhale. He lifted his hand up towards the doorbell, slowly, a finger met the cold plastic and—

The door flew open.

There, at the foot of the door a few steps higher than he was, towered Seto Kaiba. At this angle, the height difference between them was monstrous, but Atem felt far less intimidated when he saw his pajama shorts, which were as plain and basic looking as grey cotton bedsheets. The light from the house shined on the doorbell, the border around it had tiny crafted dragons _. Gods, he’s such a child._

They stared at each other with no words. Kaiba looked as stoic as always, as if an undead Egyptian man was as common as the sun rising every morning. Crickets broke the silence. Then Kaiba did. And Atem was braced for any set of condescending words he could throw his way.

Kaiba crossed his arms.

“Would you mind telling me why you’re wearing a scarf instead of pants?”

Oh.

“I uh, I’m…” Atem shoved his hands in Yugi’s, _his_ , jacket. He shifted his feet closer together.

_Well, shit._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have quite a bit going on right now, and will continue to do weekly updates, but I'll have to put off doing illustrations for a little while.  
> That being said, if anyone would like to submit photography/digital art illustrations to be submitted and credited in future chapters, feel free to message me at sombreset.tumblr.com!  
> I want visuals to continue alongside this story. I really do.  
> Warning: There is minor self harm after the line break towards the end of the chapter.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

The wind picked up again. Atem stared at the doorbell.

He stammered for a bit more, trying to find a way to explain that he woke up naked in a forest and had forgot to change into adequate clothing at Yugi’s before they fucked up their entire relationship. _There was no way to explain everything._

“Whatever,” Kaiba scoffed, turning back into his house. Door left open. An invitation. “It’s late. I don’t want to hear any sort of tragic sob story from you right now.”

Atem followed Kaiba inside, shut the door quietly. Took in everything. The house was gorgeous, everything was monochrome, shades of white and black with splashes of birch wood here and there. Atem looked at Kaiba once more, stared at his back. Continued to follow his path as they left the entryway. “Kaiba…” He sighed. “Thank you. Really.”

Kaiba suddenly stopped to turn his head to look at Atem, the other one nearly bumping into him.

“What did I just say, _Yugi?_ ” The last word was spoken with _too_ much sarcasm and potential for mindless banter.

_Yugi._

He was tired of hearing that name.

The smaller man glared at him. Grimaced before looking away. He decided to not give into easy bait for fights and shouts.

“So where will I be staying?”

Kaiba didn’t answer. Started down the hallway again.

There were tiny noises that Atem picked up as he followed Kaiba through his overwhelmingly pristine living quarters. The sound of wood creaking as they walked. The sound of Kaiba’s bare feet on the floor. His own feet. The rustling of Kaiba’s clothes as he walked. His own. Zipper and buttons on the jacket. Echoes that traveled through the high ceilings of the house.

Kaiba stopped at a double door entryway to the left of a grand staircase. Atem would have felt flattered to have such a large means of accommodations, but in this house it was commonplace, felt minimal.

He opened the door, Atem followed him inside.

The bed had white pillows, sheets, covers, _everything._ The mattress was sitting on top of a lightly colored wood board, polished to perfection. It was another sort of modern aesthetic, but Atem didn’t care. He forgot what sleeping was like. There was a spacious window with a tiny bird decoration sitting on the sill. The blinds were shut, he wasn’t sure where he was in relative to the outside world anymore. Fake plants. Shelves that held strategically placed, store-bought, meaningless items.

The dresser was large and had glass panels sitting on top of it, an elegant touch. A tiny terrarium on top. Lights that were never used. A door to the left, a bathroom presumably. Books stacked on a nightstand, books that were never read.

“This will be the only question I ask of you tonight,” Kaiba said. His tone was as nostalgically dead as it was in the past.

 _Jokes on you Kaiba,_ Atem thought, nearly snorting out loud. _You have already asked me two questions since I got here._

“Why are you wearing such a ridiculous outfit? It puts your title, no, _you,_ to shame. And you look…” He saw Kaiba’s eyes glancing at his arms, his legs, his face, his hair. “…Weird. Where did the runt find you, and how the Hell did you magically waltz into the world of the living with your old, Ancient Egyptian-ass body?”

Atem could’ve been mad, he knew he should’ve. But he knew Kaiba too well, that his words and threats were empty. All just means to trump him at a game Atem never wanted to play.

Atem smirked at him. Crossed his arms. Looked as dignified as he could with his given attire. He didn’t feel the need to try very hard, Kaiba looked like he bought his pajamas with ten dollars in hand at the nearest shopping district.

“I thought you were only asking one question, Kaiba. Sounds like you want to hear my sad, sad story after all.”

Kaiba’s eyes widened and his mouth hung open slightly before he snapped it shut and returned to his usual condescending glare.

Kaiba turned towards the door.

“Whatever, I didn’t care anyways. You’re welcome for the hospitality. This is only for tonight because I’m generous. After tonight, you’re on your own. Goodnight…” He stopped at the entryway, and turned his head to look at Atem with an angry frown that was just... _silly._ “ _Yugi._ ”

And with that, he slammed the door behind him, leaving Atem alone in the room.

And then,

It was silent,

So quiet,

And everything came crashing down.

Since his rebirth as he thought to call it, this was the first time he was positively alone.

He stared at the door, didn’t dare to move. Didn’t want to. He heard Kaiba disappear upstairs. Even his steps sounded precise and grumpy.

He looked at the dresser.

Breathed in—hated himself for it. He smelled the clothes on his body, they smelled like _him_.

The things he said replayed in his mind, but he blocked out his face. He didn’t want to see it.

He untied the scarf around his waist.

_Oh, Atem… I missed you. I missed you so much._

Unzipped the jacket.

_You’ve been staring at me for a few minutes now. I love you, but you’re naked, and we need to go._

Brushed his fingers against his neck, looked at the mirror. There was no light in the room since Kaiba shut the door except for the tiny outline of glow that surrounded the doorframe. The rest of the house was so bright, but he could barely see himself.

_A… Ate, I… I’m so sorry… I messed up. I messed up. I just… there’s just a lot of things going on, and I just wasn’t prepared for you coming back and I don’t know what’s going on, I want you to be okay, and I think I just made things so much worse. I need… I can’t._

His stomach twisted in unnatural ways as he shuffled through clothing in the dresser. Didn’t care whether or not Kaiba would be angry for borrowing clothes.

Everything looked the same in the drawers, all folded so neatly. So many repeats of the same design. Overnight wear for guests that were never worn. _Yet Kaiba wore the same thing._  

_Other me…_

He settled for one of the many white shirts that were folded neatly in the drawers. Soft.

Grey pajama shorts. Soft. Felt more expensive than it looked.

_O-oh my God_

He backed up until his knees hit the foot of the bed and let himself fall backwards. Soft, the bed was soft.

He stared at the ceiling, at all of the tiny dots. Thought about how his mind was too quiet.

About how _wide awake_ he was.

He stared.

He knew he wouldn’t sleep.

_Fuck it._

He got back up.

He left the room.

 

* * *

 

 

Yugi left his room, he knew he wouldn’t sleep tonight.

Joey was on his way, he called him about ten minutes ago. Yugi was surprised he understood anything he said.

_He was crying so hard, the phone wet on his cheek,_

Then again, if Joey didn’t comprehend his choked voice, it would at least show how much of a mess he was, how much he needed someone.

He put on his (second) favorite jacket over his pajamas, and stepped outside. He thumbed the lighter in his pocket, and pulled out a carton of cigarettes. He picked one, played with the tube between his fingers, twirled it. His hands shook.

_I deserve one._

He lit the end of the drug with as much accuracy as the cold weather would allow his shaking body.

Watched the smoke swirl above him and disappear.

He thought of him, then. His words. But not his face. _Not his eyes._ He saw so many things in them. Things he never wanted to see. Fear. Anger. Death. Betrayal.

He inhaled.

_…Yu…gi?_

Exhaled.

_I want you to be okay, I want to tell you everything is going to be okay because you deserve to be happy_

He didn’t cry.

_I think I have feelings for you. I think…_

He took another drag. Tiny embers reflected soft colors on his nose.

  _Now that I’m able to see you with my own eyes, not through yours… I just… I feel different now._

His heart didn’t stop rolling, hurting.

_So… would you like to say anything?_

Another drag. A desperate one. Where was Joey?

_You make me fucking sick, Yugi!_

His lips crumpled downwards in dismay, he pulled the cigarette away from his mouth and back between his fingers before his teeth bit through it.

_You make me fucking sick, Yugi!_

He couldn’t stop hearing it. He was sick. _Gods, he messed up_

_You make me fucking sick, Yugi!_

“Stop…” Yugi whispered. He knew it wouldn’t do anything.

He dropped the cigarette.

_You’re a fucking disgrace, Aibou._

Yugi made a tiny noise, something between a groan and a squeak. Something that sounded like a call for help from an animal in the wild with a broken leg. A useless, broken thing. It knew it was going to die.

_Aibou._

He dug his fingernails into his arm. Gritted his teeth. Eyes shut tight.

_Aibou._

He didn’t notice the headlights approaching.

_I want to be with you forever, Aibou._

He left bloody little crescent moons in his arm.

_We’re a team, Aibou._

He scraped his nails down his arm. It felt good.

_Shut up._

“I’m sorry…”

Someone was walking up to him. He didn’t notice. Didn’t care.

_You make me fucking sick._

“I’m sorry, I’m…”

“Yugi?”

Bloody fingernails receded back into oversized sleeves, and Yugi’s bloodshot eyes found Joey’s. He looked worried. A bit of silence, his friend walked closer.

“Everything alright, buddy?”

He reached down to ruffle Yugi’s hair.

It usually pissed him off, but he couldn’t ask for enough reassuring affection right then.

“No…” Yugi stumbled up to the blonde. Wrapped his arms around him. Hugged him. Hard.

“Everything…” He sighed. “Everything is definitely not ok.”

Joey returned the embrace. Yugi heard him sniff the air.

“You’ve been smoking again, haven’t you?”

“Just one.”

“You’ve been hurting yourself again too?”

“Only this once.”

“Why?”

“Atem.”

Joey pulled from the smaller one’s warmth, hands on his shoulders. Looked down at him with disbelief. Disappointment.

It was getting colder outside.

“Oh, Yugi… I know you miss him… but it’s been a few years now, and—“

“He came back.”

Joey didn’t have a response. He opened his mouth to say something, shut it. Opened it again, shut it. He settled with wrapping an arm around Yugi’s shoulder.

“Here, let’s go inside and talk. I can tell this is going to be along story. I’m all ears. I always will be, Yugi.”

“…Yeah.” Yugi would not tell him everything about his return. The screams. The kiss. The insecurities. The suffocation in the hallway.

“Make that one tea I really like, yeah?” Joey was smiling. Hand on Yugi’s back.

“Yeah,” Yugi’s voice cracked.

“You mean a lot to me. I don’t want to see you hurt. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.” _He couldn’t speak, he didn’t want to break,_

“Love you, buddy.”

Yugi flinched. Felt his stomach flop. He wanted to vomit.

“Love you too, Joey.” And he almost cried.

They went inside. And Yugi told him almost everything.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the comments and reception so far. This story means a lot to me, and I'm glad I can finally share that with so many people. 
> 
> I was going to post art this week, but I just fell short on time.  
> Feel free to shoot me any sort of music, photography, or art that you would like to share that could possibly be put in future chapters, the inspiration is always great. Send them at sombreset.tumblr.com if you'd like.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

Atem opened the door and stepped out of the guest room as quietly as he could. If he woke up Kaiba, he’d probably be sleeping outside. Not that he minded too much, the ground was where he woke up for the first time.

“I’m not sleeping anyways,” Atem mumbled. He had conversations with himself aloud often now, he spoke to loud enough to disturb his vacant soul room.

_Yeah, okay, me, have fun sleeping in the grass. Whatever. It’s cold outside, you’ll be sick, and it’s not like you can afford health care._

“Good point,” he chuckled. His voice was soft in the high ceilings.

He felt his way through the dark, back to where he remembered seeing the entrance to a kitchen. He wasn’t really hungry. Just bored. Wanted to see what Kaiba lived like beyond closed doors.

He felt for the arch that opened up into the spacious stainless steel dreamland that any chef would kill for. Not Kaiba, it was complementary with the design of the house.

There was a tiny touchpad on the side of the archway that turned on the lights above. He pressed his pointer finger onto it, dragged his finger up and down as the lights smoothly rolled from dark to uncomfortably bright.

He giggled. _Technology. Weird shit, isn’t it? What a pointless invention, is a simple switch really not good enough?_

He bit the side of his lip as he humored himself in seeing how fast he could flick his finger up and down, most likely until either the stupid touchpad broke or the stupid lights burst. He turned his head away, not wanting to give himself a seizure from his amusement in the expensive lightshow.

Giggled again.

Suddenly, a large hand wrapped around his wrist, pulling his hand away from his game.

“ _WHO GOES,_ FUCKING—“ Atem shrieked along with some choice vulgar phrases in an ancient tongue , and jumped backwards. The jump turned into an accidental and vicious stumble back into his attacker. He tripped and his head fell into the taller man’s bare knees ( _ow_ ) and the man let go in surprise and collapsed onto the ground with a strangled grunt.

Atem took advantage of the man’s vulnerable position on the floor and quickly climbed onto his chest and used his knees to keep the man’s forearms at his sides.

Atem smirked in victory, squinting in the dim lights to identify the face below him.

The smile disappeared. Eyes widening in the dark, mouth bubbling with incoherent excuses.

“Oh shit, Kaiba I—“

Kaiba growled and lifted his chest ( _easily_ ) with his forearms, Atem tumbling backwards, Kaiba pinning him, back on the floor, arms sprawled.

They were both breathing heavily. Kaiba glared down at him, sections of his hair falling annoyingly close to Atem’s face.

“Okay, first of all,” Kaiba said between breaths, “you do realize you’re a fucking small-fry, right?”

Atem glared at him. Breathed through his nose loudly.

“Second of all, who the fuck do you think you are to sneak around my house without my permission?”

Atem tried to lift his shoulders up and Kaiba pushed him back down with an open palm. Child’s play.

_Wow, being dead must have made him weak._

“Third, who,” He slightly lifted Atem’s shoulder just to ram it back onto the wooden floor. “Do you think you are, to lay a fucking finger on me in my own house?”

They stared at each other.

Panting. Glaring.

“…You started it.” Atem did his best to speak without snickering.

Kaiba’s tilted just _barely_ for a second, mouth parted in absolute fucking _wonder_ before going back to a scowl of hatred.

“You’re kidding,” Kaiba flatted.

“No, I’m not. If you wanted to get my attention, why didn’t you say something? No need to squeeze the life out of my wrist. Good Gods, Kaiba.”

Kaiba grunted at him, before rolling back off of Atem and standing up.

“Thanks to you, I’m going to have a bruised back. What are you doing up, anyhow? Thought I told you to stay in the guest room, Yugi.”

Kaiba looked down at him like he was a child, an employee, a pathetic creature.

But…

He could see part of Kaiba, hear some part of him,

That was genuinely interested in Atem’s response.

Atem sat up, using the arch of the kitchen entrance to support himself. “Well, I…” He rubbed the back of his head where it collided with Kaiba’s knees. A tiny lump would follow, most likely. “I can’t sleep.”

“So you think that gives you permission to wander in my estate?” Kaiba took a step towards him. “What were you actually doing? Just because you look like a wreck doesn’t mean I’m going to pity you.”

Atem felt his stomach start to burn with annoyance.

 _Why was he always like this?_ It was… _Gods,_ it was exhausting. Kaiba’s perpetually challenging presence tired him enough to take his advice and head back to his respective room.

He made eye contact with Kaiba, didn’t look away. Kaiba started to look in different directions to avoid him, but Atem’s glare into his skull didn’t lessen.

“Look,” Atem bit back, finally losing his polite edge over him. “You can pretend like you don’t give a shit all you want, but I know you’re curious why I’m here. You want to know, but you’re not going to ask, so I’ll just do all of the hard work for you.”

He saw Kaiba’s cheeks cave a bit as he bit the soft tissue inside of his mouth. But he said nothing.

Atem brought a hand up to his other arm, dug his nails there quietly. He saw Yugi do it to himself earlier today. It looked nice.

“Yugi found me earlier today in a forest clearing. I was unconscious and alone, no items or clothes on me. I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t… the space of time between when I departed from the afterlife and when Yugi woke me up feels like it never happened. He clothed me to the best of his abilities and brought me home… and things got… complicated. We ended up fighting, and that’s when I called you.”

The smaller man shifted his weight to one side, and huffed uncomfortably. The house suddenly felt too big, there was too much space.  He echoed. He hated it.

He waited for Kaiba to respond.

He didn’t.

He just looked at Atem with a lidded gaze that he couldn’t decipher.

The quiet buzz in the air chewed at his ears, pressed into his brain. He hated it.

“So… That’s a summary of my past few hours of existing, how about you?” Atem felt terribly awkward, small in the hallway. _It felt like Yugi’s home._ “Why are you up anyways?”

Kaiba just stared at him.

It was unusual. So _Uncomfortable._

He could hear crickets from outside the walls, the quiet buzz of the furnace, everything. _No more._

Atem chewed on his lip. Waited.

Kaiba seemed… broken. Like a computer that was given an input it wasn’t meant to read.

“Fine,” Atem mumbled, and started to walk past Kaiba, not sure what he was going to do, but _anything_ was better than this.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

He stopped moving, and turned to look at the brunette. Did he hear correctly?

Atem gave him an incredulous look and leaned against the wall. The psychotic millionaire had never confessed anything to him before, so he figured that Kaiba deserved his undivided attention. He didn’t say anything, but his eyes were focused with curiosity. Arms crossed.

He had always encountered Kaiba in the strangest of places, and always incidentally prolonged their rivalry far after (and before) their deaths. Being at his _home,_ his place of refuge, just made everything different.

He closed his eyes for a moment.

_Why was everyone so fucking different_

Kaiba’s breaths were slow and quiet, his eyes tracing the patterns on the floor. _He looked so… tired._

“I…” Kaiba’s tone was something unheard of before. _Not in years_. “I’m actually pretty surprised by your return, believe it or not, I don’t care. Even after you left, I somehow expected your immediate return. I felt like we had unfinished business. There was no resolution. After about a year, I gave up. I’m sure everyone else did too eventually. Hell, I don’t speak to any of those fangirls you hang around unless I’m forced to.” Kaiba looked… _nervous._ His eyes wouldn’t stay still. Atem could tell there was more to that story, but didn’t ask. If it involved Yugi, he didn’t want to know. “So, now I finally get used to my new routine and fall back into a good practice of things, and you call me at _midnight_ , expecting me to just accept that a 3,000 year old dead royal snob that used to inhabit the body of _that_ half-pint just magically came back to life.”

A shift in motion. A crack in the floorboards.

Atem had never heard Kaiba talk for so long at once before, unless he was explaining card game tactics or spewing dramatic monologues about how he was _probably_ going to beat him.

It was getting so late now, the stars were shining. The shadows were at bay.

“Honestly, yes, I do. I know as little as you do, Kaiba.”

Atem heard Kaiba snort. Arrogance. _Gods, the barrier he made between himself and his heart._

“And better yet, you have problems with your little ‘partner’ as you call him, so you come running to me, your eternal rival. I've been awful to you. I've even tried to _kill_ you. Just what the fuck do you want from me anyways?”

Kaiba looked… wound. He looked _so_ tightly wound up. His arms were flexed in frustration and his legs were stiff. Atem felt like he could find a few choice words to say, and Kaiba would be dashing into the kitchen trying to find a knife to kill him with.

Atem shifted his weight. Stared at the lighting fixtures in the wall.

When he closed his eyes, he saw sun disks of blue and green in the darkness.

“I… I knew you would accept me.”

Then, the silence of the house that was too big became too loud.

They both stared in directions that would prevent looking at each other, saying anything they would regret, anything that could exacerbate the night.

_It was so late._

Kaiba closed his eyes. Atem heard a tiny whistling noise as he exhaled softly. Blue eyes met his. He looked like he was going to say something. He changed his mind and walked into the kitchen.

There was a pantry to the right with a beautiful clear glass door, rows of wine and liquor on white shelves inside of it.

Kaiba turned his head back towards Atem, profile covered with soft strands of hair.

“Do you want a drink?”

He was already set on something apparently.

He was stroking his chin with slender fingers, lost in thought trying to pick the best personal poison. Kaiba left the pantry with a bottle of wine, half empty, and expensive looking vodka. Almost full.

Atem could only watch, still in denial that Kaiba would offer anything to him, let alone expensive alcohol. Yet, it all seemed natural. It was like he was having the conversations and bonding that could have existed in another life, but only when everything lined up perfectly. But it was _always_ supposed to happen, eventually. Imminent. Whether it was as teenagers, adults, or near death.

_They would always speak to each other for the first time._


	10. Chapter 10

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

****

 

* * *

 

_They would always speak to each other for the first time._

 

But Kaiba’s vulnerabilities only stayed exposed for so long.

“Listen _Yugi,_ I’m really stretching my kindness here. Do you want a drink or don’t you? I wanted to get drunk because of all your convoluted bullshit tonight anyways, whether you rammed your head into my fucking knees and joined me or not.”

Kaiba was already grabbing a shot glass.

Atem huffed and jerked his shoulder from its resting place on the wall.

“Actually… That would be appreciated. Thank you,” he replied quietly, and he was sincere. He knew Kaiba didn’t realize how much he was helping him.

Kaiba opened his mouth a few times, scrambling for something to say. Atem had stumped him once again with his unwarranted politeness.

“Whatever. Shots?”

There was no time to answer the question before Kaiba grabbed another shot glass, and set them both next to each other. He uncapped the vodka bottle poured into each glass, uneven and messy. Little puddles sloshed onto the counter. Atem was sure Kaiba didn’t worry about wasting booze, not with how ridiculously expensive his entire lifestyle was.

Either that, or the alcohol was spilling everywhere because he was nervous.

Pale fingers slid across the rim of the glass before picking it up, and eyeing it with disinterest. Atem almost expected Kaiba to clink glasses with him, but then he realized who he was drinking with.

_Stupid thought._

Kaiba lifted the glass to his lips and threw his head back. Set the empty glass down. Atem could see his lips turn up in defiance of the taste, but he took that shot better than he had assumed.

Atem looked at his own tiny glass, how it shined back at him.

_It’s only a few ounces. Easy._

Atem imitated Kaiba and held his glass up to eye level. To his lips. He expected to take it as smoothly as Kaiba had, but the unfamiliar method of drinking left him habitually drinking the vodka slowly like a fine wine.

A mistake.

He started coughing at the foul taste, and his eyes clenched shut as he set down the half empty shot. He turned away from the counter and held onto the nearby fridge handle as he caught his breath, hands on his knees and face turned towards the floor, cheeks reddened from shame.

Kaiba’s lips turned up in amusement. “You… You’ve never taken a shot before have you?”

His response was coughing and gags.

“Fuckin’ dweeb,” he chuckled as he poured another shot.

And Atem heard it through his choking fit.

_Did Kaiba… laugh at him?_

The taller man downed another bit of vodka before turning to open the fridge, Atem respectfully shifting his body back towards the counter. There was a variety of cold foods that seemed like they had a higher chance of rotting than being eaten. There was a lot of produce, most of it looked wilted and soft. Atem thought of this, the picture in front of him, illuminated by the light of the fridge. _He likes to fill his life with purchases and desires… but does he enjoy half of what he gets?_

Glass knocked together, bins moved aside. Kaiba pulled out a carton of orange juice and set it on the counter. Atem didn’t miss how Kaiba’s foot rolled a bit, the suggestion of a stumble that was stopped before it could damage the man’s pride that towered like his body did. He grabbed another glass, a larger one, and filled it.

“This,” Kaiba said, fingers tracing over the ridges in the glass, tiny, expensive, designs. “Is a chaser. Drink the vodka, then this. Also, don’t drink shots like its fucking champagne. Try to drink all of it, fast. Otherwise, in the slim chance that anyone else invites you to drink with them, you’ll just embarrass yourself.” Kaiba tilted his head at him, a childish challenge. “How old are you now? 16 still?”

Atem snorted at him, went to go grab the vodka bottle. Kaiba’s hand twitched as if it was going to pull it away from him, but decided against it.

“First of all, I’m older than the majority of recorded history. Second of all, how old are you? Alcohol legal, but still flying around in a giant dragon toy?”

Atem was bathing in his own arrogant confidence as he poured himself a shot, throwing it back almost as fast as he set the bottle back on the counter. He didn’t reach for the chaser. Just crossed his arms.

Kaiba watched him, waited for him to choke up, eyes narrowing condescendingly.

And he waited.

And waited.

And Atem looked up at him with the infamous smirk.

_The stupid winning smirk._

“I get the rules of the game now, Kaiba. You won’t see me choking anymore.”

 _Choking?_ Kaiba was going to retort if he didn’t blush for an unknown and stupid reason. He settled on pouring another shot and changing the subject.  

He threw it back, loved the burn that it left in his stomach. Atem was devious, drinking glass after glass until he felt he was caught up with Kaiba, if not worse.

A competition of sorts between rivals,

But a bad medium to work with.

Kaiba glanced down at the other man, eyebrows raised. Atem was exhaling, coughing in his throat at the foul taste that was beginning to wear on him. He reached for the vodka bottle again. Kaiba pulled it away from him.

“I’ll warn you, _Yugi_ , if you turn this into a game you’re going to end up throwing up on my nice carpet, and don’t think I won’t get a restraining order on you so your drunken stupor doesn’t ruin all of my shit.”

And this far in, this late into the night,

This many drinks in,

_Kaiba would not let go._

Suddenly, Atem faced towards him, an angered frown on his face that he didn't realize was there. His eyes looking up, glistening like wine in the light. Slightly blushed cheeks. Dark red hair.

_Red, Red Red._

All of it, all absorbed by blue. Blue eyes that were trained for years to be perfectly still, perfectly cold, perfectly apathetic.

“Why are you like this?” Atem asked, his voice flat. Serious.

Kaiba laughed. His hand was wrapped around the edge of the counter, all of his weight was pressing into it. “What do you-”

“You know exactly what I mean,” Atem lashed back, his voice loud and overpowering. There was anger there, in his presence. Everywhere around him. Frustration. Pity. Disappointment. Atem spoke louder yet. “ _Why are you such an asshole?_ ”

Red mixed with black, tiny figures, fingers, _they swept across the floor, glided like they did in that hallway, slept in the dips of Atem’s collarbones._

“Yugi and –“ He caught himself, found himself hurting. “I tried so hard to become your friend. An ally. All you ever did was fucking push me away. Push everyone away. Cause fights. And why? It’s not like you have any other friends, _Kaiba_.” He spat his name.

Kaiba’s eyes narrowed, his forehead was covered in shadows, they played with the fringe of his hair.

Shadows waited for them to fall, destroy themselves in the quiet house.

“Excuse me?” Kaiba questioned quietly, straightening his spine only to look down at the man below him.

Atem stood tall, feet planted in front of Kaiba, nearly falling over meeting to Kaiba’s eyes that were so- _why was he so fucking tall-_

Atem spoke again.

“You surround yourself with these drinks, these stupid touch screen lights, fancy buildings, the cards, because you are alone. Because you try to buy your happiness. Because _buying_ shit is easier than having compassion, isn’t it?”

That was it.

And that was all Atem was allowed to say.

Kaiba’s hands shifted from the counter to Atem’s shoulder. He marched towards the wall with Atem stumbling backwards, only faltering slightly from the new feeling of drunken stupor. Kaiba’s thumbs pressed into Atem’s clavicles. He pushed him against the wall with enough force for the wine glasses in storage above them to rattle. They were both panting, adrenaline from the tension, looking at each other.

Red and blue.

Passion met obsession.

Embers met caverns of cold.

Kaiba’s back arched downwards, knees slightly bent, his thumbs pushing upwards on Atem’s bones with just enough pain to make Atem rise onto his toes to avoid discomfort. But that only brought _more_ discomfort, because when he looked forward, his eyes locked into a fucking _blizzard_ full of hatred. Both of them, their eyes, their noses, their lips, all were perfectly aligned. Atem could smell vodka when Kaiba exhaled through his nostrils, and was sure Kaiba could smell the same from him.

But none of them spoke.

Atem let out a tiny yelp of pain when the thumbs dug harder, but it was cut off. _Cut off with_

_Cut off…_

With lips and teeth.

For the second time that night, Atem found himself quiet when another mouth formed against his and chased the shadows away.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a brief warning, there's quite a bit of (very) rough and drunken kissing.  
> It's just about the whole chapter.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

 

_Cut off…_

Kaiba’s mouth was pressed so hard into him he thought his head was going to roll backwards and onto the floor from the sudden bout of dizziness. He couldn’t feel his fingers. His ears were ringing, his heart was pounding, and all he could hear was the scraping of Kaiba’s teeth against his as he parted past Atem’s lips with his tongue. He heard a sharp inhale from Kaiba as his hand shot up to Atem’s neck. Slender fingernails dug into his skin hard enough to break it, his palm lightly pressed against his throat. Kaiba’s other hand slid from irritated skin down to the Atem’s waist just under his shitty polyester shirt that looked too similar to Kaiba’s. His fingers sank into soft _untouched_ flesh, dragging from his abdomen to the dimples below small of his back. Little marks on his hips that sat just out of sight. More teeth, more tongue, _everything,_

Atem closed his eyes for a second to try and get a hold of _whateverthefuckwasgoingon_ and regretted it immediately, because as soon as he did, the room started barreling in circles, and he thought he was sliding upside down, and backwards, every direction, and frankly, he wasn’t sure if he was going to pass out, hyperventilate, or vomit.

And somewhere between his running thoughts and brushed feelings, he smiled. Thought.

_If this is what you wanted, Kaiba,_

_All you had to do was ask._

_I’m as rejected and pitifully hormonal as you are._

Atem tried to speak, but his motor skills were currently somewhere else, and his face, his entire _mind,_ was being swallowed up by the man who tried to kill him so many times.  The way that his fingers delicately curved into his neck with such elegance and force, he was aware that Kaiba could easily end his life now.

Who knows, maybe that was Kaiba’s plan all along. He didn’t really care, somehow Yugi’s broken voice that drifted through his head hurt more than Kaiba’s impulsive and reckless intimacy.

Atem’s heart, his mind, other places he hoped Kaiba wouldn’t notice _,_ all throbbing with heat and hormones and he wasn’t sure whether he was getting such a huge fucking _high_ off of it all because he thought the choking was erotic, or, who knows, maybe he did kind of want to go back to being dead.

He knew this was wrong. _So fucking unexpected._ But he felt euphoric; his entire body was melting and it was like the nails digging into his skin on his stomach, his neck, his shoulders, and the shameful sound of wet mouths creating disgusting noises kept him grounded.

_Kept him from dying._

Right now, it was the only thing Atem could feel except for the stinging; the hand that went from creating tiny bloody crescents in his neck to his face. He felt Kaiba’s teeth sink down onto his bottom lip.  He sucked on it, tongue gliding over until Atem’s chapped lips cracked and bled. Nails planted onto the side of his face under his cheekbone and dragged down in a trembling line to his jaw. It hurt. Atem was riled just enough to realize his balance was starting to fail because he was breathing so hard, the struggling of air through his nose wasn’t enough, not with Seto Kaiba’s tongue shoved down his throat. His knees trembled without warning, and his back slid down as if his soul had left his body, a limp doll of hot flesh in its place. He would’ve hit the floor if not for Kaiba’s lips ceasing movement but still glued to his, and a slender leg sliding between Atem’s, his knee pressed against the wall. Atem slid down on top of the limb, all of his bodyweight towering down with him. He felt Kaiba’s thigh wobble with the underestimated force.

Kaiba let his lips linger for a bit longer, motionless, before his spine uncoiled into his straight posture. Atem saw a smudge of his own blood on the brunette’s lips, but it didn’t contrast in color too much. Kaiba’s were already darkened from irritation.

Atem couldn’t, _would not,_ say anything. Shadows still played at his eyes, his ears heard soft static.

Kaiba let his own breath return to him, his chest heaving with excitement. And then he spoke.

A soft grunt, a slurred sound that vibrated next to Atem’s ear.

“I win this game.”

_Oh, fuck off Kai—_

Kaiba sighed. He lowered his leg slowly from the wall, enough warning for Atem to collect himself and stand on weak legs again. Blue eyes darted from side to side, the aggressive sexual demeanor suddenly changing for hesitance, embarrassment. It seemed so out of place.

“Truthfully…” Kaiba spoke softly. Eyes avoided contact. “I’m, uh… I’m sorry. That was… Uncalled for. I just… uh, that was always… That was always a fantasy of mine.”

And when he stopped speaking, when the words echoed off the walls, Kaiba looked … _pitiful._

 “And don’t look too much into this,” Kaiba started again, “I haven’t drank in a while, I…” His face was red. Blushing. _Unusual._ “I’m not thinking straight.” (Atem almost laughed.)

“But you were…” Another second to breathe. Kaiba’s fingers were lacing, unlacing, lacing again, Atem wanted him to stop.

Suddenly his eyes were on Atem’s again, intense. Meaningful. The shorter man gave him his full and undivided attention, he knew that this must have been social and emotional torture for Kaiba.

 “You were the only one.” Kaiba said it too loud. “The only one who fascinates me. You aren’t…” There was something else in his eyes, stories Atem wasn’t told yet. “It’s like you aren’t human.”

He looked away from Atem, then.

“I want to say this, and I’m hoping you don’t remember this tomorrow morning. But you… you captivate me.”

Atem stared at him, eyes wide. Dumbstruck _._

Kaiba stepped backwards, let his body lean into the counter. He kept on looking away from the man in front of him. Kaiba’s face had a pinkish tint and Atem wasn’t sure if it was from his confession, the alcohol, or both. Frankly, he wasn’t quite sure what the fuck was happening anymore.

Silence. Only the loud echo of the house.

Kaiba huffed dramatically, one eyebrow scrunched up in annoyance. “Well for fucks sake, are you going to say anything? I’ve never opened up to anyone like this before. Only you. And if you’re going to take what I say and just throw it out the fucking wi-“

Atem smiled.

He smiled, he cried. Loud sniffles, laughter, and fat tears that traced the outlines of his lips.

“…ndow,” Kaiba trailed off.

His lip twitched into a small grin, a mistake that was caught before Atem saw it. “Why are you crying? Jesus, you’re a wreck. Or Ra. Whatever weird animalistic furry Gods you believe in.”

Atem laughed again.

It wasn’t the victorious kind. It wasn’t condescending, sarcastic or arrogant.

It was genuine happiness brought out by _him,_ the one he always wished were different, and the fading buzz from liquor.

“I, I just…” Atem took a second to rub at his eyes, “I never thought you would open up to me. Sorry, I’m a bit emotional. And a bit drunk.” A chuckle. “But, I think I need to be more drunk.” He turned his head a little too fast to push himself from the wall he was leaning on, and one of the tiny crescent cuts on the side of his neck stretched and stung. He flinched and assessed the damage with his fingers.

“Also, holy fuck you were rough with me. I thought you were going to kill me, honestly. Who taught you that sort of hentai garbage?”

Kaiba jumped a bit at the accusation. A quick smirk. “Nobody. I just needed to make sure you didn’t try and come out on top.”

Atem’s eyes widened. Mouth turned in a thoughtful frown. Red on his cheeks.

_Top._

_No, don’t go there._

He launched forward towards the bar setup, legs still shaking from adrenaline. He stumbled over his own feet and slammed his hands onto the counter to catch himself before he fell on the ground.

He grabbed the bottle, poured a shot for himself, a shot for Kaiba.

“You know,” Atem said as he bent down to eyelevel with the glasses to make sure they were even with liquid, “I’d say my whole returning thing has been pretty shit so far. Thank you for letting me stay here. Honestly.”

“You’ve told me this enough times already, don’t worry about it,” Kaiba replied, walking towards him. “Just don’t fuck it up.”

Atem stuck his tongue out playfully as he handed Kaiba his share of alcohol. A catlike gleam in his eyes. Almost flirtatious. “You know, it almost seems like you like having me around. Never would’ve guessed.”

But he could’ve. He knew that throughout his adventures in prior years, Kaiba paid no attention to any other human besides his brother, and him. And he always wondered about him, knew he might never know the truth.

But oh,

_Kaiba knew,_

Atem was the grand prize. The unreachable goal.

Everything was in his reach, except for Atem.

_Not human._

“Careful with that tongue, you might lose it.” Kaiba grabbed the glass and hunched over the counter, forearms flat against the marble surface, one leg slightly bent up. His eyes were still narrowed with coolness, but they were almost playful.

Atem blushed, looked at him. Kaiba seemed so _normal_ he was convinced something like this was so fucking rare that he should start making wishes or something.

_No, shooting stars were much more common than this. This was probably comparable to a million dollar lottery ticket._

_Nah, more than that. Priceless._


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter of drunken stupor and repressed feelings,  
> Thank you all for the support thus far.  
> All of the constructive comments go a long way for me.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

Atem leaned against the counter, imitating the same slouched casualness that Kaiba possessed. They faced slightly different directions, but were still close enough for their elbows to be barely touching. It was a suggestion of comfort and need, but neither one would admit it.

“You know,” Atem began, a light tone of voice. A small smile. “I think I like drunk Kaiba. He’s a lot nicer than the other guy.”

Kaiba chuckled, thumbed the glass in his hand, rotated his wrist slightly so vodka wobbled around in little circles. “Don’t get used to it. I haven’t drank in months. It’s honestly a waste of time and an unnecessary headache later.” He stopped swishing the vodka around in his glass. The moonlight traced beams of light on decorative wine shelves. “I came downstairs to do this originally. To drink.” Atem looked at his glass. He had nothing to say, only wanted to listen. _He had missed so much._  “I had accepted you weren’t coming back quite some time ago. Kinda startled me to hear from you again.” He rubbed his cheekbones with his fingers. “Figured that if I drank enough, I might be able to calm the fuck down and not ask you a handful of questions about why you’re somehow alive and in the flesh again.”

Atem looked at the tiny designs in the counter, felt his heart drop and _Gods_ he wish he could control his thoughts.

“It’s nice to know someone missed me,” Atem said quietly.

He knew that Kaiba knew,

They both were thinking of the same person.

Yugi’s voice wrapped around his neck again, soft like fingers.

_I messed up. I messed up. I just… there’s just a lot of things going on, and I just wasn’t prepared for you coming back and I don’t know what’s going on, I want you to be okay, and I think I just made things so much worse. I need… I can’t._

He felt the words. They hurt. But he was selfish, he knew that Yugi missed him. He could tell when he had opened his eyes for the first time, and Yugi was there. When they were walking home, from that clearing.

 

* * *

 

_“You know, Atem,” Yugi continued, he had been talking for a while now. “I think I’m taller than you now.”_

_Atem laughed, straightened his posture. He liked the feeling of the damp sidewalk underneath his feet, how rough it felt against his soft feet, reborn. “I don’t know about that one, Yugi. I’ve always been a little taller.”_

_Yugi laughed so suddenly he accidentally snorted. “Sure, except that body you were in was mine. I just slouch a little bit when I walk. That’s why.”_

_Atem looked up, thoughtfully. The sky looked like a painting from long ago, priceless. The clouds were rose pedals dipped in the colors of the sunset behind them. He thought about how the sky looked when he ran through his memories, if it always looked that way. Back then, when he should have lived, when he should have died._

_“Here, hold on,” Yugi stopped walking and grabbed Atem’s forearms gently._

_He was always,_

_He was always so gentle._

_Atem stood still, feet overlapping one another. Keeping his makeshift scarf close to his body, he didn’t dare to move. Not when Yugi’s presence danced around him, brushed his skin like the softest feathers on Earth. He felt Yugi’s back against his, a hand that pressed down his hair._

_“Mmm,” Yugi hummed with the slightest bit of pride, “I don’t know, Atem. I think I’m taller than you.”_

_“What?” Atem questioned softly, though it sounded staged, playful. He knew that Yugi would be taller; he had aged and grown older without him after all. “No way.” His heart hurt, he felt like he had fallen behind, back in the past. His soul was so old, so tired, but he had only been awake for so long._

_He only breathed for 16 years,_

_But he was so tired._

_“I bet I could beat you in more games now, too," Yugi said._

_They started walking again._

_Atem looked at the sidewalk. Yugi had learned new games, new things._

_“Yeah,” Atem laughed. “I bet.”_

_Yugi looked at Atem for only a moment, long enough to read his face, know everything._

_“I’m only kidding. You’ll still beat me, probably.” Yugi smiled at him, bumped his shoulder while they walked._

_And Atem thought,_

_(Don’t you know, Yugi? I have already lost to you. And I am glad,)_

_Atem looked at Yugi, how the wind tangled his bangs._

_(I am so glad. You are your own, and I am somewhere else.)_

_(But now, I,)_

_(I don’t want to be alone,)_

_(I don’t want to be alone.)_

_“We’ll see, Yugi,” Atem said, “We will see. Tomorrow?”_

_Yugi smiled._

_The clouds were dipped in gold._

_“Tomorrow."_

 

* * *

 

Atem’s eyes unfocused, his smile left. He had lost himself in his mind, in his memories that were _so new._

Kaiba’s voice echoed in the kitchen. “I almost considered digging up that clunky puzzle of yours and inventing some sort of technology to drag your ancient soul back to Earth. I got bored here.”

Atem didn’t respond.

Kaiba noticed.

“Hey, Yugi-,” Kaiba bit his lip, swallowing his pride. “Sorry. Atem.”

Atem’s shoulders flinched, his eyes suddenly flickering back to life. He looked at Kaiba, strands of blonde bangs curled against his cheeks.

“Sorry,” Atem finally spoke. “A lot of shit happened today.”

_A lot of shit happened in a few hours._

Kaiba went back to rotating the glass in circles. “Well, I can only imagine. Being a 3,000 year old angsty teenage zombie-king sounds stressful.”

A bit of silence. Atem’s eyes locked onto a dormant TV that was installed into the wall across the kitchen.

Kaiba scratched at his arm, wished he’d stop fucking up. Wished he knew how to speak without lacing his sentences with thorns.

_But oh, the thorns, they always protected the roses hidden underneath._

Try again, try again.

Kaiba leaned a bit closer. “So how did you get this body anyways? I figured it was all wrapped up in toilet paper in a golden casket somewhere.”

Kaiba clenched the shot glass harder.

_Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

Atem’s eyes didn’t move. “Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m here again. I don’t know if I wished it, or if I was sent here. I don’t know.” A pause. His eyes glanced downwards at his own neglected glass, the liquid still with time. “I think this was my original body though. I honestly don’t know what happened to my body the first go-through with Zorc. Maybe it was kept somewhere, and I have it now.”

Atem only wished he remembered the afterlife, he would have asked _them_ , his friends, the witnesses to his death. When his soul was scattered in gold that was forged from blood and bones.

Kaiba pursed his lips, his eyes looked down for a moment. They smoothly transitioned to the left, to Atem’s face, and he leaned over until their arms were flat against each other’s, shoulders touching.

“Worry later. I’m providing you with free procrastination. Take a shot with me.” A small smile.

And it was so hard, but Kaiba was trying. His actions stung into his heart with caution lights, but he was so glad, so glad that Atem didn’t step away from him.

Atem felt butterflies in the pit of his stomach, felt light. And then he felt pity for the man next to him, skin touching skin.

_He isolated everyone to pursue his dream of leading KaibaCorp to higher heights. An unmatched ego. A self-entitled asshole._

_But Kaiba, he really was lonely, wasn’t he?_

Atem smiled back. “Sure.”

They clinked their glasses together, a tiny vibration that filled the comfortable silence of the room. They both leaned their heads back, vodka going down as easy as it could, glasses placed back the counter. More vibrations.

Atem rubbed his neck, hissing. He threw his head back a little too hard, reminders of earlier began to sting. “You know, you really didn’t have to attack me like a cat earlier, my neck stings. I think I’m bleeding.”

Kaiba got an idea. A fucked up one.

“Let me look,” he said, voice a bit softer than before. His head was turned towards Atem.

The smaller man hesitated for a second, looked up at him questioningly, and slowly removed his hand.

Kaiba grinned as he lifted his palm to rest below Atem’s neck, barely touching Atem’s skin. The muscles underneath twitched with instinct, the pads of his fingers tickled tiny hairs around the little broken pieces of skin. He traced his fingers downwards, then lifted his hand back up towards his jawline, then back down again, fingernails lightly dragging against irritated flesh. But it was so soft, Atem barely felt it. Only breath against his jawline. And Kaiba kept repeating the motions, breathing so close, fingers dusting his neck, his collarbones.

Atem’s breathing quickened, his eyes locked onto the counter. He held back the temptation to sigh, to tell Kaiba to quit fucking around and just kiss him again, he just wanted to feel something.

Suddenly, the brunette lowered his head to Atem’s clavicle and dragged his tongue from the bone up his neck, avoiding the bloody cuts, up his jawline, up to his ear.

Atem lost it.

Atem’s breathing came out in tiny rasps, his fingers digging down into the marble slate below him. Another tiny moan followed. His chest heaved, and he felt familiar heat in his abdomen.

So new, _so new, everything he ever wanted,_

_But he knew he was lying, he only wanted it now, he just wanted to feel something, just like the alcohol,_

Kaiba traced the back of his earlobe with the tip of his tongue and took it into his teeth, hands feeling wherever they could reach, wherever felt okay. He bit down hard enough for Atem to gasp against his better judgement, his own pride.

“You’re fucked up,” Atem rasped between breaths.

Kaiba bit his earlobe again lightly before unraveling back to his straightened posture, still close.

“Maybe so. I get kind of horny when I’m drunk.”

Atem stared at him, baffled, face slightly twisted.

He wondered then, if anyone else had stood where Atem had, where Kaiba’s hands had been. Where his mouth had been.

“Oh,” the only answer Atem gave the brunette.

An awkward pause.

Kaiba raised his chin, eyes looking down at the ones below, lips forming a straight line with a slight frown at the corners. Suddenly, it was as if Kaiba had reversed back to his old self, like his body was abducted by some kinder being lost long ago and he was just now thrown back into it.

“Sorry, I must’ve overstepped my boundaries.”

He stepped to the side, away from Atem and went to pour another shot.

Atem panicked, only for a second. _He liked him He liked him so close._

_Don’t go. Don’t leave me alone._

_(I don’t want to be alone.)_

Suddenly, Atem was determined. Confident. On fire.

The determination he felt was ordinary, but this time he was kind of feeling fucking insane.

A different kind of game.                              

He acted on instinct, needed to jump away from the coals on the floor.

He used his upper body strength to hoist himself on top of the polished marble, sliding the vodka bottle to the side, sitting on his knees in front of Kaiba. He straightened his back, the extra height advantage from the counter making him level with Kaiba, if not a few inches taller. He slapped both of his hands onto either side of Kaiba’s cheeks a bit forcefully, fingers stretched outwards, and kissed him. Hard, with motions like currents. His back was arched inwards, chapped lips _bloody lips_ pressed against soft pink porcelain, as if Kaiba’s entire body was made of higher quality muscle and tissue, richer than his money, and more expensive than his stupid fucking dragon jet.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get a bit more graphic this week, and just a warning that this fic will be bumped up to an M rating next week due to sexual content.  
> Thanks again for all of the comments, they make my world go 'round.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_Kaiba’s entire body was made of higher quality muscle and tissue, richer than his money, more expensive than his stupid fucking dragon jet._

It only took a second for Kaiba to respond, before his lips smashed into Atem’s with just as much force. Atem opened his mouth a bit wider, tongue tracing the outlines of the brunette’s teeth before sliding past them. All decency, all formality, was gone. There was nothing but vented emotions, suppressed hormones, and competitive natures blending in sick harmony with thoughts of sex.

Atem chuckled with his lips pressed against Kaiba’s mouth, Atem’s lips turned upwards in a sloppy smirk as his nails on that rested on Kaiba’s cheeks suddenly flexed into him. Kaiba grunted in response, biting the intruding tongue in his mouth lightly, roughly grabbing both of Atem’s wrists and slamming them onto the counter, letting go immediately afterwards to clench onto the small of Atem’s back, scooting him forward roughly until their stomachs were touching. Kaiba lifted his feet slightly so his waist aligned with the other man’s in all the places that counted, pulled Atem against him so hard that the air escaped from Atem’s chest, heated breath that was captured by the wet disorder of desperate mouths.

Hands snaked back to the waistline of Atem’s shorts. They lingered there for a moment in case Atem would reject the advancement before sliding down further in silent affirmation. Both of his hands groping Atem’s ass, pulling him closer, Kaiba leaned in, smaller legs leaning off the counter. Toes curling inwards. Atem’s head whipped backwards, separating from Kaiba’s lips with a tiny path of saliva between them before it separated, falling back on Atem’s chin.

Atem knew it looked terrible, sloppy.

And just for a moment, he thought about what Yugi would say if he knew.

If he walked through the door to apologize, to tell Atem he wanted him to come back,

To stay the night.

He didn’t care anymore. _Fuck,_ he never felt this way before, he had never been grabbed by someone like this, kissed by someone like this, _destroyed_ by someone like this, bodies grinding together, nerves stimulated through expensive blends of polyester and cotton like this.

He had always been so busy with the ultimate goal of death and protecting the ones he loved, he never gave himself the time of day to imagine what this would feel like.

Slight friction gave way to shameless thrusts, both men acknowledging the feeling and shape of their respective rival’s erection.

“Aah, fuck, what…” A fully bodied moan emerged from somewhere in Atem, no bother of censorship. “What the fuck… ah, is this…”

Another thrust, something hitting just right in Kaiba, a small sigh. Atem could see his form shaking slightly.

And he realized then,

That Kaiba had been just as preoccupied as himself.

Through all of the drunken stupor, Kaiba looked nervous.

“I… I don’t know,” Kaiba breathed, and Atem believed he was telling the truth. Kaiba didn’t quit moving, he rested his chin on Atem’s shoulder. A groan higher than his usual pitch, raw bliss. “It just… it feels…” He dug his fingers into Atem’s ass cheeks, hard enough for Atem to yelp. He forced him forward as he dragged his hips upwards into Atem in one long stride, another breathy moan from both of them. “But… _fuck_ , it feels so good.”

And it was there in that house, on that spacious kitchen counter, that moans echoed throughout every wall and in its ribcages. The sound of change, of irreversible consequences that come with delving into the curious demands that bodies make. Neither of them, _both of them_ , knew what they were doing. They only followed motions, struggled to make the physical contacts that hormones craved, the desires that stress and emotions birthed in each of them.

The grinding came to an abrupt halt a few minutes later as both of them realized that they were getting bored with the repetitive motions. Atem didn’t expect his body to be lifted suddenly off the counter, and into Kaiba’s arms like a ragdoll. Atem’s head was spinning, his body gave no resistance to his ex-rival.

_What were they, now, anyways?_

Kaiba had only made it a few steps before he leaned over the counter hard enough to be able to reach the vodka bottle with one of the hands that was supporting Atem.

 _Good,_ Atem thought.

“Where are we going?” Atem asked.

“Room,” was the simple reply.

Atem leaned his head back. His eyes traced the shadows in the ceilings that were too tall, then back to the counter. He saw the orange juice carton there, assumed they weren’t coming back tonight.

He almost told Kaiba to put it away before it spoiled, but he figured it would only cause irritation and _oh, he didn’t want that._ Not right now, when there was an infinite array of better choices for both of them.

He grunted in discomfort when Kaiba turned his body to fit Atem’s body through the exit of the kitchen without hitting Atem’s head on the archway. His neck stopped resisting, his arms, his legs, everything hung loosely. Anything else was too much effort. Eyes were kept wide open or else he might imagine that his body was a Ferris wheel that had become unhinged and rolled straight into the bathroom where he might be able to vomit up all his mistakes.

Atem slid his arms around Kaiba’s neck as they ascended up the stairs. Kaiba slipped a bit on one of the stairs and caught himself, movements only a sloppy means to get to his room. With the way his body swayed like an underdeveloped tree in a windstorm, Atem was certain the man carrying him would fall backwards, killing both of them. It was during this stumble, this moment in time,

In the endless garden of Atem’s mind, that for the first time,

He felt,

Protected.

By the least likely of all men.

Atem had only learned how to serve, how to provide, how to defend. Yugi thanked him. His friends thanked him. His kingdom. The world.

But it was tearing him apart. In the eyes of others, he had no weakness. He was the guardian, the king, the golden shield that deflected shadows away. But the shield was bubbling, melting. Intricate designs dripped downwards into the dark until the perfect sphere, the rays of sunlight that glowed like a lighthouse, they became the ultimate; a grotesque melting corpse of shining metals and riches, dripping gold like he was crying.  

Kaiba had taken in his deformed existence, asked (almost) no questions. He provided comfort in the rawest forms; silence, skin touching skin, nails tearing at flesh, _he was human,_ and Atem, he was so content.

But he hurt, because he knew that things like this,

Passion burned with fires that rivaled Hell itself,

They always burned out in slow and painful ways.

He knew this.

 He didn’t care.

 All he wanted was to pretend he wasn’t king, that the responsibilities and the endless sacrifices were not his purpose. And he knew Kaiba could give him this.

For the first time, _fuck, he wanted to lose._

He felt Kaiba’s forearm rise slightly, he was opening a door to one of the rooms. There were so many.  Kaiba walked in, tilting Atem again so he fit through the door. It hurt his head to look at the details upside down, but, it was worth the discomfort. The room was beautiful, Atem was in awe. _Kaiba slept with more royal privileges surrounding him than he ever had._ God’s don’t compare to the awesome power of money, he supposed.

The walls were lined with beautiful rows of polished wood. In the corner, wood ceased and stone began as a crafted tower for a decorative waterfall, so similar to the one Atem saw when he first arrived at the overwhelmingly spoiled house. He liked the sound of it, it mixed so finely with the quiet of the house, the insects outside. The bed was adorned with white sheets and pillows. The headboard was polished birch that started under the bed and rose up and over the top of it, a metropolitan canopy made of forests. There was a balcony on the other side of the room, a giant sliding glass door. Atem nearly choked when he saw the hot tub past those giant windows for entryways. _Only the richest of fucks can have hot tubs that function on the second floor of a house, hanging over the finely trimmed glass at least 30 feet below._

He imagined Kaiba sitting in it alone, staring off into space in his mansion in the middle of nowhere. He almost laughed, pitied him just a little.

Kaiba’s body curled downwards as he lowered Atem onto the neatly smoothed bedspread. The shorter man shifted his legs so he was sitting, back arched upwards towards Kaiba’s face that was shadowed by the night, illuminated by the reflections of the waterfall in the corner. Rivulets of light played on his face. The shades and colors that played on Kaiba’s skin entranced Atem, showed all the life that he never knew was there. Kaiba uncapped the vodka bottle, his head leaning back, throat outlined against the darkness, as he took a quick swig before lifting the bottle suggestively towards Atem. A silent question if he wanted any.

_Fuck it._

Atem thought to take the bottle from Kaiba, but his head was clouded with bad ideas. He acted on those instead.  Atem smirked. His teeth glowed with mischievous intent. His chest leaned forward as he dragged his tongue from the neck of the bottle up towards the top, making a blatantly obvious tease as he flicked his tongue over the rim. His eyes were locked on Kaiba’s the entire time. From the way Kaiba’s face distorted, he could tell he was biting the inside of his cheek. His crystalized eyes widened by the tiniest amount. Atem assumed he was probably blushing too, but the damn reflections fucked with all the colors in the room.

Kaiba chuckled, a warm and comforting sound. “Well I must say, Pharaoh, I’m jealous. Didn’t know you liked alcohol so much.” Kaiba’s grin only widened. “Fuck, what am I saying. You were choking on this shit earlier,” he snorted. Atem knew the Kaiba had to be pretty drunk to let that one out. “You know,” Kaiba continued unnecessarily, “because dicks. Choking.”

Atem glared at him, snatched the bottle and swallowed down a generous amount of poison. He set the sloshing container on the bed, he was halfway confident it wouldn’t leak. He felt his cheeks tingle with intoxication, and he loved the overall _numbness_ he felt. He barely noticed his mouth becoming a fleshy mess from biting his lips, the soft tissue on the insides of his cheeks, because he just loved _feeling_ something.

“Yes, Kaiba, I get it,” Atem reassured sarcastically, “you’re the funniest man alive.”

Atem smiled. This was fun.

He got more bad ideas, wanted to play his own childish game.

Atem stood up and quickly climbed on top of the bed, rising to his feet, head reaching heights above Kaiba’s. With a scream of determination, Atem leaped off the bed with arms open, immediately locking them around Kaiba's neck, legs wrapping around his stomach. He thought of Mana. Laughed. Hurt. _Forget about it._

Kaiba grunted in surprise, his feet stumbling back a second, before making noises that Atem had only heard when he was convinced this man was fucking insane. Except this time, it fell into the lost categories in Kaiba’s timeline that had been destroyed long ago.

Kaiba laughed.

_He laughed._

Unrestricted, pure.

It wasn’t a chuckle or a giggle,

it was a wholehearted

_expression of happiness_

Even with Atem’s head tucked into the crook of Kaiba’s neck, he could feel the muscles in Kaiba’s face giving way for the unexplainably beautiful sound. He felt the man’s chest pulsating with the motions, the way his heart beat faster. Both of theirs. Whatever this was, Atem wanted it to continue. He didn’t want it to stop.

Atem smiled, told himself not to cry.

He decided, then,

This life was better than death.


	14. Chapter 14

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_Atem smiled, told himself not to cry._

_This was better than death._

Atem joined the laughter, wrapped his arms and legs around Kaiba tigther because he wanted to be _so close,_ and he also didn’t want to fall. Kaiba smelled faintly of expensive cologne and dryer sheets. There was another indescribable smell there, but he just assumed that was his natural aroma.

He liked it.

He heard Kaiba’s laughter quiet down, the vibration of bright and vivid emotions in his chest dimming slightly. Kaiba’s arms were locked underneath Atem. He shifted his spine backwards; he wanted to see Atem’s face. The smaller man honored his silent request and let his hands shift from Kaiba’s neck to his shoulders. They were both smiling like blissful idiots.

Eyes shining, glazed over with want, glazed over with infatuation. The way their eyes crinkled was akin to the feeling of a first crush, shy with inexperience, feelings of maturity.

Atem’s face reflected twilight, Kaiba’s shined like ripples of water in an underground cave.  They felt light, it was like the _eternity_ of stressful motions of living had ceased at that moment, everything was just a prelude to this.

Atem could still feel air pushing through his nose as little giggles erupted without cause. His fingers glided from Kaiba’s shoulders to his cheeks, _God they were so soft_ and traced the outlines and contours of his face. His jaw, his brow, his nose, finally his lips. They lingered there. Atem’s body shifted closer, his face gravitated towards Kaiba’s. His eyes fluttered shut. And through the darkness that covered his vision, he felt sparks. He felt Kaiba’s mouth against his, more gentle than anything he had ever felt. It was like wrapping his body in cashmere, somewhere where gravity didn’t exist anymore; feeling soft brushes everywhere. He felt Kaiba’s lips form with his, every angle matched perfectly, jaws moving at the right times, gentle fingers.

Atem had forgotten about Yugi for the moment,

Everything that preceded this, how far he and Kaiba would let lust take them.

He told himself that this was perfect, so it was the truth.

The small fire in his stomach that had been ignited _so many times_ that night started to burn again, and he needed change. Needed more. Atem’s nails traced Kaiba’s earlobe as his lips parted once more. He let his tongue join the motions of the kiss, Kaiba picked up the notion immediately. Their tongues swirled around each other’s with every movement, and Atem could hear Kaiba’s breathing quicken. The hands were supporting Atem shifted, fingers scratching lightly where the dimples in Atem’s lower back were.

A soft noise from Atem was enough for Kaiba to start a change of his own. He walked forward until his legs were touching the foot of the bed and lowered Atem down, kissing him harshly as he did so. He knew what he wanted to feel, so did Atem.

“Back up,” Kaiba said softly, somewhere between an assertion and a caring whisper.

“Okay.”

Atem scooted towards the headboard, unruly hair falling into one of the pillows. He looked at Kaiba, waiting.

Kaiba crawled up next to him, head halfway on Atem’s pillow, and laid on his side. He shifted his shoulder so one of his arms were next to Atem’s head, palm against neck. His spine twisted, one leg propped by his knee, between Atem’s thighs. Dangerously close to any sort of touch. A suggestion.

And then, everything around them melted into nothing. Everything but Kaiba’s bed that was too expensive.

Tongues became more desperate. The synchronization disappeared, exchanged for shameful noises and grinding teeth, grinding bones. Kaiba broke off the kiss as soon as it started and didn’t even bother leaving a trail of kisses down Atem’s jaw. He pressed his lips against the crook of Atem’s neck, he was utilizing methods he had read about on the internet. He learned this was a good and effective place to start. He must’ve been very bored. And sad.

Kaiba’s lips pressed onto sensitive skin. Atem’s mouth started functioning on its own, his throat emitting noises that he wasn’t aware he could make until that moment.

Atem felt an indescribable _something_ that shot signals straight to his brain, straight to his groin. He loved it. Lips stayed there, teeth nipping slightly at the flesh, and pressing every angle of his tongue into the spot.

“Aah! What…” Atem sighed, back arching slightly, hips starting to roll upwards on their own, a hand in Kaiba’s soft hair, more moans. A sudden feeling, sensations occurring sporadically, and it was driving Atem fucking insane. He held Kaiba’s head in place, he wanted him to do whatever the fuck he was doing for the rest of the night. That was a lie. He wanted everything.

More sensations, Kaiba’s tongue pushing harder against skin, before taking the section he had been working into his mouth, and sucking inexcusably hard on it.

“Ah, Kaiba that…” An attempt to tell him it hurt, but somewhere in the back of his head stopped his sentence. He knew there was something alluring about it.

His hands wandered. He had always imagined Kaiba’s skin would’ve been soft, his thoughts were correct. Fingers dusted against protruding hip bones, tracing the dips when bone gave way to vulnerable flesh. Kaiba seemed relatively fit, but his tall stature made everything seem so much more slender and tight, silk wrapped around the most delicate of places. Fearing rejection, Atem took a small bit of Kaiba’s shirt in his hands and slowly pushed it upwards. A suggestion. The bed was warm enough, there was no need for silly accessories such as clothes.

He heard a raspy giggling fit from the figure on top of him, suddenly he wasn’t sure if that was actually his rival, or maybe… No. He tried to push the thought away. The bed gave in as Kaiba pushed his body upwards with his crafted arms that seemed to glow in the pale light. Small noises of sheets and clothes shifting.

_If Kaiba had never met that man,_

_If he was always Seto, never Kaiba,_

_If he had a loving home to begin with,_

_Who would he be right now?_

_Memories of Set, of Egypt._

_Set was resting, now._

_Everyone from that moment on his timeline, all of them were resting._

_It hurt._

Light reflections from the water projected onto Kaiba’s torso. His back arched as he crossed his arms, handfuls of soft fabric on either side. He lifted his hands upwards, and Atem stopped breathing.

 _Kaiba was stunning_. His stomach was sucked in slightly, the little dip where his ribcage ended casted a shadow down toned muscles in the softest of ways. Little v-lines that started near hipbones and descended down into his pants shifted slightly with his motions. A suggestion. The shirt was nearly over his head. The sight of skin tightly shifting against his clavicles, his ribs, the small outlines of nipples, muscles tightening and relaxing, it all flowed with the elegance that Kaiba always carried.

That reminded Atem once again who was on top of him. The one he was pretty damn sure he was going to have his first time with.

The shirt slid off of Kaiba’s back, all of its shadows melting with the white bedsheets.

Kaiba was smiling down at him. He could see his chest rising and falling, slow and steady breathing.

_Gods, he was beautiful_

 “Fuck Kaiba, you’re hot,” Atem blurted out spontaneous words before he could recognize what he said, his mouth pursed to keep himself from smiling afterwards.

Kaiba’s grin widened, if that was even possible.

“Thanks,” he replied as his elbows lowered to rest at either side of Atem’s head. “You too.”

And Kaiba kissed him again, his chest sinking down to melt with Atem. Hands immediately began tracing every outline of the brunette’s back, every shape, taking note of how it all seemed to work together so well in that body.

Suddenly lips were separated once more, and Atem’s head was aligned with Kaiba’s shoulder.

He opened his mouth to complain, and something else came out entirely.

He wasn’t expecting Kaiba’s hips to grind against his as hard as they did. He felt everything.

_Everything._

Apparently, Kaiba was just as stupidly, painfully, and confusingly horny as he was.

Atem immediately took a section of Kaiba’s neck into his mouth, trying to imitate Kaiba’s performance on his own skin earlier. Also an excuse to muffle his moans. Also still kind of upset that they weren’t kissing. Stupid height difference.

He bit down on skin a little too hard. Kaiba sighed, a small breathy moan. His fingers pushed their way under Atem’s shirt to dig into him, tendons in his hands tightening.

They played this game for a while, silently acknowledging how the rocking of their hips became less of hesitant motions, and more of a silent and strategized pressing of erections against each other. New feelings, new ideas.

Tiny noises came from both of them. They were only learning more about one another, themselves, how painfully inexperienced both of them were with intimacy. But they both knew what felt right and that was enough.

Kaiba’s breath ticked hair above Atem’s ear. When he spoke, the vibrations only sent more signals down his body.

“Atem… I…”

They were both trying to clear their heads from the distractions they were both causing on each other.

“H… huh?” A breathy question. Atem wasn’t sure capable he was of speaking. Kaiba’s skin twitched when he spoke against his neck.

Another grind. It was lined up perfectly, shaft against shaft.

A noise from both of them.

“I want…” Kaiba exhaled, “take your clothes off.”

Atem’s face reddened, his breath hitched.

More pulsating and throbbing in sensitive areas to the point where it was painful.

Without words, Kaiba retreated back as Atem raised his body. A hand went under his shirt to pull the shirt sleeve away and over his other arm. The freed arm did the same to the other. He pushed his shirt up and over his head from the inside.

Kaiba blinked at him. Raised an eyebrow. “You take off your shirt like a fucking doofus.”

“Shut up,” Atem grumbled. He didn’t notice how Kaiba’s heart started thudding faster in his ribcage and how his eyes never left Atem’s smaller torso. He didn’t notice his face flushing either.

Atem’s fingers went down to the waistline of his own pajama shorts, and stopped.

“Wait, no. No.” A blush. “I’m not taking off my pants unless you do.”

Kaiba raised a hand to his mouth to cover the motions of a laugh.

“If you say so,” Kaiba said. “Dork.”

They both began removing grey pajama bottoms that looked too similar to each other, before Kaiba stopped, looking at Atem, biting his pink lips lightly. Icy eyes flickered between Atem’s face and his lower abdomen. Atem’s hands stopped.

“What now, dragon lord?” Atem asked. He snorted at his own lame joke.

“You’re not wearing underwear, are you?”

Atem snorted. Smirked. “I showed up here in a scarf for fucking pants, what did you expect?”

Kaiba’s head tilted. His eyes lightened.

“You got me there,” Kaiba admitted. “Also, _dragon lord_? Really? _Really?_ I could call you _soooo_ (his eyes rolled with the words, being the dramatic drunkard he was at the moment) much worse.”

Atem’s head cocked to the side, and his chest puffed up with childish masculinity.

“Gimme your best shot, geek,” he challenged, emphasizing his taunt by poking his pointer finger into Kaiba’s chest.

Kaiba’s smile fell. He looked up towards the ceiling in thought, eyes wide and childish. “Uh…” The smile creeped back. “Uhhh,” he tried again, small chuckles emerging from his throat as his head swayed a little bit.

Then he shrugged his shoulders.

“Shit. Too drunk to think of the right words,” and then he leaned toward Atem, his palms resting on the Egyptian’s hip bones, circling them harshly, hands flexed outwards. He felt how the skin shifted under his touch, his lips upturned next to the other man’s ear. “I can do worse, though.”

Atem grinned, his fingers scratching down into Kaiba’s remaining clothing, digging his nails into the taller man’s ass cheeks and dragging them up to the dimples on his back, feeling satisfied when he heard Kaiba gasp and shudder.

“Try me.”

Kaiba snapped.

Hands were pushing Atem down into the sheets by his shoulders, his arms at full stretch. His head was dangerously close to Atem’s lower waist, silky brown hair framing his face, long strands tickling tan skin. His fingers slid down as much as it took for Kaiba’s lips to be at Atem’s navel, his tongue sliding into the small crevice briefly before moving down further, his mouth opening wider to envelop itself around the outline of Atem’s dick through soft clothes, teeth dragging dangerously, his tongue pressing onto it as hard as the muscle would let him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the late update, but I decided to make this a long chapter to make up for the fact that I'll be at a con on Sunday, so no update then either.
> 
> Warning: This chapter has sexual themes, as well as an abstract portrayal of panic attacks.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_“Try me.”_

 

“Fuck! Aah, Kaiba, what, what the fuck?” More moans as his back arched off the bed, his hands immediately finding refuge in Kaiba’s hair. “What the fuck are you… you doing?”

The hot warmth against him left as soon as it came. Kaiba lifted his head a few inches as he grabbed the shorts below him and yanked them downwards, lifting his body slightly as he dragged them completely off Atem’s body. Kaiba’s mouth lowered again, hot breath against the most sensitive of places. A hand steadied Atem’s dick upwards, swollen lips smiling against it.

“I don’t know, really. I’ve never done this before. Sounded fun.”

Atem felt his head begin to swim, his ears began to ring. He never imagined _anything_ like this would ever happen to him. Hell, he was convinced everyone he knew was straight except for him. He just never imagined…

Kaiba…

“This,” Atem spoke between small gasps for air, “I, I don’t know how much of this I can…”

Kaiba’s mouth was flush against him now, he could feel the way that his throbbing skin pressed against Kaiba’s teeth, how his tongue was barely touching him, but he could still feel it. A suggestion. “Let’s find out,” Kaiba whispered, his tongue dragging from the base of Atem’s cock to the top, slowly, leaving a shining trail of saliva behind.

“Aah, holy ffucking shit…” Atem screamed then nearly whispered; he couldn’t keep his mind, his body, let alone his voice under control.

The tingling of cold air against the wet places on his dick, Kaiba's fingers around him, the tiny feelings every time the skin shifted, it was too fucking much.

Kaiba dragged his lips lightly against the tip, side to side, then his mouth opened just enough to cover it. He sank his head down, _warmth, nothing but warmth,_ Atem could feel every indent and shape in Kaiba's mouth around him and _fuck_ he had never felt something so amazing. It made him dizzy.

It felt astounding,

but _his head, his body, his eyes,_

_why was everything moving so fast, where was the bed, how much did he drink_

“Nngh, fuck, Kaiba I,” he interrupted himself with a moan he couldn't suppress when he felt grazing of teeth. “Kaiba, I, I,” Atem panted, his head, it started to spin faster, and now he wasn’t so sure if it was from pleasure or the stupid fucking alcohol.

“You, you gotta...” it has hard to sound serious in his current position. He swore his head was going to rip from under the skin of his neck and roll off the bed. His body weighed thousands of pounds, and he swore they were going to break through the bed, the floor, and die on the counter where this mess started.

“Shhh,” Kaiba shushed between his motions that he had read about online ( _he was so alone)_. His tongue swirled at the top of Atem’s swollen head, his cheeks caving in as he sucked his way down.

_Fuck, this felt amazing_

_But fuck, he was more worried about…_

“Kaiba…” his head was rolling faster than he could breathe. Kaiba started bobbing his head slowly, sucking, nipping, fingers were scratching his body, _fuck._

“You…” Atem tried, his efforts to clear his thoughts struggling to rise past the quickened motions of Kaiba’s _too fucking skilled_ mouth.

The brunette spoke after his lips were barely parted near the head that was nearly drooling with precum.

“You’re fine, Atem.” He bit his lip, let it drag and fall from his teeth. He felt soft skin tear away. His gaze burned into the other man’s entire existence.

“Do it,” Kaiba asserted, every vowel and consonant so stupidly _strong_ that it echoed throughout the room.

The scene in front of him was undoubtedly the most attractive thing Atem had ever seen. He probably would have taken up Kaiba’s suggestion and orgasmed from that alone if he didn’t feel like he was going to fucking _die._  

Kaiba’s mouth formed against Atem’s dick once again, sliding his cheeks downwards until his lips were at the base. He dug his nails into Atem’s inner thigh before slapping the skin with his palm, a sharp noise in the quiet house.

Atem closed his eyes at the feeling. _Big mistake._ His mind was screaming too loud, his legs shook, and his stomach… _his stomach..._

Sudden realization. _Urgent_ realization.

_His stomach, stomach, his throat, his head, shitshitshit_

Atem’s breathing became sporadic and heavy as he somewhat roughly pulled Kaiba’s head away, _he tried to ignore the wet popping noise when Kaiba’s lips left his craving body_

his shaking hand quickly released the other man’s hair, trailing upwards to hover over his mouth.

“ _Kaiba,”_ Atem raised his voice, emphasizing his words enough for Kaiba to notice that he wasn’t playing around.

Kaiba’s lusted eyes faded into a look of concern.

“What?”

“I think… I think I’m going to throw up,” Atem spoke hastily through his fingers.

Kaiba blinked at him.

“Oh,” he acknowledged.

Then he got it.

“Oh, _oh!_ Shit, okay, hold on, hold on.”

Kaiba grabbed Atem’s hand and they both stumbled off the bed with an embarrassing amount of sloppiness. At least the bathroom door was directly across from the bed, _the room was so fucking spacious_.

Kaiba hit his shoulder against the door in his drunken stupor while letting Atem run in front of him to the toilet at the end of the new discovered room, which, _had its own separate fucking fancy sliding glass door. Why were all the doors made of fucking glass._

Atem threw the door open and immediately kneeled in front of the toilet, his heavy, shuddering sighs echoing in the porcelain bowl.

His eyes wouldn’t focus, they wouldn’t stop rolling upwards over and over again. He swore he was falling backwards in place, and he just wished it would _stop._

It ruined his first blowjob, dammit.

“Sorry,” Atem mumbled into the toilet.

“No, it’s okay,” a small chuckle from behind him. “I’m kinda pissed though, I thought I was doing good.”

Atem laughed shakily. “I mean, it was fucking awesome,” a sigh, shaking legs, “you sure knew what the fuck you were doing. Maybe I’m going to th-throw up because you're just that cool at it.”

_Atem couldn't believe the words coming out of his own mouth, he sounded like an idiot. Being drunk was fucking strange._

Atem shifted his weight, hissing when his skin stuck to the tiles of the floor. _Good thing Kaiba was so damn clean all the time._

He gagged a little, his head was fucked, and he didn’t feel right at all. He swore he was probably going to die. Again.

“Hey,” Atem started, not wanting to hear only the noises of his bodily discomfort, “you never took off your clothes… Asshole.” The pitch of his voice wavering and trembling, the nausea was getting to him.

Kaiba knelt down next to the other man and began rubbing circles in Atem’s back with his palm. “I was going to before you decided to go and drink more than you could handle.”

A gag, back muscles tightening, his spine pushing against his own skin with the way his back curved in on itself. Another gag, his throat made wet, bubbly noises. It sounded disgusting, but Kaiba didn’t mind. He had knelt at the same toilet doing the same thing more times than he wanted to remember. It became a nightly routine for weeks.

He thought of that day.

 _The_ day.

_I’m sorry… I give up. You’re… you need help._

The sound of airplanes. People talking. Announcements through intercoms.

_Bye... Seto._

Kaiba heard these words every day in his head, they didn’t phase him anymore. They were only a reminder.

Blue eyes shifted to look at all of the features on the smaller figure’s back. All of its variations and perfections that were nothing short of flawless,

_But that's how he always was._

Godlike skin to accompany his undying determination, it was as perfect as the skin used to create him.

Two little dimples at the small of his back. It looked like Atem’s genuine body, the one that should have rotted into dust thousands of years ago. Yet everything seemed untouched, unscarred. _New._ Unreal. A perfect version of a broken body from long ago.

Or maybe he was always this beautiful in his own skin _._

He just had to keep on reminding himself that this wasn’t a dream.

This wasn’t a simulation.

This wasn’t another sleepless dream, shameful fantasies, alone in his house that was too fucking big.

Atem was alive (again), naked, and throwing up in his toilet in his designer bathroom.

And there were so many things that Kaiba would never tell him.

His mind was just like Atem’s: A sanctuary filled with infinite hallways and broken doors, all of them leaking with the putrid essence of memories. But unlike him, Kaiba didn’t want his memories. Even with all of the money he had, he could never buy enough distractions; he could never pay enough of a price to erase his past. The only escape was death, but he had his brother (didn’t he?). His brother needed him (he didn’t). He tried to destroy the permanent scars that were left on him, left on his body (his neck, his back, his arms), all of the doors and rooms in his sanctuary that he didn’t want.

_He couldn’t get rid of the scars._

So he accepted it all, let his innocence decay, he let it become fertile soil for more rotted doors coated in silver and steel. He let the tower climb, and that is where he stood and watched as his mind began to rebuild itself without his consent. And so he hid. He hid from himself, forgot who he was.

He opened his eyes (when did he close them) as he heard Atem vomit up chunks of pasta. It smelled gross.

He patted the shivering and sweaty backside. “I’ll be back, stay here.”

“Where else would I go?” Atem squeaked, his voice strained and rough with stomach acid.

“True.”

Kaiba rose and left the bathroom, left his room. He heard a burp as he exited. He felt his stomach jolt with an instinctive chuckle and he let his bare feet lead him down wooden stairs.

He halted at the last step, head turned to look at the guest room where Atem was supposed to be sleeping right now. The door was open, he could see inside. There was a jacket and that scarf-for-fucking-pants on the floor. _Yugi._ He grinded his teeth together, felt something festering in his gut. He wondered what was said between them. Wondered what Atem’s face looked like. Imagined him crying. He could hear both of them yelling in his head. He remembered the phone conversation, how his phone had lit up his dark room with Yugi’s name. Closed his eyes.

 

* * *

 

_He was lost between dreaming and thinking too much, his eyes had been closed for an hour. But he couldn’t sleep. Never could. He was drifting through the minutes until his phone lit up, a soft glow that he could see even with eyes closed._

_All of the business partners associated with KaibaCorp knew not to call past 5:00. Nobody actually called just to talk to him, he was never worth the time. He was an asshole to everyone anyways._

_Truthfully, as much as he hated himself for it, he missed Yugi and his friends._ Him. _He missed_ him _too. It made him sick. He only knew how to speak in strategies, in numbers, the only language he loved._

_Talking to Yugi wasn’t the same. Not when he wasn’t there. He hated it._

_After returning from Egypt, Yugi had made several attempts to reach out to him._

_Yugi saw right through him. Kaiba was aware._

_Yugi knew how much he cared, and how he would never admit it._

_After a few months, Yugi’s calls and texts were less frequent. He gave up, but Kaiba didn’t blame him. Even after everything they had encountered together, Kaiba still treated Yugi like shit. It was habit and he hated to look at him. He only saw the reminder of another person who he never should have met, a person who should have died thousands of years ago. He honestly wished Atem_ _had_ _died then, he wouldn’t be as fucked up as he was now. He drove feelings away, but something, this feeling he didn’t understand tried to squeeze the life out of him and destroy his organs every time_ he _appeared in Kaiba’s thoughts._

_The phone was still glowing, a soft vibration next to his head._

_A pale hand reached out from disheveled sheets._

_Looked at the phone, he didn’t expect to see_ his _name. He didn’t get calls from Yugi anymore (the last one was weeks ago, Kaiba told him to fuck off), let alone this late. Even if Yugi was dying, he was pretty sure his number would be the last one called._

_Kaiba accepted that he was terrible, accepted his fate to be alone._

_He always knew he would die alone._

_He prepared himself, he wore the personality he was famous for. It was his barrier, his security._

_Kaiba never moved his head. He gently held the phone to his ear, reciting in his mind how he would stay in control of the call. Yugi would not speak first._

_The line was connected._

_“And what in all the seven layers of Hell could be the reason you’re calling me, Yugi?”_

_He bit his lip, angry at how tired he sounded. No weaknesses. He tried again._

_“Isn’t it past your bedtime, anyways?” He spoke clearer, the voice sounded more like the version of himself that he always preferred._

_Brief static._

_He thought he heard screaming._

_“Kaiba… this is Atem. Pharaoh. The other Yugi,”_

_The voice spoke clearly. Confidence. Yet there was something else there._

_That didn’t matter, Kaiba was too occupied trying to calm the burning and tearing in his body. He swore he was hallucinating, he didn’t hear this. He bit the inside of his cheek, tasted blood there. His toes curled. Stomach caved. Nails scraped against his phone. Eyes wide open in the dark._

_He almost dropped his barrier. Almost. All the doors in his mind flew open, hinges tearing away, screws and nails stabbing into his skin._

_He swallowed them down._

_Speaking was so hard. “…I’m going to hang up. I don’t have time for jokes. Goodnight, Yugi. Don’t call me agai-“_

_“Kaiba, I’m telling the truth. I woke up today. Y…” Silence. Kaiba knew the voice. He couldn’t decide if he was excited, or if he wanted a car to fly through his balcony window and splatter him all over the walls. “Yugi found me.”_

_The voice. It sounded different than when Atem was still sharing bodies with Yugi, but the inflection, the emotion, the tone, it was there. It was always there._

_And nobody sounded like him._

_He wanted to deny it, deny himself, but he knew._

_He knew from the first word because he had replayed things the other man said in his head over and over again. Hated himself for all of the times in the past when he had cut him off, all the times he left. He didn’t hear the voice enough. It was never enough._

_Kaiba paused to rebuild himself before he spoke._

_The screams he swore he heard earlier were real. The phone had picked up a particularly hysterical yell, followed by crying. He contemplated acting predictable and asking if someone was being murdered. He didn’t._

_“Knock it off. Atem is dead.” The words were supposed to come out flat and lifeless, but they didn’t. There was disbelief in the tone. Emotion. An accident.  He didn’t know how to speak anymore. He still couldn’t believe this was happening._

_“Kaiba, I’m sure you can tell,” the voice replied. It was annoying how confident it was. He wanted the voice to lie. If it did, then his head wouldn’t be so clouded and thick with options and possibilities. Things he wanted to say. Things he should say. Things to avoid. How to protect himself._

_Another scream was picked up by the phone, cutting in and out._

_“Kaiba, I’m sure you can tell.”_

_He could tell, oh yes, he could tell._

_Kaiba just didn’t know how to act. And he fucking hated it._

_“It’s me. Atem. I don’t have any time to explain… but…”_

_Kaiba waited. The pause was long enough for him to realize he had bit his cheek too hard, he released fleshy tissue. The taste of blood._

_“Could…”_

_Kaiba waited. This was real. The voice spoke again, disembodied sentences._

_“I can’t… I’m at Yugi’s.”_

_Kaiba was starting to question if this was somebody else. This voice, it was so unsure. It sounded so broken. The raw emotion in it made Kaiba nauseated. He hated it._

_“Could you come and get me?”_

_And then Kaiba finally broke._

_His legs shot up as he curled inwards, every muscle in his body tightening and he swore they were going to all snap into pieces. He stopped breathing._

_Are you fucking serious?_

_The warbled cries on the other line was the only sound in Kaiba’s house besides the shrieking anxieties in his head. Images of Atem, how he looked in Yugi’s skin, how he looked in the past, his voice, his eyes_

_There was no way_

_That that person_

_The dead boy_

_Could create new memories again. New images._

_Kaiba was frightened._

_And that was okay, because nobody else was in the room with him._

_Nobody else would know. He was safe._

_His heart was pounding. Cold sweat. He_ _couldn’t_ _breathe but he was breathing_ _too fast_ _._

_Stay calm._

_“Kaiba, please…”_

_Calm down._

_How was this happening?_

_How could this possibly be true?_

_Calm down._

_He forced himself back into character. The doors of his mind slammed shut._

_Calm._

_Every inhale and exhale was a calculated process. He forgot how to breathe naturally._

_He was calm._

_An annoyed huff was chosen to be an adequate reaction._

_Everything was recited, he picked up the pieces of himself. He was so good at this._

_He spoke into the phone._

_“You owe me. Don’t get used to this.”_

_The words he chose felt like the optimal response,  but he didn’t realize he had invited Atem to his home. Too late._

_The screaming in the background had started to die down._

_He thought for a moment._

_This was Yugi’s phone, the screaming sounded like Yugi too._

_He shoved the thoughts away._

_The voice speaking to him could be an impostor, someone who wanted Kaiba dead. Wouldn’t be the first. He wasn’t opposed to it either, not now._

_The next chunk of words came out too fast. Too unpolished._

_“Someone will be there in ten minutes. I assume you don’t have money for a taxi. Bye.”_

_As soon as the last syllable had disappeared into the darkness of the room, Kaiba tapped the ‘End Call’ button more times than needed and threw the phone at the wall._

_He screamed. It echoed._

_Raised his hand to his mouth, bit his skin._

_The barrier was down, it was damaged beyond repair, but it would still work as long as he was alive._

_He heard the house cave in around him._

_He had to get up._

_Not yet. Kaiba knew that if he stood up, he wouldn’t make it far before falling onto the floor._

_(When did I become so weak?)_

_(I wasn’t always like this)_

_Oh. The taxi._

_His eyes had adjusted to the dark. He swung his legs off the bed, his elbows digging into his thighs, hands supporting his head. He sat there for a second._

_Stay calm._

_Calm down._

_He stood slowly. Found his phone where it rested next to the wall he threw it at._

_He stared at the screen for a moment. Sighed. (He wasn’t ready for this, how could he be?)_

_Dialed a number, the man on the other line picked up within seconds, he spoke with the formalities that he was fucking sick and tired of hearing._

_Kaiba cleared his throat._

_“I’m having a house guest tonight. I need you to pick up…”_

_Wait._

_Atem didn’t exist in this world. His records were nonexistent, existing only in books that rotted in closed libraries, the paragraphs that children skipped over in history class. The Nameless Pharaoh. Nobody cared._

_“He is at Yugi Mutou’s house. Short. Looks kind of like Yugi but… isn’t him. Looks kind of angry His name is Atem… um.”_

_He felt like keeping up his asshole persona._

_“Just call him Yugi. Don’t call him Atem.”_

_A voice on the other line._

_“Okay,” Seto said, “I expect you to arrive with him by midnight. Goodbye.”_

_He hung up the phone, placed it next to him. Dug his palms into his eyes sockets. Sighed._

_Atem was staying at his house tonight._

_Atem._

_The name, even just thinking about it, made him feel cold._

_He tried to keep the doors shut, but the hinges were broken._

_His fortress was never impenetrable, everything had a weakness._


	16. Chapter 16

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._  

 

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Joey?”

Yugi heard a sharp intake of breath. Joey had almost fallen asleep, but the voice from the couch above his makeshift bed of old blankets and pillows startled him back to consciousness. Yugi tried to pretend that he wasn’t keeping his best friend up on purpose. Being lost in his thoughts was too volatile.

“Yeah, Yugi?” His voice was uneven, strained with fatigue. _It was so late._

“…What do you think they’re doing right now?” Yugi’s voice was quiet.

He heard Joey sigh. Yugi felt sting of regret in his stomach, but it didn’t matter. He was sickly curious.

He didn’t want to know.

_He just wanted to torture himself._

“Probably sleeping. You need sleep too, Yugi. Today has been rough for you. Plus,” Joey took a minute to yawn, “it’s Kaiba. I’m sure he probably made him sleep outside or something.” Another yawn. “Atem was a dick to you, he deserves it. You deserve better.”

“Thank you, Joey.”

But Yugi was angry. He knew these lines. The mindless sympathetic words. They were empty, a standard of friendship, picking sides.

He saw through everything. But he knew Joey was trying.

Atem deserved to suffer, _but so did he._

Because Joey didn’t know he tried to kiss him,

Because Joey didn’t see the wishful thinking and the hopeful, newborn love die in Atem’s eyes when he said no.

Yugi was the one that provoked the fire, the one that caused the entire house and the hallway, the memories, to smolder around them and kill any hope for a familiar bond. What he did was even disrespectful to the Gods. They probably brought Atem here for a reason, and they nearly dropped him in front of Yugi’s feet.

Now he was gone, sleeping in the same house as the man who tried to kill them both so many years ago.

The one who he had been _so close_ to calling a friend, before they all shattered into lonely, blue pieces.

 _The one who showed interest in Atem, and nobody else._ And he was angry, _so angry,_ because he had tried to give Kaiba comfort when Atem had died. Everyone did, Mokuba did. _Mokuba._ But Kaiba had eyes for no one, he only waited for the impossible. _And it had happened._

Yugi wanted to hurt. He dug his nails into his other hand under his blanket, hiding his shameful display from Joey even though he was certain he wouldn’t be able to see anything through the dark.

He thought of things. Things he shouldn’t think of. Squeezed his eyes shut. Curled his toes.

He thought of them kissing on a sleek couch. He saw Atem’s fingers digging into Kaiba’s back.

_Stop._

He saw the motion of curling spines, the repeated motions. The couch was shifting in rhythm.

_“So is it true, then?”_

He heard the noises. He knew them.

“ _What?”_

He thought of what it felt like.

_“That there was another soul living inside of you, one that could speak with such confidence and clarity that even lies became the truth?”_

He thought of the party. The guest room.

_“You cannot lie well enough, can you? And in the end, you also cannot speak the truth, and you cannot speak in lies that could pass for it. So why do you talk at all?”_

The window, the bird that carried him through the city.

_“You’re not going to just fuck me and leave, are you?”_

The girl.

_“Yes, yes, I am. Have a good night, Yugi.”_

Her.

_Drop me,_

_Drop me,_

_I want to fly._

_I want to fly._

 

“Yugi, are you okay?” Joey’s voice.

“Yeah.” Yugi tried his hardest to keep his voice calm, clear. He didn’t know how long he had been playing in his memories.

Another sigh.

“Hey.” Joey’s voice was soft. “I worry about you sometimes, you know. A lot of people do.”

Yugi didn’t reply.

“Sit up for a second,” Joey said.

Yugi did as he was told, rubbed his eyes. He felt like he should be crying but was too tired.

He heard Joey get up and scoot himself up onto the couch, his weight pressing into a cushion. Yugi’s body slid to the left with the uneven surface.

They didn’t need to speak.

Joey wasn’t best with words, but that was okay. He knew exactly what to do.

Yugi sunk his head down into Joey’s lap, shuddered a sigh. Joey placed his hand on Yugi’s shoulder, kept it still.

All Yugi needed was the feeling; it distracted his ears from hearing the static.

The smell of rotting flesh and the forest still lingered in the room.

_Because he and Atem, they had breathed poison and decay into this house._

“Thank you for coming over,” Yugi was telling the truth, “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

_He really didn’t._

Joey laughed, a short and quiet noise in the room.

“You’d be fine, I’m sure of it.” A gentle pat on Yugi’s shoulder. “I’m nothing special,” Joey chuckled.

“But you are,” Yugi’s voice was a tired whisper.

And he fell asleep.

He dreamt of crying eyes. Birds. Static.

The girl.

_Another place._

Flying.

Atem. Skin.

Kaiba’s empty house,

The voices of two.

The rough cracking of bed frames falling apart, and headboards breaking walls.

 

* * *

  

Atem wasn’t sure how long he had been curled around Kaiba’s toilet, but he was certain he couldn’t stand, let alone lift his head any further than what was needed in order to vomit.

He heard soft steps. Kaiba.

He lifted body to sit upright, hands securely holding onto the toilet bowl so he didn’t topple backwards. The sudden motion made his head swim, bile rising in his throat. He leaned his face over the porcelain bowl again. _This is fucking stupid._

The door creaked open a bit wider. He could see slim legs in the corner of his eyesight. “Smells gross in here.”

“You’re gross,” Atem stuttered between spits. “I’m already embarrassed enough, mind fucking off for a bit with the sass?”

Kaiba frowned slightly. Stared at Atem. Swallowed nothing, throat tightening.

“I’m sorry,” Kaiba replied, setting a glass of water near one of Atem’s legs.

Atem finished his (hopefully last) episodic fit of throwing up and rested his arms on the toilet seat, hiding his face from Kaiba’s sight. The sound of water flushing down the toilet was the only noise in the empty house.

He shifted his rear, complained quietly when bare skin peeled off the tile, he was marked up and sore in so many places.

He had been sitting there for a while.

A pause.

“Why are you being so nice to me, anyways?”

Atem’s words were slurred with fatigue and there was the throbbing in his head from his weak alcohol tolerance.

“I know that you said that you get horny when you’re drunk and stuff, and that I captivate you and all that, but…” Atem’s body tensed. “I thought you hated me. That’s how it has always been with you.”

He gripped the side of the toilet harder when Kaiba never responded.

He wanted to cry, his lip trembled. Not sure if it was because of alcohol poisoning or because he was so fucking _upset._

“I…” Atem’s voice was a strained whisper, throat raw with acid. “Was this all fake?”

He couldn’t look at Kaiba.

He kept on speaking into the bowl. _Disgusting._

“Are you just sexually deprived, or do you just want to win whatever sadistic game you’re playing with me?”

He heard whispers from beneath him. Reminders of death, his home.

His anger felt like ecstasy, almost as good as Kaiba’s fingers laced against his throat _so perfectly._

Almost as good as hearing him laugh.

A sniffle from Kaiba’s direction stopped his questions.

Atem jerked his head up to look at the other man, quiet with fear, the shadows receded.

Kaiba was still standing, head turned away. His nose, his cheeks, his _eyes_ were red.

Atem couldn’t comprehend it; the sight of his eyes glistening. His lips were swollen from earlier in the night. There were tiny marks on his neck, his shoulder. Reminders. His chest was rising and falling too fast. _Anxiety._

He didn’t get it.

 

Kaiba looked like he was going to cry.

 

_Who the fuck was the person standing next to him?_

“…Kaiba?” Atem pressed through the quiet. His hands fell into his naked lap, gentle motions.

Time was slow.

“I don’t hate you.”

Atem stared at him. Still astounded, unsure of what to say.

“That’s… okay.”

Kaiba shifted his weight, leaned against the doorframe for a moment before settling onto the floor.

“I’m not just… doing this because we drank. I don’t think I could begin to explain how…” Kaiba’s jaw was set in place. His toes were curling inwards, outwards, tendons bulging. “How I am. How my mind is. _How fucked it is_.” Kaiba’s voice lowered to a whisper, the house was quiet. And Atem thought he could see every room from where he was sitting, how bare every room was. Lifeless, shades of monochrome. Furniture that satisfied the bare necessities, empty space. And he swore that the stable beams that created this house were Kaiba’s veins, that the entire infrastructure of this place was born from Kaiba’s heart. The sky was starting to lighten, it must have been early in the morning now. “After you left…” Kaiba shook his head. Sighed loudly.

“I can’t… I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain these things…”

It was Atem’s turn to say nothing. The house was closing in on them, the creaking of the floor, the silent ticking of clocks, _it was alive_.

“Atem, I…” His fingers snaked into his hair, grabbed handfuls of it.

 

Another deep sigh, this was the moment.

 

 

Ten seconds passed.

 

 

 

“I like you.”

 

A tear finally broke away from sleep deprived eyelids. His tone was shaken.

“I… I like you a lot.”

Before Atem could respond or let alone process his words, Kaiba’s legs clenched together, his hands tight with hair, spine curling in on itself. A crumpled mess of a person, a ball of curves and bones.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, _FUCK,_ what have I done?” Kaiba called out, his voice loud and hysteric. He rocked back and forth, head nearly hitting the wall on his rhythmic declines.

Atem crawled to him, because he couldn’t walk.

Touched shaking arms, because he couldn’t speak.

Cried with him, because he couldn’t pretend that his entire world had not been rebuilt from the dusty remains Yugi had left behind. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another weekly update, just wanted to say thank you so much for all the comments and support. It all really does mean a lot, and the little things can sometimes be the motivation to keep going.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

  

_Atem crawled to him, because he couldn’t walk._

_Touched shaking arms, because he couldn’t speak._

_Cried with him, because he couldn’t pretend that his entire world had not been rebuilt from the dusty remains Yugi had left behind._

Atem hugged him to keep him still, and eventually he was. He stared past his naked shoulder, combed Kaiba’s hair with his fingers. Chuckled quietly to himself.

“Damn Kaiba, since when did you have such soft hair?”

He felt Kaiba’s shoulders shake against him, knew he was trying to suppress a laugh from breaking through his broken state.

“…What?”            

Atem twirled his finger, wrapped a tiny little lock of hair around it.

“Seriously. It’s so soft.” He smiled. Separated tiny tangles. “And longer than I remember.”

Kaiba’s skin twitched when he felt breath against his neck, felt his lips smiling against him.

“I like it.”

_It reminds me of someone you look like, a body sculpted from the same marble_

Kaiba grinned.. “Thanks. Your hair is a wreck.”

Atem kissed his skin. “Whatever.” No response. He frowned. “Sorry if my breath-“

“You can stay longer,” Kaiba blurted. “You don’t have to leave.”

The smaller man leaned back, blinked. Looked at the shaken figure.

“But you said-“

“I know what I said,” Kaiba’s legs tensed together, he refused to make eye contact. “You never responded to… my, um…” his voice was quiet. “Confession.”

“Oh.” _Oops. Shit._

“I…” Suddenly everything seemed different… The air he breathed in was unsettling, just as shaken as his memories.

Another voice was in his head, it was his own.

_(I think I have feelings for you.)_

_(His words to Yugi.)_

He tried to forget. _Don’t ruin this._

“Today has been kind of… a lot. And not what I expected. I… I yelled at Yugi. A lot. He kind of…” He needed to be careful with his words. “Made a mistake. And I didn’t like it.”

And he swore he heard Kaiba's heart drop, thought the paint on the walls would start to drip down in such a melancholy way. And Kaiba didn’t look at him, and his skin felt cold.

“You wouldn’t have called me if you two didn’t fight.”

Atem gritted his teeth. Let Kaiba’s hair fall through his fingers.

“That… may be true.”

“Ah.”

“But I didn’t know how you felt. How you are. You never told me.” Atem played with his hair again. “I thought you hated me, remember?”

Kaiba laughed, but Atem knew he wasn’t happy. “True.”

“And…” Fingers untangled from that _ridiculously silky_ hair, settled on Kaiba’s back. Drew tiny circles.

An uncontrollable grin, inescapable feelings.

Atem realized he was _happy for once_ , he was confident.

“I like you too.”

He felt Kaiba’s hands lock around him, pulled him into his lap, lips spoke against unruly hair.

“Good.”

Suddenly, the house was smaller, warmer, it curled around them, curled around their interlocked bodies.

Kaiba nuzzled his forehead into the divot where Atem’s neck and shoulder met. Breathed onto his skin. Atem was suddenly aware of how naked _he_ was, how the only thing separating their bodies from joining was the thin sheet of clothes between them that Kaiba was wearing. He shifted, didn’t miss the tiny jolt of breath from the lips that were _so_ soft against him.

“I need to brush my teeth,” Atem said. “And probably bathe. I also don’t have any clothes.”

Kaiba’s fingers wandered, tracing tiny patterns into Atem’s sides.

“I have stuff for you to borrow.” A hand trailed down his thigh. “Plus, clothes are overrated.”

Atem snorted. “That’s rich, even coming from you. I’m the only naked one here.” He sighed contentedly, stopping Kaiba’s wandering hand with his own. He brushed his fingers over pale tendons, leaned into the body behind him.

Atem wiggled his shoulders, craned his neck to look up at the _too fucking tall_ brunette. “Carry me.”

Kaiba nipped his neck, laughed quietly.

“What am I, your taxi?”

“Yeah, that’s how I got here.”

“Pff,” Kaiba dismissed the sarcasm, fingers pinched a naked thigh. “Whatever.” He lifted Atem to his feet. Walked him to the sink where Atem held onto the marble counter with shaking legs, a weak figure.

Kaiba began shuffling items around in the bathroom drawer. The sounds of clashing plastic abruptly ended, Kaiba frozen in his movements, Atem didn’t miss how red his face suddenly was, how his eyes were wide and unfocused. Atem scooted over, shoulder touching Kaiba’s, fingers reaching for the drawer.

“What, did you find some porn in here or-“

“No.” Kaiba blurted, gently pushing Atem away. “Just… I don’t really have any spare toothbrushes. Well, one. But you can’t…” A loud sigh before he pulled a cheap unopened toothbrush from the drawer, the infamous Dark Magician printed on the front of it.  Kaiba’s eyes focused on anything that wasn’t Atem, and it was...

_Adorable._

“Don’t laugh,” Kaiba stuttered, “It’s the only… spare one I have. It just happened to be your stupid magician. It was the only one available at the store at the time, it was on sale.” Kaiba rifled through his brain for more excuses.

Atem’s lips curled into a smile of absolute endearment.

_Kaiba… really had missed him._

He bumped his shorter hips against slim legs, kissed the shoulder next to him.

“I’m not laughing,” Atem said as he took the package. “I just am, for lack of better words, flattered.”

Kaiba’s shoulders relaxed, his arm snaking around Atem’s waist. “Well, good,” words full of prideful arrogance. “Because there is also a Dark Magician 1/7th scale statue on a shelf in my room that I’m genuinely surprised you didn’t see already.” He brushed his fingers through Atem’s hair. “Shoulda hid all this shit before you came over.”

“Nah, it’s cute. It’s not like I’ve been trying to earn your friendship for for fuckin’ years. Kinda nice to think you missed me after…” _I died._ “...You know.”

He ripped the toothbrush from its package, admired it for a minute. _Thought of Mahad. Memories. Priest Seto, fire and screams. The forest clearing. Why had he came back at all… Don’t._  He shrugged off his questions, used the counter for support as he brushed the taste of acid out of his mouth. Kaiba turned once he saw Atem had enough stability and checked the digital time display on the wall next to the shower.

“Shit,” he laughed, fingers combing his bangs backwards. “It’s almost six in the morning. I have a meeting in three hours.” He turned to speak to the smaller man, swallowed dry air instead at the sight of him.

_Wow._

A slight trail of white foam was leaking from the side of his mouth from the mixture of toothpaste and saliva, watched his fingers move back and forward as he brushed his tongue that was protruding from his mouth. _That tongue had ran against his teeth, against his neck, felt the vibrations of his moans._ His arm was rested against the counter, the shoulder propped up. He could see all of the tiny hickies and fingernail shaped cuts he had left on him. How the bones in his spine created tiny mountains that flowed seamlessly into the small of his back, and _his ass, his legs…_ The room was dimly lit, but _fuck,_ how did he look so…

_Flawless._

His skin was a never ending motion, still water that drifted, an irregularity in the flow of death and life that seemed to be created by the _Gods themselves._ It was surreal, it almost _scared_ Kaiba. Gave him the feeling that all of this was too good to be true, that this was all some sick _fantasy_ that he created. He almost laughed, he had thought about creating something like this before, a _perfect_ hologram of him to quiet the longing in his heart. His stomach sank. _He was a shame, a disgrace that cared too much for a single person. A care that had rolled over and turned into a façade of hatred towards him. The biggest mistake he ever made._ But it took the parting of death for him to understand all that he had destroyed with his own hands, his own words.

He didn’t deserve this second chance, this offer of redemption.

“Kaiba, quit staring at my ass.”

He blinked, eyes immediately darting to his hands, anywhere that wasn't Atem. He felt guilty for keeping his questions in his thoughts, but he distrscted himself by staring at his fingernails. But, he felt bad when he saw the tiniest amount of dried blood under them. “Hey…” A loud swallow. “I didn’t… hurt you, did I?”

Atem leaned his body against the counter, his back arching with the motions, legs bent slightly. An innocent gesture to hold up his sloppy drunken body, but Kaiba _had_ to keep his eyes elsewhere. “Like… today?” Atem asked. “...Or at all? ‘Cause I don’t think I need to tell you that-“

“No, I mean…” Kaiba’s voice shrunk down to a tiny hesitant murmur. “Like, with… my hands. The um…” He bit the inside of his lip. He felt his face turn red, _hated_ it. “Like, the choking thing. And the… like the scratching. You know,” exhaled through his nose, tapped his foot against the floor. Embarrassed as all Hell. Kaiba sighed. “Shut up.”

Atem started giggling uncontrollably, his stomach vibrating with his body, tried to ignore how he drooled out toothpaste on accident. He cupped water in his hands, swished it in his mouth before spitting it out. “No, I…” paused to wipe his face on a navy blue towel that was _definitely_ only for decoration, the ‘KC’ logo was embroidered on it on the corner of it. _Ha._

“I kind of liked it, truthfully. Is that your kink or something? Got any whips and chains I should know about?”

He heard Kaiba spurt out, obviously a question that he had never been trained to answer. Atem knew that as exceptional of a businessman that Kaiba was, he was still so… socially inadequate in certain ways. “No,” Kaiba retorted a bit loudly, “Whatever, king of fuckin’ dog collars and chains. And leather.” A sniffle. “Seriously, you used to dress like a bondage… stripper.”

Atem bursted out in a loud fit of laughter, pausing when his body began to slide from the counter and slid to the floor with absolutely _no_ grace. “Okay,” he started between breathy chortles, “first of all, _Yugi_ had all of that shit far before I came along. I actually found it incredibly ...restricting and oh _Gods,_ the pants _._ Second of all, you wore belts on your arms as a fashion statement. Third, what the actual _fuck_ is a bondage stripper?” Atem paused before laughs turned to hysterics, “how the _FUCK_ can you strip if you’re tied up? Seems a bit,” a pause for air, “contradictory, don’t you think?” He heard Kaiba growl, his face was _so pissy looking._ Kaiba suddenly took to stumbling angrily towards the mess on the floor.

“Oh shit,” Atem chuckled in fake surprise, his body curling backwards as he tried to _roll_ away from the approaching attacker. Kaiba’s naked feet slapped loudly against the tiles as he approached the other man whose ass was nearly sticking straight up in the air in a mid-somersault with arms flailing for balance. Kaiba easily pushed him onto his side, Atem’s legs kicking in every direction, playful screams coming from the ball of drunken limbs. Atem struggled in the face of inevitable defeat as fingers wedged their way under his side and lifted him into the air. The taller man stumbled backwards as one of the detesting legs kicked the door frame of the bathroom entrance. “Calm the fuck down _Pharaoh_ , I’m going to drop you if you don’t stop freaking out.” But his voice was kind, Kaiba was laughing.

_That laugh._

It was enough of a payment for Atem to comply, _more precious than any material in the universe;_ he kept himself serene. Even _curled_ into the man holding him. The only shifts in motion now were his quiet snickers, the thumping of his heart. He nuzzled his cheek into Kaiba’s chest, loved how _soft_ his skin was. _Loved_ how his heart was beating as hard as his own. _Gods,_ he had felt so many things tonight. He understood _nothing_ of his purpose for returning, why Yugi found him.

If this was fate, now. Or on the contrary, if this was a sick _joke._

But for now, he was satisfied. He was complacent in the arms of his ex-rival, the one who had pushed him further away than anyone, yet had built _tournaments_ for him, and had been willing to give his _life_ for him in the past. But now, years later, everything seemed to make perfect sense, _he didn’t know how. He c_ ouldn’t explain, it just _did._


	18. Chapter 18

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_He couldn’t explain, it just did._

 

Kaiba set Atem down on the bed, walked over to the glass door, the balcony beyond it. The clouds casted beautiful hues of pink and blue, little signs of morning. He was feeling alive now, wanted to bring Atem outside and show him all of the paths outside that wound through tall trees. He wanted to show him everything, compare in his mind what it felt like to share the small motions of ordinary life with someone else. But _fuck,_ he was tired. His chest was light, the muscles in his cheeks forcing a contorted smile of disbelief and genuine contentedness. For the first time in years, Kaiba was _happy_ , and the unfamiliar feeling shocked his brain, confused him. He had _no_ idea what to do. He had never been so terrified of being overjoyed, acknowledging how his skin thinned.

He looked over the beautiful scenery from beyond the room, so fucking _glad_ that he wasn’t the only one who could enjoy the sight anymore. Trees layered each other in different palettes past the horizon, the cobblestone road was starting to shine in the morning light. Small birds sitting on the security gate. The tallest buildings in Domino were visible past the immense amount of forest that Kaiba had purchased to seclude himself. He turned his body to the side, made sure that Atem had a clear sight past the glass doors.

“Isn’t it pretty?” Kaiba’s voice was shaking.

Atem propped himself up with his elbows, looked over his shoulders as he curled forward to put soft grey shorts back on his body.

His face flushed at the brief memory of Kaiba’s mouth on them.

“The uh… outside?” _Stop thinking about mouths._ “Yeah. It is. I like the colors.”

Kaiba huffed before rotating his head to look at Atem. His lips were downturned into a small immature frown. “That’s it? This is a few million dollar view, by the way.” He crossed his arms, tapped his fingers on them. “I thought maybe you having the nicest balcony in all of Egypt in the past might make you appreciate it a little more than that.”

“No, I do. I’m sorry.” Atem scooted to the edge of the bed, let his feet touch the floor. Using the bed for support, he took wobbly steps to the balcony. He lost his footing a few times but once he was at Kaiba’s side, he held onto his arm. “I love it.” He looked past the glass, saw Domino.

His mind raced to places he wish it didn’t but the severed connection of golden threads were tight against his skull.

 _Yugi is probably getting up right now. That’s where Yugi is._ He forced his eyes shut, scolded himself internally. _Don’t._ He focused on the trees, the tiny dots that appeared to be birds. Even through the shut door, he could hear the sounds of morning, sounds of the world starting to turn again. Little chirps of different variants, robins. Sounds that told him he had made it through his first day of _living,_ the first day of his own life that wasn’t just a quest to _end it all so soon._

Atem slid his hand down gently, brushing against Kaiba’s wrist until it found his hand. He interlocked his fingers with Kaiba’s slowly, softly,

As if both of their bodies were made of puzzle pieces that weren’t meant to fit together, but, _damn it,_ he wanted them to.  He let his digits press against Kaiba’s knuckles gently, if he did it any harder he was worried that the pieces he had tried _so_ hard to form together in imperfect ways would come tumbling down onto the floor. And oh, it was too soon for that. Too soon for severed pieces, smoldering memories.

Atem knew that his pieces were made to form into someone else’s. But he would carve them into new shapes that just _had_ to work, imperfect to the ones he was designed to become one with, just right for the ones he created new patterns for. Just right, after years of sanding, and sanding, and sanding.

_He wanted to try._

And Kaiba’s hand squeezed back after a moment, lightly, thin paper, shaking. Atem wanted to speak, but his thoughts were cut off by the sudden chest wrenching sobs that shook Kaiba’s entire form, his head bowed towards the floor. Tears fell without restriction. He made no vocal cries, the sound of air choking out of his throat in short bursts was enough. He was biting his lip softly, eyes closed, tiny wet trails made lines on his cheeks that dripped onto the carpet.

Atem’s eyes locked onto Kaiba’s, head shaking, turning to him. “Kaiba, hey,” he brushed his thumb on his hand. Kaiba only cried harder. “Hey, what, what’s wrong?”

Kaiba turned his head away, but the orange glow from the sun illuminated the tiny drops of raw _emotional vulnerability_ that hung from his chin that fell only to be replaced by more trails, more tears. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I don’t know,” he repeated, laughing at himself this time. The smile didn’t leave.

He turned to face Atem, the orange and pink glows from beyond the door creating an absolutely _gorgeous_ palette of reds and peach, contrasted by the icy blue shine of his eyes that seemed to melt in the warmth of the colors that surrounded them. And there were tears _all over_ his face, his eyes were puffy and red. And fuck, _Kaiba was smiling so hard that it even hurt Atem’s cheeks._ And then he spoke in an incredulous, wavering tone between sobs and laughter.

“You make me so happy.”

Atem’s face contorted into an ugly, happy, absolutely adoring smile. He let go of Kaiba’s hand in place of wrapping his arms around him. “Good Gods, Kaiba. What am I going to do with you? Since did you become so sweet?” He felt Kaiba’s chin rest on the top of his head, hands returning smaller figure’s embrace.  

“I don’t know,” Kaiba replied, cries starting to fade into occasional sniffles. “It’s your fault.”

Atem chuckled into the brunette’s chest, cheeks pressed against thin skin. He felt Kaiba’s fingers drawing tiny patterns on his back. He listened to the sounds his body made when he took in breaths, when his heart beat, and the tiny gurgles his organs made. It was comforting. They  _were alive._ He felt a tiny shift in Kaiba’s jaw, felt the vibrations of his vocal chords more clearly than what he heard when Kaiba spoke.  His voice was hesitant, but somehow confident.

“Do you…” he swallowed nothing. “Do you want to sleep in my bed? Until I get up for my meeting?”

Atem flicked his side. “Sounds nice enough.” He grinned. “Better than sleeping outside like you first proposed, at least.”

Atem didn’t have to see Kaiba’s face to know that he was smiling, yelped when he felt fingers pinch his upper arm. “The fuck was that for?”

“For being a dork,” Kaiba replied happily, before lifting his head and untangling his arms and untying the blinds near the door, darkness covering the room. “I was never going to _actually_ let you sleep outside. I’d let you sleep in the poolroom before being _that_ cruel.”

The room was dark enough to sleep in. Lines of light trailed across the bed, cracks of sun seeping through the windows. Atem took steps towards the bed, uneven, hands reaching out for the support of sheets as soon as he walked close enough.  He began to yank the covers from their neatly tucked positions under the mattress, and they flew into the air.

Kaiba stared at him. Eyebrows raised.

“What are you doing?”

The covers were entirely pulled, a body curled in the middle of the disorder.  A foot stuck out from the mess of fabric.

“It’s fucking cold,” a muffled voice replied from the pile.

“It’s November, of course it’s cold.”

Fingers emerged, pulled down the covers. Atem poked his head out, an indescribable expression on his face. “I don’t know what day it is, let alone the month.”

Kaiba looked at the bathroom door. “Yeah, true. Sorry. It’s … It has been over two years, you know.”

Atem smiled. “Yeah. You’ll have a lot to share, I’m sure. You’re always getting your hands in something.”

The tone was playful, Kaiba closed his eyes. He wasn’t smiling. _If only he knew, but he never would, the things that have happened in these last two years._

_How everyone was drowning,_

_He and Yugi, the memorial, the text messages, broken dishes and disappointment_

“I’m getting us both water.”

A noise of affirmation was Atem’s only reply, the smaller man’s head resting against a pillow. His were eyes shut.

Kaiba brushed past the bathroom door, grabbing the glass that sat on the tiled floor. He filled it in the sink, brought a trashcan with him when he returned to the bedside.

Atem’s eyes were still shut. Blonde bangs strewn over everything. Loud breathing, the kind that’s only made during sleep.

“Atem?”

He heard saw his eyelids twitch. Nothing else moved.

“Mmmm?”

Kaiba huffed, “Open your eyes.”

And he did.

A ray from the cracked blinds behind them shone across his forehead, catching tiny pieces of hair in light. Maroon strands looked like fire. His eyes cracked open, half lidded. And _Gods,_ his irises were so red. It was unbelievable, and Kaiba was sure there wasn’t another person in the world, not now or ever, that had eyes as beautiful as his. They were so unnatural, but he thought it was okay because Atem was more than a human.

He liked this color, the color of deep roses. More so than in all the years he knew Atem, when they had met. Duelist Kingdom. Battle City. When he only saw violet.

Back when the puzzle was Atem’s body, and Yugi was his home.

And Kaiba wanted to kiss him, but not because he was feeling passionate. Not because he was horny. He chose to lean forward and press his lips into Atem’s because he was selfishly _spiteful_ . He wanted to press into him until the memories of the other body disappeared, because that body was _Yugi._ And Atem, he was alive in his own skin, with his own heart. Fingernails, eyelashes, collarbones and all.

Unhuman eyes shut again, lips moving lazily against Kaiba’s. Fingers wound into Atem’s hair, _Atem’s gorgeous hair, red, red red red,_ a thumb brushing against his ear. Kaiba pressed his tongue lightly on Atem’s lips, exhaling harshly. He knew they were both too tired to push things any further, but somehow, the comfort of sleep and the feeling of someone else, it poured hot water onto his bones and relaxed his mind. Atem shifted closer, breathing harder. A tiny noise that was muffled by Kaiba’s mouth.

Kaiba knew, he wanted to kiss him more, he wanted to unfold Atem from the blankets he was wrapped in. Pulling away sheets like flower petals, uncovering the glowing of his skin underneath.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of short, sorry.  
> Next week is the 20th chapter, though!   
> It sure has been a ride posting ...aaalmost every week since New Years.   
> Thanks for all the support, and comments are always appreciated and keep me running on high esteem.   
> Again, thank you.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

  

_Pulling away sheets like flower petals, uncovering the glowing of his skin underneath._

 

But, Kaiba pulled back.

He couldn’t allow himself to do anymore with such sad intentions, Atem didn’t deserve it, and he made him happy. Kaiba wanted them both to be happy; for Atem to stay.

Eyes opened again. They only connected with Kaiba’s briefly, drifting lower.

“What’s that?”

Kaiba looked down at himself, at his own hands. “What’s what?” he flatted.

“On your neck, on the side,” Atem slurred.

Kaiba stopped breathing, stepped away from Atem. He gripped his hands around his forearms.  His feet scooted closer together.  

 _Fuck._ _Not now. Not now._

Kaiba smiled. “You did that, idiot.”

_How could I be so fucking stupid?_

Atem’s eyebrows barely furrowed, looking at details. Kaiba wished the man would just sleep.

“But it looked…” he paused to yawn. “weird. Like a scar.”

Kaiba frowned. “You’re weird.” He bent down, handed him the glass. “Here’s your water. Drink the whole thing. There’s a trashcan next to you if you can’t make it to the bathroom. Don’t throw up in my bed please.” He got up. “Or on me.”

_He would have to tell him eventually. For now, thank God for alcohol._

Kaiba started walking towards the bathroom.

“I have scars too, you know,” Kaiba heard Atem say with a yawn.

Kaiba stopped. Frowned. Didn’t look behind him. “Not that I saw.”

Atem pulled the covers around himself again. “I do, there’s one on my leg from when I was 15, a stupid accident when I was sparring with…” _Seto._ “With, um. One of the priests that was around my age.”

Kaiba furrowed his brow, shrugged before opening the bathroom door. “Weird. I didn’t see anything,” he brushed his fingers through his hair. “Not that I was… I didn’t just like… stare at your legs. That sounds… creepy. I-“

“I get it, Kaiba,” Atem laughed, “you’ll stare at my ass but not my legs.”

And Kaiba was ready to change the topic. The unsettling nature of how flawless Atem looked earlier, leaning against the sink, the words Atem was saying now. He didn’t like it.

He went inside the bathroom and shut the door. Sighed. He was starting to get a headache, not sure if it was because of confusion, uneasiness, alcohol, or all three. _Water._ Kaiba took the lazy route, he didn’t feel too drunk anymore, knew he wouldn’t get sick or feel any worse. He drank water from the sink in the bathroom, called it good. Brushed his teeth. Stared at the toothbrush Atem used. How this all felt like some sort of unworldly, sexually charged sleepover sent from the Gods. Washed his face. Pissed. Stopped to look at the mirror once more. Cursed his own image.

_How did Atem not see it before?_

The images glared back at him.

He shut the bathroom door, saw Atem struggling through the dark to untangle from covers and look at his leg. But it was too dark to see anything, not even with the morning sun shining through the blinds in strings of gold. He eventually gave up, and flopped back down onto the bed, sighing in defeat against a pillow.

Kaiba grabbed his phone off of the floor in a far corner of the room, he had thrown it more than once. The battery was dead. After it had enough charge to power on, an alarm was set. He stared at it for a few minutes, the unopened texts. Watched the screen eventually dim, and shut itself off to save power.

He set it down, laid on his side, stretched his feet and stuck them into the little bit of sheets that were remaining on his side of the bed.

“I have to get up in two and a half hours,” Kaiba said as he dragged some of the covers off of Atem, and onto himself.

No answer from the slowly breathing form.

Kaiba laced his fingers through folds of cotton until he felt Atem’s sides, pressed his hands into them, fingers spread.

He heard a sharp inhale, and a half-assed attempt to scoot away.

“Your hands are freezing, asshole,” Atem whined; tone loud, consonants weak.

“I get up in two and a half hours,” Kaiba repeated, “and my meeting is at home. If… you need to go anywhere or need something, let me know. I’ll have someone take you. I shouldn’t be too long.”

“Okay.”

A pause.

“And if you…” He didn’t know how to phrase it, nor he did he want to. “Want to… go, just say so.”

Another yawn.                                                                                                                               

Atem scooted backwards, pressing his body against Kaiba’s, nuzzling his foot through slender legs behind him. Creating a mess of skin that was reminiscent to the bedspread on top of them.  He smiled softly, rolled his hips softly against the other one. He heard how Kaiba’s breath hitched, felt how his hands gripped him a little tighter. Kaiba responded simply, he kissed Atem’s neck softly, once, a shaky breath as his lips peeled away from his skin.

“I’ll stay for a while, I think.” Shifting of limbs. “If you let me. You’ve been kind. Plus…”

A few seconds of silence.

“I want to see how this plays out, Kaiba.”

“You and me?” Kaiba responded a bit quicker than he had intended.

Atem smiled. _What a nervous child._

“Yes,” he replied, lacing his fingers into Kaiba’s hands, resting them against his chest. “You and me.”

“Okay,” Kaiba chuckled quietly, “okay.”

He felt how his stomach filled with warmth, molten gold that formed against him. The tissue of his organs, every layer of muscle and skin were the folded flower petals that protected him from the gold spilling out and burning holes into the bed, through the carpet, down through the first floor and into the Earth.

And they didn’t speak again, not for hours. And,

And,

Atem slept for the first time in over three thousand years.

 

* * *

  

Yugi tried to sleep in, but the sunlight that filled his living room burned colors into his eyelids. It was unnatural, it had been overcast for weeks. He was convinced it was because of Atem. He had always reminded him of the sun. The God that embodied it. Joey had rolled back onto the floor at some point in the night, his body wrapped in a blanket that was previously folded in a wicker basket before Yugi went to sleep last night.

The house seemed empty still, even with the presence of someone else. Yugi laughed without humor. Thought about how it had still been two years since he had told Atem ‘good morning.’ He busied his thoughts by convincing himself that yesterday night didn’t happen, but it was pointless. It was too vivid, and the room still smelled like it was burning. His mind ached and his eyes were dry. His cellphone was on the floor next to half empty cups of tea.

Yugi rose up, poked Joey’s shoulder with his foot. He stirred, a sharp intake before turning to smile at Yugi. He looked tired.

“Good morning. How’re you feeling?”

Joey looked happy when he asked, but the question, his gestures, they were all careful and rigid. But Yugi didn’t blame him. How would _anyone_ know how to fix this? Yugi smiled, told him that he was okay. He knew he was lying, so did Joey, but they were both too exhausted to pick up the lingering anxieties of yesterday.

Joey got up before Yugi could and started rifling through cabinets in the kitchen for anything edible. There were leftovers, Yugi didn’t want them. He suggested from across the room a few places in town, Yugi didn’t want those either. He didn’t want anything. He didn’t want to get up.

He didn’t want to continue.

Atem had taken all of his energy to stand and used it to walk out of his life.

The house was stuffy, and everything looked gold. The sun was glaring at every space in the room, dragging shadows out of hiding. They all looked like spears. Yugi turned on the old ceiling lights, the gold faded away. He walked into the kitchen, leaned against the counter. Joey was boiling water for oatmeal that had been shoved into the back of a shelf a few months ago.

Yugi was looking at every application on his phone that wasn’t messaging or phone calls. He didn’t want to see. He should’ve been prepared when he saw the last call, the one from the night before. But, he still could have never been ready. _Kaiba’s name._ A call that lasted a minute and fifty three seconds. No texts. The only evidence that Atem was here at all was _that_ name. There was no other traces except for missing clothing and dirty dishes stacked in the sink. _It all felt so dirty and ugly._ And Yugi was angry for so many reasons. Kaiba had shut him out for _years,_ hated him. But he knew why.

His body was only a dull gateway to Atem.

After Atem died, Kaiba wanted nothing to do with him. But Yugi knew, he knew why he was so sad. Yet… he had still answered the call from Yugi’s phone.

Yugi hated him. He hated Atem. Hated the sun, hated himself.

He imagined what Kaiba’s house would look like if it burst into flames, he and Atem stumbling out the front door covered in ashes, struggling to pull their clothing back on. Yugi was smiling until he got angry that Atem’s voice sounded wrong in his head. He tried to think about his face next, but his eyes were wrong. A perfect figure with no discernible face.

He stopped his daydream from proceeding. _I don’t want these things, do I?_

A text message that Yugi wasn’t aware he had started typing burned into his vision, left tiny bits of text in the corners of his eyes.

**Did Atem make it okay?**

He frowned. Sent it before he could change his mind.

“You really need to go grocery shopping, Yugi.”

A bowl of oatmeal was set in front of him, fruit that had started to soften cut on top.

“We can go today and the arcade later, okay?”

Yugi nodded, and handed his phone to Joey.

He spoke then, quietly.

“I sent Kaiba a message asking if Atem made it there okay last night. I don’t want to read what he says if he replies, only that Atem is safe. Okay?”

Joey grabbed the phone, set it down as softly as he could. He didn’t want to make noise. Nothing was said, they ate in silence, and Yugi thought about dirty dishes and fires.

  



	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! 20th chapter.  
> Due to a convention, there is a high chance there will be no update next week. But I'm not sure yet.  
> Anyway, enjoy!

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

Events from the night before poured into Kaiba’s mind one scene at a time, little gestures and small words. He woke up before the alarm, turned it off so Atem could sleep with no disturbance. The room was touched with morning light, Atem was still, and Kaiba could only stare at his back. Tiny wisps of hair spread on the pillow. Small marks on his neck, untouched skin trailed below. The sheets were draped around him as if they were always meant to be this way, folded around Atem’s lower back like the finest linens. The bed ate up Atem’s presence like it was designed for him all along, and it looked so nice.

But, Kaiba almost wished that Atem wouldn’t wake up. He was scared.

They were both drinking last night, both were being irrational. Kaiba had said more than he wanted to, cried when he wanted to keep it inside. He let his barriers down, raw vulnerabilities exposed. What if Atem didn’t remember? He didn’t want him to. It was all so dangerous, now, how much Seto found himself enjoying seeing him asleep next to him. It could all end so soon.

_What if he wanted to return to Yugi?_

It could have been the drinks thinking for him, but Kaiba had felt truly happy for the first time in months. Years. And he was frightened he would find out it was all temporary, a momentary distraction that Atem used as an escape. So he took that moment, stared at the sleeping form in his bed. Who knows if anyone else would ever be in the same spot Atem was, if anybody else would ever set foot in this room besides himself ever again.

The house was brighter than usual, sunlight touching every corner of the spacious hallways, long shadows that looked like columns that the grand staircase created. A carton of orange juice still sat on the counter, shot glasses. Tiny spills. Kaiba stared at the wall he had braced Atem against. The handle on the fridge, Atem had leaned on it for dear life when he messed up taking that shot of vodka. _Dork._ Kaiba dumped the orange juice down the sink, eyed the light switch that had started everything. His knees still kind of hurt from when Atem had rammed into them. _Dork, we were both such idiots._ He made coffee and toast.

The office suddenly seemed less inviting. It was the only place he felt significant in for a year, speaking to faceless voices. Ensuring the future that he had no plans for. The sound of tiny mechanics in the computer whirring to life were suddenly far less interesting, this room embodied the game that he didn’t want to play anymore. His interests now were elsewhere, the person in his bed upstairs. And he hated that it only took one day to convince him.

He frowned, sipped coffee. Hoped that Atem drank enough water, he forgot to check. Wondered if he would wake up in the same place and the same way tomorrow.

Kaiba logged into the meeting. Started addressing objectives, the daily routine. He was happy his words were so rehearsed because his mind was elsewhere.

_Why was Atem living once more? What was the reason?_

The members in the meeting began discussing among themselves, Kaiba sat with his eyes trained on his keyboard until he felt the need to speak. The phone vibrated on the desk, nearly jolting the toast from Kaiba’s hands. He rarely got text messages unless they were urgent.

He picked it up, stared at it. An unopened text, but the words were still previewed on the lock screen.

He decided that he wanted to throw his phone, log out of the meeting. Take a shower, and spend money on something. Tell Atem that the world was ending.

He looked at the message again.

 

Yugi Muto 9:34 AM

**Did Atem make it okay?**

 

He hated Yugi. He hated that he was nice, that he cared. He pushed him out of his life because he was _terrifying_. Yugi only gave to others, and fate gave him gifts. They gave him Atem. Connections. Laughter. He was beaming with energy and light, and Kaiba knew he never stood a chance against him. Yugi had everything that Kaiba wanted, no amount of money would buy such things.

“Fuck,” Seto whispered, fingers interlacing, forehead resting against them.  Thumbs rubbing circles on his temples. He was very aware that Atem could leave whenever he wanted. The change in Kaiba’s life that he longed for but never knew was possible, could end at an instant.

_His life would become a flat line once more, still and silent until his death._

The coffee was gone, so was the sun. The morning was no longer bright with the idea of something new, it was overcast. And he could only think of the sun after it had gone, angry that it was only visible to the clouds. He heard his name, mind wandering back into daily routines. He shifted papers, addressed questions. And _Gods_ he was so good at this, so good at speaking to strangers he didn’t care about.

He eyed the cellphone, thought of everything but the words that he spoke into the headset. He opened Yugi’s message. Saw texts from weeks, _months_ before.

 

Yugi Muto 9:34 AM

**Did Atem make it okay?**

 

Yugi Muto 4:23 PM

**Hey, can we talk?**

 

Yugi Muto 11:58 AM

**I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I**

**want you to know I’m still here for you.**

**We all are.**

 

Yugi Muto 6:34 PM

**We’re all going out for that summer festival**

**in the next town over. The one with the giant**

**fireworks and they’re having a small chess**

**tournament. Let me know if you want to go!**

 

Yugi Muto 4:30 PM

**I know you are away for a business trip,**

**but everyone misses you. I’m still sorry.**

 

Yugi Muto 12:07 PM

**Hey. I know you don’t want to talk,**

**but I really need to get this all figured**

**out. Please. I really care about you.**

**You’re… one of the few people who I**

**feel comfort around. I know you**

**miss him too.**

 

Yugi Muto 11:34 PM

**I know you don’t like texting, but at least**

**answer my calls. I know you’re upset but**

**you are not the only one. But treating me**

**and everyone else how you did was highly**

**unnecessary. I know things have been rough**

**since Mokuba left, but that’s why I’ve been**

**trying so hard to reach out to you. You**

**shouldn’t isolate yourself like this,**

**It’s going to destroy you.**

Yugi Muto 11:04 PM

**I’m sorry if tonight was a waste of your time.**

 

Yugi Muto 1:23 PM

**Alright, see you soon!**

 

Yugi Muto 1:20 PM

**Yeah, the plaza.**

 

Yugi Muto 1:17 PM

**Everyone is here! Thank you for coming.**

**It would mean a lot to him. It means a lot to**

**me too. Seriously, thank you Kaiba.**

 

Yugi Muto 1:03 PM

**Hey! Heads up. I’m gonna call, it’s about Atem’s**

**birthday. Just in case you’re doing business**

**stuff.**

 

Yugi Muto 5:30 PM

**Alright, I’ll talk to you about it with details**

**soon!**

 

Yugi Muto 5:23

**Hey! We’re doing a small birthday party for**

**Atem in a few weeks. I haven’t seen you**

**in a while, thought you might want to come.**

**We’re gonna have all sorts of games out,**

**Duel Monsters and some others, and I even got**

**a chess set, although you probably have a**

**nicer one, haha. It’s been almost two years,**

**hasn’t it? It feels like a lot longer doesn’t it?**

**I miss him. Miss you too. So just let me know**

**if you want to go, okay?**

 

Seto was angry. Mad at himself. He knew he was an asshole, but he couldn’t help it. He stopped reading, skipped over his own minimal replies because they were _so_ terrible and thoughtless. He wanted to tell himself that Yugi was being annoying for caring too much. But he knew Yugi was only trying to provide him with what he had lacked for years, something so desperately needed to be happy. But being happy was _so hard,_ so easy.

He decided to text back for the first time in months.

**He made it okay.**

He bit his lip. _Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

He kept typing, hands shaking from the caffeine. Kept speaking into his headset, talked about projections, deadlines for the New Year. A new Duel Disk design he had started to work on.

**I don’t know what happened between you**

**two, but thank you for finding him.**

He felt sick by his own kind words. So out of place, he wanted to vomit. He thought of the person upstairs again, the one that had destroyed the law of cycles and ended up in his bed.

He wanted more coffee.

For the first time in months, he was tired.

 

* * *

 

Yugi stood in his room, and _Gods_ it felt like it didn't belong to him. He wondered how different things would be if he had just let Atem sleep in his bed.

Wondered if they would've slept in, if they would've kissed again.

Wondered if he would've regretted it the second time.

He felt fabric between his fingers, delved in every article of clothing that was hung neatly in his closet. Laughed to himself.

Talked to himself.

“You wouldn't have needed to buy clothing…” He smiled. But he hurt. “All of mine would've fit you perfectly.”

He held up the arm of a loose knit sweater, dug his fingers into it. Held it over his mouth, breathed into it.

He started to cry again.

He thought of how nice the sweater would look on _him_.

Thought of memories that didn't exist, he knew they never would.

 

He thought of the ocean. He saw Atem sitting there, saw himself beside him.

But his own face was distorted, he didn't know if there was a head there at all. But Atem, Atem was okay.

_He only saw himself in others, but he could never understand who the fuck he truly was._

He thought of warm air, burning sand. Pretended it wasn't cold.

And they weren't kissing, they weren't holding hands. But their shoulders were touching and the ocean was quiet. Atem's eyes were shining. Yugi thought of looking away, Atem’s body was _too damn bright._ It sent shivers through his arms and constricted his windpipe.

It felt like Yugi was dying in the most beautiful of ways, the sort of release that existed, but was undeserving by any human.

Atem shifted, his foot touching Yugi’s.

“It's a gorgeous day, isn't it?”

Yugi turned to look at him. Positive words were such a rarity. “...What?”

Atem wrapped his arm around Yugi’s shoulder. There were birds picking at sand.

“I know how much you love to live with your head in dark clouds, but today it's gorgeous,” Atem spoke. “It's beautiful.”

Yugi smiled.

But he wasn't sitting next to Atem, and Atem wasn't playing out stories in his mind. But for the first time, there was warmth in his thoughts. It shone in places that had been dark and null for so long he had forgotten they existed.

“Hey, Yugi! We're going to miss the 10 o’ clock train if you don't hurry up! I’m not driving downtown, _oh no_ , I refuse.”

It was Joey's voice from outside his room.

“Right,” Yugi replied. He wore bright colors. Brushed his hair, wanted to be happy in his own skin, and _fuck_ he wanted to try. He would, and eventually he would be ready. “Right.”

He took a last look at his sketchbook that had been sitting on his bed. He wondered how the drawings would compare to how Atem looked now, if his memories had altered his image over the years.

He glanced at the small golden box on his bookshelf. It had its own space, placed with care. In it was the deck he had used during the ceremonial duel.

He had made other ones since then, but he had put this one to rest.

It was as close to a gravestone as he could get.

_And now he wasn’t dead, and he had left._

They had both been so nervous with the allure of something new, and it destroyed them.

Someday, he would fix it.

Make a new body out of the pile of bones that remained between them.

He shut the door to his room, eyes immediately locking on Joey’s expensive sneakers. He knew his face was red from crying. He didn’t want to hear Joey question it. He felt Joey place his phone in his hands instead, an open text message glaring back at him through his curtain of wavy bangs.

 

Seto Kaiba 9:52 AM

**He made it okay.**

**I don’t know what happened between you**

**two, but thank you for finding him.**

 

The phone remained where it sat in Yugi’s hands, Joey was respectfully quiet until Yugi was ready to speak. He stuck his hands in his pockets, bit his lip, took his hands back out of his pockets again to speak to Yugi and-

Yugi was crying, loud sobs shaking his shoulders.

Joey didn’t say anything. _How could he?_  

He hugged Yugi instead, wrapped his arms around him and patted his back softly. He thought about how much had changed since the blurred drift of days where Yugi had the puzzle, what Atem’s mannerisms were like when he acted through his skin. He always would love Atem, and would remain his friend.

But when he died, he took part of Yugi with him. This time, now that he was _so close,_ it was as if he had violently ripped part of Yugi’s existence that left terrible scars. Even if Atem came back today, next week, whenever he did, there would still be an unfixable blistering mess in Yugi’s soul. That is what Joey saw, and he, as much as he loved him, hated Atem for being the best and absolute worst thing to ever happen to his best friend.

Yugi was fated to remain drifting between contentedness and the longing to be untied to anything,

To anyone.

But _fuck,_ the feeling of belonging was bliss, and it was part of him.

And that is why Yugi would always be stressed, and he would continue to bite his nails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The text messages are arranged so the top is the most recent one, with the bottom ones being the oldest, in case there is any confusion.  
> Thank you, as always, for every ounce of support.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter this week.  
> A few warnings:  
> Minor mentions of past abuse, specifically relating to Gozaburo. 
> 
> Other than that, enjoy. It's a bit of a doozy.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

* * *

  

Kaiba knew he had become a shitty CEO, the ambition and drive he had in years previous was gone. Maybe it was when he decided to promote intelligent workers to do most of his thinking for him (he could afford to pay anyone), maybe it was when Mokuba left. Maybe it was during the birthday party, when he had screamed verbal cuts and damages to all of Yugi’s friends. He stared at the papers on his desk, counted numbers.

To him, calculations were as entertaining as watching television, the feeling of structural creation through his own mind and methods always drove the fire in his chest. It was dim and unentertained nowadays, but still there.

He rubbed at his eyes, kept on checking the clock.

_Ten more minutes._

He scratched his cheek, lifted his knee from under the desk. There was a tiny bruise from when Atem knocked him over with his stupid light shenanigans. He looked down further, more discolored skin that carried scars from buried memories.

He should have known better. He rarely went outside these days, so he didn’t bother wearing anything that could formidably cover his past. _Maybe…_ maybe when Atem woke up he would forget he saw anything, he was tired after all. The memories burned into his skin had stretched and faded, there was only the faint suggestion that there was anything there at all. Maybe there was nothing now but Kaiba could still see it, still feel it. And he wished he was blind.

He lifted his wrist, let his fingers curl naturally. Frowned at the shape of the skin that wrapped itself around his damaged self.

 _His forearms._  

He hated them, he always hated them. Ever since _then,_ he had never worn a shirt that didn’t reach to his wrist. An ugly brace always existed under his expensive fabrics. He had only taken them off recently, but he knew that they had probably fully healed years ago. But he was scared, _so scared_ that if he took them off, his arms would simply break in half, _too_ disgusting and broken. Now, there were only the remnants of surgical scars, and the slight curves in unnatural places. Gozoburo had hurt him, and it only got worse leading to his death, as if leaving these marks would be the only proof that Gozoburo existed at all after Kaiba had destroyed his corporation.

He heard  his name. Not his own. _His_ , through the headset. He had been called Kaiba for years, lived on in that name, through him, he would _always exist._

He didn’t want to be called that anymore.

“ _Kaiba sir? We are ready to close up the meeting.”_

Kaiba.

He closed his eyes, readjusted the headset so the microphone was near his mouth again.

_Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba. Kaiba._

_Gozoburo Kaiba._

_Seto. Mokuba._

_Kaiba._

He shifted in his seat, “Sorry I was finalizing some contract agreements on my end, everything sounds good for this week. I’ll be looking over the applications and narrow down our endorsement possibilities to three. Thank you, you’re all dismissed. Have a good day.”

He signed off, stared at the monitor but at nothing in particular. He wasn’t even sure if he had talked about the correct subject at the end of the call. He rubbed at his eyes. _Yeah, fuck. They finalized the endorsement possibilities an hour ago._ Good thing he couldn’t be fired himself.

His hands fell from his face, one grabbing the empty coffee mug. That’s right. _Atem._ Now that they were both sober, he didn’t…

He didn’t know if last night was real.

It was going to be difficult, he admired his drunken self for being so confident. Sober, he felt like an aggressive, arrogant coward.

He closed his eyes. _I’m not losing another person._

He frowned, replayed that scene in his mind again.

_I’m sorry… I give up. You’re… you need help._

_Bye… Seto._

He never heard that name again. Not since, never aloud unless the other name was attached.

But he didn’t want it to die at that airport, and _Gods_ he didn’t want to be alone. He had pushed and shoved his life into an ugly abyss that he never wanted, he was insistent on driving himself into what he always hated, every norm that came with carrying that man’s last name.

He left the office, dirty dishes in his hands.

 

* * *

 

_Cold winter nights were harsh, but he loved the feeling of snow and of frigid air, how the flakes would fall like feathers. But he didn’t learn this love on his own, it was because of him._

_He, the beacon, was accustomed to sun, to sand, to blisters and cracks that covered skin like infections. Yugi loved to watch his fascination. How the blue Christmas lights in the trees lit up in and reflected in his red irises, colors that crashed harmoniously. Atem had rode his bike to Yugi’s campus, only because he wanted to see him home safely, he had seen a blizzard warning on the discolored television set._

_Atem had only just returned about a week ago, and the two had spent the entirety of it together. Making up for lost time, irreplaceable years that they both wished they could have spent together. But Atem was far away. In his other home, the sanctuary that was supposed to be untouchable by man until it was time. It was the last feeling. The last journey before bliss, separation of mind and memories into a current of serene white and shining rays that flowed infinitely, eternally._

_The lighthouse at the edge of existence._

_Atem had broken this rule.He ran against the current. Yelled at the Gods. Cried at them. Begged them. Begged for more time._

_They felt pity, they made the exception. But they had predicted the request._

_Only this once, they said._

_And they said it, so it was the truth._

_A few more years of life was a barely distinguishable span of time against the infinite flow of the white._

_And so Yugi found him there, in the middle of the forest clearing. He was naked, covered in a sheet of frost._

_He brought him home, and they lived. They lived together, content in the small satisfactions of life. Unbrushed hair in the morning, the silent prayers at Solomon’s gravestone, the flowers they brought there. Warm udon downtown. The teahouse. Teaching Atem about the upcoming holiday season. Falling asleep watching TV. When Atem started crying for no reason. When he was scared of the dark. Hot chocolate. The puzzle. Drives far from home, where the stars didn’t conceal themselves from urban development._

_And it brought them here, outside the campus._

_Yugi saw him there, his bike leaned against a drinking fountain that hadn’t worked in years. He was warming his hands. Trying to. Shaking. Waiting._

_Yugi felt the ground crunch from underneath him, blankets of white flattening down into ice._

_“Atem? Atem!” He shoved his way through the Winter. “What are you doing here? It’s freezing!”_

_Atem’s cheeks were rosy from the sting of the cold, barely visible through the overcast sky, the sun had just set. “W-well, there was a b-blizzard warning. I wan-wanted to make sure you made it h… home.”_

_Yugi was worried, but he smiled. Old habits die hard. His stomach turned at his thoughts. He walked up to him, he who was a parallel of himself. They were similar in so many ways, yet they were also indescribably different. But together it was like they formed the perfect entity, as if their flaws and strengths were meant to differ, forming together like puzzle pieces, smooth, flawless._

_Yugi unraveled his scarf from around his neck, and coiled it around the neck of the other one. He could tell how hard Atem had tried to stop shaking as soon as Yugi walked up. No weakness._ _Lies._

_“C’mon, let’s hurry.”_

_“O-Okay, partner.” He, the beacon, the parallel, grabbed the bike and started to clear a path through the white._

_Yugi was starting to feel the cold, the stinging on his nose, and the breaths of ice that bit at his cheeks._

_“Wait, wait, I’ve got an idea.”_

_Atem paused his work. Clarity through the still waves of disorder. He turned his head backwards slightly, not quite enough for eye contact._

_“Hm?”_

_Yugi’s teeth started to chatter. “L-lets leave the bike here. We can grab it tomorrow when it’s not so cold.”_

_“Okay.” A smile. Yugi burned it into his mind, added another star into the constellation that he had created in his soul. For himself. For the beacon. It looked like the construction of a new observatory, the birth of a new galaxy._

_And so, they left the bike there._

_And they started to walk home, past the white. It was cold._

_They were both over thinking, the silence filling the air with words not yet spoken._

_Thinking about the future. Who they were, to each other, their fates._

_They walked through the snow._

_Atem looked at Yugi through ash blonde bangs. He made sure Yugi was looking forward._

_Yugi’s eyes turned towards his._

_Red eyes looked away quickly._

_Yugi’s eyes looked forward._

_Atem looked at Yugi’s hand, next to his, separated. Untouching._

_Thought of change._

_Irreversible choices._

_He saw his own hand, Yugi began to speak. It was music, the soft way he formed his consonants. He stared at his palm, kept on walking. Everything was normal,_

_His hands had no creases, his palms held no lines, fingers with no prints._

_But everything was normal._

_He looked closer, turned his hand. Looked for pores, found none. Atem’s skin looked like smooth paint, blurred colors with no texture but everything was normal. He turned his head, looked at Yugi. Saw an acne scar on his cheek, little marks where he had dug his short nails._

_Yugi stopped, looked at him._

_The smile in his eyes, his face, it all left. Eyes like a child that knew nothing of the world._

_And he could hear Yugi clearly now, heard him like he had spoken into his ear, a handful of millimeters away._

_“Who are you?”_

_Atem shook his head faintly, it was such a small gesture._

_“Yugi, don’t be silly, you-“_

_Suddenly Yugi was flush against him, the white of the snow expanded around them until there was nothing but white, white for miles and miles. He smelled candles in the infinite. Their clothes were gone, they wore no shoes, no jewelry, only their skin. He saw all of Yugi’s scars in the light, all the times he was nervous. All those times his brain hurt him, so he damaged his own flesh._

_Yugi’s soft, so soft hand was on his cheek now,_

_But he couldn’t feel it._

_“Who are you?” Yugi asked again._

_“I’m… I’m,” Atem tried, but the white, the white was filling his lungs, the candles smelled so strongly of nothing, it burned him, oh it burned, its desolate presence hurt,_

_And Yugi smiled, and oh Gods he was beautiful, but Atem was screaming. Yugi was pressed so firmly against him, lightly brushing his hands against Atem’s body like it was an object that once had meaning, a meaningless thing now that hadn’t been dusted in years._

_And Atem saw his own skin disappear, it felt like peeling wax, reminded him of when he was a child. When his father was attending to stacks of papers, and he sat on the floor of his golden home. His father had scolded him then because he was dipping his fingers in candlewax. But he loved the feeling, the wax smoothed over his fingertips like new skin, new skin without indents, without traces. His father watched him peel it away when it had hardened, watched him until Atem had his fingerprints again. He grabbed Atem’s hand softly, led him out of the darkness of their study. And it was normal, Atem wanted to keep it, this memory._

_But he was suddenly fearful, the dimly lit streets outside casted thick shadows through small windows._

_And he missed his father._

_Atem couldn’t feel his hand, everything felt like wax. It felt like nothing. And his father wasn’t looking at him._

_It was snowing outside, he heard morning songbirds outside their palace, there was snow mixing with sand. Tall candles lit every wall, brand new. They went on infinitely, but the flames swayed in synchronized dances. The wax dripped in the same places, at the same times. A mirrored image that never ended._

_But they were upside down, and the wax was melting, creating tiny dots on the floor. It looked like snow._

_“Father!”_

_He missed his father._

_He shook the larger calloused hands that held his, wanted his father to look at him. But when he moved so slightly, his fingers were suddenly reaching into hot liquid, smoldering thickness. He screamed, pulled his hand away. There was nothing but a melted mess that was the same color as his skin, but there was no flesh. No muscle, no bone when he looked at his arm that was now missing a hand. Just the same dull color._

_It was snowing in the palace, snowing between him and his father. It was cold, too cold, his arm stung, the liquid cooled, became soft, smooth stone that moved so freely._

_“Father, father, I,”_

_And then he knew. He knew._

_“Father I’m sorry I left you, I’m sorry I left, but you want me to be happy, right? The nothingness, you want more for me, right?”_

_Atem was crying._

_His father wasn’t moving. Nothing was, except for the snow that was peeling the smooth plastic from his body._

_“Father, I’m so sorry, please, please tell me you love me, because Gods I love you so much, I miss you, please, please,”_

_And he kept on crying, loud sobs. The only warmth he felt was that on his cheeks, because Gods the tears, he couldn’t stop them,_

_“Did I make a mistake father?” He shouted over the snow._

_No response, only the void in his ears._

_Softer now, a broken whisper. “Father, did I make a mistake?”_

_And his father looked then, but only his with his eyes, everything so solemn_

_Such little care, such harsh words that echoed in Atem’s broken skull,_

_“Who are you?”_

_And Atem couldn’t try anymore, couldn’t hold himself up, the shadows the candles casted,_

_(the candles, they were everywhere, a mirrored image that repeated infinitely)_

_The shadows dug into his soft legs, grabbed his ankles with their disgusting fingers full of truth and yanked his screaming body downwards,_

_And oh, oh Gods he was falling, he was screaming, it felt like he was falling from the sky, ready to die, oh Gods he didn’t want to die_

And Atem hit the soft carpet of Kaiba’s floor with a loud thud, blankets tangled in his legs, he was sweating, screaming, He couldn’t see. He just kept on screaming into the dark. He heard the bed shift from above him, another thud next to his body, thin fingers on his burning shoulder.

“Atem! Holy fuck, Atem, wake up!”

It was Kaiba.

He stopped screaming, but he was still heaving. He was cold, he felt wet and disgusting, he was shaking.

“Atem! Atem, hey!” And then the fingers left, he heard cursing in the distance as the weight next to him disappeared, air cooling his wet skin, irritating when it touched his cheeks. Remnants of tears.

He could see again, just barely, enough to see Kaiba’s feet, patterns on his socks flying to and fro, stomping on the carpet, pacing frantically back and forth. He reached out towards the motion, the wind was so cool, _it felt like winter,_

And Kaiba’s feet stopped moving, and suddenly his knees were so close as he crouched next to him. Hands on his shoulders again.

“Are you okay?”

And Atem had never seen Kaiba look so frightened, it looked at home with the bags under his eyes.

Atem tried to speak now, but it hurt. He had a headache, his heart felt wrong. He was uncomfortable when he singled out the feeling of the floor against his legs. He wanted to say he was okay, he really did, but his mouth wouldn’t form the right things. And he was crying still, but he didn’t know why. He wasn’t sad. Just heightened, thrilled and frightened, afraid of whatever place he fell from.

He felt Kaiba’s hands lift his chest upright so his back was leaned against the side of the bed. He watched Kaiba try and help him while he helped himself, his heaves for air becoming small gasps. And then Kaiba looked at him, confused and childish. Atem understood. He saw how Kaiba’s form had gotten close to his own, how he had wanted to grab onto Atem’s arm with comfort. Kaiba’s lips moved slightly, he wanted to say something. But last night, _mere hours before_ , it felt like a different time, a different existence. More tears and truth spilled in the barren house than the vodka.

But something had remained after the liquor had passed.

Kaiba still cared afterall, he was still _so human._ And somehow, Atem knew that Kaiba would never return to his previous state that he had grown accustomed to for years. Not towards him, anyways. He had exposed all of his soft flesh with no skin to protect it, _only to him_ , and the gestures could not be undone, what was seen could never be unseen.

But it was okay, because he realized how safe he felt.

Because it felt like Kaiba had caught him before he fell into the cold.


	22. Chapter 22

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

* * *

 

_But it was okay, because he realized how safe he felt._

_Because it felt like Kaiba had caught him before he fell into the cold._

 

As Atem’s breathing slowed, he remembered his own skin. His skin, everything eyes had seen. Kaiba. With his nails, his teeth, _his mouth_ , he had, _Seto Kaiba, his rival..._

He was suddenly serious, still breathing heavy but staring holes back into Kaiba’s tired, worried face. “Kaiba…” He spoke, but it was hard. _It was so hard._

“Yeah. It’s me,” Seto was rambling, “Do you know how late it is? It’s almost one in the afternoon. I was pretty damn sure you weren’t going to wake up, I almost assumed you were dead, _again_ , but you started screaming, you started fucking _screaming,_ and I tried to wake you up but you launched off the bed, and,” Kaiba couldn’t breathe faster than he was talking, “And I was, my Gods what’s wrong with you? Was it a nightmare, or? Do you need anything, I can call-“

“ _Kaiba_ ,” Atem flatted with enough voice and body to silence the other one. “I’m okay. It was just a nightmare.”

Kaiba laughed without humor, a hand flailing from his lap, and Atem knew he was worried, knew he was being sarcastic and unkind because he was _worried._ “Just a nightmare,” Kaiba said, “ _Just_ a nightmare. That… I’ve seen, I’ve seen …I’ve seen Mokuba have nightmares. But, that was something… fuck,” Kaiba was running his hands through his hair now, a mess of soft, fingers combing through over and over. “Do you at least remember anything? If, if you don’t want to share, whatever, but do you remember anything?”

Atem was finally silent. _Oh, oh yes he did, he could see it all, he could see it all,_ he put his hand on Kaiba’s arm, soft reassurance, _oh, his father, how it snowed between them,_ and he smiled, his thumb lightly stroking soft skin, _Yugi, Yugi erased his skin, Yugi, there, against him, he felt it all,_

And he spoke.

 

“I don’t remember.”

 

And Atem felt bad for telling lies.

Kaiba kept on looking at his arm, where Atem’s hand was, and back to his face. “Positively?”

Atem was telling lies.

He smiled.

“Positive.”

Atem had lied to Kaiba.

He thought of Yugi, how Kaiba’s face would look if he told him about the dream, the bond he and Yugi shared, the school, his skin, _his skin,_

And Kaiba exhaled slowly, shut his eyes. Patted Atem’s leg softly. “Okay.”

And Atem could see his hesitance, _it was like this all over again, what was acceptable, what was okay, how far they could touch._

But he wanted it differently. And he knew, he knew Kaiba did too. “You know,” Atem spoke, fingers soft and moving against Kaiba’s skin, “You don’t… you don’t have to be afraid to touch me or say things. You said that… you said this wasn’t a game. That you like me, you know… All of that?”

Kaiba frowned at him, looked at something else. Flexed his toes into the carpet. “Yeah. I guess.”

“And I told you before we slept, I wanted to see this through.”

“Yeah.”

Atem paused, wanting to confirm the words he would speak with the thoughts in his head. “I was serious.” And for some reason, Yugi’s face still lingered in his head. How he looked when it was night, when his hair was stuck to his mouth, when his face was pressed against glass as Atem sat in the taxi. Yugi’s noises on the floor. Yugi’s face when he found him, how uncomfortable the leaves felt under his skin.

And then he looked at Kaiba.

At his eyes, _oh they were such a vivid blue._ His neck, covered with soft hair that curtained marks Atem had left hours ago, when Kaiba was above him on his bed. He thought of the sunrise, how Kaiba cried. When he kissed him on the counter. When Kaiba pressed his back into the wall. His stupid doorbell. _His mouth._ Kaiba’s rocking spine on the bathroom tiles, how his head was in his hands, how his head almost hit the wall each time he rolled back.

And he thought of the sunrise again, how the colors looked.

 

And he stopped thinking of Yugi.

 

_You make me so happy._

 

Atem smiled.  “I… I was serious.”

And Kaiba smiled then, and Atem’s heart filled with the warmth that he felt when Kaiba cried, when he had said he made him so happy, when he smiled. When he heard him laugh for the first time. The taller man leaned forward, curled his spine so his forehead was pressed against Atem’s slightly damp one. And he smiled. And Atem swore he was shaking. He saw arms moving from the corners of his vision. Seto’s hands wrapped softly around his shoulders.

“Okay…” A small laugh. _Warmth_. “Okay.”

_Okay._

_Everything was okay._

And he wanted it to be true, so he connected the shaking breaths between them. The sun touched them both, and lips touched second. And Atem forgot how soft Kaiba’s lips were. He smelled of coffee and just himself. Kaiba’s shoulders relaxed, and the doubts they had were exhaled between them. The room was no longer cold with nightmares, but warm with the bond they had created in such a short amount of time.

Kaiba’s hand was on his waist, spine twisted, turning to face Atem as his lips pressed against his with more meaning.

It was funny, how lips could form words without speaking.

Because they both heard unspoken assurances,

_I’m glad you’re awake,_

_I’m glad you’re here,_

_Let’s tear the sheets from the bed and make our own,_

_This is where I want to be,_

_Your lips move because your soul wills it so,_

_And your soul is where I want to live._

 

“Mh,” Atem pulled his lips away by a small fraction, “I’m sorry, I just woke up my breath probably-”

“I don’t care,” Kaiba cut him off, voice barely audible. And he sounded so happy. “I don’t care.” And he kissed him again, tongue just barely gracing Atem’s bottom lip. They slowed down, lips soft, not kissing but still touching.

And they stayed like that for a while.

They thought about undoing the day, unmaking the bed and closing the blinds.

They thought about making their own light between them, they wouldn’t need the sun.

But they sat there instead, in the comfort of daylight because the stillness was so comforting.

Kaiba pursed his lips. Spoke quietly. “I was… I _am_ serious about this.”

Atem laughed, ready to move past the tears, past the anxieties. “I mean…” He grinned. “You gave me a blowjob, that’s pretty serious.” Kaiba’s soft hands of comfort suddenly pushed him onto the floor, baffled little noises that could barely be called speaking. It was so easy to catch Kaiba off guard now, it worried him. Kaiba put too much trust in him, but maybe it would be okay. “Like…” Atem continued, leaning upwards again, “… Seto Kaiba, _the_ Seto Kaiba, gave me a blowjob. Holy shit.”

Kaiba scooted further from him, observed his own nails. Atem didn’t miss how he shifted his mouth when he didn’t speak. _Mouths._

 _“_ Whatever. For the record, you’re cleaning my bathroom today. I let you come into my house, wear my pajamas, I almost get you off and then you throw up and go to bed. I’d say you owe me.”

Atem grinned. “How about this.” He leaned forward, shifted closer to Kaiba until their knees were touching. “Let’s play a game. Cards, maybe. If I win-“ And then there was a hand over most of Atem’s face, mumbled speaking.

“How about not,” Kaiba sassed back, “Let’s play a game called help me get this house back in order or I’m going to dangle you by your feet from the balcony.”

Atem shrugged, laughed. Nudged the hand away. “Fair enough. Actually,” he looked around, at the walls, the shelves, “I was curious, do you have personal chefs, maids, you know, that sort of thing?”

Kaiba shrugged. “No.”

“Yeah, I know you like to do your own thing. Mokuba, though,” He didn’t notice how Kaiba tensed, “He would probably get it.” Kaiba laced his fingers together in his lap tightly. Tendons showing through skin. “Where is he, anyway?”

Atem looked back at Kaiba, saw him. Knew that he had said the wrong things. And the room was somber despite the beautiful sun that made the bed glow. “Kaiba…”

Kaiba’s lips were pursed in a way that wasn’t beautiful. He looked tired again.

“Mokuba isn’t here.”

Oh.

 _Oh_.

And Atem didn’t know where to start, what to say. Not when Kaiba looked so fucking _sad_ , more damaged than he had ever seen him look. And Atem felt terrible, guilty for asking a question he never could have known would break down Kaiba like this. Suddenly, it was as if the answer to the question was not needed, because the results of the answer were enough to flesh out the story; why Kaiba looked so exhausted, why the house felt too big. Too empty. And Atem knew he didn’t need to know, he knew that  Kaiba showing this much vulnerability was worth more than the inquiry.

“I... “ Atem spoke. The room felt so vast, there on the floor next to the bed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up anything that would hurt you.”

Kaiba suddenly scoffed, shifting backwards enough so he and Atem weren’t touching anymore. “Hurt? No. I’m fine.”

And they said nothing, and Kaiba regretted scooting away. It only reminded him how often he irrationally isolated himself from caring hands in order to protect himself from the fear of the unknown, the actions and thoughts of humans.

 

He prefered not to grasp onto the companionship of others, he was only in control of so much. He feared placing himself into the smooth marbled hands of the trusted, because _Gods_ it was filled with so much warmth, but the abyss below was _too deep_ , and he hated falling more than he hated hitting the ground. But he knew he had climbed into Atem’s palm, rested his neck between his fingers when he let him stay the night.


	23. Chapter 23

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_He preferred not to grasp onto the companionship of others, he was only in control of so much. He feared placing himself into the smooth marbled hands of the trusted, because Gods it was filled with so much warmth, but the abyss below was too deep, and he hated falling more than he hated hitting the ground. But he knew he had climbed into Atem’s palm, rested his neck between his fingers when he let him stay the night._

 

“...I’m sorry,” Kaiba said. He shifted closer to Atem. “I just… I don’t really know where to start.” He stared at his feet, watched how his nails pressed against the thread of his socks. “I don’t think I can…” He stretched his toes in different ways, watched how the tendons created bridges of space underneath polyester patterns. “I’ll just say… Mokuba is fine, he is well. He’s just… traveling right now. He’d prefer… not to be in contact with me. I wasn’t the best brother.” He laughed, but it was at himself. “That’s, actually... no. That’s an understatement. I was fucking _terrible_ . In the time after you left, I got worse and worse. I had a bad habit of treating people like shit. Still do.” He shrugged. “You know better than most people how capable I am of being a prick.” He frowned. “I don’t… I don’t do it because I hate any of you… not even… _them_. Your cheer squad.”

He felt Atem kick his thigh with a cold foot.

“Sorry. _Friends_.”

Kaiba wet his lips. Looked around. “I just did not have a normal means of being raised. Everything was a game. But, not… not like Duel Monsters, chess, or any of the other games I enjoy. It was just life. KaibaCorp. Others. People. They were all stepping stones to make it to the top of…” He laughed again. “And that’s the thing. There _was_ no top. It’s all relative, you know. And once I realized, when I thought I had all I ever wanted, I still.. I still wanted more. And it made me angry. So I pushed myself harder. Drove people down more. Used _them_ as the stepping stones. I started to fall down the mentality I fear so much; aggression and crazed selfishness towards everyone. Even Mokuba… Gods, it was like when I was a teenager; all a blur. It was how I was before you did your…” Seto flicked his hand in the air. “Magical coma-inducing mindfuck. And... “ He pursed his lips. Folded his fingers together too nicely, looked down. Made sure his hair covered his face, looked away from his company. “And, Mokuba left. He didn’t… want to be a part of KaibaCorp anymore. Didn’t want the name. Because he was scared, scared it would make him like me. And he wanted…” Seto was quiet. “He said he wanted to be good, and he would come back when I changed. So he left. And now he’s traveling in the company of Roland. That was the only request he allowed me, I wanted him to have a familiar face with him. He’s traveling all across the world, speaking with humane groups, representatives from poverty stricken villages. Helping children.” He wiped at his nose. “You know, giving them food and supplies. Means to build themselves up. Not… Not making a ridiculous amusement park. I always… I always wanted to help, but. But, free admission doesn’t exactly fucking translate to food, shelter, and health, now does it?”

Atem hadn’t spoken in a while, his mind was trying to process all of the words, all of the told and untold stories Kaiba had shared. He trying to be delicate with Kaiba, how he unfolded himself.

And he knew,

_Oh, he knew,_

That nothing he could say could fix this. That _this_ , this was Kaiba’s own puzzle to solve, once more, like he did with his mind so many years ago. Back when he had tried to _kill_ him with his own twisted version of an amusement park before KaibaLand was built.

Atem got up. Held his hands out to him. Kaiba saw, but chose to ignore Atem’s request. He was still zoned in on his socks. “You know,” Atem said, “KaibaCorp, KaibaLand, all of it. It doesn’t... it does not provide the necessities that other parts of the world need. That help is needed, but there are so many ways to help, and there is only so much that can be done.” Atem smiled. “And there is _so_ much that you have yet to do. If you strive to be more like that, maybe it’s time you looked up to Mokuba a little bit. Just like he did to you, throughout all those years. Without you, there would be no possible way Mokuba would have the means to travel and do all that he is doing.”

Kaiba said nothing.

“Where did he get the funds for this project?”

Kaiba said nothing, once more.

“KaibaCorp, right? From you.”

“I guess,” Kaiba muttered. _Childish_.

“In your own way, Kaiba, you have brought hope to billions of kids across the world. Some things, like hunger, poverty, sickness… it is a very complicated and improbable thing to fix. Who knows, it’s sad, but we may never get there. But you… despite all of this, you give these kids hope. Fun. Imagination, because you created images, _real_ images out of creatures that could only seem real in dreams.” Atem leaned down, took his hands. “Because no matter how much suffering ensues in this world, that hope and that unrestricted and beautiful imagination that you help inspire will always feed the minds of children, teenagers, and adults alike. That hope, who knows. It’s like, what Mokuba is doing is like providing the base of the torch. And you’re the fire. Sure, all of the means for light and warmth are there, but without the fire, that light, and that warmth, it would not exist.”

Atem lifted Kaiba to his feet, looked up at him. Smiled. And so did Kaiba.

“That was cheesy,” Kaiba said.

“I know. But it’s the truth.”

_He believed it was so._

Kaiba ran his fingers through a section of Atem’s bangs, untangled the sleep from it.

“Yeah. You’re… of course you’re right. Because you’re Atem.” He let the hair fall from his fingertips. “The king of cheesy truth.”

Atem rearranged his bangs with a few flicks of his wrist. “Thanks,” he laughed. “I think you were trying to compliment me, so I’ll take it that way.” He stepped over to where the discarded shirt was from the night before. “Hate to ask, but do you have… any other clothes available that isn’t a white T-shirt?”

Seto grabbed the shirt from him, held it with the ends of his fingers. Opened one of the various cupboard in the bathroom and tossed it into the chute that was built there. Atem sat on the bed, looked outside the balcony window. Listened to Kaiba open and close drawers in his spacious closet that had _its own separate room_ attached to the bathroom. After a while, he came back. A maroon knit sweater in hand.

“H… here.” He threw the sweater in Atem’s direction. It hit his face before sliding into his lap.

Atem considered throwing back a taunting remark, but instead traded the idea for a grin as he lifted the oversized thing over his head. “Aww, Kaiba, how’d you know maroon looks nice on me?” He rolled up the sleeves a few times until it was at an adequate length, but the sweater was still long enough to where the grey shorts he was still wearing were barely visible underneath.

“I chose it randomly,” Kaiba declared to the wall he was now facing in order to give Atem privacy while he changed.

Atem stared at him.

“You’ve seen me naked, it’s not necessary to… do that.”

Kaiba turned. “Yeah, but-”

“And you’ve also sucked my-”

“Fine.” Kaiba lifted his chin, stood tall. Walked towards Atem. “Give it back and you can waltz around naked for all I care.”

Atem took a few steps to the side. Laughed. “I’d rather not. Sorry. I was actually wondering… I kind of threw up everything I ate yesterday and food sounds kind of nice, if you’d be so generous.”

“Oh, yeah. There’s stuff downstairs. I wasn’t sure what you’d want to eat so I’m leaving it up to you.”

And they headed down the staircase and talked the whole way. And it took so long for Atem to eat, because he and Kaiba were laughing the whole time. They spent the morning that way, sitting at the counter. Reminiscing on the irrationality of their youths, occasionally bringing up activities and words from the night before. Yet, they were both still scared, still frightened of how to continue. Because now it wasn’t the drinks, now it was just _them_ , and it was all so new. But as the morning continued, their shoulders were always a little bit closer, smiles a little bit more genuine.

And Atem realized, he knew, that Kaiba was trying his hardest to regain the socialization he had lost in his youth. And _oh,_ it was so unpolished, and words never came out correctly. A few times, Kaiba froze his speech entirely, at loss for input that even the most intellectual thinking cannot create.

And Atem was good, he would always pick up the pieces of his fractured sentences and start anew.

Eventually, Kaiba stopped looking at his feet. And he stopped using immature insults to combat the times Atem stumped his conversational flow.

And oh, he knew how dangerous it all was.

How he let Atem carry him over the top of the abyss, broken relationships and resentment, how Kaiba held his neck out in clear view. Gave Atem the knife that could end it all so soon.

_But oh, how he didn’t care anymore,_

_Because the motions of ordinary conversation,_

_And the presence of someone else,_

It fixed all of the damages in his heart with a warm, warm glue that carried steam from his chest out through his mouth.

He just didn’t want the glue to melt away, down into his bones.

Because if it did, this one last time,

He was sure he would die.


	24. Chapter 24

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_But oh, how he didn’t care anymore,_

_Because the motions of ordinary conversation,_

_And the presence of someone else,_

_It fixed all of the damages in his heart with a warm, warm glue that carried steam from his chest out through his mouth._

_He just didn’t want the glue to melt away, down into his bones._

_Because if it did, this one last time,_

_He was sure he would die._

 

The dishes in the sink were gone, stainless steel shined in the sun. Kaiba wiped his hands on a dry towel, stretched his arms above his head. The sun was shining through the windows, casting light through all of the dust that was too far to brush away. Atem sat at the table, fingers touching the text on the morning paper. He read the dates, the politics, the obituaries. But more than the daily reminder of death, the _date_ scared him.

 _He was tired of time,_ tired of how unmoving it was and how unstable _he_ was. He knew, everyone feared and accepted the cycle of life and aging, but _Gods_ he just wanted to live until the day he would lay down and sleep forever, like everyone else did.

And he thought of the faces in the paper, of the elders, how they must have slept in their beds. Died in the quiet. He thought of his _own_ deaths, _all of the times he fell,_ how violent it was. How full of vigor he was. How blood flowed through his legs, how tall he stood. How bright his eyes were with no signs of age when the spiny fingers of shadows cradled his neck and the small of his back, and laid him into nothingness. And he was glad, glad that he didn’t remember what the afterlife was like.

He had hoped selfishly that maybe if he died the right way, like all of the elders in the paper, something wouldn’t be _wrong_ and he would simply be deconstructed by light.

And suddenly he was distracted by hands that touched his shoulders hesitantly. Kaiba was there, Atem could smell the conditioner in his hair, only knew it was his because the scent was lingering in his brain. Memories of his face so close to his the night before.

Kaiba lifted his hand and walked away as soon as he came, saying “you should probably shower. Your hair smells like it’s never been washed.” And then he stopped, turning to Atem, uneven in his stature. “Not in, like, a bad way though. Like, it’s weird.” _He didn’t mean to sound rude._ “It doesn’t smell like anything.” Kaiba was scratching at the side of his neck. “I didn’t mean to be-”

“No,” Atem answered, smiling. “I know you didn’t mean it like that. You’re most likely correct, I don’t think this body has had a bath in a few thousand years, let alone a shower.”

Kaiba’s face was red, mostly his nose. _Atem was scared still, how soft Kaiba was making himself in his fingers,_

“I still am sorry, I, uh,” Kaiba continued, but Atem could barely hear it.

He was looking at Kaiba, how his eyes were different, the way he stood, the way he spoke. It was natural, seemed fitting, and Atem was curious if he had ever acted like this around anyone else.

He wondered what Kaiba acted like as a child.

_Before he was Seto Kaiba,_

_And just Seto,_

_The unknown child in the dried out sandbox._

Kaiba too was thinking about Seto, the child, how his hands must have looked in his youth. His knees that were seen below the shadow of shorts, the colors and bruises of a peach when he tripped and fell. The tiny hands, how they had probably held Mokuba’s when there were too many adults around, older kids, anybody outside that sandbox.

Because the other toys, out there past the plastic gates, were the things in playsets that stayed the same.

But the sandbox, _oh, he could build anything._ He resented the slides, the swingsets, how they stayed the same even when other kids used them without gratitude. How they would break down and never be replaced. And when he built from the dried sand that was dirty with leaves and dirt, he paid respect to his creations. He wanted them to grow, speak and shine in colors that were brighter than the chipped paint on the swingset.

And all of this imagery, Kaiba saw it through a faded lens. He saw it through the looking glass with the most rust because he knew that this boy, Seto, used to be him. _Himself._ And he wanted to reach through that thick glass even if it hurt and bled, because he wanted more than anything to save him and his brother, Mokuba. 

And Atem was in front of him now, Kaiba had disconnected from the world he lived in. Hadn’t even noticed that Atem got up from the chair he was sitting on. And then, he did what would _always_ scare Kaiba the most, because of how much the warmth stung his skin. How unsettling it was, the foreign feeling. Atem hugged him with meaning, his head barely reaching Kaiba’s shoulders.

_He was so short._

Atem was laughing softly, Kaiba could feel his breath through his shirt.

“We really are an odd pair, aren’t we?”

Kaiba _wanted_ to laugh in response, but he _didn’t_ want to.

He was sure he would cry,

and _he did not want to._

“Yeah,” Kaiba replied.

And they stood there for minutes, Atem felt Kaiba’s chin rest against his shoulder. He felt it, heard it because it was so close to his ears; Kaiba inhaled to speak. Something important. Something that took a lot of strength.

“Atem…” His voice was quiet, his head never moved. Atem never moved his hands from his back. The floor creaked anyways, the soft hum of the dishwasher. Clouds outside.

“Do you... “

Atem respectfully waited for however long it would take Kaiba to speak.

“Could you…” He swallowed nothing, didn’t dare move from where he stood. He didn’t want Atem to see his face.

“You can… call me Seto, if you want to.”

Neither of them moved.

But Atem smiled, bent his head down so his forehead rested on the other man’s chest. Loved the feel of soft fabric.

“Okay,” Atem said.

He looked up at _him_ , the spirit of the child in the sandbox.

“I always liked that name,”

_For every reason_

The sun was so bright.

“Seto.”

 

* * *

 

It was overcast, silent. Yugi had convinced Joey to take the long route home, the one that didn’t pass by the teashop or the forest clearing. Yugi had insisted on buying groceries first and when Joey tried to tell him he was making an unnecessary trip for himself, Yugi ignored it with a small laugh. He would smile, continue a story he stopped telling too many moments ago.

The leaves rustled, it made the silence underneath sound beautiful.

And while they walked, Yugi stepped on every crack in the sidewalk.

Joey watched his friend’s feet skip about.

“So, Yugi.” Joey readjusted the bags of groceries that were starting to pain his shoulder. But it was his fault, he insisted on carrying almost everything. “Have you, uh… found another job yet?”

Yugi stopped stepping on the cracks. He looked at the grocery bag that swung from his hand. Expected it to do something. It didn’t.

“No,” Yugi responded quietly, passively. “Not yet.”

Joey remained quiet for a bit longer, contemplating whether or not he wanted to fall prey to ignorance and ease, or if he wanted to hurt Yugi for the better. He settled on the later.

Joey sighed. “Yugi... I know you don’t want to talk about this. But-”

“You’re right, I don’t,” Yugi spoke over him, and it began to rain. But the sun was shining.

“I know that…” Joey spoke carefully. “The last few years have been rough.”  

Yugi began to walk faster.

“But,” Joey caught up to him, “You can’t keep on living like this. Yugi… the money you’re living off of. That’s… Solomon entrusted that money to you for college. To live your dream. Is this… is this really all you have left?”

“I guess so,” Yugi muttered. He tripped over a crack in the cement, but quickly caught himself.

“Yugi, you know that’s not true. You’ve told me your dreams. I know you want to design games, you know, create that sort of thing. That’s what you went to college for, remember?”

“I haven’t forgotten, Joey.” Yugi looked at his nails. Contemplated chewing on them as he walked. “I wish you’d talk about something else.”

“Yugi-”

Yugi turned, stopped, and Joey nearly stumbled over him.

“You know what I really don’t understand?” Yugi was smiling. But he wasn’t happy. “I don’t understand why you give a shit about my future, or the money I’m using. Doesn’t it seem a little messed up if you care about the progression of my future, of _my_ life, more than I do? I was ready to give up.” Yugi laughed. “I was _so_ ready to give up. And then, and, and then _he, Atem,_ showed up. And I never felt more complete, even though I had _forgotten what it felt like_ . And I thought everything would be okay, and then _look_. I fucked it up because I learned the wrong fucking lessons from the wrong fucking people.”

Joey sighed, rolled his eyes. “This isn’t about that party again, is it?”

Yugi dropped his groceries. Raised his quiet voice. “So _what_ if it is? So fucking _what_ if this is because of what happened? If the… the intimacy and, and the guestroom… everything, if _everything_ ... “ Yugi quietly picked up the grocery bag. “If it didn’t matter to her, and it didn’t matter to me, then why couldn’t… with Atem… I just wanted him to be _happy_ . I thought, I thought maybe it would've been okay. I don’t fucking _know_ why I did it, I do, but I don’t. My feelings, how I am, _I’m so fucked up_ . I… I'm not the same person he knew. I’m so much worse in so many ways. If not for _that_ mistake, the kiss, he would've found a thousand more bad things about me and left just the same.”

Yugi was quiet, brushing his fingers through unruly bits of his bangs.

“But that’s just the thing,” Joey’s voice was soft, “It _did_ matter to you. And you're still you. You're going through some hard times, but we are gonna pull you out of this rut, okay? You and Atem will always be friends, okay?”

Yugi smiled, a quiet laugh.

_Friends._

_Atem would always be more, the kind of love that can't be defined by books and can't be found on the grounds of Earth. They would brush shoulders and stars would be born. But they were all flakes of Atem’s skin, burdening him until he had no skin left. And Yugi would watch him cry for all that was beautiful, shimmering crystallized tears._

Joey set down the groceries, faced him. Sad, soft sympathy. “It will always matter to you, Yugi. And so will he.”

“I wish it didn’t, I wish he didn't,” Yugi rubbed away the idea of tears with the sleeve of his second favorite jacket, “I wish I didn’t care. If I didn’t, maybe this wouldn’t hurt so fucking much, Joey.”

And they stood there a moment longer, before Yugi picked up his bags and they continued down the long route to the card shop. And Yugi didn’t tell Joey that within the next few days, the last of his college savings that Solomon had set aside will have disappeared into the wind that smelled like rain and gasoline.

And Yugi thought about the girl, the party, the mistakes he's made.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit long, and is a bit different than any one before it or anything I'll post after.  
> Also I'll mention this chapter is also entirely a flashback.  
> TW: Minor self harm, vague panic attacks, and a vague sex scene.   
> Comments are always appreciated. Thank you for everything thus far~

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._  

 

****

 

* * *

  

_And Yugi thought about the girl, the party, the mistakes he's made._

 

_Yugi had forgotten whose house they were at, only that it was big and expensive and the parents that owned it were out of town for the weekend. He was invited by the small amount of acquaintances he had, the ones that knew just a little bit more than his name and what they read about him. He somehow expected things to be different going into college, after all that he had done. But, while he was away on his adventures in highschool he didn’t see the rest of the world pass by. He didn’t see all the spectators that shook their heads._

_Some people thanked Yugi for all he and his friends had done._

_Other people yelled, or gave quiet looks of disgust. He didn’t realize the economy Kaiba had started, and how big of a role he played in it. People were scared. For the first time in years, Yugi realized that the rest of the world needed to function, it needed to move, the games didn’t provide anything but entertainment and occasionally forbidden magic that could ruin everything._

_When he started college, and the fire surrounding his story burned away, he was very aware of this._

_Suddenly,_

_When the void in his heart where Atem used to curl in became too loud,_

_When he had nothing to do,_

_When his grandfather died,_

_He found himself very bored and very sad._

_He had set up his college plan with Solomon and he tried to follow it, especially in name of his death._

_But he couldn’t, he just couldn’t care anymore._

_So, he decided to forget about his school and his job, just for one night._

_Just one night._

_And here he was, surrounded by strangers that knew him so well. His only complaint was that Joey had been busy that night doing what he was supposed to, finishing up his share of a group project that Yugi certainly wasn’t holding his weight on._

_But he was happy, happy Joey couldn’t see him now,_

_See how disgustingly fake he was acting._

_Because Yugi just wanted an excuse to act old without reason or a plan._

_Because Yugi had started drinking after Atem left, because he wanted to be mature without trying._

_And here he was, at a nameless party with loud music, loud laughter, and loud screaming whenever someone slipped and fell doing something idiotic._

_And Yugi wanted that for some reason; he wanted to be the laughable one even if he was being a fucking idiot. He just wanted to feel like someone cared, even if he was acting like a joke._

_But within an hour of his arrival, anyone he had came there with had found other people, better entertainment. And everyone was too drunk to feel bad, too happy to waste their time with him. So he sat on an unoccupied couch. The other ones had too many people bumping shoulders, too many people speaking in flirtaious slurs with their hands brushing hands, sliding into shirts._

_He had just finished another shitty beer when he saw her._

_And for the first time that hour, she was the only one that looked at him._

_He saw her brown eyes, her cheap dress with the floral patterns. He couldn’t help but notice how plain she looked, how unmistakably and disgustingly average she was. She wasn’t under or overweight, he saw the faint idea of dark hair on her arms. But it was slight, covered by clanging of cheap gold jewelry._

_Yugi had seen a God adorned in the finest, he knew what gold looked like. The girl made him angry. She had plain shoes, blue flats. Her eyes were okay, but her makeup was smeared and unimpressive. Her hair was long, dark brown. She didn’t have bangs, her hair just went forever. It never ended._

_But, she looked at him._

_And despite the skin he had touched before, how much it meant to him when his hand rested on_ _his_ _shoulder, the soft touches that_ _she_ _had left before she left for New York, the embraces he felt from his mother, his grandfather when he was frightened,_

_He wanted this plain girl dressed in floral patterns with hair that never ended to touch him. And he wanted to touch her, he just wanted to feel something._

_Feel alive._

_Who knew, maybe there was gold underneath her skin, maybe rosewater would leak from her pores if he felt under her dress._

_He hoped it would smell better than the lingering scent of vomit coming from the kitchen._

_He knew these were stupid thoughts, but he was sad, and she looked at him._

_She walked towards him, he didn’t move._

_Sat down next to him, he didn’t look at her._

_“Hey,” she said._

_“Hi.”_

_“Yugi Muto?” she asked._

_“Yes.”_

_“You know, for being a supposed hero, you’re kind of a lonely little thing aren’t you?”_

_Yugi almost told her to fuck off right then. ‘Little thing.’_

_“You don’t know anything about me,” Yugi replied. Drank what was left in the can he was holding, crumpled it and set it on the coffee table in front of them._

_“I suppose I don’t,” the girl said. Her eyes were locked on the can. “I know you’re lonely, though.”_

_Yugi laughed at her. “And how’s that?”_

_She looked at him, wide brown eyes. They weren’t special, and she wasn’t smiling._

_“Because you’d rather defend what little barrier you have left that keeps others from finding out you really aren’t special anymore, than defending that you’re not lonely.”_

_Yugi said nothing, but he considered leaving._

_She looked at him again, then at the can._

_“Have you ever had sex?”_

_Yugi looked at her sharply, tried to not be as offended as he ended up looking._

_“Excuse me?”_

_“Have you ever had sex?” she repeated._

_Yugi looked at her a bit longer before leaning forward, elbows rested against his knees. Chin resting in his hands, fingers pressing into his cheeks._

_A scream in the distance, and then laughs._

_“He broke the door hinge! What a fucking idiot!” An unrecognizable voice among dozens._

 

_The girl looked forward as well._

 

_“Haha! What’s the next dare?”_

 

_More silence. More laughter in the kitchen._

 

_“That’s the rules, you’ve got to strip or don’t play! Haha!”_

 

_“Yeah, I have,” Yugi replied._

 

_They both kept on looking forward._

_Loud ‘oohs’ and ‘eees’ coming from other rooms. A glass breaking._

 

_“Are you lying?” she asked._

 

_Yugi flinched, just barely._

_But he was so tired, he wanted roses. He wanted to be old, to get old and die. Get old and die, but only until he decided he wanted to be young again._

_Then he wanted to live, through him, with him, and everyone else he had loved._

_But oh, it was so easy to mourn what was lost. It was easier than doing studying for class._

 

_“Yes,” Yugi replied._

_“Do you want to go upstairs?” she asked._

_Yugi looked at her nose, how flat it looked, it wasn’t pretty._

_“Okay,” Yugi replied. And he felt disgusted with himself, he watched the girl’s hair tangle behind her back as she walked upstairs. He was trailing behind her, just far enough to where he could see her underwear when her dress swayed._

_Red lace._

_He hated how the color looked on her, it reminded him of eyes that were sacred, reminded him of eyes that were dead. And he felt, just then, that this girl’s panties had insulted and vandalized the name of a God._

_He wanted to burn them._

_He didn’t want that glaring color to mock him, he felt shameful in its presence._

_He looked at her blue shoes as she walked instead._

_He really, really, wanted to fuck someone._

_And as she opened the door to the guest room, Yugi heard glass shattering downstairs. And he realized, how irrationally stupid he thought they all were. And he hated himself for being so unkind, but he couldn’t help it when he resented himself so much. It was like something Joey told him long ago, when he was a sophmore in highschool. Back when he was more accustomed to being punched and thrown than the feeling of a soft hand against his cheek telling him everything was going to be okay._

_And when the door shut, Yugi turned the light on. The girl looked at him with those eyes, imperfect and still._

_“Turn the lights off.”_

_“Okay.” And so he did._

_And he felt like he should’ve been glad, that he didn’t have to see her face when he sat next to her on a stranger’s bed,_

_But for some reason,_

_He thought that having sex would mean more than this, that he would have inevitably seen the face of someone he loved more than anything,_

_But then again, that person, that creature that would have swept his youth away was as vague and faceless as the girl that was sitting next to him._

_But she was there, she was there just barely, the moonlight outside the window allowed it so._

 

_It was raining, hard._

 

_Yugi saw the tiny wooden bird on the windowsill,_

_And just for a second, he wanted to bash the exquisitely crafted bird against his head._

_But he didn’t because the girl was gently pushing him down on the bed. Her hair fell onto his face, he wanted to cut it._

_“Do you know what to do?” She asked._

_“No.”_

_“Do you really want to do this?” She asked._

_Yugi thought about this for a moment, thought of highschool. Sneaking VHS tapes to his best friend. Picking flowers. The sun, cicadas outside the game shop. Socks against the hardwood floor. Playing games with his grandfather, with the spirit of the puzzle._

_And then,_

_He saw memories that weren’t his, never would be._

_He saw himself, 10 years old, on a day that was too hot. An oversized tank top and shorts. The sun was bright, but it felt so good because it was him._

_The light was coming from the boy sitting across from him, wearing the same outfit, and he looked so damn similar to himself._

_He looked so bright, skin kissed by the Gods._

_Eyes so unnaturally red he couldn’t be human._

_But, the boy that was the sun, he was so young. He was only 10._

_A mirrored version of Yugi surrounded in holy privileges. But the boys legs, they were being cut by stone. Hands made of faulty cement held him down, forced him to sit on the tatami with Yugi (Yugi didn’t want him to be stuck here, he wanted him to move on his own, walk on the grass with him)._

_But, the boy was smiling._

_Somehow, when the sun boy’s legs bled gold all over the floor, when he bounced the small ball onto the floor and picked up every single jack before it started to fall down again, he smiled._

_The boy smiled, and it made Yugi disgustingly sad because he knew how genuine it was._

_And he felt bad because he wanted nice things for the boy, a nice life for the boy. And it made him feel terribly,_

_Terribly,_

_Guilty._

 

_“Why did you stop?”_

 

_Yugi stopped thinking about the memories that weren’t his, realized that he was pantless, hovering over the faceless, nameless girl._

_He didn’t say anything. His arms were shaking, but it wasn’t because he had been supporting his bodyweight over the top of the girl he was going to lose his virginity to, it was because he was terrified about how much he longed for the impossible._

 

_A first time that meant anything at all._

 

_“Did you forget condoms?” She asked._

_Yugi moved aside. “Yeah.”_

_The girl got up without a word, Yugi didn’t realize her floral dress was discarded, but those fucking appalling panties were still on her body. He chose to focus on how the moonlight outlined her shoulderblades._

_They looked okay._

_She bent down, Yugi heard her rustle through her purse._

_She came back, put a small wrapper in his hands._

_And he felt terrified for a second because the condom wrapper felt like an unopened Duel Monsters pack. How fucking childish he was, in this room with this girl._

 

_(“Let’s use this card, partner._

_“But why, other me? Isn’t this a bad card?”_

_“No, partner. You can find light in the faintest of places if you try.” )_

 

_And Yugi felt like crying because the only light he saw now was the girl’s cellphone illuminating the room when he struggled to still his fingers enough to rip open the condom wrapper. He set it aside for now._

_“Do you know how to-”_

_“Yes.”_

_The room was dark now._

_“Why are you so quiet?” The girl asked. “I thought you were supposed to be happy.”_

_“And why would you assume that?”_

_“Because you’re always smiling in photos.”_

_“Please stop talking about me.”_

_“Do you want me to say dirty things?”_

_“No.”_

_“Okay.”_

_Yugi said nothing._

_“Do you want to kiss?”_

_Yugi hesitated now, hovering over her once again._

_“Should we?” Yugi asked. “Does it mean anything? Does any of this mean something to you?”_

_The girl shifted below him. Touched his arm._

_“No.”_

_Yugi swallowed, breathed slowly. “Why, then?”_

_“Because everyone and life is boring and shitty, and I wanted to have sex. It makes me feel better.”_

_Yugi had thought she was so terribly, unbelievably boring. Plain, unlikable. Unlovable. But now,_

_Now,_

_He was attracted to her. Now, he liked her._

_“Life isn’t shitty,” he said._

_“And you think what you say is the truth just because you say it is so?”_

_“No,” he said._

_“Then you’re lying.”_

_Yugi was struggling, now._

_“Do you like me at all?” Yugi asked._

_“You’re attractive.”_

_Yugi bit his lip._

_“No… me, as a person.”_

_“No,” she replied._

_“Then why do you… want to do this?”_

_“I already told you, Yugi.”_

_And hearing her say his name, he liked her more now._

_“Life is worth living.”_

_“There you go again,” she said. Touched his face. “Thinking what you speak is the truth. So is it true, then?”_

_“What?”_

_“That there was another soul living inside of you, one that could speak with such confidence and clarity that even lies became the truth?”_

_Yugi didn’t mean to inhale as fast as he did._

_“Because you,” she said, playing with his bangs. “You, cannot lie well enough, can you? And in the end,” she smiled, he barely saw it in the dim light, yelling downstairs, “you cannot speak the truth. And, you cannot speak in lies that could pass for truth. So why do you talk at all?”_

_Yugi didn’t talk._

_Instead, he chose to kiss her, run his hand down her stomach until his fingers touched soft polyester, a color that was unseen in the dark, but he knew._

_Oh, he knew the color, so he pulled them off of her and threw them off the bed, placed his trembling fingers where they had never been before._

_And he finally felt alive again, for the first time in years, when they moved together in the dark, and he finally knew what it felt like. She didn’t kiss him._

_And he understood what she was trying to say._

_But he would deny it,_

_Because he liked her, because life wasn’t shitty, and sex should’ve meant more to her. And he found himself in another place, and he didn’t want to leave, he wanted death before that._

_And when he finished, quiet noises muffled by the pillow he tucked his face into, and she stopped moaning into his shoulder, he wanted her to tell him that she loved him._

_But he knew better, so he rolled off of her and laid next to her. And he thought he would feel different, that he would be older, that he would be happier._

_But now, he just wanted to see this girl smile and hear her say his name. Feel her skin between his fingers, watch her hair grow._

_Buy her new fucking underwear._

_They didn’t speak, the girl was looking at the bird on the windowsill._

_Yugi was heightened, but oh, he wanted to cry._

_“What’s your name?”_

_“I’m not going to tell you,” she replied._

_Yugi felt his stomach rotting._

_“Why not?”_

_She kept her eyes on the bird, Yugi was sure she would be able to move it with her mind. He wanted to convince himself she was more than human. But he knew that when the lights turned on, he would know better._

_“Because if I tell you my name, you’ll want to know more.”_

_Yugi turned to her, on his side. Aware of how the sweat from his back was left on someone else’s bed. He didn’t really care anymore. “Is that… so bad?”_

_And then she laughed, and she kept on laughing, and she didn’t stop._

_“You’re not special, Yugi. Neither am I. But you,” she kept laughing, “you felt otherwise, didn’t you? About yourself?”_

_Yugi was nearly scared, watching her silhouette shake with her inhales._

_“I know I’m not special, I never said I was,” Yugi said._

_“Of course you wouldn’t,” the girl said, “because that would be so egotistical of you. Let me tell you something, Yugi. I’m a rotten person. And so are you. Everyone is, and you will never convince me otherwise.”_

_Yugi said nothing. But he now regretted ever walking upstairs, her disgusting underwear was now an omen._

_“You could not have acted more self centered, more cool when I talked to you on the couch. But now, now that you know what it is like to be inside someone, you couldn’t like me more, could you?”_

_Yugi wanted to tell her she was wrong, but he was frightened. He was frightened, because he knew she was right. He hated himself more than her clothing._

_“I have walked this path, up these stairs, with more people than just you, Yugi. Want to know why?”_

_Yugi didn’t respond._

_“Because this is my parent’s house, this is my fucking party. And nobody could be bothered to speak with me because what I have speaks louder than I do. My house, my alcohol, my legs, they all are more alluring than my mind. And you, Yugi, would have continued to be a conceited asshole, acting indifferent to everything and everyone.”_

_Yugi was trying to cry as quietly as he could. Fuck, he didn’t want to be crying right now. Not now._

_“You see, Yugi. You are not special. Because in order to be special, someone has to be astoundingly low. You’d like to think that you, like the other one that used to live in your body, are a diamond in the rough, right?”_

_Yugi wanted to tell her no, but if he did, his voice would crack. And he wanted to stop crying._

_“But that implies that there has to be a vast amount of ‘rough’ for you to shine over. Ever consider how everyone wants to be a diamond?”_

_Yugi was digging his nails into his arm, such an old coping habit._

_“You think that you could reflect yourself onto me, because you had sex with me. Because you had sex at all. I told you before, Yugi, I have sex because it is nice, it makes me happy, and people are shitty. Sex, kissing, all of it. It isn’t special, it is just another means to temporary bliss because we are all selfish. There are no diamonds, and if they do exist in the form of humans, they never asked to be one and will never see themselves as one. So in that way, they do not exist at all. They don’t exist. They don’t.”_

_The screaming downstairs had hushed down, only a few voices now. Moaning and the banging of a headboard against the wall in a few rooms over._

_“Are you crying?” the girl asked._

_The moaning got louder, the banging was obnoxious, then it suddenly quieted down._

_Silence._

_“No,” Yugi replied._

_“You’re lying, aren’t you?”_

_Yes,” Yugi replied, his voice cracking just like he didn’t want it to. “Yes I am.”_

_She got up from the bed, Yugi wished that if he touched her skin, maybe if they had sex again, she would stay. Take back the truth in her words._

 

_“Diamonds don’t lie.”_

 

_Yugi was still. Cried without noise._

_“You’re leaving?”_

_He saw her bend down, she clothed herself. Closed his eyes when she pulled her underwear up her legs._

_“This is a guest room, I’m sleeping in my own bed.” She grabbed her bag._

_And that was all it took, before Yugi smiled without feeling happy, and started to have a small panic attack on the guest bed. And he was starting to cry audibly now, sniffling, clutching his arm with his fingernails until skin broke. Tears were starting to soak into the pillow, they made his bangs messy._

_“You’re not really going to just fuck me and leave, are you?”_

 

_The girl opened the door, light pouring in the room, illuminating Yugi’s reddened face. And he never felt so weak._

_And she looked beautiful, her hair never ended. And her eyes were the same as they were when he first saw her, they weren’t alive._

_“Yes,” she said quietly. “Yes, I am. Have a good night, Yugi.”_

_And she shut the door, and Yugi was left in the dark._

_And he cried, he screamed softly behind closed lips, punched his leg until it bruised. And when he was done, when he was calm enough to feel nothing, he turned and looked at where she had been, where the sheets had been pressed in. Where he had been on top of her, where he had been in another place._

_And then he looked above, at that windowsill._

_The bird that sat there._

_His chest moved softly, he didn’t dare breathe louder than his heartbeat._

_And he watched the tiny thing, how it didn’t move. He stared at it._

_And stared._

_And he wanted to throw it out the window, and watch it fall. And he thought about himself. He lifted his naked legs from the sheets, the sweater he wore felt gross on his body but it was the only warmth he had. He loved it though, it was soft, a mint color he never wore. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, but he watched his clammy hand grab the bird. He opened the window with the other, stuck his head out._

_It was cold outside, he could see all of the city lights in the distance, how they shone. And it reminded him of that other place. And he wanted it, he loved it. But he knew that he would only be there, in the night sky away from existence, holding hands with a body that didn’t have a face. He saw himself there, flying in the sky and oh Gods was his skin clear, and the skin against him was so smooth, but the face was a mess, the static on his grandfather's television when they couldn’t get the antennae to work correctly._

_And he sighed, let his neck sink. He saw them, the ambiguous beautiful figure, they erased his skin. He swore he saw the tiny bird resting in their chest._

_And oh Gods, they held him so close, wrapped their legs around his as they floated over the city lights. And Yugi felt tears roll down his face, he held onto their neck, as they did to him, the static played with his hair, made his bangs shift in tiny ways,_

_And the stars were so beautiful, he looked at the bird in their silent heart,_

_And he felt the soft skin,_

_“Drop me,” he said, “Drop me,”_

_And he smiled, let the static drip onto his face, he could feel the bird moving in their heart, in his clammy hand, “I want to fly,”_

_And he laughed, felt light as they flew over the city,_

_“I want to fly.”_

_And so they did just that, they dropped him. But, he didn’t fall far because he felt bedsheets again, but only with the toes of one foot because his other leg along with the rest of his body was already dangling out of the guest room window._

_He leaned back a little, opened the window a little bit more. Sat on the windowsill. Dangled both his legs off the edge, held the tiny bird in his hands._

_He loved how the air felt. It crystallized, purified the smell of sex and sweat in the guest room. And he held his sweater close to his body, curled his toes, kicked them in the air. Held the bird up to the night._

_“I think I will keep you,” Yugi said._

_He looked at it. Down below._

_The ground. The sky._

_And he considered many things._

_“Not today,” Yugi said, looked at the stars. “I’m not like you,” he smiled, pet the wooden bird’s head, “not yet.”_

 

* * *

  

“You haven’t talked in a few minutes, you okay, Yugi?”

Yugi hadn’t realized he closed his eyes.

It wasn’t raining, the sun was out again.

“Yeah,” Yugi smiled, “I’m okay. I’m okay, Joey.”

Joey opened the door of the game shop.

“Joey,” Yugi laughed, the birds were chirping around them in the midday sun, “I’m okay. I’m okay,” he was nearly jumping, but he stayed grounded. “I’m okay. Joey, I’m fine,”

“Okay, alright,” Joey wrapped an arm around Yugi and led him inside, “don’t get too worked up, you’re freakin’ me out a little bit.”

And Joey was worried, knew this happiness was temporary, but he clung onto it and hoped that one day Yugi would finally be okay and that he would stop lying.

But the truth, the truth was a terrifying thing. And it was hardly ever good.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for a panic attack and also mentions of past child abuse relating to Gozaburo.  
> Thank you for another great week, honestly, and to everyone that has stuck around thus far.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

  

_He looked up at him , the spirit of the child in the sandbox._

_“I always liked that name,”_

_For every reason_

_The sun was so bright._

_“Seto.”_

 

“Here,” Seto said, towel in hand. “There should be shampoo and everything you need in there, I’m not really sure what else needs explaining.” He smiled. “Figuring things out is what you’re best at, but if you have any questions I’ll be reading in the bedroom.”

“Okay.” Atem turned the shower on, and Seto had already left the towel on the counter and exited the bathroom.

He smiled to himself.

_Kaiba- no, Seto, was still so nervous, wasn’t he?_

Atem looked at his face in the mirror above the sink. _Gods_ it had been so long since he had seen his own face.

He had only ever observed it in reflections thousands of years ago, in the precious and treasured mirrors that few people possessed, but he was royalty. He had the privilege of knowing perfectly what he looked like in his own skin, but oh, it was so short lived.

He brushed his bangs back with his fingers, looked at his cheekbones. His lips. His neck, his collarbones. His ears. His eyes, he forgot how red his irises were.

He was so used to seeing purple, seeing Yugi’s reflection stare back at him.

He turned to the shower, discarded his clothing and stepped in.

“Holy shit, this shower is huge,” he muttered, closing his eyes. He felt warm water against his skin, and a shower had never felt so nice before. He thought of the bathhouses of old, linen against his skin, gold.

He kept his eyes closed,

_Gold, gold, gold._

 

Seto flipped through the book he was reading, something he only did on quiet days like this. But now, _now,_ the sun illuminated the text and he never appreciated the ink pressed onto pages like he did now. He always read electronic copies of books, digital scans online. He loved hard copies years ago, the way smelled, the way they felt. But they had long since been ruined by bad memories. Worse and forgettable times.

But now, _now_ , he couldn’t be more content with the sunlight, the sound of the shower running in the other room. Someone else to accompany these quiet mornings. He usually hated unkempt bed sheets but now he couldn’t stop looking at them, curling his feet in them. Watching the tiniest bits of dust float in the light.

He closed the book, set it on the nightstand. Looked at the waterfall in the corner of the room, he had turned it off when he came back upstairs from the meeting. For once, the silence was beautiful because he could hear _him_. Small sounds of company, for the first time in years.

He had gotten back into bed, watched Atem breathe, the tiny noises he made. Sounds of being human, of innocence that Atem would never allow anyone to see if he could help it. He lost track of how long he had stared at his back, the way bones pressed against skin lightly.

And,

It made him nervous.

Atem’s skin had made him uneasy since he was able to see it up close, with how they had been pressed so closely together in the dark, through thin fabric and slick lips.

_His skin really was flawless._

And Seto knew Atem’s spirit was that of a God, but his body, _it had been through so much._ His presence, he loved it, but it scared him. The shower had turned off by now, Seto had closed his eyes long ago, drifted as he heard small sounds of ordinary life, the sound of feet, the towel shifting, water dripping.

And the shifting had stopped after a while. Seto paid no mind, absorbed it the silence. Drifted still, fell in between sleep and contentedness. He had tuned out most everything, didn’t hear the floor in the other room shake under the give of bodyweight, or the harsh breathing from the other side of the bathroom door. It was only when he heard three slams that echoed through the ribcages of the bedroom that Seto shot up from where he was resting. He didn’t bother asking this time, stumbled to the door and threw it open and there he was, Atem crumpled on the bathroom floor.

His right palm against the wall.

He had banged on it with his hand, Seto could tell with the way his fingers shook, how his entire form was heaving, still naked and dripping with water.

And Seto knew Atem was smart, knew he had called for him without words because he was too panicked to speak. So trusting of him to ask for help. Seto kneeled in front of him, told him to breathe, tried to calm the shaking, the voiceless mess soaked his lap.

Seto grabbed his hand, only to wince when Atem’s nails dug into him harshly as if he was hanging on to the edge of the universe, and the tendons underneath Seto’s skin were the strings hanging over the drop into the abyss.

Atem was hyperventilating, but he wasn’t crying. Seto sat there with him, told him to relax, to time his inhales, count his exhales, until he was nearly still, breathing quietly, eyes staring at the ceiling.

“Atem,” Seto spoke softly, finally, “Atem, what’s wrong?”

No words, only the sound of water dripping in the shower.

“Are you okay?” he tried again. But he knew, he knew he wasn’t, Atem was as still as the dead, but he was warm, he was alive.

And Atem spoke clearly, but he didn’t move his eyes. They didn’t avert from the ceiling.

“This isn’t me,” Atem said, lips barely moving, “This isn’t me.”

Seto didn’t know he was holding his hand so softly now, brushing his thumb over flawless skin. Nails stopped cutting him, Atem’s fingers were loose in his grip.

“What do you mean?” Seto asked.

“This body is not my own.”

Seto remained quiet, Atem didn’t move. The steam had been wiped away from the mirrors, paths where fingers found clarity.

“I saw my body clearly for the first time since I arrived. It’s not right. It’s not mine.”

Seto was looking at his naked stomach, how it shifted, a heartbeat from underneath shaking untouched skin.

Birds outside, dripping from the shower.

Water dripping down the wall.

“I have.. I have a scar on my upper leg, from when I was a child. The one I told you about last night. A birthmark on my shoulder blade. Other tiny scars. Moles. Things, things like that.” He stopped talking, sighed, and then the tears started. But it was quiet. “They’re gone. They’re all gone, like they were never there. They… I had… I was different. This isn’t my skin. This is an imitation.”

And Seto understood, he understood so well.

And he held him closer now, didn’t speak. His assumptions were correct, but he would never speak them.

“This… this isn’t the body I was born with. This is ...new.” Atem laughed, but it came out as sobs. “It was awfully silly of me to assume that a 3,000 year old body could have made it this long.” He closed his eyes. “Really fucking stupid of me, Seto.”

Seto lifted Atem upwards, embraced him.

“This isn’t my body.”

Seto closed his eyes, clenched his jaw.

“This isn’t my body.”

He didn’t stop repeating it, barely trembling.

And there were no words spoken for a long time, because no words could fix this.

Seto kept Atem in his lap, looking forward. He didn’t want him to see his face, fearful of what would be there.

“I never said this aloud, but I figure you’ll understand more than anyone.” Seto lifted one of Atem’s hands, wrapped it along his own forearm, heard Atem gasp quietly.

Seto began to speak.

“A body is just a pile of flesh and chemistry, the soul inside of it is what no amount of science and scholastic efforts can explain.” He picked up Atem’s other hand, placed it on his other forearm. “I… taught myself this. It helped me disregard any damage to my own. As a child, my adoptive father Gozaburo,” he laughed quietly, “was quite strict. Sometimes, I believe unnecessarily. There was one time where I did not score well enough on one of his homemade exams, and my punishment was being separated from Mokuba.” He shifted his feet, let Atem sit on the floor with his back pressed against Seto’s shirt. “It was the first and one of the last times I ever acted in such strong defiance of what Gozaburo told me.”

Seto swallowed nothing. “He left the room with Mokuba, I ran after him, begging like an infant for him to change his mind. The only response I received was him slamming the door on my arms. Of course, it was hard enough to break a bone or two. He left me in that room for about an hour. I just laid on the floor and screamed. Eventually I received medical attention, but my arms will always be damaged. That’s what you feel.”

Atem dusted his fingers against the asymmetry on Seto’s skin. Remained silent.

“There are scars on my back. My legs. Even a few on my neck, you pointed one out last night. I’m sorry I lied about it. But…” Seto looked up, took Atem’s hands in his own and wrapped them around Atem’s waist.

“I suppose the reason I’m telling you all of this is because… my body is irreversibly damaged in many ways. And yours… is so flawless it isn’t deemed normal. But…” Seto squeezed his hand. “I think we will find a way to balance each other out, somehow.”

Atem sighed, smiled.

“Yes, Seto. I believe that too. Thank you.”

Seto flicked Atem’s leg, shifted to get up. “Although, you got my clothes all wet. Asshole.”

Atem snorted, took Seto’s hand as he got up. “You didn’t have to cuddle up to me either, did you?”

“Fair enough,” Seto smiled softly, grabbing new clothes.

And Atem dried himself off, clothes back on his body. And he watched Seto move, watched him sort through hangers. Looked at his legs, his arms, his neck when hair parted just right. And suddenly he could see it all. Faint marks that had worn with time.

It felt like he had lived there, in Seto’s house, for months. Like he had known this kindness for years.

“Thank you,” Atem said quietly.

“Thank you so much.”


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I'd leave a little comment here saying thanks for everything.  
> I started uploading on New Years, and I'm happy that I've been able to consistently upload since then. Every compliment and word of support has given me the motivation to keep up weekly updates as long as I have.  
> Enjoy~

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

They eventually left the house, decided to go shopping in the city. Atem looked at a street sign as they drove, remembered it from high school. _A halfway mark to Yugi’s home._ He smiled. They had spent most of the day buying necessities, Seto unusual in his demeanor. He was used to doing this alone. They walked along the streets, just shy of holding hands. Seto had his hair pulled back in a small bun, wore a thick scarf, sunglasses with thin translucent blue rims.

It was all just to avoid publicity, Seto didn’t care for the spotlight as much as he used to. Atem on the other hand, didn’t receive any attention because as far as the world was concerned, he had never existed.

He had only been praised through through the eyes of another body.

Atem had only asked that they stopped in a nearby shop full of stationery and small trinkets. The store had the aroma of expensive and pleasant candles, low hanging lights and soft rugs. Atem had asked Seto to purchase him a small notebook, beige in color with the slightest texture. A small maroon ribbon to bookmark pages. When Seto had asked him why, Atem told him he didn’t want to risk forgetting these new events, new memories.

They finally ended up at a coffee shop Seto had always wanted to try but never found the time. They sat in the back.

Seto watched Atem’s fingers trace over the top of his cup, a tiny thing meant for espresso shots but he had already drank it all. Seto held his own cup, but didn’t drink it just yet. He appreciated latte art too much, wasn’t willing to ruin it.

“So,” Seto said, setting down his cup. “Where do we go from here?”

Atem looked up, Seto was looking elsewhere, he could barely tell through the expensive sunglasses. But he was definitely staring off somewhere above Atem’s head. “What do you mean?”

“Like…” Seto pursed his lips. “Are we… like… a thing? A couple? Not like. A _couple,_ but. You understand what I mean.”

Atem smiled, looked at Seto’s hands. _He loved his hands._

“I… I would like to believe so, yes.” Atem shrugged. “I never really saw myself being romantic with anyone.”

_Not until Yugi had…_

He didn’t want to ruin things with stupid thoughts.

“Not until recently, anyway. I mean. I didn’t exist before yesterday. And I guess I’ve always been busy cleaning up everyone’s messes.”

Atem grinned, rested his cheek in his hand.

Seto finally took a drink of his coffee. “Yeah, the only mess you have to clean is my house-” he set his coffee down a bit harshly, “not like. In a commanding way. I’m going to help too. Since you stayed over I decided it would only be fair-”

Atem reached over, took his hand.

“Shush. I’ll help. I’m not that spoiled.”

Seto snorted at him, smiled against his best efforts to stay indifferent. And he squeezed his hand back.

“So…” Seto started. “Does this mean… are you gay?”

Atem laughed, “Well, yes. Of course. Have you ever seen me reciprocate _any_ of the times I was hit on in the past?”

Seto muttered into his cup. “Well no, I wouldn’t pay attention to that.”

“Sure,” Atem replied, fingernails tapping on Seto’s hand. “Whatever you say. How about you then?”

He shrugged. “I didn’t really… see interest in anyone. Like, real people.”

“So only your dragons, then?”

“No,” Seto blurted, a few heads turning to look at him in the cafe. Atem started giggling, covered his face with a hand and looked away from him.

“No,” Seto tried again a bit quieter, “not like that. I mean, I like… I got…”

Seto looked _so_ embarrassed, the epitome of comical grumpiness. “You know. Like. I got… moody, or whatever. But there was never really anybody in my head.”

“So porn,” Atem concluded.

Seto frowned, paused longer than he meant to. “No.”

Atem crossed his legs, leaned forward on the wooden table. Over near the entrance, there were assortments of teas lined up on shelves, each one contained within a small jar and a tiny label. He tapped his fingers on his cheek rhythmically, watched people walk by through the large windows near the doorway. “You know… Yugi and I have never fought like this.”

Suddenly, the cafe seemed much smaller, and the people around them much louder. Seto looked at his coffee, the art had began to distort.

“Is that so?”

All of the text messages Yugi sent began to fly through Seto’s head, word for word, memories played back like old films. He knew this wouldn’t last, that pleasantries such as morning coffee downtown were meant for the kind, and Yugi was certainly kinder than he.

Because after all, Atem and Yugi were connected by an invisible string, two spools of yarn threaded by all that was bright. And Seto, he just existed. His soul had no object, it was as vague and invisible as science had always told him. But he always wanted to believe otherwise. The one in front of him was living proof that souls exist, how he shined decadently in everything he did. The only light Seto emitted was the one he created with his own hands, the small circuit connected to a bulb that he created when he was a child.

But nobody was impressed, it was only expected from him, nothing else.  

_He was a home to nobody._

_And oh, how he knew this, but he didn’t want Atem to leave._

“Seto?”

He shifted his scarf, drank his coffee. It was starting to get cold.

“I don’t get it.” He didn’t want to look at Atem, how his clothes looked on him. How Yugi’s jacket clinged to Atem’s body when he opened the front door last night. That stupid fucking scarf. “I don’t understand why you’re wasting your time telling me all of these affectionate things and giving me false hope.”

Atem reached to grab his hand. Seto leaned back and occupied his hands elsewhere, digging his nails pointlessly into porcelain. The mug didn’t give underneath the pressure. He thought about throwing it, about how beautiful it would look if it shattered on the wall.

“Seto, I…” He understood now. “I told you I meant everything I said. I wouldn’t lie to you. Yugi...” Atem paused.

He was scared of talking about him. About Yugi. And he nearly regretted it now, how much he let Seto unfold. Because, he wouldn’t say it, but _Gods_ , even after everything, he missed Yugi’s home. How he smiled. The smell of old furniture, the throw blanket on the couch. The broken TV. (But the candles terrified him.) The memories they shared, _the years they spent together,_ how Yugi had followed him into the dull recedes of his mind, into the past. How Atem had crawled his way into the present, and Yugi had found him in the grass, sunlight creating splotches through the filter of leaves.

But Seto,

_But Seto…_

He fought so hard against fate, he always had. And Yugi would always radiate warmth, _he was born to do so,_ and Seto was trying _so hard_ to create his own; a makeshift blanket for Atem to wrap himself in. And the tiny places where seams didn’t line up, the broken threads, _Atem loved all of it._

“I’m not leaving.”

Seto may have pretended not to hear him, sunglasses pointedly looking elsewhere as he drank lukewarm coffee.

“Seto-”

“ _What?”_ Seto shot back, his throat choking the sound of his voice.

“Let’s go.” Atem got up, bussed their table and grabbed Seto’s hand. He had apparently forgot paying for service was required and Seto had to hastily put money on the table as he left.

As they left, they heard one of the cafe baristas gasp, chattering to another co-worker.  

_“That man left a $100 bill on the table! My God!”_

Atem was walking fast, but Seto’s long legs allowed him to keep up just fine. But he was still frustrated, and attempted to dislodge his hand from Atem’s grip.

“I’m the CEO of one of the world’s largest corporations and just paid for your damn coffee, you don’t need to drag me about like a child.”

“Oh really?” Atem didn’t let go. “Your sunglasses fooled me, I thought I had gone on a coffee date with fucking Bandit Keith.”

Seto was trying to think of whether to respond with _“how you dare compare me to him,”_ or _“what, you don’t like my sunglasses?”_ when he was suddenly yanked to the side, nearly stumbling over Atem as he halted in an alleyway.

Lips were suddenly on his, Atem’s hands pressed onto his chest, Seto’s back against the bricks. Atem had laced his fingers beneath Seto’s scarf and was pulling him down to his height with ease, brushing his nails softly against his collarbones. Seto was barely moving, mouth playing along with the motions but he was mostly trying to figure out _what the fuck happened._

But then he felt Atem’s hand on his cheek, and he couldn’t remain still anymore. He felt everything through his hand, through the lips that he was starting to move against with meaning.

And he hoped they’d remain kissing forever, because he had almost forgotten what it felt like. Suddenly everything that happened the night before and this morning was real again.

They only thought to pull apart when they heard people walk by and mutter something in disgust.

“So what,” Seto spoke softly between breaths, lips still close to his, “the fuck was that for?”

“Because I figured I would follow your methods and kiss you first, talk second.”

Atem’s hands were slow and gentle, he took the sunglasses off of Seto’s face, and he didn’t break eye contact with him, even when the other tried to avert his gaze elsewhere.

“Seto, I understand that this has all been a lot to take in. These are new feelings for you, and they are for me as well. A _lot_ of things have been a first for me since... Yesterday. This has been a chaotic shitstorm of emotions, but it hasn’t all been bad, because calling your number and asking to stay the night was the best decision I have made so far. Yugi is still, and will always be incredibly important to me. _Hell,_ I don’t know what I would do without him, which is why I _hate_ that I left yesterday on such bad terms.” Atem tensed his neck, scratched at his arm. “I told him he made me sick and… other… not very nice things. It was probably… I can’t remember ever saying such unkind things to anyone that I care about. I was upset, but, he didn’t deserve such harsh treatment. He didn’t _mean_ to hurt me. But I was trying to hurt him.”

Seto huffed loudly and tapped his foot on the cement, Atem lighty stepped on it.

“But, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to leave you behind. What you’ve done for me, the efforts you’ve made… Seto, I… I don’t know how the future will be for me, for you, for anyone. All I know is that Yugi is irreplaceably important to me, and so are you. But, I think there's an infinite expanse you and I can walk on and discover, and I want to. I really do. I want to continue to live with you and talk over breakfast, and discover how to recover from the fallacies we both have underneath our skin that others would be too afraid to speak of. Please let me have this, but please understand that Yugi is still an eternally precious person in my life. Please.”

And time passed slowly then, as Seto refused to look the eyes that were burning fire into the side of his face. And he wanted to tell him, _he knew it would only be fair,_ that Yugi had texted him.

But he couldn’t.

And he didn’t.

He instead chose to kiss Atem once more, spun him around so it was his back against the wall now, hands just shy of sliding under his shirt.

And he knew, _oh he knew,_ that Atem was being sincere, and that he wouldn’t lie. And he didn’t want to, but in spite of all the kind words, he had never been as scared as he was now, no, not even in the past, in the face of death.

He kissed Atem’s lips one last time, hands falling to his sides.

“I… I know… you want to talk to Yugi. I understand. But…” He bit his lip. “It hasn’t even been a day yet. Maybe… if you wait a bit longer, things might go over better.”

Atem laughed without humor.

_It was time that destroyed everything after all, wasn’t it?_

“You’re right. I’ve got my entire life to figure this out. I just hope it will be a bit sooner than that.”

Atem rotated the pair of sunglasses in his hand between his fingers before putting them on Seto’s face.

“I like your sunglasses by the way.”

Seto smiled faintly, adjusted the glasses. “I like…” He froze, fingers scratching at his neck. “I like… your eyes.”

Atem grabbed his hand and led him out of the alleyway.

“You’re ridiculous.”

Seto liked holding his hand.

“You fell from the fucking sky yesterday.”

He kind of liked how short Atem was, how he was the perfect height for him to rest his head on his when they were standing close.

Not because it felt like he had trumped him somehow. It was because he loved the still foreign feeling of having someone.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: The beginning of this chapter is a dream with abstract depictions of death and injury.  
> Also warning for ...intimacy later on, I guess. 
> 
> Thank you as always! It has been almost a year since I started writing this story. Time really flies, doesn't it?

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

****

 

* * *

  

_Atem woke up to the sound of water seeping into the carpet of their bedroom, photographs floating on the thin layer of water that touched the beginning of every wall, only leaving once it found the sliding glass door. Water poured off the glossy wooden panels outside, a waterfall that kissed the grass noisily on their front lawn. Sounds of the bathtub running in the bathroom. Atem shifted his body out of the sheets and stepped into the cold, his feet wading through water and upturned polaroid photos. Pictures of he and Seto. Events that he knew had happened, but he didn’t remember them._

_The photos told stories. But he didn’t know the dates, the setting, their own clothing._

_But Seto, oh, how he was smiling. More than Atem was._

_He took a step, the water enveloped his seamless skin, oh how cold it was._

_He saw a photo float away in a small ripple, they were in another place. Somewhere in Europe, string lights so similar to the ones above their bed._

_There were tall candles floating above him, dripping and burning upside down. The candles melted like soft rain, bits of white were falling into the water below and hardening into tiny dots. He stumbled over the scrapbook full of photos, tiny decorations drifted by. He was careful not to step on the glass ones. The room was overwhelming with meaningful and meaningless objects, Atem knew nothing of their worth. What day it was._

_As he approached the bathroom door, the noise of the facet running became louder and the smell of flowers drifted from the walls. Fingers were shaking on the handle, it was like the wooden doors had skin pores, trails of rosewater running down the paint. He pushed against the door, a flood of water protested and rushed around him. The floral aroma was overwhelming now, more polaroid photographs visible than the water underneath. More memories that weren’t his._

_But there he was, oh, there he was,_

_In the bathtub where water was drooling over the curled porcelain rim._

_He saw his hair curling into small patterns of ringlets and waves at the water’s surface, hair that looked softer than it used to._

_And oh, so was he. His fingers curled around the edges of the bathtub, rivulets using the crevices in his hands as tunnels._

_But his hands were still as gorgeous as they always were._

_Atem stumbled over to the bathtub, all of the meaningful and meaningless items slowed his pace as they clumped around his ankles, clung to his skin like wet paint. He threw himself over the edge of the tub to turn the faucet off, pulling up the body underneath the water’s surface._

_Seto’s skin was softer than he remembered. He leaned back in the tub, pulled Seto to lay with his back against Atem’s chest._

_“Why?” Atem asked._

_But Seto didn’t move, his naked body was still. But the smell of flowers, it came from him. He could see rose petals flaking off of his skin and melting into the reflections below like thin shavings of the finest soaps, but the smell, it was so strong._

_Atem wrapped his arms around Seto and he could hear voices, their voices, events that hadn’t unfolded like Seto’s skin. Not yet._

_He held his hand._

_But he didn’t expect Seto’s hand to squeeze back gently, weakly._

_“Seto?”_

_“This home is not my own,” Seto’s voice seemed to come from every surface, and the water was so still. The ink on the photographs had seeped away from the images they held together, creating swirls of color on the surface of the flood._

_“I…” Atem wanted him to be okay. Seto’s skin was too soft. He felt that if he pressed too hard, the skin would push away as easy as the water all around them. Atem didn’t want to see his bones, see him unfold entirely.he wanted him to be protected by his own body. He was scared of holding his hand too hard._

_“This home is not my own,” Seto’s voice repeated through the walls again as he lifted himself from Atem’s chest._

_And Atem was terrified because so much of Seto’s back had melted onto his stomach, and he forgot that he was made of hot wax. He had hurt him because they were both crafted from the same substance that tore them apart, but oh, they could press together until they were one and the same, there was no better means to an end._

_Seto turned to face him. His face was peeling off in rose petals in the most decadent of ways, and they fell gently into the water that surrounded them. He lifted one of his gorgeous hands, rested it against Atem’s face._

_And Atem hated it, because he could feel Seto’s soft skin giving under the warmth of his cheek._

_Seto’s hair had curled around his shoulders, his neck, his back, and Atem watched how the rosewater ran over it, smoothed it, changed its design._

_“This… this is your home,” Atem said._

_The ink from the photographs had dripped up the walls, trails of color falling towards the ceiling._

_“Why?” Seto’s skin was dripping down Atem’s neck, it reminded him of candles left unattended._

_“Why… what?” Atem was afraid to ask. But he did. The smell, the floral smell was so strong, he wanted to scrub it away from his skin. But the flowers kept on peeling away from Seto._

_“Why did you let me drown inside of you?”_

_Atem was terrified. He didn’t answer his question._

_Seto spoke again._

_“This home is not my own. This home is your chest. Your flesh, it burns.”_

_Atem knew he was starting to panic, but as his heart beat faster the temperature of the water began to rise, and he could see Seto’s legs melting away. Beautiful crescents of pale wax. He was unfolding before him, petals revealing the most intimate and fragile parts of his core. It was too much, too much._

_Seto’s voice was sweet, he could breathe it in. The air was humid and heavy._

_“Your organs, your blood, they’re working too fast, don’t you see?”_

_Atem wanted to hold Seto’s hand. The only compensation he felt he was able to give. But he was too warm, and Seto was too cold._

_“Why did you let me drown inside of you?”_

_Atem thought he was crying, that they both were. He wasn’t sure when the room had flooded entirely, not a trace of air left. And he couldn’t breathe._

_But Seto, he was fine, his skin was rose petals and his voice was the walls._

_But Atem  could  not  breathe  and his body was too heavy to swim._

_The cold water was slowing down his movements._

_He wanted to scream, but he needed air to do so._

_“Why did you let me drown inside of you?”_

_‘I didn’t know,’ Atem wanted to say. But he was dying, probably._

_“Why couldn’t you leave me alone?”_

_Atem was sure the room was only filled with the rosewater from Seto’s skin and his own tears._

_‘I didn’t know this would happen,’ Atem shut his eyes. He didn’t want to look at Seto, because he was always looking at him and he felt guilty._

_“You destroyed my house, made it your own.”_

_Atem couldn’t speak anymore. He couldn’t see. He didn’t feel the water._

_“You destroyed my skin, made it your own.”_

_Atem was sure he was dead, that they both were. But he could still hear his voice. The walls were gone, the rosewater and tears carried in every direction infinitely._

_An abyss below, a void above._

_“You destroyed my heart,”_

_They were sinking,_

_“You destroyed my barriers,”_

_Sinking,_

_“Gave me love that destroyed every part of me,”_

_Sinking,_

_“You destroyed my house, made it your own.”_

_Somehow, he could feel Seto’s arms around him. And where he was expecting the smell of death and flowers, he smelled nothing. And he was not cold._

_“Why did you let me drown inside of you?”_

And Atem was screaming because the arms, he thought they were death, but when his eyes opened he realized he was no longer drowning in the bathroom but instead lying with his head in Seto’s lap. Seto’s arms wrapped around his body just like in the dream.

And Atem didn’t bother trying to say anything because he knew that he had most likely thrashed about as bad as last time.

And Seto wasn’t screaming, and he wasn’t panicking.

Or at least if he was, he was doing it quietly. Atem could feel his pulse against his skin, through layers of clothing that told him that it was still his second day since he began again, since he woke up in the forest.

If not for Seto’s scarf and the clothes he borrowed, he would have had no idea where he was.

No words were spoken for a while. Atem smelled garlic and spices. Cooked food.

They were in Seto’s living room, on his couch. A throw blanket tossed on the floor.

“Atem?”

He closed his eyes. _Why was this happening?_

Seto’s words were slow, careful.

“Is this a normal thing that happens to you?”

Atem hadn’t noticed he had been breathing so hard. That there were tears and sweat on his face again.

“No.”

Seto sighed.

“What… happened?” Atem asked.

Seto drew small designs on Atem’s shoulder with his thumb. “We got home from having coffee and shopping. We were going to cook something but you said you were tired.”

_I don’t remember._

“You decided to take a nap and I started making something, then you started screaming in your sleep again. It was just like this morning.”

_Why is there always something wrong?_

“Oh.”

Atem could hear in Seto’s voice that he was trying to be comforting, but it was so hard, so unpracticed.

“Do… you want to… talk about it?”

_Why is there always a catch?_

“I… don’t want to,” Atem’s voice was weak and it wavered.

_I just want to live_

“Okay. Is there anything I can do?”

Atem sat up. Elbows on his legs, he stared at the carpet.

“My dreams are terrifying and very… distorted. And…”

_‘You destroyed my house, made it your own.’_

“Seto?”

“Yes?”

Moments passed.

Atem felt his heart sink when he spoke next.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

_Are you okay with me?_

He heard Seto shift. That he tensed up, just slightly.

“Yes.”

_Am I hurting you?_

“Okay,” Atem replied quietly.

“....Are you?” Seto was looking at the floor.

Atem put his head in his hands, sighed.

 _‘Gave me love that destroyed every part of me,’_ _  
_ “Seto, I… I’m not a normal person. I don’t think… I don’t think that living with me will be easy. The dreams… my body, _fuck_ I don’t even remember us getting home from the store, I don’t have an identity, _I’m not even legally a fucking person,_ I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I don’t want to merely exist without a cause. I never have, there has _always_ been _something,_ a _purpose_ in my life _._ I don’t know what to do. And…”

Atem hated it, hated that he was feeling it now, _all of the anger and frustration that stirred the sleepy monsters in his collarbones, he could feel their soot fingers latch onto his bones like stable beams, tar stirred in the deepest parts of his stomach,_

“And you… you, you’re different. So was Yugi when I saw him. Everyone. It’s like... “ And he didn’t want to cry, wasn’t sure why he was. “It’s like you both just _fucking gave up_ on everything _.”_ He didn’t want to look at Seto’s face, see the monsters he created kill him like he did in his dreams.

“You… were the most ambitious and driven person I ever met. With your tournaments, your games, your words, you were a _hurricane_ of passion. Now, it seems like you don’t even fucking go _outside_ , let alone make new inventions and whatever else you used to do. And Yugi… he wasn’t as driven as you were but _fuck_ he wasn’t just rotting away in the game shop. Seto, it has only been two years, please tell me, _what the fuck happened,_ why is _everything_ different _?_ ”

Atem nearly fell over when Seto got up, he swore even the couch gave in with how harshly he rose.

And Seto glared at him, fists clenched at his sides. Teeth grinding.

“It was _you,_ Atem.”

The house felt small again, Atem knew the bathroom was upstairs. The porcelain, the tub. He wanted the pipes and beams that fed water to every faucet to fall on top of him, but they didn’t.

Seto’s shoulders sank.

“It was you,” he said quietly, now. “You don’t know. You have no _idea_ how much you changed everyone around you. You didn’t see it. Of course you didn’t, you’re too damn... _pure_ to notice how your genuine selflessness _shifted everything so much._ Because… because you were so _good_ , that when you left, _when you died,_ everyone fucking forgot what ‘good’ even was because you would have _dripped_ it everywhere if you could.”

Atem felt like he was sinking, just like the dream. And he wished he could, he wished he would break through the couch and just _drop_ until he felt the magma underneath.

Because he knew, _oh he knew._

“I… I didn’t mean to.”

Seto laughed. But he wasn’t smiling. “Of course you didn’t, that falls into the whole ‘you being good’ category. You’re like a tide that people love to swim in, but when the tide recedes, it’s too strong and everyone is drowning.”

And Seto knew what he said was harsh, _that it was true because Atem’s death had destroyed his passion, there was no one else to push him towards the sky,_ but he didn’t expect Atem to look so fucking _sad_.

And then he felt terrible, because he was foolish with his words, because Atem had just woken up from a personalized hell.

“I’m sorry,” Seto said, “Atem I’m sorry,”

( _But he didn’t say he didn’t mean what he said because he did, oh, how Atem’s departure broke them all,)_

And he sat next to Atem, rested his head against his, told him he was sorry again because he couldn’t fix this.

Quiet.

“You were in my dream.”

“Oh?” Seto was afraid to ask. Not with how loud Atem screamed in his sleep.

“You drowned in the bathtub. And, it was like … like we had been _everywhere,_ done _everything_ already. There were photographs of us floating all over. And… you eventually spoke through the walls, and you asked why I let you drown inside of me.”

Seto unfocused his eyes, terrified by all of the subtle meanings, terrified because he knew Atem’s mind was a higher consciousness. He didn’t want to know the rest of the dream. He didn’t want to learn any more truths.

_The photographs, the photographs_

So Seto chose to kiss him on the cheek instead and gently help him off the couch.

“Um…” Seto was trying to find something, anything for them to do. Anything that didn’t hurt.

“I made food if you want it.”

And Atem didn’t walk past the couch, gazed out the sliding glass door in the kitchen. Noticed how similar it was to the balcony door.

“Can… can we just…” Atem wanted everything that was human, he wanted to be taken somewhere else. Somewhere only the human parts of him knew. “Can we kiss for a bit?”

And Seto smiled softly, turned towards him. And Seto craved it too, craved feeling his skin and knowing Atem was alive, he could feel him, _Gods he wanted to feel him._ No hesitation when his hands slid under Atem’s shirt, when he felt every crevice and indent in his back, the small bumps of his spine.

“Of course,” Seto muttered, and they barely made it to the couch by the time Seto had discarded both of their shirts.

They were both breathing harshly, Atem wanted to cry but not because he was sad. He wanted to cry for _everything he had ever felt,_ and he wanted to press into Seto’s skin _hard_ because he was happy they weren’t made of wax, happy Seto couldn’t unfold.

So he did just that, he pulled Seto on top of him and lifted his thigh between Seto’s legs, let him roll his hips against him softly. And his breath was soft against Atem’s ear, his hands wandering around Atem’s chest, over the perks of his nipples, _Seto_ _appreciated the gold laced into every part of Atem’s skin, what the Gods had adorned him with._

It wasn’t long before clothes were kicked off, naked skin pressed together. Atem felt bad because his skin was still damp from the terror of his dreams, but Seto didn’t care. He just pressed his tongue against his, dragged his nails up Atem’s neck until they were cupping his jaw line, tangled in his hair.

They both had no idea why they were being so _loud_ , why they were tired of the barriers of skin. Why intimacy sounded _so good,_ why they wanted to become one _when they didn’t even understand what that meant._ So they let their voices echo against the high ceilings, let their moans be heard by _nobody else._

They settled on something odd, something desperate, and their hands wandered over each other's bodies until they found what could make skin glow from underneath.

Atem’s hand was wrapped around Seto’s length, pumping him at an angle that _barely worked_ but neither of them cared. Seto was gasping, breaths warm, and the couch was sticky with sweat beneath them.

Seto’s hand was around him too, and they both didn’t know what they were doing. Whether or not this was what _other_ people did, if there was something that felt better. But this felt alright, they felt okay. And Atem, he was moaning, so Seto kissed him and let the noises he made be consumed by his lungs. Atem’s body was new, it wasn’t used to the stimulation. _To anything at all._ So he climaxed unexpectedly, a choked cry into Seto’s mouth with legs clenching around Seto’s thighs. And he relaxed, never felt _anything better, never felt so fucking human._ He realized he forgot about the rhythm he had started with his hand on Seto, _he wanted him to feel alright because he deserved it,_ so after he caught his breath he asked Seto to flip on his back.

The angle was better, but he couldn’t kiss him _and_ focus on his work. So he spoke the language of old, ancient tongues against Seto’s skin. Worshipped his body and felt Seto’s breaths quicken until he too found _another place_ and lost himself in Atem’s hands, giving in and finding ecstasy in another’s affection. Harsh breathing, audible sighs that Atem _loved_ to hear because they were so _raw_ and Seto didn’t need to feel anything _but_ bliss. _He deserved bliss._  

They both remained there. Kissed shaking wet lips and collapsed in each other's embrace. Atem felt lips against his neck, soft kisses that continued until he lost count because they both felt so lazy now.

Lost track of the moments that passed.

Seto’s lips were still pressed against Atem’s neck when he curled his body around him under the blanket that he had wrapped around them at some point during the comedown, warm air rushing out from between them.

Atem shifted his back, regrettably so when the pleather surface of the couch stuck to him.

But they laid still, Seto’s lips still against his neck,

 _Still_ , and Atem knew the sun had gone down.

 _Still_ as he acknowledged it had been an entire day, at least 24 hours, the cycles of light and space, since he awoke in new skin.

And yet,

_Yet,_

  
  
  
  
  


_It had felt like a lifetime._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Seto.”

He felt warm breath against his skin still, against his neck.

“Seto.”

Atem shifted his arm, cursed the pleather couch, and patted Seto’s shoulder blades lightly.

“Huh?” Seto suddenly lifted his head, unaware he had dozed off.

Atem must have napped for a bit as well. There was no trace of the sunset left, only stars filled the empty spaces of windows.

“We should eat.”

Seto yawned, pulled the blankets closer to the tangled naked mess they created.

“Eh.”

“Also, why’d you grab the blanket? You’re all warm and sweaty.”

“So are you,” Seto grumbled against the crevice of his neck.

“What did you make?”

“Pasta.”

Atem groaned dramatically and threw his head back only to laugh when Seto slapped his chest.

“Don’t insult my food.”

“As long as it isn’t like… pasta with tomatoes or anything.”

_Stupid hangover, stupid leftovers. Yugi._

“I cooked it with olive oil and garlic. Some other minor spices and stuff. Is that good enough for you, milord?”

“Hmmm…”

“You’re a piece of work,” Seto flatted.

“Yes,” Atem peeled himself away from Seto and picked up his clothes from the floor. Only leaned down to kiss Seto’s forehead and adored that they both were made of skin and bone. No wax or flowers to be found. “And so are you.”


	29. Chapter 29

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

  

Dim light from the candles cast soft shadows over every object in the kitchen, Yugi stared at the wooden bird on the windowsill. He picked it up, turned to Joey.

“Let’s put this in the soup.”

“You’re a nut.” Joey rifled through the cabinets, disappointed when he found next to no spices. “Where did you even get that? I don’t remember you ever liking birds.”

Back on the shelf now, the bird casted shadows once more.

“I found it.” Yugi was wrapped in a blanket now, leaning against the counter.

The soup was aromatic, the best result from such a low budget grocery trip. The smell of oregano and shallots.

Joey stared into the pot, unsure of what to say. He knew what he _wanted_ to say, what he _should_ say, but he didn’t want to see Yugi fall apart again. And he hated this, because Yugi wasn’t always _this_ bad. He was actually starting to do okay, a stack of uneven blocks, before Atem fell _from the fucking sky apparently_ and toppled it all over. He turned the stew down to a simmer.

“Yugi…”

Knowing the tone, Yugi pretended to ignore him. Played with the frayed ends on the blanket.

“I think we should, or at least you should, go to bed early tonight, okay? I know that there isn’t really… a rational way to explain whatever the hell happened yesterday. I know you haven’t stopped hurting. But…” He turned to him. “You have to try and-”

“Try and _what_ , Joey? Get better?” Yugi smiled. But it wasn’t happy. “As if, as if I could snap my fingers and pretend that the person that I was _born_ to meet,” his voice was only getting louder, “the person I shared a space in my mind with, the person that tugs my fucking soul under waves, _yelling_ at me and telling me how fucking _disgusting_ and disappointing I am, never affected me at all?”

“Yugi,” Joey sighed, “that isn’t what I meant-”

“Oh,” Yugi laughed, “but it is. After he died, nothing interesting ever happened again, And you know what I realized? It was _him_ . It was all _him_ , you could have changed me out with _anyone,_ and the adventure of his life would have ended the same because _he_ was the amazing one who never stopped moving. And I realized how fucking worthless I am.”

“Damn it Yugi, I, I told you how you saved me. You saved _so_ many people. You saved _him,_ you fucking _won against him_ and gave him…”

Joey wanted to say peace, wanted to say death.

But here Atem was, roaming the earth with grass under his feet.

And then the lights went out and the cheap stove stopped heating the stew. The TV in the corner turned off.

Yugi was looking at his feet, at the dust on the ground.

And he had never sounded so broken, so honest.

_“I’m just so tired, Joey.”_

Joey sighed, leaned on the counter next to him. Ruffled Yugi’s hair softly.

They sat in silence. Joey saw lights from beyond the kitchen window.

“You didn’t pay the power bill, did you Yugi?”

“No.”

“How much money do you have?”

“None.”

“And your college savings?”

“Gone.”

Joey closed his eyes. Sighed.

“Let’s go to my apartment, we’ll wait for the soup to cool down and you can hold the pot in your lap while I drive.”

“Okay.”

“And then we’re gonna figure out how to get you working again, okay?”

“Okay.”

The car ride was silent, Yugi kept his eyes glued to the stainless steel in his lap, only averting his stare when they passed street lights. They casted shooting stars across the metal. And he knew he would return to the game shop eventually, to his childhood home. Where his grandfather had raised him and Atem had shared everything with him.

But,

He felt like he had left it behind. It made him feel terrible, but there was a sharp pain of _hope_ in the back of his neck. He thought, maybe, that he was finally understanding how to let go and move forward.

For the first time in years, he felt like he could be okay without having to pretend. And he knew, that when he felt okay, _that_ would be the time he would speak to Atem and mend the damages they had done.

 

* * *

 

 

_I thought you were fiction because I wrapped myself into printed letters and words like safety rings and blankets made of faith and assurance. Without eyes, without ears._

 

 

* * *

 

The dominoes fell all over the table, a few of them bouncing high in the air before falling on the floor and sliding under nearby furniture. Atem sighed, leaped off the barstool and began picking up the pieces. He had miraculously stacked them higher than he was tall, a small tower to the Heavens.

It had been almost two weeks now, since he had woken up. Since he fell asleep at Seto’s house that first night. Things had started to move normally, Seto would go to work early and come home in the afternoon. He had Sundays off and worked from home Monday mornings.

Last weekend wasn’t quite the adventure as the one before, but instead copious amounts of illegal paperwork. They spent it curled up in the office creating a new identification for Atem. Seto had only stepped out of the room a few times to make private phone calls. Although his voice was muffled by the walls, Atem could identify Seto’s cold business facade through the sound of his tone.

By the end of the weekend Atem had an ID, a name, and a cliche story from birth to present. But he still felt shitty and useless because he didn’t have a job, anyone to save, or anything to do. He helped Seto when he could, eventually asked if he could go with him to his job. They only did that once though, because Seto got too many questions from employees as to why there was a strange young adult walking with him, and more concerns when Atem had another unexpected nightmare.

_There were stacks of neat papers on Seto’s desk, an assortment of rulers and drafting tools to his right. A tablet, plans for a new Duel Disk scattered across a few monitors. It was sleeker in design, the model from Battle City days was starting to look dated. It had accents of red, spherical shapes. A smoother design._

_Atem was as brilliant of a thinker as he always had been. For an hour or so he was making quick calculations and helping in any way he could. And Seto wasn’t surprised when Atem processed his instructions instantly and began working like he had been an engineer all his life. He was always like this, and Seto admired that Atem would never realize it about himself._

_That Atem would never realize how beautiful of a gift he had; that he was a diamond._

_He was talking on the phone when he noticed Atem’s head bobbing where he was sitting across the desk, he had fallen asleep in the middle of writing out a formula. Seto smiled softly. By the time he had hung up the phone, Atem’s head was on the desk, snoring quietly. He lifted him from his chair as delicately as he could and set him on the couch._

_They were both used to it by now, Atem’s easy exhaustion. He slept almost as often as he was awake, and they both just let it be because they knew they couldn’t fix it. All Seto could hope for was that it didn’t mean anything, but oh, they both knew the dreams did. They didn’t talk about them. Even though the nightmares were less frequent now, all they did was hurt._

_An hour had passed by and Seto was idly writing emails, assigning tasks to different teams when he started hearing Atem’s quiet breaths fade into rotten rasps. Eventually, the inevitable screaming and terror._

_“Shit,” Seto whispered sharply to himself, taking quick strides across the office to Atem’s thrashing body. Of course he was worried about him, but he knew the panicked yelling would raise concern in the rest of the employees on the floor or below his office._

_He sat Atem up hastily, wrapped his arms around him. Atem’s eyes were shut tight and he was still screaming; louder now that he was moved abruptly._

_Seto was terrified, he wasn’t ready for he and Atem to flood all over tabloids, for rumors to spread globally about affairs and violence. He just needed Atem to stop screaming, and Gods he wouldn’t. And as much as he didn’t want to, because he wished he could help more but couldn’t, Seto held him closer with a hand firmly over Atem’s mouth to muffle the shrieking. If there were at home, he’d hold him until he stopped. But, Atem’s identification in the modern world was too fragile and Seto Kaiba’s reputation along with KaibaCorps could too easily be sabotaged if there were shrieks of agony coming from the CEO’s office._

_Seto sat like this for a while, face pained as he stared at nothing, whispering plea after plea for him to wake up. Atem protested against his hold, one hand eventually finding its way into Seto’s hair, tangling into a fist and pulling._

_“Damn it Atem,” Seto hissed, his other hand trying to dislodge fingers that were threatening to tear the hair from his head. Seto was about to start pinching him as hard as he could when Atem suddenly quieted, hands loosening and falling to his sides. Seto readjusted himself, rubbed his scalp where his hair follicles throbbed in annoying pain. Removed his hand from Atem’s mouth and felt terribly guilty._

_Atem woke, but neither of them spoke for a while. Seto leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees. Fingers laced, chin resting atop. Staring at the fake plant across the room. Atem catching his breath, still trying to steady himself._

_Seto eventually sighed, wrapped an arm around Atem’s shoulder blades, a hand reaching upwards to gently lean Atem’s head to rest on his shoulder._

_The phone on Seto’s desk rang. He didn’t move, nothing did. The ringing stopped a minute later and they were pressured by silence once more, the kind that bore into eardrums until they broke._

_“Seto, I’m so sorry,” Atem breathed, voice quiet and miserable._

_“No,” Seto exhaled. Closed his eyes. “Don’t be. I just thought… It’s been four days since your last nightmare. I thought maybe they’d stopped.”_

_Atem rubbed his palms into his eye sockets, trying to slow his beating heart, his harsh breathing. “Me too,” he replied, “me too. Did…” He couldn’t help but noticed how disheveled Seto’s hair was. He faintly remembered untangling his hand from it._

_“Did I hurt you?”_

_“No,” Seto smiled, but it was forced. “But, I have a large net worth. You’d have a hefty fine over your head if you ripped my hair out.”_

_Atem chuckled, but he wasn’t happy. He felt like crying, rather._

_“I’m sorry, Seto. I really am. This was a bad idea.”_

_And Seto didn’t reply, he just looked at his desk. The view of the sky past the large window._

_“Let’s go grab coffee from the cafe on the 15th floor and finish up for the day, okay?”_

_Atem nodded his head, smiled, but he felt so damn guilty. “Okay.”_

_Seto helped him up, smiled, but he felt so damn guilty. “Okay.”_

 

* * *

 

 

_Did_ _everything seem beautiful when you thought about letting go?_

 

 

* * *

 


	30. Chapter 30

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._  

 

* * *

 

_“Let’s go grab coffee from the cafe on the 15th floor and finish up for the day, okay?”_

_Atem nodded his head, smiled, but he felt so damn guilty._

_“Okay.”_

_Seto helped him up, smiled, but he felt so damn guilty._

_“Okay.”_

 

That was four days ago. They didn’t talk about it, but Atem knew Seto wouldn’t risk bringing him back to KaibaCorp for the sake of rumors and political status. He felt that the least he could do was sleep as much as he could while Seto was at work, keep things clean and occasionally snoop around and look through drawers. He wanted to be awake and happy when Seto saw him, he didn't want him to worry.

He had done everything he’d thought to do that day and was still picking up spilled dominoes off the floor. Everything was okay. He and Seto were happy and the world was fine. But of course, there was always the lingering thought in the back of his head.

_Yugi._

He still hadn’t spoken to him since that first day, heard anything at all. He was genuinely concerned now, but Seto seemed to nervously brush off the subject whenever he inquired. He was frustrated because he could read Seto so _easily_ now, and he knew he wasn’t being entirely honest with him. He was reaching under the couch for the last domino when he heard the front door unlock, the sound of shoes being discarded onto a rack and heavy steps.

“Atem?” Seto stretched his arms, combed his bangs back with his fingers. “Good afternoon, I was… what happened in here?”

Atem glanced up at him, a domino now in hand, still kneeling on his elbows with his back arched upwards, bent over on his knees.

“I, uh.” He sat up. “I found some dominoes and decided to stack them and they fell.”

“Well Gods,” Seto scratched his cheek, “they’re everywhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were touching the ceiling before.”

“No, I only got them to stack a bit taller than I am.”

“Okay, so they barely left the floor.”

“Watch it,” Atem grinned, “unless you want these things thrown at your face.”

Seto shrugged, pulled up a bar stool and rest his head on the counter. “Maybe later.”

Atem sat next to him, watched Seto’s eyes open lazily as he reached to comb his hand through his bangs. “You know, for having such wild hair your bangs are very soft.”

Atem rolled his eyes. “Just because my hair isn’t as straight as Joey and Tristan are doesn’t mean it’s not soft.”

“Holy shit,” Seto laughed. “That was awfully cold of you. I... think.” And he looked happy, but Atem didn’t need to _see_ him smile. It was all in his eyes, he saw how over the last two weeks, blues became lighter and the signs of constant exhaustion were starting to fade. Atem felt like he had traveled back in time, found Seto as a child and walked him to the future, widely avoiding KaibaCorp and Gozaburo in the process. He wanted to continue to walk with him, and he certainly would. But he knew Seto was starting to hold on too tight.

And inevitably, it could destroy both of them.

That, and Atem was starting to feel isolated. He had felt that way for _so long, for years and years,_ and if he had the choice to roam the world and speak on his own free will, he wanted to. He wanted so bad to be selfish. But he didn’t want to upset Seto now, not while his eyes blinded him.

“Do you want to go out for food?”

“Mmh,” Seto somewhat replied, “nah. Too many people.”

“Takeout?”

“Yeah.”

Atem stared at the tiny designs in the counter, decorative wine shelves on the wall. “It’s a little weird, isn’t it? It’s been two weeks and nothing detrimental happened, no having to save anyone, nothing.”

Seto looked at him, eyes barely opened. “I know. For the first year or so after you had left, I thought the world stopped when you did.”

Atem leaned his head on Seto’s shoulder. “But you kept on moving, and that is a wonderful thing.”

“Kept on moving, huh?”

“Yep.”

 

* * *

 

  

_I think I tripped and found myself tangled in you_

 

 

* * *

 

They soon found themselves curled up on the couch, plates of pasta (Seto was surprised Atem suggested it considering how disgusted he seemed with it the first night) sitting on the coffee table getting cold. Because, _because,_ the movie was too boring and they’d rather not explore fiction, but instead find themselves in another place. They were somewhere in between, Atem sitting in Seto’s lap wearing one of his oversized shirts and mid-calf socks, nothing else. Pants had long since been kicked off because changing into pajamas was just too hard sometimes.

Setos fingers were tracing over Atem’s back under his shirt, his sides, his spine, eventually his rear when he pressed his lips against Atem’s neck, loud and needy exhales from both of them. Seto lifted Atem slightly to slide his own underwear off and then pressed him down harshly. They were grinding idly as they both got used to the idea of _almost_ having sex, but not quite.

They were both just too nervous to go past the point of no return.

But nothing felt better than times like this,

When Atem brushed his lips on his jawline, just shy of his ear, and whispered Seto's name like it was as valuable and priceless as his own.

Seto moaned lightly when Atem’s gyrating hips danced on his nerves and sang a hymn through his body.

“Babe,” Seto sighed, “I-”

Suddenly Atem’s hips stopped moving, and there was no noise besides needy breaths. No expressions besides Seto’s confusion; and Atem’s eventual chuckle.

“Did you just… call me… babe?”

Seto’s neck tensed and he flinched back slightly. “I.” He swallowed. “I didn’t mean to. Slipped out.” And Atem grinned.

“Shut up,” Seto murmured as he pressed his lips to Atem’s, lips buzzing from the wine they drank earlier.

They each had only drank lightly, neither of them were as savvy for alcohol after the first disaster. But, it made sense now, why Atem got sick from drinking so easy. The new body never had a drop of alcohol in its short life of a few hours. Neither of them had planned for that, they didn’t know. A glass with dinner was the worst damage they did now.

Atem’s fingers dusted upwards from Seto’s neck into his hair and stayed there. Eyes closed, pressing harder because it would never be enough, not even if he bore right through him. But his thoughts, they began to race again and his movements slowed. They were covering the room in cold, and he couldn’t feel Seto’s skin anymore.

“Seto…” He knew it was the wrong time, that it would ruin all their contentedness but he _couldn’t_ ignore it anymore because he _didn’t_ want to press into Seto too hard. Because, if it all went up in flames, he wanted one of them to live.

He lowered his hands to Seto’s shoulders, pressed Seto into the couch gently, far enough to where their mouths couldn’t touch anymore. Seto’s eyes were flickering, trying to find an answer as to why they stopped on Atem’s face, but he found nothing.

“What’s wrong?”

Atem looked at Seto’s hands, grabbed them, brushed tiny designs with his thumbs. “Look…” he was scared, he didn’t want his words to damage the one he was touching hips with, the one he had gotten _so far_ with. And he was afraid he was going to destroy it all, but he knew, at least this once, that _he_ was in the right.

“I… Seto,” he looked at his eyes, held his hands. Sighed. “Seto, I need to talk to Yugi. Just to make sure he’s okay. I’m… worried about him.”

The hands retreated, and Seto looked more childish than Atem had ever seen. He looked to his left, neck tensed, lips tight. And he wouldn’t speak.

But Atem understood and wasn’t upset with him.

Atem reached for his hand again, “Seto, listen-”

“No,” Seto pushed the hand away lightly and instead lifted Atem off of his lap, and sat with arms crossed on his legs, toes pressed into the carpet. “No.”

The next question, the one he didn’t want to ask. But he needed to. “Seto, can I call him?”

And he saw Seto tense, and he looked at Atem _too_ quickly, as if he was a child caught in a lie. And it told Atem _everything_.

He swallowed nothing. “Seto, can I borrow your phone to text him and set up a time to see him?”

And he saw Seto’s eyes widen at nothing. “... Yeah, in a while.”

Atem’s brow furrowed, and he was angry he wasn’t _wrong_. “Why not now?”

Seto was absently rubbing at his cheekbones with slim fingers, and Atem swore his heart was beating so hard he could feel the couch move and hear the house shift. “Because…” He wound his fingers into his hair, nails firm against his scalp. _“Gods,_ Atem. I’m so sorry. Please don’t…” His shoulders sulked, and he looked like he had lost before he’d even spoke.

“I’m…” he laughed without humor. “I have never felt more weak against another person as I do to you, you know. Because I know there’s better things for you. I’m so… aware of it, that it changes my thought process to that of an infant. Which isn’t so far off, because I’ve never _felt_ like this about someone before. I’m so happy, and I’m always scared.”

Seto stared at his feet. Fingers laced, hovering in front of his face and muffling his words.

“Yugi has.... Tried to get in contact with me- with you- quite a few times. Over the last two weeks.” Seto closed his eyes, fingers pressed against his eyelids. “I know I’m being selfish, and… that you’ve already explained your intent. But I was still scared. I still am. So I didn’t… tell you. I just, I know it’s terrible of me but I just, I _don’t_ want you to leave. And he’s… _him,_ and I can’t… I can’t win against him. Not like this.”

Atem clenched his jaw, surprised at how… _angry_ he was when he didn’t want to be. “So, you didn’t trust me.”

Seto’s head sunk lower, he wanted to deny it, but he couldn’t. He felt shameful, put his clothes back on miserably.

Atem sat up, grabbed the dirty dishes from the coffee table. “When will you understand that I’m not only yours to keep, that everything can’t conform to your liking, Seto? I’m a _person,_ and this isn’t a game.”

Atem’s feet trailed to the kitchen, plates set down too harshly in the sink. “Here I am, living with you. I’m even _intimate_ with you, which is more than I’ve done with anyone. And yet, you deny me from speaking to the person who was closest to me in all of my time living here? My only other form of contact, my irreplaceable friend that housed my soul for years? Gods, Seto, it’s _Yugi._ ”

Atem didn’t walk back into the living room, but instead leaned against the counter. “Tell me, Seto, how is that fair at all? After how much I’ve tried to prove to you that I exclusively have affection for you? That I wouldn’t just up and leave you for Yugi, as much as you like to fantasize that idea? How could you place so much distrust in _me,_ and how can I trust _you_ now _?_ ”

And then there was silence. Seto hadn’t moved. Light thumps as Atem made his way out of the kitchen, towards the hallway.

“Wait,” Seto turned his body, got up and followed him.

“No.” Atem couldn’t stop thinking about Yugi’s face, how it _shattered when he had yelled at him_ , the smile when Yugi found him. His hair, how the wind tangled through it. When they were both younger, Yugi as a sophomore. When they raced through his memories, when they said goodbye. When the puzzle was smoldering in fire, how Yugi refused to let go.

“I’m going to bed.”

Louder now, Seto’s footsteps as he caught Atem’s arm gently.

“Wait,”  Seto repeated. “I… I know I made a mistake. I…” And Seto wanted to cry, aware that he had to ask _permission now,_ “can… Gods, _please..._ Can I hold your hand while we walk upstairs?” He wanted to _now_ , afraid he might not be able to again. “You can see the messages he sent, you can talk to him. My phone is in the room.” Seto felt like he was going to vomit, but all he wanted to do was hold Atem’s hand.

Atem turned to look at him, and Seto had never seen him look so disappointed, so unwanting of Seto’s presence. But Atem closed his eyes and held his hand anyways. They walked upstairs with no words, and the pathway to their shared bed never seemed more depressing.


	31. Chapter 31

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

  

The phone was there, on the nightstand. Atem picked it up; silence in the room except for the fountain. He sat down slowly, and Seto cursed the phone for illuminating Atem’s expressions way too well. _He looked so disappointed._ Seto was leaning against the doorway, head tilted towards the floor. He looked over at the bed the best he could from the angle, where Atem sat. He didn’t feel welcome being close to him.

Atem saw the messages icon and felt his heart sink when there were _so many_ unread texts from Yugi, and the other messages… they were _only_ business related.

_Seto kept in contact with noone._

Atem took a breath. He stilled himself for a few moments, and then opened Yugi’s texts the most recent ones seen first.

  


Yugi Muto 10:31 PM

**Please, Kaiba. I’ll never bother you again.**

**I’ll never text you, never call, anything.**

**Just please answer me.**

  


Yugi Muto 5:02 PM

**I can’t keep on doing this. I know you don’t**

**care about how I feel, or even Atem at this**

**point. This isn’t fair to me or him, only**

**to you. And, if Atem really doesn’t want**

**to speak to me and that’s the reason why**

**you’re not answering me, I need to hear it**

**from him. I’m not doing okay. And I’m worried.**

 

Yugi Muto 11:45 AM

**Kaiba, I really need you not to do this right**

**now. This is really important to me, and I’m**

**honestly starting to get worried if Atem is**

**okay or not. Nobody knows but you.**

**Please answer.**

 

Yugi Muto 5:02 PM

**I’ve tried calling you a few times now,**

**Kaiba this is really important. If Atem doesn’t**

**want to talk, that’s fine, but I need to hear it**

**from him.**

 

Yugi Muto 3:05 PM

**Hey, did you get my last text?**

 

Yugi Muto 10:23 AM

**Hey. I know that things aren’t really good**

**right now between us, but… I think I need**

**to talk to Atem. He really means alot to me**

**you know, and… I know you two are probably**

**pretty close by now. But I just have to**

**apologize to him. I miss him. And I miss you**

**too, and everyone wants to see him. And**

**You.**

 

Yugi Muto 2:21 PM

**I’m so glad. Thank you. Really.**

 

Yugi Muto 9:34 AM

**Did Atem make it okay?**

 

There was more, but Atem didn’t look. He instead held his hand over his mouth, felt it was the only way to not cry out at the pangs in his heart. _Yugi was okay,_ Yugi was trying to reach out to him, after all this time. After all he had said. The daggers Atem wounded him with. And oh, _oh Gods, how he missed him._

And he was so upset with Seto. But he wouldn’t get angry with him. He wouldn’t yell. He knew how detrimental that could be, how good it felt and the _damage it left._ Instead, he sat up from the bed and walked out to the balcony with the phone. He didn’t want to look behind him, he didn’t want to see Seto’s face. He looked at the phone, the number presented before him. It was _so_ frigid out, but he didn’t care. Legs shaking against the cold. He thought it might snow, the way the clouds rolled in waves like grey sheets. Stars visible underneath. He held the phone to his cheek and closed his eyes. Felt lightness in his heart, golden strings of yarn that coiled around his waist and kept him warm.

 

* * *

 

Yugi’s cheek was in his palm, eyes drifting in and out of focus as he filled out application after application. He was pained with regret and loss when he realized he had given up his dream of carrying on his grandfather’s business in the game shop. He knew that it was too late, that he had no money to invest in merchandise, let alone the power bill. He had a few chances at places close by, but _damn it_ he was hoping for the tea shop. He sighed, pressed his finger on his phone to check the time. Nearly midnight.

But he wasn’t expecting the screen to illuminate with Kaiba’s name and he swiped the phone off the table. He watched the phone bounce a few times before sliding to the wall, now vibrating against the fake tiles on the floor. He stared at it, watched it shake around a bit before stumbling over to it.

The phone shook in his hands, and he couldn’t stop looking at the name. He lifted the phone to his cheek, answered the call before it would eventually stop ringing.

And the fluttering in his stomach, _feathers and icy ropes_ , his insides were screaming. _And his heart,_ the strings were tight around his heart and he felt the thumping of his chest against his sweater.

“H… Hello?” His teeth were chattering, he was _so fucking anxious._

“Yugi?”

And Yugi thought he was going to faint, he was smiling so hard he felt the muscles in his neck try to break through his skin. He held his phone to his ear with both hands now, pacing around Joey’s kitchen.

“Yes? Oh, Atem, hi. _Hi,_ I’m so happy to hear your voice. I, I’m so sorry, about everything, I’ve been trying to call and call but I didn’t get an answer and I just-”

“Yugi, it’s okay. I’m okay.” And Atem’s voice was so sincere, and Yugi knew. He also knew he was going to start crying, but it was okay this time. “Listen, Yugi.” Atem’s voice was wavering, and he could hear the breeze distorting the phone’s audio.

“Gods, Atem are you _outside?_ It’s late and it’s _Winter._ Did Kaiba leave you somewhere, or-”

“No,” Atem interjected, “no. I just stepped out to make the call. We got into an argument.”

“Oh,” and then suddenly Yugi wasn’t happy anymore. He remembered now, that Atem and Seto had spent the last two weeks living together. How they must have talked, and the things they’ve probably done. _It fucking hurt,_ because he wished he had spent that time with him. “Are you guys, um…” He started chewing on his thumbnail. “Are you, are _you_ okay?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry if I worried you.” The phone was silent with only static between them, and Yugi was about to speak again when Atem did. “Yugi I need to see you. I…” A sigh. _“I’m so sorry,_ Gods, Yugi, I’m so sorry I yelled at you and said those things. I was angry which is no excuse, but I didn’t mean any of those hurtful things I said. I’m so sorry.” Another sigh. “I’m so sorry.”

Yugi wanted to tell him that it was okay, but his throat was so constricted by overwhelming emotional relief that he couldn’t speak.

“You’re my… no, you’ll always be my irreplaceable partner, Yugi. Nothing will ever change that.” Yugi was sitting on the floor now, head leaning against the wall, eyes on the ceiling as he smiled harder than he thought he ever would again.

“Thank you,” Yugi whispered, voice weak. “Thank you. You’re my...” He was sobbing now. “You’re my irreplaceable… partner,” _why did that word hurt,_ “too, Atem.”

 

“Could we maybe see each other on…” Atem gripped the ledge of the balcony. Seto’s weekend started tomorrow. And after all of this, he’d rather not have Seto spend it alone in his thoughts. “How does Tuesday at noon sound?” The line was silent, and he could almost hear Yugi’s disappointment, but he didn’t need to. He could feel it.

“I know it’s a little far, but… I want to make sure everything… goes right.” He laughed weakly. “No rushing this time.”

He heard Yugi laugh, but it  came out more as a choked sob and a cough. “Yeah… no rushing. I’m still… I’m still sorry. I did something really stupid, Atem. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

Atem smiled. “Save the apologies for Tuesday.”

Yugi giggled, a small sniffle. “Says you. ...Okay, Atem. I’ll see you then. Where should we meet?”

Atem closed his eyes, saw Yugi’s face. Thought of their walk home, Yugi’s voice. Promises of plans they made. Plans that evaporated into dust. “How about that tea shop you told me about?”

“Okay. I’m a bit short on money, but I’ll see if I can… get a cup out of pity.”

“Don’t worry,” Atem said, shifting the phone to his other ear. “I’m sure we’ll find some money somewhere. I could play a game of poker for money, or something.”

“Sure,” Yugi snorted. “Poker at the teahouse. We’ll see.”

Birds flew off the front gate and they dispersed into the trees. And suddenly it didn’t seem so cold outside anymore, though Atem was shivering.

A bit of silence.

“Bye, Yugi.”

“See you later,  oth- ...Atem.”

Atem folded his arms, leaned against the cold bars. Watched the wind blow before he felt his toes start to sting from the cold. He sighed, and turned towards the door and went back inside.

The first thing he noticed was the sound of the bathtub running and his heart started racing. He knew he had no reason to be fearful, the dreams were something else. _It’s just the bath, it’s just the bath._ But for some reason, he felt he would find Seto dead, tub overflowing with flowers. But he didn’t smell rosewater, only the slightly minty smell of Seto’s bubblebath.

He opened the door to the bathroom slowly, yet Seto still tensed in the tub, palms immediately rubbing at his eye sockets. “Hey,” Seto said quickly, turning his head towards the wall, away from everything.

And Atem had to smile, just barely. _Gods, he was so soft._

“Hey,” Atem murmured as he approached the bathtub, and knelt next to it. “Look at me, please.”

“How’d the call go-”

“Seto, look at me.”

Seto huffed, looked at Atem with puffy eyes; reddened nose, lips, and cheeks. “What? Yes, I know I’m crying and I don’t want to be-”

And he was cut off with lips, Atem wrapping his arms around the other man, his fingers laced through wet hair, his other hand on Seto’s cheek. Seto inhaled sharply, and Atem felt the air leave his own. He sat back for a moment before discarding the shirt and socks he was wearing, plopping into the tub without grace, water sloshing over the edges.

“What the hell are you-” and Seto was cut off by the mouth on his neck, and he replaced his words with small vocal sighs. Hands started pulling Atem’s thighs closer, until he was sitting on his lap, nearly a continuation of earlier that night before everything broke. Atem let his lips drag on Seto’s skin, a hand tilting Seto’s head down slightly and he placed a chaste kiss on his forehead, the sudden feverish craving of intimacy being pushed aside.

“I’m trying to prove to you, Seto, that I’m not leaving.” He chuckled quietly. “For the unteenth time.”

Seto brought his fingers to his eyelids and rubbed small circles onto them, knees shifting. “I’m sorry-”

And there was a finger on his lips.

“Listen,” Atem declared softly. “I’m going to stay here. But… Seto, you really need to… try and put a little more faith in me, and yourself. You’ve really been skittish and lacking in confidence around me lately. I just…” Atem held one of Seto’s idle hands now, gorgeous fingers just above the water’s surface. “I need you to try. I’m still upset that you _lied_ to me for two weeks, but I believe in redemption. All I ask is that you stop leaving Yugi in the dark, and you let me know if he’s trying to talk to me. Because…” Atem smiled softly. “If you really do like me, and you assume I carry the same affection, you’ll believe me when I say you’re the only one I want this kind of… bond with. Okay?”

“Okay,” Seto breathed. And it was quiet. “You’re cleaning up the floor though, you got water everywhere.”

Atem closed his eyes and smiled, cheek pressed against Seto’s chest. “Mhmmm.”


	32. Chapter 32

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

Another dreamless night, and they couldn’t be more thankful. Atem felt the sun touch every corner of the room, everything looked silver. It was bright and early. He looked at the balcony window, saw nothing but bright overcast and birds. Seto was absent from the bed, but it wasn’t unusual. He was always up first. He stretched himself out, suddenly shocked out of his yawn when his foot pushed something off the bed and onto the floor.

Pushing the sheets off of himself, he stretched once more as he assessed the damage of whatever fell. _Huh._ It was a shoe, the other was still sitting at the foot of the bed. Along with it, a neatly folded hoodie, a faded shirt, and some… really airy looking shorts.

_Exercise… clothes?_

“Oh, you’re up early.” Seto pushed the door open with his shoulder, a small table in his hands.

“Early,” Atem scoffed. It was early for _Atem_ , but not for anyone else. He hardly woke up before noon, regardless of when he fell asleep the night before. He knew Seto’s words were innocent, but he _hated_ how worthless he felt. Atem wanted to watch the world with wide eyes and step his foot in every crevice he could find. He was alive and he was well, but he could barely last a few hours on any excursion Seto took him on before he started to drift while standing.

If the world chose _now_ as a good time to be in peril, Atem knew he couldn’t help. And he fucking hated it. Yugi and Seto… They both seemed so fragile now.

All three of them, they were all too weak.

 _The burdens of all lives fell onto them like thick lead paint,_ and now their shoulders were tired. None of them had the strength to live as they used to. But what pissed Atem off the most, is that he _wanted_ to help, he wanted to thrive, but it was like his brain and his soul were trying to kill him one last time. But the others, they could do it, _damn it, they could._

But they didn’t.

“Sorry,” Seto set the tray on top of Atem’s lap, “I didn’t mean to insult.”

Atem stared at the arrangement below him. _Holy shit._ Seto had made him an array of breakfast items, fruits, breads, all of it arranged beautifully by hand.

Seto smiled sheepishly. Atem almost laughed, the smile looked painful.

“I know I was kind of… not great yesterday.”

“No, it was something you weren’t being great about since I got here.” Atem picked up a strawberry for himself and spared another for Seto, who had laid with his back against the headboard as carefully as he could without the food spilling everywhere.

“Yeah. Right. Well, I, uh…” Seto pursed his lips. “Breakfast.”

Atem chuckled. Seto could be so… _Gods_ , he couldn't describe it, but he loved it. _He adored him._ “Yes, breakfast. Thank you. That was very thoughtful.”

Seto lightly tapped his feet against Atem’s, sighed. He seemed to have a different design on his socks every morning. “It’s still decent weather out right now. I usually go earlier in the day, but, I’m going jogging after this. If you want to go with me.”

Atem smiled and picked at a piece of bread. Maybe this could help, maybe if he started going out and exercising he wouldn’t feel so damn tired all the time anymore.

“Yeah. Sounds good.”

But part of him just wanted Seto to stay in bed, because times like this were his favorite. He loved how content Seto looked in the midday light, how the colors from beyond the glass caught on his eyelashes. He felt so lucky that he could touch his skin, saw parts of him that no one else did.

Atem curled forward, hands wrapping around the tea mug on the tray. It smelled like flowers.

“You know… Seto, I really do appreciate everything you’ve done. I do.”

And Seto looked so complacent.

“Yeah.”

Atem knew that Seto’s property extended farther than he could see, but he hadn’t gave it much thought until they were both outside, goosebumps on their skin from the Winter air. A small pathway wound behind the house, and dew clung onto everything that was alive. Atem wondered how he maintained the path all by himself, it looked well kept. Gravel that disappeared into pines.

“It’s cold as fuck out here,” Atem whined. He bounced back and forth between each of his heels slightly, if he stood still for too long he was sure he’d turn around and go back inside.

Seto curved his spine backwards as his arms stretched high in the air, and Atem had never seen him look so happy.

Well, he had seen him look better, but Seto never looked so glad to share the motions of his ordinary days with him.

He thought Seto was happiest now, because his lips were upturned in a smile _so subtly._

_And Seto didn’t even know it._

Atem thought that must be what ‘happy’ really was.

“It’ll be easier once you get started.” Seto bent down, fingers gripping below the front of his shoes in another stretch. “Honestly, I don’t stay in shape like I used to,” he chuckled. “Not like the days when we were jumping from buildings and running around and all that. I feel like I’m retired or something.”

Atem fixated his eyes on a leaf that had been eaten by tiny insects. “Yeah.” _Retired._

Gravel crunched underneath Seto’s shoes, and Atem looked at the backs of his knees as he walked forward.

“Let’s go.”

Atem tried to smile. “Okay.”

They walked for a while, only talked a little bit. Atem was too distracted by how much he loved the pathway, how much he wanted to wander from it and get lost.

Eventually Seto tapped his arm, and they started to jog.

There was something about it that felt so relaxing, but he wasn’t sure what. It might’ve been the rhythmic sound of Seto’s inhales and exhales with every step, it might’ve been the birds.

But there was another part that hurt. Atem could tell Seto was jogging slower than normal so they didn’t stray too far apart, he knew Atem was struggling.

But _Gods, it hurt, it hurt._ And Seto didn’t know how much, and he kept on going. It didn’t take long for the cold air to feel like daggers in Atem’s lungs, the breeze was needles on his ears and hands. His lungs, _his lungs._ But he wanted to try.

They passed a turn, and Atem wanted to catch his breath, or he was sure he was going to collapse. “Hh, hey,” Atem spoke against the frigid air, and the frigid air bit him back. He grabbed Seto’s arm, and they came to a slow stop.

“Doing alright?” Seto breathed, hands on his knees.

Atem nodded quickly, eyes shut. But he didn’t look okay. _Maybe I’m just out of shape._

He wanted to believe that, but he was sure the path was trying to kill him. He just wanted to breathe, but oxygen never felt so threatening and his heart shook his body.

Seto caught on, and held Atem’s hands. And holy _shit_ they were cold.

“Fuck, I should’ve brought you a jacket. I’m sorry.”

Atem was still heaving for air, and they stood there for a bit, both of them just… waiting. It was concerning to both of them, how absolutely _defeated_ Atem was by a short run. He would’ve responded, but just staying upright was enough of a task.

“We’ll walk back, okay?” Seto asked. Atem simply nodded, and it looked so painful. His body was shaking and his teeth were chattering uncontrollably.

Seto sighed, and wrapped both of his arms around him as they walked and sacrificed his comfort by guiding Atem’s hands inside of his shirt for warmth.

 _“Shit,”_ Seto winced, “your hands are fucking _freezing.”_ And he didn’t want to say anything, but he knew enough about bodies to know Atem’s circulation had almost entirely failed him.

Atem shrugged. “I’m,” he paused to cough when his throat burned, “I’m doing okay. F-fine. Never better.”

“I’ll start a hot shower when we get back.”

The house had started to come into view past the treetops.

“Yeah,” Atem sighed, “if I can fucking st,” _try again,_ “if I can fucking stand in it. I might fall over, honestly.”

And Seto felt bad. He felt like he had hurt him, that it was his fault.

He shut his eyes.

_I just wanted to help._

_No matter what I do,_

_I feel like I’m hurting him._

The walk back was quiet, except for the sound of breaths and gravel.

And the sun started to warm the trees when Atem stepped into the grass.

Atem decided against a bath when Seto offered, he still felt that death poured from the faucet. “I think I’m okay to take a shower. Take one with me, then we both won’t be sweaty and cold.” Atem had wrapped a blanket around himself, a careful balance to not get it wet as he turned on the shower. “Also that way, if I like, die or something you’ll know at least.”

“That’s a little dark,” Seto said, pulling his shirt off and gently taking the blanket away from Atem. He didn’t want to upset him. “But okay.”

Atem slid the glass door open, and waited. He was amused watching Seto, how he still curled in on himself a bit when he undressed. Still so nervous.

And the water never felt better on his skin, it held him.

Seto stepped past him and didn’t say anything. His eyes were downcast, and the water pressed his hair to his skin.

Things felt different, but Atem knew why. He wanted Seto to be as strong as he had remembered, but if he had been, Atem was sure he would have went back to Yugi’s days ago.

“Seto?”

“Hm?”

“I…  I’ve been upset over some of the things you’ve done, but I understand you are trying so _damn hard_ to rebuild yourself and be good to me.”

Seto didn’t respond. But he smiled just slightly.

“I mean that. I… I…” And he wanted to say words he that didn’t understand the collateral of.

“I think you’re…” _Atem felt so fucking silly._ “Great.”

Seto laughed, a short exhale as he reached for the shampoo. “Yeah. You’re great too. Maybe I’ll try being mean again, yeah?”

“Please no,” Atem replied playfully, stepping closer to the other. Wrapped his arms around Seto’s lower waist. “I like you better this way.” His hands graced warm skin, and they got lost in the downpour for longer than they planned. Hands brushing against porcelain and rain trailing down the outlines of their bones.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty heavy.  
> Warnings for: Mild depiction of gore, a nightmare about Atem's death during the first battle with Zorc (therefore... vaguely canonical character death kind of)  
> As well as an unintentional attempt at suicide due to hysteria/night terrors.  
> All that being said, the positive support is still much appreciated.  
> Thank you.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_He woke in liquid ice, too cold, too still to be water. But he could move, everything moved slowly. And there was sand swirling around him, between him and the barrier. But everything, everything was blue._

_Shades of blue, even his skin. The gold that adorned him, yes, he was wearing the gold of his ancestors. His rings, gifts from those who followed him. Who worshipped him. The winged crown, golden feathers that shifted slightly in the ice. A gift from his father. The golden ringlets that wrapped around his waist, held him together at his core. A gift from his mother._

_And the sand, how it shined like diamonds turned to dust. But there was a barrier there, and he could see trees on the other side. And the leaves, the flowers had just bloomed. It was spring. But they were blue. He wasn’t sure, wasn’t sure if the other side contained a wider array of colors, or if he was blind to all that wasn’t blue and light. And he was floating in space, an endless floor beneath him. But above, there were candles. Tall candles that dripped downwards, tiny dots of wax that floated like the diamond dust, bursting into nothingness.  And he put his hands on the barrier, and the gold from his rings, from his skin, it seeped through to the other side. And he felt warmth in the ice, in his hands. In his heart. And the gold dust shifted, drifted away from the diamond, and a silhouette was born beyond the barrier. And he had never seen the details of her fingerprints before. But he knew them, they were home. He wanted to walk through them like he walked through the palace gardens with his father._

_But they were soft, and his stomach was warm now too. He could see his skin glowing, he felt fire. But it was blue, it was all blue. But she was not._

_She was gold._

_And then he knew, an unspoken confirmation,_

_That this woman was his mother._

_“Atem, child,” her hands felt so close but, the barrier. He wanted the hand to touch his face. She couldn’t because he was in the dust._

_“I remember you in life,_

_when I gave birth to you, the entire kingdom cried tears of hope._

_And you were filled with so much light and good,_

_that everyone cried too much and I was swept away and I drowned.”_

_Atem bit his lip, frightened, because he had never heard the story but he knew it as the truth. “Mother, I didn’t…” His body was floating, he felt his chest rise and fall back, rotating slowly. “I didn’t mean to. I would never want that.”_

_“Oh, but it happened.” Her fingers touched the barrier so softly, delicately, and the gold began to seep in with tiny rivulets that curled into intricate designs of old. “But I was okay, because I knew I would see my child in decades to come.”_

_And suddenly the adorning gold, the precious metal gifts on Atem’s body, they began to hurt. The golden ringlets on his neck, they began to burn. The feathers of Ra tha adorned his head, how the talon shaped hooks on his cheekbones began to dig into his skin. And the golden ringlets on his torso, they no longer held the warmth of his mother, but the heat of death and revolt. The gold on his calves, so much pain, he had never been more afraid of the identifiers of Godship._

_“But you never came, I waited 100 years and you never came home.”_

_He knew his skin was smoldering now, melting wax. He wanted to scream but there was no oxygen- the air was dust and ice. And he made the mistake of blinking._

_“I waited 200 years and you never came.” It was his father speaking now, glowing in gold. Atem couldn’t stop crying, the tears tamed his burning skin. He realized how cold he was._

_“I waited 300 years and you never came, great leader of us all.” He heard a thousand, a million voices of generations before and past him, and he wished he had never been born into kingship._

_“I waited 1,000 years, my friend, and you never came.” He could hear both Mahad and Mana now, but he closed his eyes. He was scared, drifting slowly. And he was starting to burn again because he refused to see._

_“I waited 3,000 years, my ally, my friend at the end, and you never came.” Atem’s eyes opened against his will, because the voice was so familiar to him now. It was Seto of his past. And he saw everything through his eyes._

_He saw himself, wearing the clothing of his ancestors. Standing proud in the bloody sand._

_“My lord, please reconsider! This is suicide in vain, Egypt will be in turmoil without our King!”_

_But Seto was making excuses as the giant tar hands of death reached towards them both from the skies. Eyes that shined red, like the fresh wounds on Atem’s body._

_The reflection the sun casted on his hair,_

_His burning pupils,_

_The blood that adorned his skin, he was bleeding everywhere._

_“Seto, you and I both know that Egypt will be in ruins if I stand down. He will kill us now, and the rest after.”_

_Atem was clenching the rope that wound around the Millennium Pendant to his chest._

_It was indeed an artifact cursed with the same agony as the bones and skin it was forged from. Within it was the ultimate of trump cards, the last of last resorts. The Millennium Rod could extract the Ka of many, but the cost was minimal. The Pendant was different, it could capture the soul of any life form without protest, but at a hefty price. The soul of the user and their passage to the afterlife was the cost._

_And like a spirit within a shrine, the soul of the captured and the soul of the fool that used such holy privileges will be banished to an endless current between life and death._

_No peace, no release,_

_Just feelings of nothingness and woe._

_A worse fate than death because it never came._

_Zorc roared something foul in a language that neither could understand, and Atem felt his body start to give. He couldn’t feel the gash on the side of his leg anymore, he was bleeding to death._

_He still smiled. “But you, Seto, you will be their leader. You will plant the seeds of the future, yes, you will. You will run from here.”_

_Seto took a step closer, a hand on Atem’s arm now. Holding imperfect skin tight. “My lord, I cannot-”_

_“Seto, I am dying. My Ba is almost entirely depleted, and I can barely find the strength to stand.” And it was true. He should’ve been a corpse in the sand much sooner, but he supposed it was the presence of someone else, of Seto, that held him upright._

_“Seto… I’m going to perish, regardless of the outcome of this war. Please, let me do this.”_

_Seto was quiet._

_“As Pharaoh, I command you to run.”_  
_Seto let go of imperfect skin and Atem fell forward just slightly, his vision started to blur. Seto was his lifeline, now he was weak and alone._  
_“...As your friend, I plead with you to run.”_  
_Seto was pained, he hated witnessing such an undeserved and wasted casualty. He almost wished that Zorc was closer, that Zorc was quicker and would kill them both. Then, he wouldn’t have to see. He wouldn’t have to remember, because they’d leave together. But Atem wouldn’t like that._  
_Seto started to speak, but he couldn’t form the words. He chose to do the kindest favor he had ever done, and leave Atem to die._ _  
_ But he was foolish, and he didn’t stop looking back when he started to flee.

 _Zorc breathed thick smoke through his teeth and his unholy eyes locked on Seto as he ran._  
_Atem shouted something. He recited words that Seto didn’t understand, and in the end Atem didn’t either._  
_Pendant shined regardless, and Atem collapsed onto one knee._ _  
_ “You fool!” Zorc’s voice erupted over the skies, and finally his cursed arm swung at the brittle human in the sand. But the claws, they missed Atem’s head because he had fallen over. His body was still, a home to noone.

_Seto watched as the body sank itself into the sand with its weight. Zorc’s grotesque form began to fall, flaking off in pieces of shrieking charcoal. The sand was stained black, a sea of tar. The rest floated away in the wind._

_But through it all, Atem’s body remained._

_He was a human, afterall._

_Seto tripped and slid down the sand, disordered movements like a child learning fear for the first time. He fell by its side, to the side of the body._

_Through the blowing sand and remnants of death, pieces of the Pendant shined around them. Tiny puzzle pieces._

_It was stupid really, ironic, that Atem loved games as much as he did._

_Because he became what he loved, and lived a life that was nothing more than a toy to fate._

_Seto brushed his thumb over the wedjat on its crown, there was blood leaking from underneath. A tiny trail that became lost in the curve of the body’s cheekbones, where it flaked off near its chin. There were scars everywhere, and seeing it up close..._

_The body was ugly._

_Littered with bruises and blood, imperfections because the skin was too dry. That slight curve on the right side of its lip. Blood caked on the side of its mouth, Seto knew there were a few teeth missing._

_Seto was angry._

_Seto abhorred fate. The Gods._

_Then, he wished the universe would die._

_He had inherited the holy privileges the body left behind,_

_And now he spoke words so powerful they became truth._

_Just like the spirit in the shattered Pendant._

_Just like the former soul of the body._

_And he wished it, wished it as he moved his fingers over the body’s browline,and stared into its dull, dull red eyes._

_As dull as the blood all around them._

_As dark as the cinders._

_Seto felt rotten, his soul was decaying like the corpse. He watched the truth unfold as the sun disk above burned brighter, and the clouds circled around._

_“This is your fault,” he said to the corpse, as the clouds dripped down to the Earth like white wax. It melted the sand and it destroyed the Nile._

_“You think you’re selfless,” the wax was covering the sand, the Earth, “but you are not. Because of you, you flawed corpse,” the wax singed the hair off of his skin, “we are going to hold hands and end it all.”_

_The candle in the sky ran out of wax and the wick was thin. The sun fell from the burnt string, and the sky was starting to go dark. But there were no stars._

_“You are no God, corpse.”_

_The flame was too close and the world was starting to melt. Everything was on fire. The body was disgusting now, burnt and spent._

_“You are as cursed as the screaming hundreds of souls you sleep with now.”_

_And the body was nothing but burning flesh, and Seto’s teeth shined around his bubbling lips._

_“You are no God.”_

 

And Atem pushed away from the arms that held him, he knew they contained safety, but he was frightened and wanted to run to a certain death. His feet carried him to the edge of the room. He could hardly see, but he felt the handle of the sliding glass door.

He needed to apologize to Seto, to his mother. To his father, and every unfortunate life that had crossed ties with him. He yanked at the handle, but someone’s hands grabbed his arms.

Atem screamed, elbowed the offending body behind him and pushed the glass door open.

_He was so close, so close to touching the stars_

“Atem, what the fuck are you doing?!”

It was Seto’s voice. It sounded the same as his friend of old, but the way they both spoke, oh how it was different. Different tone, different tongue.

And he was crying, sweating, his hands found grip around the metal bars of the balcony. Sobbing, screaming. _His face was so pained it looked like he was happy,_

And he hoisted one leg over the edge.

He was so close, he could hear the other one, the other Seto, from where the fountain was in the front lawn. Tiny decorations of Blue Eyes around it, he must be laughing with Kisara.

Atem had only heard of her briefly before her death, but he knew she would be nice. And it would be great to finally say hello to her and apologize.

But the fountain was suddenly out of his eyesight, his vision rolled up towards the sky as arms locked around his stomach. His hands slipped away from the bars and he fell to the deck of the balcony. He landed on the body of the person holding him, and the grip was so tight he could barely breathe. But he was already gasping for air anyways.

The body below him was not still. It shook Atem’s entire form as the chest he was lying on broke out into vicious sobs.

 _“What the fuck,”_ Seto choked out around tears and cries. _“What the fuck? Why?”_

Atem could only see the blue sky now, and the clouds weren’t circling around the fire. He couldn’t stop staring at the sun.

As Seto cried underneath him, Atem finally slowed his breathing,

And he woke up.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note to say that I have big plans for this story on its one year anniversary/New Years. However, I've been having health related issues and events that may make it hard to keep a consistent upload every week.  
> So, the chapters are most likely just going to get longer so the story still falls under my plan for New Years if I need to skip a week or two.  
> Thank you for all the kind words and support thus far, I can't believe I've been posting for nine months now. Time flies.  
> Also, if you have any comments or just want to chat/see what else I'm up to: is sombreset.tumblr.com. Happy reading. Sorta. :-)

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_“What the fuck,” Seto choked out around tears and cries. “What the fuck? Why?”_

_Atem could only see the blue sky now, and the clouds weren’t circling around the fire. He couldn’t stop staring at the sun._

_As Seto cried underneath him, Atem finally slowed his breathing,_

_And he woke up._

 

He shifted and Seto’s arms tightened. They were shaking, and he could sense the fear that leaked from his pores.

He swallowed down the last of his poisoned thoughts and watched the birds fly.

“Seto, are you okay?”

A shaky exhale beneath him. “That’s a stupid question.”

Seto still didn’t let go.

“What did I do?”

The sun had started to descend, the beginnings of a sunset. The clouds were tinted pink and gold.

“You almost killed yourself.”

The first thing Atem wanted to do was apologize because he had no idea what had happened, or the damage he had done to both of them.

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

The arms finally loosened, and Atem shifted himself off the body below. “I… I, I don’t know what to do. I… I remember loose bits of what I dreamt about, but I don’t recall anything I did after I woke up.”

Seto curled forward, fingers interlocked at the back of his head, hair tangled in between them. “We need to find a way to make the dreams stop, Atem. You’re going to end up injuring someone or yourself.”

Atem understood the implications behind his words. “Did I hurt you?”

“Not bad, you elbowed me and thrashed around a bit, but I’m fine.” Seto laughed without humor. “A lot better than you would’ve been if I didn’t yank you away from the fucking ledge. I…”

A loud sigh. “Let’s go inside.”

They did, but they didn’t talk. Not until they were downstairs and Seto had made tea for both of them. Atem knew this was something important, because Seto rarely ever took the time to make some for himself unless he was stressed and shaking. Atem sat at the table, watched the windows dim as the sun set. He averted his eyes, but he still looked at Seto when he had the chance. Even if for a second, it felt worth it because some of the guilt went away. Perhaps it was just because it reminded him that they were both alive, and that was all he had to hang onto.

Seto sat down with both cups and sighed. His eyes were tracing the wooden designs on the table, how they formed around Atem’s clasped hands.

And after what felt like a lifetime, Seto finally started to speak.

“I…” He wrapped his hands around the hot mug, and it hurt his palms. “I can’t imagine what this is like for you. I really can’t. But I can only tell you how it is for me, and I feel like I should at least offer that.”

Seto’s lips parted, they were puffy and tinted with distress and sorrow.

“I’m hurting.” Atem could see it too, the bags underneath Seto’s eyes rivaled that of his appearance when he first saw him on the front porch. But it was worse now, because he was so _sad,_ and he knew it was because of him.

“I’m hurting so bad… You know, it… it was easier when I had nothing. I could do anything, and I didn’t have to worry about the consequences. I only had to look out for myself, and it was _so easy._ But back then, and up until your death, the only time I really ever felt sorrow was when Mokuba was sad or in danger.” Seto’s hands were shaking. “I love him, I do, but you see, that’s the problem. To me, love is like a social form of insanity, and it’s as irrational as the mind of an addicted gambler. It’s just like… throwing every piece of you that hurts and could kill you into someone else’s hands and just saying ‘don’t squish me please’ and hoping they comply.”

Atem had so many thoughts. He thought of Yugi. The fire, the warehouse. When Yugi protested against life in order to reconstruct the puzzle. His father, who loved humanity so much that their sorrows plagued him with illness. His mother who drowned in tears. And he thought of Seto.

“I see,” Atem said quietly.

“And, and and, you… you’ve shown me happiness and things that I thought just weren’t supposed to happen to me. It’s the same as Mokuba… I thought I’d never feel worse than when he left here and started his travels across the world and cut contact with me, or the time at Duelist Kingdom when his soul was lost.” He laughed sadly, and it shook the tea in his hands. “But I was wrong, _you proved me wrong._ I don’t think I’ve ever felt more terrified than when you started running towards the balcony. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt more sad than when I realized you had almost gotten away with ending your life by your own doing a _third time.”_

Seto laughed again. “I don’t cry, Atem. _I don’t cry._ But you… you unfolded _incredible_ joy and sadness within me that was potent enough to make it happen. I don’t know if this is normal for everyone, because I didn’t _learn_ like most people do, but if it is I don’t know how they do it. It terrifies me. And I hate that I can’t explain any of it, because it’s not logic that tugs me, it’s my chest and I can’t control it. None of this makes sense and _I can’t do a single thing about it._ ”

Atem bit his lip and listened.

“I couldn’t decide if you were the best thing that had ever happened to me, or if you’re the only person who could kill me without guns. And then, I think I realized you were both when I _myself_ had to tell you that you tried to end your life. Because now, I can’t imagine what I would be like or how I could continue living if you _did_ fall. But years ago… before I felt this way about you, and Yugi told me you went to the afterlife… I don’t know, it feels like _nothing_ compared to this. And I can’t figure out… which scenario is better or worse.”  

Atem didn’t talk. He just listened to his heart fall and the sound of metal pipes that threaded through the walls starting to crack under the cold. But maybe he didn’t hear it at all, he decided that he could listen to the emotions that Seto felt.

Seto felt his head waver with fatigue, the collateral of everything. Across the table, Atem’s eyes were downcast and staring into the steam coming from his tea mug. He knew he was only offering burdens. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve thought the house was shaking, and glass would fall. But nothing happened, and Atem wasn’t blessed with an excuse to the silence.

The house was telling him that they needed to stop dropping glasses.

“I just needed to tell you,” Seto said quietly. “And I did. Now I can say that I think you’ve changed my life, _saved_ my life, more times than I can count. And I value everything you’ve given me that I can’t describe. I want… I want to feel like I can do something for you. Like I can change a life because I’ve meddled with so many. But I suppose that doesn’t reverse any damages I’ve done, does it? Is that being selfish?”

Atem stood up slowly. The sun was down now, and the room was getting dark. “I’m sorry for any emotional trouble I’ve caused you. You’ve… always been a good person Seto. The world just hasn’t been very good to you. Admittedly, I haven’t had the best time either.” He smiled. “We’re just both very good at being confident, so much so that we can see through it. And... I think it’s a marvelous thing, us being able to be selfish. Marble statues can only hold up the world so long before they start to crack. Let’s fill those spaces, okay?”

Seto frowned, drank his cold tea. “The fuck does that mean?”

Atem shrugged, leaned his chin on Seto’s shoulder. “I don’t know. A lot of things run through my head that I just… can’t find the words for.”

Seto chuckled and turned his face, lips against Atem’s cheek. “Well, you know a few languages, I’m sure you could figure something out.” Atem’s arms wound over the front of Seto’s chest, fingers interlocked.

Seto leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “I really do like you being here, Atem. A lot. I suppose that’s what runs through my head that words can’t convey.”

“I understand entirely,” Atem offered sweetly, “I suppose I could try and explain myself, but feelings are kind of... difficult like that. Maybe words aren’t the right way to tell, maybe it’s just the times where ordinary tasks just seem so much happier with someone else.”

Seto sighed, tilted his neck when he felt lips there. “I wouldn’t say it’s that simple.”

Atem kissed his skin softly, “yeah, but words, you know.”

“Hmm. I think we should do something fun tomorrow.”

“How about,” Atem was gesturing for Seto to stand, “we just stay home and play games. Maybe get some comfort food. I’m… trying to work with whatever is wrong with my sleeping patterns, and I think I should figure that out first before we go do anything too crazy.” He smiled. ”But I will. Promise.”

Seto touched his hands. “No, _we_ will.”

They relished in the comfort of silence, they only left a single light on. Anything else was too bright. Seto stood up, stacked the dishes in the sink. The stainless steel shined as he walked away, and Atem trailed after him. The house was quiet, but it felt okay.

They walked upstairs, hand in hand, after small gestures and touches in the kitchen were begging to no longer be suggestions. They had never felt better, now that everything had been said, because burdens were no longer burdens but just the string of misfortune that always seemed to be tied around both their ankles. But when they were lying in bed together, they made bracelets out of the moonlight that graced the walls when their wrists brushed together.

There was so many things they couldn’t convey with speech, so they both tried desperately to become closer. The most human parts of them touching, both of their souls so unnatural and resilient.

Skin was skin; Atem’s that was born anew from an ancient design, Seto’s that carried his past for the last twenty years. All they wanted was to understand eachother better than they knew themselves as individuals, reach past the surfaces of their bodies and trust each other with the most fragile pieces of their hearts. Hand crossing hand, tissue held so delicately. They both realized they wanted this so badly- to move past the surface of skin, as they lay next to each other. Heated breaths, and the light reflecting off the fountain in the corner of the room. Moonlight strings tangled them together.

Seto’s hair was parted unusually on his pillow, bits of it curved unnaturally upwards. Atem loved it because he could see his forehead that was usually covered by his bangs, and where his jawline connected with his ears.

“I… I’ve been thinking.” Seto’s lips parted, and Atem had never met someone who faced nervousness with such confidence, how he didn’t avert his tired gaze from Atem’s. “We’ve been… doing _things_ for a while now. You know. And… I want to try something new. I guess.”

Atem was already drowsy, still coming down from intimacy minutes before. He layed on his head on his arm, bent on his pillow. “What did you have in mind?”

But he felt like he didn’t need to ask, they had both begged the question at each other without words, only through touches and ‘almosts’ and the way they tried to drive passion to an unspoken idea.  

Seto bit his lip and took moments to reply.

“Have…” Seto started, and Atem smiled just barely because he could see Seto’s cheeks flush, even in the darkness. “Have you ever had sex?”

Atem grinned wider and he had no idea why. Maybe it was because this was just a conversation he never imagined he’d have with his teenage rival- the prestigious dragon loving billionaire, Seto Kaiba. And he also never thought he’d see his cheeks so red.

“Nah, I’ve always been too busy saving people and stuff. That, and I spent most of my teenage years living in another person’s body so like….” Atem laughed when Seto’s face scrunched slightly. “Yeah, anything like that was an unspoken no-no. What about you?”

Seto looked past Atem’s shoulder in thought, watched water move in the fountain.

“I haven’t.”

“Ah?” Atem grinned playfully. “What’s your excuse?”

Seto wasn’t smiling, but he wasn’t sad. Everything about him looked soft and genuine, and his eyes absorbed the reflections of the water. He was gazing at Atem again.

“I didn’t really care to until recently. You’re the only person I’ve wanted to with.”

Seto’s words held his heart like he imagined his hands did earlier, Atem let those hands pull him closer to Seto. He wrapped his arms around him.

He felt like crying for some reason, perhaps it was just because he was happy. The emotions weren’t anything strong, it was just the soft contentedness of things he thought he’d never receive that streamed through his body, his fingertips, down to his toes.

And Seto’s hand was on his shoulder blade now, tracing tiny designs.

Atem wanted to say those words again, those words he didn’t understand the collateral of. Because with the way his heart lifted, he knew it was truth. But the truth could be terrifying, and he was uncertain. So he tucked his head into the crook of Seto’s neck, mouthed words against his skin in a forgotten language.   

Even if Seto didn’t hear him, if he didn’t feel the words, he still felt happy knowing it was a secret he would tell.

“So…” Atem felt Seto’s vocal chords vibrate against his skin. “Do you… want to? Are you okay with that?”

“Yeah,” Atem replied, scooting back a little and holding Seto’s hands. He frowned. “So I’m assuming ‘cause of that good old winning attitude of yours, you probably want to top, right?”

“No, no that’s not why, I mean I just figured, _I don’t know,”_ Seto stumbled over his words, and Atem only smiled more. “I thought, I mean,” he rolled his eyes and huffed. “I don’t _have_ to top, I’d just… I don’t know, I kind of _wanted_ to but-”

“Seto,” Atem’s hand rose to softly pinch his cheek. “I’m only joking. That’s fine.” He curled his head under Seto’s chin, and laced his legs underneath and over his. “I’m just being an asshole. Sorry.” He was started to get tired, he breathed softly with eyes shut. He flinched and whined when Seto flicked his shoulder.

“You told _me_ not to be an asshole,” Seto remarked with a quiet laugh, “you have to try a _little_ harder yourself.”

“Mmmh, yes,” Atem breathed. “Tomorrow… Whoops.” And he was already drifting.

Seto was okay with that, because it allowed him to cry quietly to himself because he was so _happy_ . He didn’t need Atem to say anything, because he wanted to congratulate himself for being able to feel this okay with _everything._  


	35. Chapter 35

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_There they were, facing off against each other._

_And_ 0000 wasn’t _sure if they were on sacred grounds fighting for his rite of passage,_

_Or if they were at the top of the universe, centered perfectly._

_They were on either side of a symmetrical lever made of blue and white,_

_Steel of stardust._

_The fulcrum was a pyramid that shined so bright they couldn’t look down._

_Yugi was wearing the high school uniform that_ 0000 _so accustomed to seeing him in,_

_That he was so accustomed to wearing himself_

_Back when Yugi’s body was his home._

_Yugi was expressionless. And so was he._

_They were wearing the same clothing, of the same skin,_

_An intimacy that only they knew, how could they be called human_

_And the platform shifted to the right, keeping the same momentum,_

_So slowly,_

_Like a broken pendulum when viewed from above._

_“Did you forget how we fell in love?”_

_Yugi was speaking to him from across the platform, his skin luminescent like the stars_

_He reflected the universe like a mirror, and_ 0000 _saw everything in him but himself._

0000 _looked the same otherwise, but with skin that didn’t shine_

_Adorned copied clothing that was made before he was alive_

_But 3000 years after he was born._

_“What do you mean?”_ 0000 _asked._

_“Your memories, do you love them now?”_

_The pendulum moved, always, the atmosphere flickered with tiny flames_

_Yugi spoke again._

_“Do you remember when you told me you wanted to be with me forever?”_

0000 _did remember._

_“Do you remember when you said you didn’t care if you ever received your old memories? Old self? Old body?”_

0000 _did remember._

_“Do you remember how you held my hand when I offered my own memories?”_

0000 _did remember._

_The pendulum shifted to the left,_

_And Yugi’s hair drifted like they were underwater._

_“Why did you lie to me?”_

____ _stepped forward and it hurt more than anything he had ever felt,_

_Past the point of screaming, so he was silent,_

_Mouth agape as he stepped back in place._

_____ broke a rule._

_“Partner, I didn’t mean to lie. I thought you wanted me to pass on, like I did.”_

_Yugi’s eyes were beautiful, ____ didn’t recall them ever looking so blue._

_“I thought you wanted me to be at peace,” ____ said._

_Yugi smiled, eyes lidded so slightly, head tilted so sweetly,_

_Front teeth shining behind barely parted lips,_

_“I wanted you to become one with me.”_

_____ felt his heart stop, but it wasn’t his own._

_He wondered if Yugi felt it too._

_“I wanted to be one body,” Yugi breathed._

_The tiny flares in the sky, they shined._

_They went on forever, infinite possibilities._

_The candles, the stars, Yugi himself, they shone so brilliantly._

_And even though ____ was identical, he was so dull._

_Yugi’s voice was so close to his ear, but he was so far._

_“But you want to be one with_ **_him_ ** _.”_

_____ clenched his teeth._

_And the pendulum shifted to the right._

_And_ 0000 _realized,_

_For the first time,_

_That he was dreaming._

_“I can be with whoever I please, Yugi.”_

_The other one frowned._

_“But you can only truly be one with me,_

_Because I’m made from the same marble that was used to create you.”_

0000 _closed his eyes._

_This was a dream._

_This was a dream._

_This was a dream._

_“Then I’ll press my skin into his,”_ 0000 _replied,_

_“Until even the Gods can’t tell the difference_

_Between the two of us.”_

_The pendulum stopped moving._

_Yugi stopped shining, and the candles began to fall rapidly._

_One shot downwards and chipped the luminescent lever they stood on._

_Another one bore through the middle, pieces of celestial steel floating in the air._

_Debris that shined like the stars in their absence._

_Tiny comets tore through everything._

_But the two, they stood still._

_“You aren’t Yugi.”_

_The other one smiled._

_“No, I’m not.”_

_The stars were nearly gone now, the debris began to dim in composure._

_“Who are you?”_

_The other one smiled._

_“You birthed me in sorrow,_

_Where it sleeps in your stomach,_

_I cried out from the depths. You raised me._

_I grew every time you didn’t cry when you should have,_

_When you wanted to mourn your losses but remained silent, I grew,_

_Every time you took the burdens of others when you still carried your own._

_Every time you needed to be scared but you were brave,_

_So the others around you didn’t lose hope,_

_You held my hand. You just didn’t know.”_

_The other one smiled._

_“I suppose that child, Marik,_

_Was blind to the hands and foolish like you.”_

_Atem stopped breathing. He knew. He knew._

_“And Seto Kaiba, when you first met him._

_He tried to kill you, didn’t he?_

_But you, you are a God._

_You destroyed the embodiment of his despair, his child,_

_Before it ate him alive._

_That is your gift, as a child of the Gods,_

_As a God yourself.”_

_Atem opened his eyes, and he tried to turn away from the other one._

_He wanted to leave._

_He wanted to leave so badly._

_But there was only dark depths beneath._

_“Did you know the Gods’ agony and hatred that wasn’t relieved by destroying the Universe,_

_Was the materials that birthed Zorc?_

_It only seems fitting that Horakthy was the only one suitable as his killer,_

_Because he was birthed from her tears, and only a God can destroy another God._

_That is how the Gods keep order, because order does not exist in perfection.”_

_The other one smiled._

_“It is simply… misplaced.”_

_“You aren’t real,” Atem remembered. “I’m dreaming, and you aren’t real.”_

_The other one smiled._

_“I’m as real as your memories._

_You’re wonderful, you know?_

_The power you have, the light in your soul_

_It is so strong and it is made of the brightest gold,_

_And consequently, it could create the blackest tar._

_You speak so much truth and tranquility,_

_That you could lie and end the world._

_You are the savior of all,_

_Yet you leak smoke from your fingernails that could destroy the Universe.”_

_The pendulum cracked down the middle, the fulcrum broke through._

_Atem’s head was spinning._

_“You’re so good. You’re a hero, Atem.”_

_Atem fell off the platform, and he tried to wake up._

_“Watch me grow.”_

_Everything was spinning. Atem was falling._

_“Hold hands with me,_

_Let’s return to nothing.”_

Atem’s eyes opened and nausea tore through him immediately. He scrambled off the bed and ran into the bathroom, knelt in front of the toilet and vomited.

It was still dark out, moonlight created the only strips of light that guided Atem’s feet. The bathroom had never seemed so empty, and the space between he and Seto never seemed greater. He flushed the toilet, fingertips sliding from the handle to the floor. He wanted to sleep right there, where he was. Never move again.

He didn’t want to speak, and his body felt empty. He curled up on the floor and felt his arms, there was sweat there. It wasn’t unusual now, how he’d wake up with tears and cold warmth on his skin. But this time, he had stopped the dream prematurely. He knew the agony was supposed to drag on longer, for hours.

He should have been screaming in his sleep right now. But he found the truth and he _tore_ his way through it, cutting open the thick curtain that rested over his eyes.

Sleep never seemed more terrifying, _and it was all he had ever wanted._

It didn’t take long for Seto to notice his absence, he was a light sleeper after all. He heard his footsteps on the carpet, and felt his knee brush against his back when he knelt down next to him.

He heard Seto sigh, and felt his fingers rubbing circles of comfort into his shoulder. He chuckled, but it didn’t sound okay, it sounded sad. “I’m… Gods, I’m so sorry. You just can’t get a break, can you? _Gods..._ I wish I could do something. I… I could call someone. We could find a specialist in… we _will_ find someone who can help, they’ll find out what’s going on and there might be something we can do-”

“No, Seto.” Atem’s voice was weak, strained with exhaustion and stomach acid. “You know that won’t work. Maybe with someone else, but…” His body sank into the carpet. “Not with me. Not with _my_ mind, and the imitation body I live in.”

Seto paid more attention to the circles he drew on Atem. “...I understand, but you don’t know until you-”

“Seto, it won’t help. I wish, I _wish_ I could say it would. But there are just… things I know. And I _know_ that this is a problem beyond the control of any human. My skin, my sleep patterns, the dreams, all of it. I… I think I finally found a way to wake up from the dreams, at least. But that would be the only way they’ll stop. _I_ have to fix it.” Atem felt his stomach go cold. “Things like this can’t be fixed by humans. They just can’t.”

Seto knelt down, rested his forehead on Atem’s shoulder. He wanted to tell Atem he wished he was human, that he was ordinary. But it was the holy privileges that Atem was granted that saved Seto in the past, and he would never stop thanking him in his mind and through his words.

But he just wanted him to be safe, and he wanted him to be here.

“Let’s go back to bed, okay.” Seto brushed his lips against Atem’s neck softly. He was barely there. “We’ll have a great day tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Atem brushed his teeth, cleansed his face with water. He felt disgusting, and he wanted to repeat the steps over and over, but he knew he was being irrational.

Seto did what only _he_ had the permission to do, and scooped him into his arms. Atem was afraid that if he walked on the floor it would shift, but he knew the floor that Seto’s feet walked on was not broken.

But even after they were both under covers, Seto didn’t stop holding him.

 

Morning came, and the night before was a scratched blur. For the first time, Atem woke before Seto did. He curled up in the duvet cover, the air was so _cold._ And the room lacked the normal colors of dawn, but it was really fucking… _bright._ He turned to look at the balcony window.

His breath caught in his throat.

_It was snowing. It snowed._

“Seto-” Atem said softly, but he didn’t say anything more.

Because he saw him.

Seto’s eyes were closed, his face without pain. And he looked more youthful there, sleeping in his bed, than the day they first met. Eventually, Seto’s breathing quieted. One of his eyes opened, just barely, to see Atem looking back at him.

And they both never felt so blessed.

“You’re up early,” Seto mumbled, voice laced with sleep.  

“Good morning,” Atem replied, shifting closer. He wanted to press into him, hear Seto’s breath against his ear because it assured that he was human and he was alive. That they both were.

Either that, or he’d awoken horny and hearing Seto’s drowsy affections only made it worse.

Simple human pleasures and the tendencies of a God, they were both so similar to him.

Atem realized he loved this, that he had woke up happier today than any other day since his rebirth in wax skin. He wanted to show everything, explain everything that he couldn’t speak, just like they had discussed the night before.

So he curled his arms around Seto’s morning self, and Atem watched how the sunlight showcased him. He saw all the imperfections that he loved, the occasional spot of acne near his shoulders. Maybe a tiny scratch from bumping into something. And oh, how Atem was envious. But he decided to translate his jealously into admiration, and press his affection into Seto’s neck through his lips.

Mouthing words that didn’t exist through any language.

Seto’s eyes were worn tired by the years, but _now,_ these few weeks,  they were so alive and human. Atem saw all of the damage in his eyelids, the recovery in his irises that were not as dull as they used to be. He saw all of this when he trailed his lips up past his jawline, and looked at his tired face, all of it. How complacent he was.

How complacent they both were.

He kissed his cheek, hands feeling Seto’s ribs, his hips. Every part of him that only he was allowed to see.

“Atem,” Seto breathed, and there was so much behind his voice, in the mornings where his brain couldn’t make him miserable because it hadn’t woken up fully yet. His hands were warm, and they were gentle on Atem’s lower back.

Atem almost laughed when he thought back to the first time they rested there. The first day of his life. When they were drunk in his kitchen, sickly deprived and sad. When everything was rough and confused. And now, his fingers dusted against him so lightly he barely felt them.

Of course, there were still the nights where they both wanted the higher heights and passions they experienced years before, only channeled a different way. A different purpose, when Seto’s hand was around his neck carefully. Seto questioned a few times, if he was okay with this.

Atem was. He got a thrill from his hands there, when they grabbed him. Because there was something so _giving_ about trusting someone with his life, exposing himself.

Willing himself to be that of slick clay, and trusting that Seto wouldn’t tear him but craft his body into something beautiful, fingers forming rose petals.

But they were still shy, and sex still seemed like something grander than both of them. Perhaps Atem thought after 3,000 years, it should be something wonderful. Maybe Seto thought the same, but only because he couldn’t ever imagine himself lying in bed with anyone else.

Atem’s lips closed on the crook of Seto’s neck, sucking softly, a hand on his cheek that tangled into his hair.

Seto’s eyes were closed, mouth parted. Soft noises. But his hands were there, on Atem’s back. And he wanted everything. But he realized that the _everything_ he wanted now, was simply the feeling of arms around him.

Because someone was there to hold him. And Atem found it odd, how foreign it was at first. And now he craved everything soft, because he wanted nothing but the feeling of numb fuzziness on his arms. He was the shield for so long; he wasn’t allowed to fall back because if he did, everyone would die.

But he was worn; body new and soul yearning. And he wanted to be held, that would be his afterlife. Seto was everything he needed; strong enough to stand on his own. Damaged enough to crave the same thing Atem did, and they pressed the stress out of their muscles like dents in armor that had been worn too long.

Seto’s hands felt up his back, over his spine, shoulder blades with no birthmark. Up to Atem’s face, pushed it away from his work on Seto’s neck.

“You mean so much to me,” Seto said.

Atem let his face lean into his hands. He didn’t say anything, just turned his head slightly, lips brushing against one of Seto’s thumbs.

“Saying ‘I know’ would normally sound selfish, but I _do_ know. And there are not many things better than knowing a feeling like that is mutual,” Atem replied.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for slight sexual themes and mild anxiety.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

  

_“Saying ‘I know’ would normally sound selfish, but I do know. And there are not many things better than knowing a feeling like that is mutual,” Atem replied._

Seto looked at him from where his head laid on the pillow. Slowly pushed his thumb into Atem’s mouth.

Atem closed his eyes, tongue swirling around the digit.

Seto thought about how much he liked Atem, and the idea of sex was heavy in his mind.

“Atem…” he was nervous. And he was thinking about sex. “Do you…”

Seto’s thumb left Atem’s mouth when he moved his head again, fingernail against the line of his lips. They sat like that for a while, Atem straddling his stomach. Seto’s thumb cold against the air, barely touching skin.

They just stared at each other.

Atem spoke first.

“I don’t really know what to do.” He pursed his lips, looked at Seto’s neck, the tiny marks there. “Like, I do. But, kind of.”

“That’s okay,” Seto replied.

“But you probably did research or watched porn, or something.”

Seto chuckled in response, lifted his spine upwards. “Yeah, I did.” And then his hands moved from Atem’s cheeks to tangle in his hair, thumbs on his cheekbones. His mouth was on his, tongue brushing against his lips. And they kissed until they both realized they needed to do something else.

Atem’s pulse could be heard in the quiet, his breathing was loud.

“I’m nervous. I don’t know why.”

Seto leaned towards the nightstand, opened the drawer that had a bottle of lube in it.

“Me too.”

Atem gritted his teeth. His heart wouldn’t slow down.

Seto swallowed nothing, looked at the bottle. He was unsettled because Atem went so still, but he could still see how his heartbeat made his skin move slightly. “I… You have to like… prepare, I guess. I can,” Seto started as he untwisted the cap.

“No,” Atem unfroze, cut off Seto’s sentence and grabbed the bottle. Leaned back, so he was straddling the lower part of Seto’s hips. “I can do it.” But his hands were shaking, and his heart was beating. He couldn’t look at Seto. His mind felt thick, all his nameless thoughts turned into a thick, slick mess that crowded his brain, weighed his bones and made his head gravitate downwards. He _knew,_ he knew there were rotten thoughts in his head, words spoken he couldn’t hear- but his body did and that’s why it couldn’t stop shaking. Because his body was stupid. He was looking at his thigh, where it was pressed into Seto’s side. He felt the heat between them. A thin layer of sweat because it was warm.

And he finally heard the voices that his body did.

_Did you forget how we fell in love?_

_But you want to be one with him._

_Who are you?_

_Why did you let me drown inside of you?_

_You’re wonderful Atem._

_You are no God, corpse._

_Disgusting._

_Oh._

Atem swallowed nothing. He wondered, if he would’ve had sex when he was sixteen, before the puzzle broke. In his original body. Back then. And, if he had sex now in this fake excuse of one. Would that count as losing his virginity twice? _Hah. Haha._

“Hah..” Atem’s nose and throat hurt, because his face wanted to cry. And his lips were distorting into an ugly shape, because he didn’t want to cry. “Haha… ha.”

“Hey,” Seto’s voice said, probably. “Hey, what…”

The bottle of lube fell out of Atem’s hands, landed on and rolled down Seto’s stomach. Leaked everywhere. It fell from his side, pooled slowly onto the sheets.

“Atem?”

The sun was annoying now, too bright. Atem wanted to cover every window in a thousand blankets.

But he didn’t, and the seconds passed.

And they passed.

  


“I can’t.”

  


The seconds passed.

Seto’s head turned to the side. He thought of many things, then.

Sex.

The internet.

Yugi.

Atem.

Tissues.

Death.

Nightmares

Yugi.

The house.

Being alone.

Crying.

Bedsheets.

Affection.

Yugi.

“Oh.”

But then he heard Atem crying loudly, suddenly, and Seto’s head snapped back towards his direction. He shook his head in small rapid movements, and he held onto Atem’s arms gently, scooted him back so he was no longer sitting on him. “What, _what?_ I don’t understand, I don’t… I thought, did something happen, _why?_ You’re crying, you’re _crying_ and, I don’t _understand,_ ” he shook Atem’s arms slightly. “What did I do, what _do I do?_ How can I make…” Seto leaned his head against Atem’s chest, held his arms tightly. “How can I… am I even _able…”_

Seto didn’t want to cry but Atem was, and he couldn’t help it. “Atem…” and tears started, because Atem was the only one who summon such a terrible, terribly human thing.

_“How do I make you happy?”_

Atem just cried. But it was quieter now, and his hands were cold at his side. He knew Seto was interpreting his tears and shaking hands wrongly, but he couldn’t describe the way he felt. So he waited.

Seto’s lip trembled.

“Are you going to leave?”

Atem looked down at him, eyes half lidded in exhaustion.

“No. No, I’m not.”

He heard Seto exhale slowly. His grip on Atem’s arms loosened.

“Then why…”

“What if when I came back, I had my original body. And that body was ugly. Would you still have sex with me?”

Seto withdrew his embrace, hands sliding down Atem’s arms to his cold hands. And he held them.

“I,” Seto looked confused. “Yes. I think I would.”

“How could you know?” Atem felt shadows in his throat. He thought of his dreams.

Seto’s thumbs brushed against the backs of his hands.

“I _don’t_ know. You can’t be absolutely certain for what would happen in the unthinkable, or in another life. Another output that hasn’t existed. You can only do your best to predict. But… I think I would’ve because I think I lo-” Seto’s eyes suddenly widened. His mouth went rigid. “I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes, face distorted in frustration. “I’m sorry.”

Atem’s hands loosened, went up to Seto’s face, held his cheeks softly. “I… I’m sorry for all the damage I’ve done. But I think… we both are just scared, and…  of affection like.. _this._ Not disconnected thoughts of sex, but… attachments so strong they can burst with life, and they can kill. They’re frightening. And… who knows where this is going to take us. I…” Atem laughed. But it wasn’t happy. “I’m just… I’m not the same as I used to be. My body isn’t just… there’s so much more that words can’t explain. It’s the dreams, the constant exhaustion, the thoughts. All of it. It makes it a very hard effort just to be _me._ And I hate it.”

Seto’s eyes looked at him, and they looked tired. “I want to make everything that is troubling you go away,” he said. “I want to find a way to make life nothing but good to you. And I can. I can-”

“No, Seto.” He brushed his thumbs on his cheeks. “There is only one thing you can do, and you have to trust me on this. You have to focus on making yourself happy above all else. Because seeing you be strong, and seeing you be happy…” Atem smiled softly. “It makes me happy too.”

Seto’s eyes started to water again. “Okay,” his voice cracked into a whisper. “I can try.”

“Okay. I’m… sorry I got like this. I wanted to… you know. But my mind and body had other plans and decided to get all… stupid, and stuff.”

Seto laughed quietly. “Yeah, brains can be pretty stupid sometimes. But you have to take care of it, otherwise you’ll miss out on all the times it wants you to be happy. Or alive.”

Atem slowly leaned forward until he fell softly against Seto, and Seto fell back onto the bed. Stomach pressed against stomach, legs tangled.

Atem ran his fingers through Seto’s hair, untangled it and combed it against the pillow into straight lines.

“You spilled lube on my stomach.”

Atem swirled Seto’s hair into little waves. “Yeah, and now it’s on mine. So we’re even.”

“Oh, is that how it works?”

Atem smiled. “Sure.” And then he laughed, quietly until it was loud and uneven enough that he snorted.

 _“What?”_ Seto’s voice was cautious and playful.

“I was just thinking. If we had dry sex right now we’d slide together really fast and I’d probably fly into the headboard.”

And the room was suddenly filled with laughter, and Seto couldn’t stop giggling even when he tried to calm down. His stomach shook so much from the uncontrolled fit he was having that Atem slid off of him on accident, but it was okay.

Because he just watched Seto laugh and even did a bit himself, because sometimes he thought he was _kind of_ funny. And because Seto’s laugh would never get old, it was one of Atem’s favorite things about him.

“I, I don’t,” Seto tried to speak between bursts of laughter, “I don’t think that would happen, but the image in my head says otherwise.” He took another second to catch his breath. “I think we’d need more lube, and then _maybe._ I…” He couldn't stop giggling. “What the _fuck_ Atem? Why would you even, hah, why would you even _think_ that?”

Atem shrugged. “Iunno. Brains are stupid, remember?”

“Yeah,” Seto smiled, “right.”

Atem frowned. “I really am sorry-”

Seto leaned up, back against the headboard. “Nah, don’t worry about it. If I was able to wait this long, I’m sure I can wait a little longer.” He laughed. “Technically you’ve waited at least a few thousand years longer than I have, you deserve to call the shots.”

Atem said nothing, just leaned his back against Seto’s stomach until they were both content enough to get out of bed.

Seto pulled an expensive looking dark green turtleneck sweater over his head, looked out the balcony window. “It almost never snows here. Huh. I wanted to go for a walk with you, too.”

Atem shrugged, riffled through Seto’s clothing, and the few articles of his own that Seto bought for him. _Still need to go shopping for more clothes with all that money I don’t have._

He felt like being cheesy and stupid, felt like it served as an apology he still needed to make by wearing something similar to Seto. Slightly different knit, only the sweater was such a dark hue of blue that it almost looked black. Because matching apparently fixed everything.

He walked over to where Seto still was, staring out the window.  

“We can go for a walk anyways, I mean when was the last time you actually played in the snow?”

Seto blinked, watched small white chunks stick to the balcony railing. “Eh. I don’t know if I’ve ever… _played_ in it. Well…” He sat on the bed. Atem sat next to him, began braiding his hair just like Seto always told him not to. But he never meant it.

“I mean, there was this _one_ time I… sort of remember. But…” Atem listened quietly, only made a small noise when Seto tilted his head up in thought and he lost a few strands in his work. “It was when me and Mokuba were kids. I think… _Gods,_ I can’t even remember how old we were, but it was…” Seto’s breaths became deep and long. “It was when dad was still alive.” He felt Atem’s fingers stop moving. “No, not-” He looked at his hands in his lap. “Not uh, Gozaburo. My legitimate father.”

Atem felt his stomach drop. Seto had _never_ talked to him about his father, let alone his past. At some point, Atem realized Seto had always resented the idea of ‘past’ because that was where mistakes and vulnerability slept, and they were invincible. Seto had no control over that, and he had feared it.

But the past was just a story told through lips and text, and sometimes the reminder that there was anything good at all was enough to feel okay.

“Mokuba was… Gods, I think he was three? I was… Nine-ish. Anyway, we used to live in a place where it actually snowed frequently in the winter. And...” Seto closed his eyes, and let his mind paint the walls of the room.

_They left the comfort of the fire, teacups left on the table. Printer paper with crayons scattered everywhere. Seto’s paper was full of shakily drawn dragons, he was still trying to learn. But his father said they looked ferocious and cool. His father always drew the same thing, he drew sunflowers. He wasn’t much of an artist, but he said that mother taught him a step-by-step that he always used to make the doodles look presentable._

_Mokuba’s paper was full of violent scribbles. When the entire page was used up, he eventually got bored and drew swirly lines on Seto’s. Of course, they had a petty fight over it, childish whining and screaming. But their father always got them to stop because he told Seto that family was just like that and that it was okay._

_He told him that sometimes, your_ _personal freedom and space would sometimes be scribbled on but that was fine, because sharing was an inevitable part of loving someone. So Seto drew a dragon standing on the highest pedal on one of the sunflowers and smirked._

_They left the table behind because it was their father's day off, and there was too much snow in the front lawn to be ignored. Seto hated the idea of snow pants and heavy jackets, he thought they looked stupid and puffy. But his father compared them to armor, so it was okay. He said that the world and people could hurt like the cold, but clothes and those that hold you would keep you warm._

_And his father made him feel okay about a lot of things._

_But he still questioned him because Mokuba looked like a human marshmallow bundled in pillowy fabrics and scarves._

_They stayed out there for as long as they could handle, until Seto’s nose stung and ran. But he wanted to stay because he loved where they were, what they were, that moment in his timeline._

_His father had spent much more time with him ever since their mother died, he tried to make up for the loss of comfort that she used to bring. So when they had gotten bored of trudging their feet through the snow that nearly made it to Seto’s knees, his father found it to be a suitable time to throw a snowball at the back of Seto’s head._

_A game._

_That’s what they loved, their family loved games. His father taught him chess, because his father was the best at it. His father taught him how to play simple card games, sometimes they ran around the house with toy guns that shot foam balls, and they only stopped when Seto accidentally knocked one of the vases over when he missed. But his father was kind and he loved him, so he shared the burden like he always taught him._

_Seto laughed wildly, threw his own arsenal of snow at his father and dumped snow on Mokuba’s head. By now Mokuba was complaining and trying his best to move despite the heavy snow clothes, and his father claimed Seto as the victor before stuffing snow down the back of his coat and running towards the front porch._

_So Seto ran after him, smiling and laughing, but his father didn’t go back inside and looked at him with brows raised._

_“Are you really ready to go back inside, or are you forgetting something?”_

_Seto blinked at him, shook his head lightly._

_“Seto! Seto!”_

_He turned around and saw Mokuba struggling to triumph over the snow, tripping and falling, nose running and crying._

_“Wait! Wait! Waiii…” And the pleas for assistance turned to large sobs._

_Seto sighed, and his father smiled._

_He ran back down the porch steps and picked Mokuba up. He didn’t even say a word when Mokuba wrapped his arms around Seto’s shoulders, sniffling and wailing loudly into his ear about how much of a bully he was for leaving him behind._

_Seto let Mokuba down when he had started to kick and fidget when they made it to the porch steps._

_His father opened the door, Mokuba stumbled inside and struggled to untangle himself from the mess of scarves. He knelt down, put his hands on Seto’s shoulders gently._

_“Listen, Seto.” His father paused, pursed his lips. “Sometimes it’ll be easier to move forward if you leave things behind. But think of the coats and scarves. They’ll make it harder to walk sometimes, but in the long run, being warm is what will save you.” He pat his shoulder. “And your brother is your only brother, and he’ll look up to you. Make sure you don’t leave him behind. Keep eachother warm, okay?”_

_Seto furrowed his brow. “The ‘heck are you talking about, dad?” He snorted. “Mokuba’s a screaming pooping toddler, not a scarf.”_

_His father laughed, ruffled his hair. “Sorry, I’m a bit too poetic sometimes, huh? Blame my job.” He walked inside, and Seto trailed behind. Mokuba was trying to shrug out of his coat to no avail._

_“Don’t forget Seto, you were a screaming pooping toddler too once.”_

_“Dad!”_

_“So was I, once.”_

_Seto frowned tried to pull his boots off without untying them. “Ew.”_

_“Everyone was.” His father knelt down, untied the frozen laces. “I looked a lot like you, you know. Except for your eyes. You got your eyes from your mother.” He smiled sadly._

_Seto frowned, lips turning into an unintentional pout. “I wish I remembered more about her.”_

_His father looked up in thought, let the laces go. “You know, for as much time as I spent with her, I still feel like I’ve forgotten so much.”_

_Seto smiled slightly. “But the photobooks help, right?”_

_And his father smiled too. “Yeah. Photos capture memories better than the mind, they can’t forget. I treasure every image, because even if she’s gone now, I’ll always remember what she looks like.” He sighed. “My only regret is that I didn’t take more. Though I probably could’ve taken a million pictures, and I’d still think the same thing.”_

_Seto rubbed at his nose, looked at Mokuba. At his father, at the house they grew up in. “I’m gonna go change into pajamas. But after, can we look through the photos?”_

_His father got up, started the kettle. “Yeah, of course.”_

_Seto paused on the way to his room. “And… can you tell me the stories behind every picture?”_

_And he didn’t see how his father was rubbing at the sides of his eyes, trying not to cry. He scratched at the side of his stubbled face, tucked his brown hair behind his ears. “Yeah. Of course, Seto.”_

_But Seto knew, he heard the waver in his father’s voice._

_“I love you, dad.”_

_Mokuba had already curled up next to the fireplace with a toy dinosaur and made tiny dinosaur noises._

_The house was so warm, and if it could have a heartbeat, it did. It came from the fire, and it connected all of them._

_“I love you too, son.”_


	37. Chapter 37

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._  

 

* * *

  

_“I love you, dad.”_

_Mokuba had already curled up next to the fireplace with a toy dinosaur and made tiny dinosaur noises._

_The house was so warm, and if it could have a heartbeat, it did. It came from the fire, and it connected all of them._

_“I love you too, son.”_

 

“And then… we… um.” Seto’s voice started to waver and crack, and it reminded him of his father. “Oh… oh my God, I sounded like my dad just then.” He swallowed nothing. Laughed, sort of. “My voice did. I guess… I mean, I guess I never really thought about how, you know… my voice matured. And… I kind of sound like him. Sort of.” He swallowed nothing again, and it hurt. “So, anyways, we, um.” He closed his eyes. “We…”

“Seto…” He hadn’t noticed how his hands shook in Atem’s, how clammy they were. “I would love to hear more stories, but you seem pretty shaken up.”

“Yeah,” Seto let go of Atem’s hands, wiped his face with his sleeve. “Yeah. Sorry. I...” He smiled unevenly, tried to keep himself composed. “Sometimes I forget about him. My mom, she died when I was really young so I don’t remember her too well. But my dad… I…” He sighed. “You know what is really stupid? He took so many photos of Mokuba, mom and I that he didn’t really have any of himself. And in the end… Gods, my mother's side of the family was terrible. They took the scrapbooks.. They... they were my _dads,_ they were _his_ photos. And they took them because they had pictures of my mom, and they felt that I wouldn’t be able to let go of my parents being dead if I had the photos. I fucking hate them. I haven’t seen them since, but I fucking _hate_ them.”

He closed his eyes.

“I actually… I don’t think I’ve actively thought of my father in years. I can’t… I don’t think I’ve told _anyone_ about my father. I started to… lose memories after Gozaburo started his training with me. I…” He put his head in his hands. “I wonder if he would still like me, now. After everything I’ve done. I wonder if he’d still love me as a son knowing I’ve killed people. Atem, _I’ve murdered people._ When I was at my worst during my teen years, around when I met you, if someone didn’t comply with what I said, some of them… ended up _dead._ I should be in jail. But I was the face of KaibaCorp, it all was brushed under the rug. I’m disgusting. My dad, he’d-”

_“Seto.”_

He stopped talking. So Atem started.

“The things that you did then…” Atem thought of his dream. “It wasn’t… you. Who you are at your core, it was being consumed by something else. When I… when I made you go through… the penalty game as I called them, I could see into your heart, for just a second. You were, _no,_ you _are_ good, Seto. But there was sludge and tar on your soul. But it wasn’t your fault. Gozaburo hurt you. He really did. But here you are, now, living in the future and you’re not letting the pain of your past define who you are. You’re living, and you’re living as _you._ And after all that was said and done, being able to find yourself again like you have been these last few weeks is a remarkable thing.”

Seto said nothing for a minute, just held Atem’s hand again and leaned his head on his shoulder.

“It’s ‘cause of you, you know. That I was able to find myself, as you say.”

“Yeah,” Atem sighed. “I try not to be too boastful, but I’m pretty good at that, if anything.”

Seto snorted. “You’re good at _everything.”_

“Not holding my liquor.”

“True.”

Seto brushed his thumb on the back of Atem’s hand. “I think… the reason I’ve been scared of you leaving, and the reason I’ve cried so much… I’m certain now it was because I was unconsciously aware that I remembered what it felt like… what it felt like to feel loved.”

Atem raised his brow.

“No- not like _that,_ I’m not saying that you _love_ me or, whatever, like, I meant the family thing. Not that _you’re_ my family,” Seto sputtered, “But, I mean… sure, I had Mokuba for a really long time. But… I never was like _this_ around him. Not since our orphanage days. I’ve been… distant for so long that I thought that was how it had always been. I forgot about…” Seto laughed quietly. “I forgot about myself. How I was before all of this started. Too bad Mokuba doesn’t finish his travels for about another year or so. I’m not going to… shorten our agreement. He said he needed two years away from everything so he could focus on his future and I won’t take that from him.”

He tapped his thumb on Atem’s hand. “Who knows. Maybe by the next time I see him, I’ll be the person he’s been missing after all these years. He told me that at least once a week, you know. That he missed who I used to be. That I didn’t smile. At the time I _hated_ that person for being so fragile. But really, I hated the parts of myself that were human, parts that I saw unfit for any goal I had.”

He turned to Atem, chuckled. “You know, I’m kinda insane.”

Atem squeezed his hand. “You do know that I’ve done some… not very nice things too, right? I was kind of… aggressive when Yugi first solved the puzzle. I mean I had _no_ idea who I was at the time and I was a little cranky after snoozing for a few thousand years or so and I just thought I was ‘angry Yugi.’ That, and I thought my only purpose was making sure my friends were okay. Which wasn’t… too far off. Hah. But, still. I think we’ve both done stupid things out of anger. But there’s no reason to feel that way anymore.”

He leaned to the side, kissed Seto’s cheek.

“Now is the time to feel okay. Okay?”

Seto turned his cheek, kissed him on the lips. “Okay.”

 

They both got up,

and went downstairs.  

 

They watched the snow fall, got distracted when hands wanted to wind under loose knits. They made food in the quiet, until the quiet became too loud.

Seto settled on pulling his phone out and asking it to play music and suddenly the house was filled with song.

They did the dishes, made coffee.

Seto walked over to the glass door that lead to the backyard, or, forest rather. The snow was coming down lighter now, but there was a thick blanket of white on everything.

“Still sure you want to go for that walk?”

“What,” Atem smirked. “Can’t handle the cold? Why don’t you go get that _ridiculous…_ coat vest...waist cape you used to wear everywhere.”

“Pff,” Seto smiled and observed his nails. _They were always perfectly manicured somehow._ “At least my coat had function, more than you know, probably. It served as a tracking device in case I was kidnapped or interrogated, built in cellular service, and…” he sighed. “Look. I thought it looked intimidating and unique, okay? Not like _you_ were any better, running around with a fucking jacket on your shoulders instead of your body. How you got that to stay on, I still have no idea.”

Atem shrugged. “Magic.”

_“Amazing.”_

“Go put your shoes on Seto, we’re going for a walk. Or, if you’d prefer, you can wear those latex footie pajamas you used to call pants. Or boots. Bants.”

Seto was glaring at him, arms crossed. Didn’t say a word.

“Sorry,” Atem replied eventually.

“Are you quite finished?”

“Well, _actually,_ I wanted to ask about this morning when you said you did research on po-”

“Alright we’re done,” Seto grunted as he suddenly lifted the other over his shoulders, much to Atem’s chagrin. “Time to go get ready for our walk that you’re inevitably going to catch a cold on.”  

“Put me _down,_ you fuck.”

Seto tightened his grip on Atem’s waist, ignored the slight pain and irritation from Atem’s nails latching onto his back like an aggressive cat. “Nice insult. Hey, I’ve carried your sleepy and/or drunk ass upstairs at least a dozen times now. Only difference is that now you’re sober, awake, and being snotty with me.”

Atem didn’t reply with words, but instead used his toes to latch onto either side of Seto’s pants and pushed them down harshly.

“What the _fuck_ are you-” he suddenly let go of Atem and pulled his pants up, which had fallen nearly to his mid thigh. Atem slid off of his shoulder and landed on the ground lightly on his feet.

“I can walk up the stairs all by myself,” Atem smiled sweetly.

“Whatever,” Seto grumbled adjusting the waistline of his pants, and he stopped walking once they got to the staircase.

Atem stopped on the first stair. “Hmmm?”

And there was a frustrated pout on Seto’s lips.

Atem knew _immediately_ what was wrong. But it made him happy, in such a content way.

He held out his hand, and Seto took it and started walking again alongside him.

Fingers laced contently.

They didn’t recall when this had become a tradition.

 

* * *

 

“So tomorrow is the day you see him, huh?”

Yugi was sitting on the couch, flipping through television channels, eating leftovers.

“Yup,” he replied.

Joey didn’t go to work due to the snowy roads, and had his deck of cards spread out on the coffee table, occasionally switching out one card with another.

“That one,” Yugi replied in between chewing his food. “Switch that one out with… _that_ one over there. You won’t dead draw as often, I think your deck is a little too slow right now.”

“Pff, says you.” But Joey took Yugi’s advice anyway. “You haven’t played Duel Monsters in over a year, you know.”

“I know,” Yugi said. What he wanted to say was that he had a nightmare over a year ago that was the reason he quit playing entirely. But he didn’t, he just let it play out in his head for the hundredth time.

 

_Yugi woke to find he wasn’t in his bed, but on the floor of Atem’s soul room, a place that had stopped existing some time ago. And the doors, all the doors were there. Yugi didn’t want to be here, because he didn’t want to violate the heart of the dead. Being where he was seemed worse than using graves as stepping stones._

_But he tried to call out to the dead anyway._

_“... Other... “_

_The air was so cold._

_“Other me?”_

_But he knew, the heart of the soul room wasn’t beating, and everything was silent._

_He was barefooted, took cautious steps towards one of the metal doors._

_And he remembered what it felt like, to feel the warmth in every room. But they all felt the same, and he knew they all lead to the same place, the same dead heart._

_He wanted to leave though, so he pushed open the door._

_And it lead to his tomb._

_But it was bright, the sun lit the cracks in the ceiling. Water poured from the sides of the corridor into intricate canals built from stone, shrouded by grand columns._

_Candles that dripped downwards were suspended in the air overhead, wax droplets falling into the cracks of the floor._

_And there, in the room at the end of the passageway, was the golden box._

_The box that held Atem’s dormant and shattered soul for so many years._

_Yugi was careful, he was terrified. But he reached anyway, opened it._

_The deck was there, the one he used during the ceremonial duel._

_“Why?”_

_Yugi turned his head sharply, towards the voice that was his own._

_His other self, no, Atem._

_“Couldn’t you tell I was lying?”_

_Yugi wanted to shut the box. But he didn’t because he was foolish. He wanted to hear Atem speak again, because replicating his voice with his forehead pressed to a mirror wasn’t enough._

_“Atem… that… that was what you wanted. You said so.” He was terrified now, because he felt he had made a mistake. “You said so!”_

_“I wanted to keep my room, my heart, because it had became one with yours.”_

_Yugi wanted to cry._

_“But you said…”_

_“You tore me away so violently. You killed me so violently that I became nothing, a worse fate than the afterlife.”_

_Yugi clenched onto his own arm. Atem winced._

_“You… it was the only way. It was. I know this. You’re… why are you telling me this? Why are you_ _doing_ _this to me?”_

_“Because,” Atem started to walk towards him, “I wanted to become one. And if I can’t have that...”_

_Yugi reached behind him, grabbed the deck that was most precious to him from the golden box._

_Atem’s body suddenly began forming lacerations of light, tiny cuts that shone like beacons onto the stone walls._

_“Then I am nothing and you become everything.”_

_Yugi screamed, put the deck back in the box._

_But it did nothing, because when he looked at his hands again there was blood on them. Blood of his own body, but not his own heart._

_“Does it feel good?”_

_“I’m sorry, I’m…”_

_Atem smiled. “I hope every time you feel those cards, they feel like the daggers you pressed into my skin. Kill me again. Do it again, do it.”_

_Yugi was crying. He tried to wipe the blood onto his pants, but it wouldn’t go away because it was his own and it wouldn’t leave his skin._

_“I… I didn’t want to do it…”_

_“I let you kill me so you could stand on your own. So you could live a pointless existence without the burden of the world. I let you become everything, I became nothing. But you, you only brush the dust off the shelves that everyone in this world sits on. But I, I’m the one that crafted the bookcase. And my blood and tears are what formed the lines in the wood.”_

_Yugi’s fingers found his own cheeks, pressed his nails into them. He knew, he knew this was a dream._

_“I want to wake up now, please,” he pleaded quietly. “Please. Please.”_

_Atem stood in front of him now. “Are you sending me away?”_

_Yugi’s face was warm with tears. “You’re not him. He’s… gone. He’s with his family and he’s at peace with himself. I want to wake up.”_

_The columns began to crack and water was pouring from the ceiling. And it was like it was raining, but everything was too cold._

_“If you’re going to kill me again, you should pick up the deck in that box and do it properly, don’t you agree, partner?”_

 

_Time stopped moving, stones that had fallen from the ceiling were frozen._

 

_Yugi knew this was a dream, that the monster in front of him was birthed from his lower stomach, formed by tar._

 

_And he was angry,_

_He was,_

_Yugi was so fucking angry._

 

_“Don’t call me that. Don’t call me that ever.”_

 

_“Partner?” Atem breathed, and his breath smelled like frigid air and chlorine._

 

_And Yugi screamed, he screamed and tackled him. They both fell through the floor, and Yugi realized he had made a mistake because there was no floor anymore, and they were just falling forever._

_And the cards from the deck box shot downwards like meteors, faster than they were descending into nothingness._

_But Atem’s hands were holding his now, and he felt no warmth from them. Only cold skin, slightly damp from the water that poured from the ceiling earlier._

_Yugi hated that some part of him felt good when Atem hugged him, legs wrapped around his and stomachs pressed firmly. And he remembered how they both were crafted from the same pool of melted wax, that their bodies were something beautiful like symmetry._

_“Become one with me, partner.”_

_They kept on falling. Yugi was livid again, and he forgot what it felt like._

_He looked at Atem, the monster of tar. He let go of his hands, untangled his legs and broke their symmetry._

_Yugi glared his into dull, dull red eyes. They were mocking, and they disgraced the Gods. And the muscles in Yugi’s neck constricted when he spoke, and his jaw trembled with the acidity behind his words._

 

_“Fuck you.”_

 

_And then Yugi woke from his dream, and he was on the floor of his bedroom in a cold sweat, blanket wrapped around his legs and he was alone. And because he was alone, and the house he lived in was empty and cold, he screamed. He didn’t stop screaming until his voice was broken and then he knocked the golden box on his nightstand onto the floor, and the knives disguised as cards flew everywhere._

_But a few minutes later he cried. Spoke to the sky. He told Atem he was sorry. He put the cards back into the box and apologized over and over and over._

_He never played with Duel Monsters cards again because he felt cuts in his heart when he felt the ridges._

    

Yugi looked at Joey after he stopped daydreaming. “Maybe I’ll pick the game backup again later. Some day.” He laughed. “Maybe that’ll be my New Years resolution. That, and to stop messing up at the whole ‘life’ thing.”

“Sounds like a good resolution. But you still have a few weeks until then, so let’s focus on getting you an income of some sort first.” Joey finished constructing his deck, put all the cards away. “So, about the Atem thing. I’ll be here and have my phone close by if anything goes wrong when you two meet up today. And if need be, I’ll come get you early. Just make sure you keep in contact, ‘kay?”

Yugi stretched and popped his back. “Okay.”

He looked at the coffee table.

“Thank you… for everything Joey. Letting me stay here, and being there for me and stuff.”

Joey smiled, wrapped his arm around Yugi and patted his shoulder.

“You’re welcome. And stuff.”

Yugi felt like the luckiest person in the world, because if he didn’t have Joey he was certain he’d still be screaming in the hallway of his grandfather's house until the walls dripped black with the oil in his breath; from his lungs.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super long chapter this week to make up for not posting last time. Super long, super happy, super cheesy chapter. Also warning for a sex scene towards the end.  
> Thanks for the support, even the tiniest amount of support goes miles.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

 

 _I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

  

The snowfall had lightened up considerably by the time they stepped outside. It was quiet now, small clusters of flakes drifting in dry, frigid air.

And _holy shit_ it was cold outside.

It wasn’t something Atem was accustomed to, but it fascinated him. He couldn’t recall if he had ever set foot in snow at all before except for in his dreams.

Seto wasn’t nearly as awestruck.

He was standing closest to the door, arms crossed tightly. Fingers tucked for warmth.

Atem was out much further, rolling a ball of snow that stood just barely taller than his knees.

Atem pulled down the scarf he had wrapped tightly around most of his face.

“You know, you’re probably going to just get colder if all you do is stand there.”

“Or, alternatively, we could just go back inside and enjoy the heating system that I pay for to keep warm.”

“Ugh.” Atem left his work which was almost _perfectly_ fucking spherical, and walked over to him.  

And they stood there, just looking at each other.

“Okay.”

“Okay what?” Seto muttered, hand going up to his face to cover his nose from the cold.

“You can go back inside and be boring, I’ll be out here making snowmen and ice sculptures until I fall asleep and get hypothermia.”

Seto rolled his eyes. “ _Or,_ you could not do that and come inside as well.”

Atem rewrapped his scarf around his face and trudged back over to the giant snowball.

He started forming another small mound, rolling it as soon as it was big enough, only stopping a few times to adjust his clothing. His bangs on either side of his face had frozen into little stringy clumps.

Still standing by the door, Seto folded his arms once more and huffed irritably.

_Snowmen. How cliche._

He watched Atem struggle through the snow. The determination he had was _ridiculous._ He looked away, at anything. The frosted trees. Heard voices of his memories, of his father.

 

_Sometimes it’ll be easier to move forward if you leave things behind. Think of the coats and scarves. They’ll make it harder to walk sometimes, but in the long run, being warm is what will save you._

 

Seto closed his eyes.

 

_Make sure you don’t leave him behind. Keep eachother warm, okay?_

 

Opened them. Sighed, watched his breath form tiny puffs of steam in the air.

 

_Dad._

 

“Fine, fine, you win,” he muttered and made his way over to Atem.

He started forming another ball of snow without a word, and the Atem stopped what he was doing and walked over, wrapped his arms around him despite how cold Seto’s jacket was on his face. Seto laughed quietly, kissed the top of Atem’s frozen hair and they both got to work.

In the end, Atem got what he wanted, a nearly picture perfect example of ‘snowman.’ The only issue was that Seto didn’t have a carrot like Atem requested, so they just stuck a short stick in its face and called it good.

Atem said something about a snowball fight, but it was muffled through his scarf and his words were distorted from how much his jaw trembled from the cold. Seto asked for a compromise, if they could maybe save it for some other time throughout the winter. Atem’s eyes were wide like a child’s and his energy was higher than Seto had ever seen it since they lived together, but Atem could _not_ stop shaking from the cold.

So he finally convinced him to come inside.

Atem didn’t stop shaking until even after they got in the shower, and it was just like when they went running on the forest path.

“You really need to pay attention to when your body is too cold or warm, you’re going to get sick one of these days.”

Atem said nothing, just washed his hair.

“I think that your body struggles to have enough energy for circulation, and regulating normal temperatures is important and we-”

“I know,” Atem spoke over him.

Seto bit the inside of his cheek. Said nothing.

“...I know.”

They didn’t talk about it anymore, and eventually Atem’s teeth stopped chattering.

They both were devious enough to wear sweatpants, T-shirts and jackets to grab something simple for dinner. Atem was laughing the whole time, because Seto _really_ hated driving in the snow. He always drove so aggressively, so he struggled to turn corners and and the whole experience was just _too fucking slow_ for him. And the entire time, he was trying to convince Atem he just wasn’t used to the snow, and he looked _so_ childishly guilty and frustrated.

So when they parked outside the dimly lit udon shop, Atem kissed his lips and Seto stopped being so damn grumpy. They ate and chatted quietly in the warm, stuffy restaurant, only giving each other knowing smirks when Atem got carded for ordering alcohol. The ID Seto made was as genuine as any other, but they still snickered like children, and the chairs they sat in were so close together.

Their server eyed them suspiciously. But, he said nothing because Seto had come there so many times before and the less attention the man drew to _the_ Seto Kaiba being in the restaurant, the more ridiculous of a tip he got.

Seto was wearing the same soft colors as earlier, only now, a black and grey plaid scarf was wrapped around his neck, hair mostly tucked underneath.

As much as he wanted to hold Atem’s hand, he didn’t want to chance any rumors or extra publicity that he was just _too exhausted_ to deal with right now. There were already rumors circulating around about the incident in KaibaCorp a few days back when Atem had his nightmare. Seto rubbed tiny circles in his temples when he read the articles online, laughed because they so funny and they were so _not fucking funny._

 _“You won’t_ _believe_ _what a KaibaCorporation employee caught Seto Kaiba doing!”_

_“Reported screams heard from CEO of KaibaCorp’s office”_

_“Why Seto Kaiba has kept out of the spotlight? Violent screams from his office may tell why!”_

_“Seto Kaiba gone off the deep end again?”_

_“KaibaCorp CEO falling down his father's footsteps, should_ _you_ _be scared?”_

_“Kaiba spotted in numerous locations with another man: Is the head of KaibaCorporation gay?”_

_“Seto Kaiba having scandalous affairs in his office with a man, screaming and banging heard from closed doors”_

_“CEO of KaibaCorp Seto Kaiba’s sex life finally revealed, and you won't BELIEVE who he was caught with”_

_“Seto Kaiba has sex with unauthorized tresspasser in the KCTower, why he has avoided the public for more than two years finally uncovered through a rough and steamy affair”_

Of course, Seto said nothing to Atem about the explosion of rumors in magazines and social media because he knew he’d just blame himself. Atem already felt awful about the aftermath of the dreams and Seto didn’t need him to feel any worse because it was _so_ out of their control. That, and there was the whole sex and affair thing. He didn’t want to talk about that with him either.

Luckily, Atem liked to learn through word of mouth and hardly paid attention to television or the internet. And Seto hoped it stayed that way, at least for a little while. He also didn’t want him to read too much about the disaster Seto was since Atem’s departure to the afterlife, there were _so_ many shitty theories and rumors about anything worth making money and a scene off of.

“Sorry,” Seto whispered low enough for only Atem to hear. “I just… people, you know.”

Atem shrugged, curled a noodle around a chopstick. “Nah, you’re fine. I’ll just tease the shit out of you and get you hot and bothered until we get in the car.”

Seto frowned. “I could do the same thing.”

“This would be a very _bad_ thing to make a contest out of,” Atem snorted.

But they did anyways.  

They both ordered more drinks, and Atem decided to be nostalgic and drag his tongue along the rim of the bottle. But he stopped when Seto whispered something in his ear that nearly made him spit beer everywhere. Eventually a tie was decided, and Seto left a tip at least three times the cost of their dinner.

The snow started to come down in clumps again, and they wasted no time in leaving. The drive never felt better, they were holding hands over the stick shift. Snowflakes hit the windshield in all their decadence, and Atem forgot how tired he was. The gate to the estate opened, and the car stopped in the driveway. Engine silent but the heater was still on. Lights still dim. It was dark, only stars and drifting white.

And Atem didn’t even ask why they hadn’t gone inside yet, because he expected the hand that Seto placed on his cheek and the lips that followed. Breaths between them that were as warm as the air coming from the vents. Atem parted his lips, tongue dragging against Seto’s softly. Hands felt under the scarf around Seto’s neck, the soft hair tucked underneath.

But it was funny, how the brushing of lips now meant less than the sweet words of affection, or just the feeling of hands against hands. Because it meant so much more, a world between the two of them with an impenetrable force field that had the texture of their fingerprints.

Eventually they left the warmth and snow crunched beneath their boots on the sidewalk. Seto unlocked the front door, and Atem stood at the foot of the steps but didn’t go inside.

“Hm?” Seto propped the door open, looked down at him. “It’s.... warm in my house, you know.”

“I was just thinking.” Atem smiled, looked at Seto, at his questioning eyes. _They were so pretty._

“About, you know. The first night I was here. How the first thing you said to me was something bratty about my scarf-pants. And now here I am, dressed in your clothes and what you’ve bought for me, and you kissed me in your car.”

Seto’s grip left the door and he walked down the steps, held Atem’s hand and guided him upstairs. His smile was quiet when Atem saw it, and it was reminiscent.

“And you’ll never know how nervous I was, and how much I missed you. I just used snobbery to try and cover it up, but you broke that down pretty fast.”

“Mhmmm,” Atem closed the door behind them. “The one thing I’m good at, remember?”

“Stop that,” Seto said, and if Atem didn’t know any better, he’d think Seto was going to flick him on the nose playfully. Because he sounded so okay, and he sounded so happy. And hearing this filled the crevices in his skin that didn’t feel human.

They shed their coats and had celebratory wine for no occasion. Seto pulled out his phone to play music. But they were both acting so childish, so happy over ordinary tasks, that Atem kept on pressing every button he could see on the screen until Seto held the phone as high as he could over his head.

And Atem fucking _tickled him._

A sudden burst of unexpected laughter, hands immediately protecting his sides, and Atem witnessed Seto Kaiba, _the Seto Kaiba,_ try to escape by climbing over the back of his own couch, overshooting it, and falling onto the carpet with an obnoxiously loud thud.

“Shit,” Atem couldn’t help but laugh a little, but he walked to where Seto fell just to make sure he was okay.

And he was, but he was still, arms raised and curled slightly. He made eye contact with Atem when he stood over him, looking slightly dazed, surprised, and confused.

But then Seto started laughing, quiet chuckles as he lifted his arms towards Atem.

“C’mon king of… cards, you threw me over the couch. Now you have to help me up.”

Atem laughed, tried to help him up but Seto supported himself way too much for him to get credit. “You’re kinda tipsy, I think.”

“Pfft.”

Seto smiled, _Gods he smiled,_ and Atem was almost convinced that he was just… _okay._

That _the_ Seto, the one that had been shut behind so many doors made of hardened agony so many years ago _,_ was the only person standing in front of him right now.

And Atem couldn’t be happier than he was right then, in Seto’s livingroom. Watching him smile.

Seto took his phone back out, stood next to Atem with arms touching. Feet barely overlapped.

He scrolled down a list of music artists and Atem recognized none of them. Yet he found it so incredibly fitting and exactly what he expected when soft piano keys and pleasant singing filled the living room.

“Is this too cheesy?” Seto turned his head and looked at him, sliding the phone onto the coffee table. “I have no idea what I’m doing.” And his cheeks were tinted just barely.

“In all honesty,” Atem replied and took Seto’s hands in his own, “it’s a _little_ cheesy. But it might be what we both need.”

They listened to the music that filled the empty corners of the house, and the vibrations warmed the walls. They created a new tradition without knowing and they danced in the livingroom. Atem’s hands wrapped around the small of Seto’s back.

The other did the same, only stopping occasionally to feel Atem’s shoulders because there was never enough touch. The house was warm, it was _so_ warm, the walls were orange and the shadows had never been so quiet.

Atem knew how to dance but it was movements of days long past. So they relearned together, and in their own home nobody could tell them they _weren’t_ the most magnificent duo that had ever existed. They stepped side by side, only slipping up occasionally.

Once the music started to quiet down and transition to another song, they stopped moving their feet across the carpet. Eyes met there, in the house they had breathed new life into. They kissed again, but it felt different. Maybe they thought that every time. It didn’t matter. Lips lingered because they didn’t want time to resume. Whatever was happening now was enough, and they didn’t want anything more, anything less.

“I like this,” Seto spoke against Atem’s hair, “whatever this is. We should try and… I don’t know, do this more often, I think. I...”

Seto’s arms wrapped around him a little tighter.

“I’m really happy. I like this.”

“Me too,” Atem replied, face snug against Seto’s sweater and he listened to his heart and the vibrations when he spoke. He listened to every little detail that told him they were both living at that moment, a small light in the infinite space between them.

They let the music play until they were upstairs and Seto shut if off with a hushed voice command. The house was silent. They brushed their teeth, got in bed. Listened to the fountain, watched the snow fall through the balcony window. Atem’s back against Seto’s stomach; arms folded in shapes that meant nothing but everything to them. There were no words shared, because the feeling was enough.

Atem started to drift because the snow told him to and the sound of Seto breathing slowly was his comfort. It was a dreamless sleep, a blessing they both couldn’t thank enough. But they only stayed still in unconsciousness for so long because they both woke at some point they didn’t remember. Unmoving hands tucked around Atem’s waist were suddenly brushing against skin with meaning, Seto’s breaths were soft against the crook of his neck and shoulder.

Atem leaned into the touch, back arched, hips pressed against the other’s. But it was momentary because Atem turned to face him. He normally wouldn’t be able to see Seto clearly in the dark, but the abundance of snow beyond the windows allowed it. And there was so much between them, and they breathed with anticipation. Sleepy hearts pounding through warm bodies. And maybe the words spoken next were only said because they were tired and their brains couldn’t irrationally tell them to shut up. But they didn’t care.

“Why’re you up?” Atem said groggily, a hand reaching out to play with the hair that draped over Seto’s shoulder and across his neck.

“I love you.”

The hand stopped playing with Seto’s hair and everything in Atem’s skin froze. He swore all of his organs shifted, that his heart would probably melt if it worked any harder than it was right now.

“...Wait.” Seto’s eyes were suddenly wide, his mind no longer tired, and a hand went to his mouth. He spoke through his fingers. “Oh. Shit… _shit,_ sorry. I’m sorry.” He squeezed his eyes shut. _“Fuck.”_

Eventually after what felt like a lifetime, Atem’s hand slowly moved from Seto’s hair to the hand over his mouth, laced his fingers into it and pushed it aside, to his cheek. He leaned closer, pressed his lips against Seto’s firmly. They remained there, barely moving except for their slightly trembling jaws.

They both knew.

They both knew they’d officially fallen past the point of no return.

Atem kissed him again, chastely, left Seto’s nervous inhales between their lips.

And he felt joy constricting his windpipe, raw affection added an extra layer of skin underneath, and _Gods he could feel it everywhere._ So he smiled, smiled because he didn’t know what else to do with himself other than squeeze his hand firmly.

Atem kissed him again, then lips separated, a small laugh, softly spoken words against Seto’s cheek.

 _“I love you too,”_ he wanted to cry, _“Gods, Seto I love you too.”_

And Atem spoke nothing but the truth. His vocal chords couldn’t carry through how certain he was, how heavy his mind pressed the words through his throat. It just wasn’t enough. So he let the snow fall behind them,

white specks against the dark,

and they were in outer space.

_Another place._

Seto exhaled roughly, shakily, and his hands wrapped around Atem’s back, fingers tracing over every crevice, every indent of his spine. And he didn’t know what to do, how _not_ to cry because he wasn’t used to, _no_ , felt he didn’t deserve privileges like this. It was too much, and anything he said, it just wasn’t enough.

Lips met in the dark, Atem’s fingers tracing lines on every part of Seto’s body that he could reach; he drew on him. He wanted to dust his fingertips on all of him, he wanted him to shine. He pressed his lips onto Seto’s neck, leaving marks that would rest just below the lining of his sweaters, so it was okay. Because only Atem could see him like this, see all of the skin. The glowing underneath; he wanted to demonstrate his admiration in every way. He wanted everything. He bit down on soft skin lightly, tongue drawing small swirls.  

Seto moaned quietly,

Eyes be closed,

And his hands rested on Atem’s waist, his hips, traced down his thighs. Hands drifted back up to his hips, to his rear, they stayed there and pulled Atem closer. Flesh against flesh, bones shifting, and their exhales warmed the room; they made a warm shelter of the bed.

They’d both done this so many times before, but they were both shaking with nerves. The allure of something new froze their spines, and the ice that formed between their vertebrates shattered every time they moved. But their bodies were warm, they wanted to press past each other's skin and hold everything that was fragile and never tell another soul about the games they played.

Atem’s hands found their way to Seto’s shoulders, gripped them firmly, legs tangled, every part of them touching. But it wasn’t enough. His lips left Seto’s neck, small marks left in their place.

And he wanted everything.

“Seto…” He was nervous. “I, um.” He swallowed nothing. “I want to…” Laughed quietly. “Yeah.”

The grip on Atem tightened just barely, and then it left as Seto twisted to reach for the nightstand. His heart was pounding, and his breaths were uneven. Two adults who were never given a chance for affection, and they craved it so bad that it shook their forms and warmed their lungs.

“We’ll see if there’s any left after you spilled it on me earlier. And my sheets,” he handed Atem the small bottle of lube, “I don’t know, I mean, I think it should be-”

“Shh.” And Atem pressed his lips to his, left them there idly as he uncapped the bottle, as he coated trembling fingers and reached behind himself. He pressed a digit in, Seto only knew because Atem accidentally bit his lip a bit harder than he meant to.

“Are you okay?”

Words spoken in such close proximity, hushed in the room.

“It kind of just… its kinda unusual.”

“Oh. Uh. I’m sorry.”

Atem tried to laugh, but it sounded breathy and odd. “Don’t apologize, dork. You’re not doing anything wrong.” He added another finger, the shudder he made was casted away by Seto’s lips pressing onto the crook of his neck, soft motions. He knew he was being selfish, but he wanted to hear Atem and all of the noises he made.

Another nervous laugh, a tiny noise. “I don’t know, Seto. I think if we have sex I’ll probably start screaming or something.”

Seto’s eyes widened. He stopped his work on Atem’s neck. “Oh. We don’t… if it’ll hurt too bad we don’t have to-”

Atem started moving his fingers again and his breathing deepened. “No, no. It’s fine. Just… if I need you to stop or change anything, I’ll tell you.”

“Okay,” Seto breathed, lips on his skin again.

And they remained that way for a while, skin against skin, mouths breathing against shoulders. Atem’s quiet breaths turned to audible sighs, tiny noises. After eventually working in three fingers comfortably, he withdrew his hand.

“Okay, I’m ready, I think.” He chuckled quietly, shakily. “Are you bored yet?”

“No,” Seto replied quickly, and Atem could see through the dark that his face was flushed. “No. I just… I. You sounded… I’m allowed to say you do cute things, right? Not that it was like, the direct _definition_ of cute... wait. No, um. Sorry. _Fuck._ I meant, well I mean it _was-”_

Atem cut him off with a kiss, and he laid on his back. Didn’t say a word, just wrapped his hands around Seto’s back and motioned him to hover over his naked form.

Seto supported himself on his elbows, looked at the beautiful display below, Atem’s hair sprawled all over the pillow, bits of it stuck to the side of his mouth, and snow illuminated their world. _“Gods,”_ Seto whispered, kissed Atem and felt his cheek before turning to the nightstand once again and pulled a condom out of the top drawer.

Atem closed his eyes, waited patiently. Got lost in the moments that passed.

They breathed in warm air, and Atem found himself with his legs wrapped lightly around Seto’s waist, hips propped up on a pillow.

And looking up at him, Atem thought of everything they had been through up to this point. Sophomore year of highschool when they fought over life and death and Seto fell into his own heart. Duelist Kingdom, when Seto stood at the edge of castle walls and breathed morality and the multidimensional definition of justice into Atem’s mind, ideas that he had forgotten so long ago. When he had fallen to his knees at the face of God and Seto told him to stand. When he said that their battle, the road they shared, went further than the eye could see.

 _And_ G _ods, he was right._

Their tag team battle on top of that shopping center. The finals at Battle City, when they had fought against each other. When they tripped and fell into the world of memories on top of the Duel Tower, when their souls crossed. When Seto had flown past the smoldering remains of Alcatraz, when he saluted Atem and flew away.

And that was the last time he saw him in that life.

But he found himself anew, his back pressed into Seto’s bedsheets,

They were tangled together, limb for limb,

And he had said he loved him.

And he did.

“Okay. Go,” Atem said quietly. Nothing but the reflection of snow and water surrounded them.

Seto leaned forward, head tucked next to Atem’s, breathing lightly into the pillow.

He guided himself in with his hand, just barely, and Atem’s fingernails dug into his back and his hips shifted uncomfortably.

 _“Fuck,”_ Atem whined, teeth gritting. “Hold on.”

“Okay,” Seto exhaled, voice barely heard from beyond the pillow, choking over the feeling of having someone enveloped around him. And they both laid there for a moment, still except for breathing chests. The fingernails that gripped onto Seto’s back eventually let up, and Atem exhaled slowly.

“Just… go slow.”

And Seto’s hips rolled forward just barely. He shuddered because he had never felt anything like this before, and he was in another place. Nothing else mattered but the person beneath him, his bed, and the snow outside the balcony window.

Atem was breathing harshly underneath him, and he felt bad because he looked pained. But he kept on moving, hips rolling nervously because they were _both_ so new to such common pleasantries.

“Okay,” Atem breathed, “you can move a little more, just, be careful.” And his fingers latched onto Seto carefully, toes curling around his waist.

And they moved together in the dark, and Atem’s noises of discomfort changed to something else, deep moans that blended together. They eventually found a pace that was okay. Everything was so tame, so careful, because Atem was nothing more than putty beneath him and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt him. But he didn’t need anymore than what he was giving him now, because nothing else came close in comparison to the feeling of being inside someone. Of being inside him, of the trust that he had. That he let him push past the barriers of skin, what it felt like to become one and the same.

And he had never felt so human before.

“Ah, Seto,” Atem struggled to talk between the ecstasy that bubbled in his throat, “kiss,” he broke himself off with an audible exhale, “kiss me. Please.”

Seto lifted his cheek from the pillow, loud sighs, and he pressed his lips to Atem’s, not bothering with formalities. He pressed his tongue against Atem’s, small moans captured between them. Seto was daring enough to pick up the pace slightly when he noticed Atem’s hand trailing to his own length, finding a tempo somewhat similar to Seto’s thrusts. And they both wanted to feel everything, feel the end.

The sounds Atem made echoed through every bone of Seto’s body, and he never wanted it to stop. But they both were new at this, and _Gods it was so much._ He could already feel himself getting close. And he wanted Atem to finish before him, watch him unfold entirely. He breathed against Atem’s lip, moved one of his hands down to the one that Atem was using to pump himself, pushed it aside and curled his fingers around him.

 _“Hnn,”_ Atem didn’t mean to pull Seto forward with his legs as much as he did, _“hah,_ Seto, what, what’re you, _hah,”_ and Seto didn’t reply with words, instead choosing to flick his wrist faster and resume a faster pace.

Atem’s moans turned to blurred screams, and he didn’t expect to feel _everything_ crash together so fast, eyes closed, fingers tense. Mouth parted with a strangled cry, and he drowned in Seto’s hands.

 _“Mmmh,”_ Seto shuddered through the pressure of Atem around him, the way his face looked when he was in another place, when he was coming down. His tangled form in his sheets. How warm his body was. The fact that everything he was feeling was because of him. Seto gave in, falling into another place, and his arms shook from underneath his trembling chest. He rode out the last of his orgasm with a few sighs, lips brushed against Atem’s cheek.

Once he was sure he could move again, he pulled out and collapsed next to him. And they both stared at the ceiling, listened to each others breathing, thought of the snow outside.

Seto decided to say something first.

“...Well…” He paused. Blinked at nothing. “Well, that was cool.”

He heard Atem try to restrain from laughing next to him, a strange snorting noise followed by quiet chuckles.

Seto turned his head to look at him. “What?”

Atem had a hand over his mouth, laughed through his fingers. “You can’t,” his stomach shook with laughter and he tried to cease it because _his ass fucking hurt when he moved_ but couldn’t, “you, you can’t just _say_ that after, oh, oh my Gods,” and for some reason Atem felt like crying but not because he was in pain. Just, just… _because._ “I… Gods, you…” Tears were running down his cheeks, and he was smiling. “I really do love you.”

Seto pursed his lips, couldn’t be happier. He turned his spine, laid his head on Atem’s shoulder, and they were so warm. “...It’s so…it feels so content knowing I can say I love you too.” He breathed against his skin, fingers feeling his stomach.

They didn’t say much more, and Atem was starting to fall asleep.

Seto closed his eyes, held him close.

Spoke to the dark, and the snow fell.

“I think you saved my life again.”

And they let the night consume them, the house was warm and full of all the life they exhaled from their bodies that day.


	39. Chapter 39

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

 

 _I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_Seto closed his eyes, held him close._

_Spoke to the dark, and the snow fell._

_“I think you saved my life again.”_

_And they let the night consume them, the house was warm and full of all the life they exhaled from their bodies that day._

 

Atem woke the next morning drowsy, and he held the covers up to his neck in gratitude that the nightmares never came. He knew the grotesque form that lived in his stomach. The tar, it ate misery and digested it into its own form, growing quietly like plaque in teeth. But maybe, maybe he was just too happy yesterday and he left it starving. And he wanted to thank Seto, dust his fingernails lightly across his chest. But when Atem finally opened his eyes, he remembered that Seto had work and that he had already left.

Atem groaned, rubbed at his eyes. _Stupid KaibaCorp._ He did the next best thing, he slept where Seto always did. Where the bed was slightly indented by his form over the years. Atem’s side was still stiff, he was such a new addition to a bed meant for two that only ever held the sleeping body of one. He blindly rolled over to Seto’s side which had already been made and pressed neatly. But Atem pulled the covers around himself anyway. He rested his head on Seto’s pillow only to flinch when he felt paper crinkle under the weight of his head.

 _“The fuck…”_ Atem mumbled, sitting up with a lazy effort. He sat awkwardly with his back propped against the headboard, most of his weight supported by his lower hips. He felt it was only necessary, considering his ass still hurt annoyingly.

He paused, blinked. _Holy shit. I had sex with Seto last night._

The piece of paper he had laid on reappeared, falling from the side of his head where it had stuck snugly into his hair.

He grabbed it, unfolded the slightly damaged note and read it.

 

_Atem,_

_It felt strange waking up this morning and leaving for work. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to lie in bed and wait for you to wake up next to me as bad as I did today. This is awkward to write, but thank you for_ _last night._ _for yesterday. Also, thank you for helping me recall past events with my true father, pushing me to do fun things, and for later events._

Atem laughed quietly to himself. _“Later events.”_ He could envision Seto struggling to write this note in his head, trying to find the right words, but it was all so _new._ He knew he was the only one who could fluster Seto as bad as he did sometimes, intentionally or otherwise. And _damn it_ he’d never say so, but he thought it was fucking _adorable._ He kept on reading.

_It still frightens me sometimes, how fond I’ve become of you. This is just the sort of thing I never expected to feel or to have, so I apologize if I sometimes act out of sorts. I realized this morning that we didn’t discuss your plans to meet up with Yugi today, and I’ll be at work until most likely after you leave the house. My private work phone number as well as Yugi’s is listed in the contact book next to the phone in the office room downstairs. There’s also some money for you on the desk to call a cab. We should probably get you your own phone pretty soon here, I’m sort of anxious at the idea of you leaving and not having a solid form of contact but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. Like you said, I should place more trust in you and I know I shouldn’t hover over everything you do._

_But regardless, I will message Yugi later just to make sure that you made it safely._

 

There was a few scribbled out sentences, and he could tell Seto’s beautiful handwriting was wavering slightly. And it hurt slightly to read, because he could feel Seto’s anxiety through the slight indent that the pen left on the paper.

 

 _I hope you two have a good time and are able to resolve things. I hate… saying this, and I know you’d probably scold me if I said this to you in person,_ _but, if you end up wanting to_

_If you end up wanting to stay with Yugi, or if you find feelings for him, or whatever you might do that would inherently cause you to want to live elsewhere or place romantic feelings within him rather than I, just let me know whenever, and as soon as you can._

_I meant what I said last night, I really did. But, it's a double edged sword. I do love you, but with that, I came to the realization that the thought of you having affection for someone else might hurt too bad to_

 

More scribbled out lines.

 

_Sorry. Emotions are difficult to explain. This note is starting to become way too long. I’ll see you when I get home, or if you are out later than I am, I’ll see you later tonight. Keep me updated if you can. I’m sorry if I’m being irrational. I trust you. But I also want you to be happy. You deserve it so much. Have a good day._

_Oh, also, there’s food in the fridge for you, I had time to spare this morning so I got you breakfast. Don’t feel obliged to eat if if you don’t like it, you can grab something with the cab money when you get into town. I’ll probably end up eating whatever you don’t want, my food selection was hopelessly biased, after all. But it seemed like something you’d like, so… I tried. I’ll end this essay of a note here. I already said this, but have a good day._

_Seto_

 

Atem folded the note up, placed it on the nightstand. He had nearly forgotten about his meeting with Yugi. There was so much hesitation behind every word of the letter, it reminded him of that first night. When Seto was rocking back and forth, when he was crying.

_I like you… I like you a lot._

“You’re more loving than you realize, Seto,” Atem said to nothing, to the fountain. To the Dark Magician figure on the shelf. He knew that he would leave Yugi’s side today with no more affection than a hug that meant more than words, and a resolution that would ease their hearts.

But that was the thing.

Atem loved Seto.

But he loved Yugi too, and he had for years. And he never would lose that feeling, because it was imprinted onto his soul. It burned him, scared him. But it was different. The love he felt for Yugi was deep rooted, laced into his heart so finely, so intricately, that if he tried to cut or pull the threads, he would be left bleeding and dead. But the threads, they held him together, cooled his heart if he ever started to lose himself.

He didn’t want to lie next to Yugi, tangled naked in the mornings, no, he didn’t want to kiss him anymore. But he wanted to have backs touching as they stood in the grass, as they tried to touch the sky and the stars.

And Seto, his love wasn’t made of threads that couldn’t be cut. But it was made of the sheets he let him sleep in, freshly cleaned the night before and only the hinting smell of skin and life. Because he and Seto, they weren’t woven together. Instead, they held the bedspread that had been created anew around their shoulders, bodies pressed, lips brushing against cheeks. Fingers clenching the fine cotton so firmly because they both refused to let the wind take their warmth away.

And he only wished that words would make Seto understand this, but he knew they’d only hurt because even the _idea_ of love for someone else would hurt him. But he wanted him to understand, that he was his, all of him, but he _wasn’t_ his. Of course, he wanted Seto to remain happy, here, with him. But he also wanted to be happy himself because for the first time, he was given the choice.

It was one in the afternoon by the time Atem was downstairs, dressed nervously in his softest colors. He grabbed the food Seto had left for him and wandered into the office, coffee in hand. And there it was, the contact book, with a stack of… _holy shit, $300 seemed like a bit much,_ the money Seto had left him.

He flipped through the book, looked for Yugi’s last name. There were _so many names._ He had barely gotten halfway through looking when the notebook shot from his hands because the telephone started to ring and he had _never heard it do that before._

The contact book fell on the floor and he looked at the caller ID, he didn’t want to take a call from a business partner or associate and damage Seto’s reputation any more than he already had.

 

_Incoming Call (Private/Approved Caller):_

_Yugi Muto_

 

He picked up the phone before his mind could catch up with decision.

“Yes?” Atem spoke rather loudly, phone close to his ear.

“Um… Atem? Hi.” Yugi sounded as confused as he deserved to be after Atem realized how oddly he had answered the phone.   

“Hey, Yugi,” Atem got up and began pacing around the room. “Um. Sorry. The phone just scared me, that’s all. I was about to call you, actually.”

Yugi laughed nervously on the other line. “Yeah, I just got done talking to Kaiba. He told me to call his home phone to reach you, I was getting worried that maybe we weren’t seeing each other today because it was past noon and I hadn’t heard anything from you. But, I mean, we- I mean I, I didn’t plan this very well. I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no,” Atem was shaking his head slightly, sat back down and drank from the coffee mug that sat there. “I do, I’m sorry. I just… I have a bad habit of sleeping in. I just woke up.”

Yugi chuckled, he head the rustling of clothes. “Hah, oh geez. Did you stay up late last night?”

Atem paused. Eyes wide. His mind went straight to where it shouldn't, and his heart started pounding in some weird fucked up form of subtle embarrassment.

He didn’t realize how long he paused to answer Yugi’s question.

“No, not really.”

“Oh. Haha. Well.” And he didn’t need to see Yugi to know he was trying to find something to say, mouth opening for a second before snapping shut again.

_Damn it._

“Sorry… I guess I haven’t been able to rest well lately. Since you found me, actually. I rarely sleep under about 14 hours a day, it’s kind of crazy. I get exhausted incredibly fast too.” He laughed to try and make things okay. “So if I fall over while we’re at the teashop and break into snores, you’ll know why.”

“That’s kind of worrisome.” And Yugi _did_ sound concerned, he could feel his eyes on him through the phone, wide and empathetic.

“Yeah, a little bit. But it’s fine, trust me.” Atem sat up straight, stared at the inactive computer monitor. “Hey, we should be talking about this over tea, don’t you think?”

A small chuckle on the other line. “Yeah, I do. Um, do you have a ride over? Or, I might be able to get Joey to come and get you but I’m not sure where Kaiba lives and Joey’s car does _terrible_ in a lot of snow. I imagine Kaiba’s road doesn’t get driven on a lot, _wherever_ that is.”

Atem felt his heart sink. _Seto really was so terribly isolated._

“Don’t worry, I have money for a cab. It’ll take a second for someone to arrive, and a bit more for me to arrive at the teashop. So…” Atem looked up in thought. Stared at dust that stuck to the ceiling fan. “How does an hour from now sound?”

“No, no. That should be fine, I just have to get Joey off the couch to take me.”

Atem heard a distorted whine in the distance. _He hadn’t heard Joey’s voice in years._

He bit his lip.

He wondered if Joey knew about what Atem had done, the things he said. He wondered if Yugi had told him about the shadows, about how the walls caved in that night. The sweating shameful mess of anxieties that stained the carpets black.

Joey could very well hate him now, and he wouldn’t blame him. But all the same, he wished Joey would sympathize in the slightest, that he would smile at him like he used to. But everyone was different nowadays, it only seemed natural that Joey would surprise him in some way. And Atem felt awful because he didn’t want to feel like he ruined everyone he touched.

_I just wanted to help._

“...Atem?”

_Gods, the walls were so plain and the air never sounded fuzzier_

“Hello?”

Atem’s entire body jolted back to life, eyes suddenly awake, but they shut a second later because _fuck he really needed to stop accidentally sitting on his rear too harshly,_ and he held the phone close to his ear again.

“Oh! Yes, I’m here. Yeah, sorry about that. I spaced out a little bit I suppose. An hour from now sounds great.”

A bit of silence. And he felt his heart radiate warmth, exhaled and smiled because he could _feel Yugi smiling too._

“See you soon,” Yugi softly and _ever so contently_ replied. Atem could feel Yugi’s anxiousness, his hopefulness, the nerves, the fear of their last encounter, the silent prayer that things would go well.

Because they couldn’t remain separated anymore, not while they were both alive on Earth.

“See you soon.”

Atem hung up the phone and stared at his cold breakfast. Thought of Seto. Yugi’s kitchen. Thought of that first night, replayed _every_ event in his head, a distorted reel-to-reel smudged with dirt and tears.

He didn’t want to leave Yugi waiting any longer than he already had, and it was already _so late._ He called the cab, spent his time waiting for it by touching the walls of the house, dragging his hand along the countertop in the kitchen. And he kind of wished Seto was there, right then, to take him over the counter. To assure him that everything would go well, have his stress relief be Seto’s fingers trailing from his neck into his hair, warm breath against his collarbones.

Atem opened his eyes, stared vacantly at the kitchen sink.

 _“Gods,”_ he muttered to himself.

Eventually the cab came, and Atem felt ridiculously awkward giving a stranger permission into Seto Kaiba’s estate. But he was thankful that it wasn’t the stupid cab driver from that first night. They left the house behind the snowcapped trees, and Atem felt unsettled that it was the first time he’d ever left the house without _him._

 

* * *

 

The heater in Joey’s car barely worked, and by the time he and Yugi got to the teahouse it had _just_ started to get warm.

Joey put the car into park and turned to face him.

“I understand… _why_ you’re doing this. I mean, I care about him too. But I care about you more, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Yugi’s heart was pounding and he felt it shift his coat with every anxious breath.

He smiled. “I know, Joey. Thank you, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. I mean, this is the only way things can get better, right?”

Joey sighed, leaned his head against the seat. “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He put a hand on Yugi’s shoulder, left it there before shaking it lightly. He was wearing dark green knit gloves, Yugi always liked them.

Joey grinned. “I still know how to throw a punch or two, you know.”

Yugi laughed quietly. _“Stop,_ we all know you’d win in a fist fight. I’m sure even Atem knows he wouldn’t win that one. He’s a smart guy.” Yugi felt something in his heart twist, because saying _smart guy_ seemed almost insulting, because _Gods_ he was so much more than that.  

“Hah, yeah. Well I’m burning up gasoline just sitting here, you better go chase down that nerd. Tell him I said hi, ‘kay? And let me know if you need me to grab you earlier than planned.”

“Okay.” Yugi smiled, high-fived one of Joey’s gloved hands before leaving the car.

Joey sighed as he let the car roll forward.

Turned the radio on, rubbed his hands together because the car was still cold.

“This is really something, isn’t it?”

And he was worried, worried about _everything_ that could possibly damage Yugi because he was already the thinnest of glass. Of course, Joey wasn’t certain his assumption was correct. But he didn’t want to find out, find Yugi broken in pieces so small and sharp it looked like snow.

So all Joey had to do was keep him standing. But even that was _so hard._


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a massive loss of desire to upload chapters or really do anything relating to enjoying/posting content lately, but my goal is to make it to 2018 at the bare minimum.  
> Sorry if uploads become inconsistent.  
> However, under the circumstances that this fic does go under hiatus, I will say so and put it in the fic's description.  
> Thanks as always, and the support via comments, kudos, and other means really do mean the world to me and thank you to all of you who have been sticking with me this long.  
> 40 chapters in, and just about to that one year mark.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

Atem mumbled his gratitude as he stepped out of the cab, leaving him standing in front of the teahouse. The place Yugi had wanted to take him weeks ago. He pushed the door open and was met immediately with warmth from a heater. Thick air from breathing, speaking humans.

He spotted Yugi immediately, messy purple hair stood out amongst the rest. A dark mahogany table in the back of the room, two mismatched chairs.

And _Gods,_ Atem wanted to cry. He hadn’t seen Yugi since he was crumpled in _death_ in that hallway. He didn’t want to count seeing Yugi in his nightmares, that would be unfair. The only difference now, was that he was bundled up in warmer clothes, hair a little more disheveled. But…

_It was Yugi._

_Yugi._

He didn’t know what he was doing, didn’t know he had walked faster than normal to reach the table the other one was sitting at.

Yugi had known Atem arrived before he opened the dense wooden door, before Atem had quickly made his way to where he was sitting. But he was already standing and he walked towards him. He was glad Atem wrapped his arms around him as tightly as he did when they hugged, because Yugi was sure he would’ve fell over backwards from how hard Atem embraced him.

He yelped a little from the force, but he pressed his fingers into Atem’s coat. Forehead snug against his scarf. And it was expected but it was strange, that Atem’s blank scent from when he found him in the forest was gone and replaced by the faint scent Kaiba always had.

And something in Yugi hurt.

But Atem, _Gods, he was happy,_ because Yugi, everything about him was the same. He worried he had left him damaged that night, but he was here. And he still smelled of warmth and candles. If he didn’t know any better, he would have assumed it was the air from Yugi’s lungs and the movement of his arms and hands that erected the teahouse from the wet dirt under cement and support beams.

Their eyes were closed, brows drawn together to keep from crying, and they knew everyone in the teahouse was probably staring at them. An unusual pair, equal in height and physique, similar in so many ways. And they both didn’t want to move, didn’t want to let go because they didn’t know how to continue past this.

But they eventually let fingers fall to their sides again.

“Let’s... “ Yugi’s voice was shaken. “Let’s see if we can get some tea, okay?” He was smiling, face contorted to try to keep tears from falling.

They both walked to the counter, and Atem wasn’t surprised to see that everyone knew Yugi. But one girl, a barista with soft black hair, she wouldn’t quit looking his way. Eyes squinting, face incredulous.

She walked over a few seconds later, heels clicking loudly against the hardwood floor. She stopped and turned to Yugi.

“This, this is your friend isn’t it?” She was smiling, kept on looking between the two of them.

Yugi’s face suddenly flushed, eyes glued to anything that moved on the floor. Body shifting nervously, fingers threading through his bangs. “Oh, um. Yeah, yeah it’s him. We wanted some tea actually-”

But she was excited. “I’m so glad you finally got to see him again!” She turned to look at Atem. “You know, Yugi has come in for a while now and he always sits in the same spot and draws. Have you seen his drawings of you? They’re gorgeous!” She laughed. “Though, you two look so similar I thought he was just drawing himself for the longest time until I asked about it.”

Atem’s mouth was parted slightly in surprise, before he smiled and looked at Yugi.

“You used to _draw_ me?”

Yugi’s cheeks were _incredibly_ red, a comical frown in embarrassment. And he _refused_ to look at anything but his shoes. “I mean, a few times. Because, I missed you. You know. I drew other people too, not just you. I just, I missed you, and…”

“That makes me happy. Don’t feel bad about it, the thought is nice.” He nudged Yugi’s arm. “You’ll have to show me sometime. You _never_ used to draw when I could see it.”

Yugi shrugged, hands fiddling with each other.

The girl leaned over the counter, arms crossed. “Hey, Yugi… ah! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you, I just… I got excited because he seemed, um, seems really important to you. I guess, just seeing you with him made me really happy.” She scratched at the sleeve of her blouse. “Um. Sorry, I, tell you what. How about, you two can choose any tea you’d like today and it’s on me. Okay?”

Yugi finally looked at her, unusual in demeanor, face still slightly blushed. “I mean… if you don’t mind. That would be nice, I’m kind of low on money right now.”

“No, no, no. Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry for being intrusive.” She held her hand out towards Atem.

“Oh, and, it’s nice to meet you. My name’s Sam.”

He shook her hand, smiled. “Atem. Thank you for the tea.”

When she walked away, Yugi bumped his shoulder. “Well, I guess I _did_ get us tea out of pity. No need for poker after all.”

Atem trusted Yugi’s judgement and let him choose what they drank. He was expecting him to chose something with cinnamon, something warm. But he chose a strong tasting oolong, rich and bitter. And when they sat down, there in that table in the back of the teahouse, Atem was sad for some reason. Maybe it was just because he expected Yugi’s tastes to be different, something sweet and lovely. But he knew he was just being stupid.

“Do you not like it?”

Atem opened his eyes, and he was staring down into his teacup.

Smiled. “No, it’s good. I like it.”

And they both waited for the other one to speak.

“How’s-”

“How’ve-”

A small laugh.

“You go first.”

Yugi sat up straight. “How’ve things been? How’s living with Kaiba?”

Atem _knew_ this question was inevitable, but he was scared of answering it. And out of everything they could talk about, the subject of Seto seemed like it was the only thing that could shatter the table between them. And he didn’t know how much he wanted to tell him, all he knew was that he couldn’t stop thinking of last night.

“You know, it’s not that bad. We butted heads a little bit the first night, but…”

Atem closed his eyes. He didn’t want to be dishonest, he didn’t want to lie. And he didn’t want to feel like he and Seto’s… _whatever they were_ was something to hide.

He wanted their relationship to shine outwardly, and he knew Yugi would see the bright beams eventually. Knew they would hurt him. But he didn’t want Yugi to stumble in too late and damage his eyes because they were pretty and they needed to stay open.

Atem sighed, and Yugi’s face was so _expecting._ And he hated starting their meeting with hurt. But if they were able to move past this, then he and Yugi would be okay, somehow.

He closed his eyes, breathed deeply.

“We’ve gotten pretty close.” He thought of Seto’s sheets. Paused, and Yugi was looking at him. He swallowed nothing. “Um… we’ve gotten very close, actually.” He thought of Seto’s hands, the marks that were covered by his scarf. “Like… as in, we…”

“Yeah,” Yugi replied, hands clenching the cup he was holding. And he was smiling softly, eyes staring at the teapot. “Yeah.” He smiled to prevent himself from looking anything but happy for Atem. “Yeah.” His throat hurt because his brain told him to cry but he didn’t want to because that would be _stupid._ “Yeah.” He smiled again but it came out strange. “Sorry, I’ll...” _I’ll say something other than ‘yeah,’_ but his throat was choked with something he knew so well, and he wanted his mind to shut the fuck up. He tried to prevent it, but his eyes began to wet with tears.

“Sorry. _Stupid,”_ he covered his eyes with his palms, “I’m being stupid. Sorry.”

Atem got up and left, and Yugi was about to press his fingers into his eye sockets because of his absence until he heard him speak from across the room. He could hear him from anywhere because his voice felt like home and Yugi heard it from within before his ears could.

“Yugi and I are going to step out for a moment, is that okay?”

Someone said “okay.”

Atem grabbed his arm so lightly, he barely felt it through his coat but the warmth was there.

“C’mon.” Atem’s voice was soft. There was comfort in it, and Yugi wanted to sleep in it. But he knew that someone else heard it during the night. _But oh, wasn’t that selfish because he himself was the one who told him to sleep on the couch that first night._ Everything felt rotten because Yugi didn’t know _what_ he wanted, _how_ he wanted things. But Atem knew, so he deserved to call the shots. Yugi kept his head downcast, childishly thought that if all he could see was the old wooden panels on the floor, they’d be the only ones that knew he was crying.

They stepped outside into the cold, and _damn it,_ now the snow could see him cry. Atem lead him around the corner, to the side of the teashop. There was nobody around, everyone took shelter from the frigid air except for them.

“Why,” Yugi’s lip was trembling and he blamed the cold, “why’d we go outside? The tea’s gonna get cold. You, me, too. It’s chilly outside, you know.”

But Atem didn’t answer, not just yet. He chose to hug him instead. Yugi understood. So he graciously accepted Atem’s offer and cried on his shoulder, and it was loud. Unrestricted sobs, muffled by Atem’s scarf that he had tucked his face into. The wind picked up just slightly, but they didn’t care. Their hair blew with the wind and their bodies were as still as they could be, but Yugi’s stomach was shifting violently with his cries and Atem’s hand was rubbing small ideas of support onto Yugi’s back.

And they waited, they waited until their bodies unloaded pent up stress, until there was no more room left to cry. Until they could both exhale their sorrows through their mouths, through their tear ducts, until the warmth that was laced with octane was finally depleted from them both entirely with only calm exhaustion left in its place.

But even when they were both quiet, they remained hugging because it was winter, and they radiated warmth together.

“Yugi…”

And Yugi pursed his lips, felt _something_ because Atem’s voice was so close and he said _his name._

“I know that was probably something you didn’t want to hear, and that it was really abrupt. But I didn’t want to… shrug it off until the last second, that seems unfair to you because I want to be honest with you more than anyone else.” Quiet. “...And it would be unfair to Seto as well.”

Atem paused for a while before speaking again. Yugi was still, listening.

“I was a little surprised things turned out this way. But… he’s really a very nice person. He just…” Atem smiled. “He never had the chance to be, and I guess he forgot about himself along the way. We’ve really helped eachother out.”

Yugi pulled away from the hug gently, wiped at his eyes. “I’m not shocked, you know. I had a feeling you two had started to get close. Kaiba has been nicer to me recently. More than he… ever has been, I think. And the only thing that changed recently was you living with him.”

Yugi did his best to smile.

“I think you make him really happy and bring out the best in him. You have a habit of doing that. It’s something no one else can do quite like you.”

Atem frowned, contemplated his words. Put his hands in his pockets, and the snow blew around them. “That’s… that’s not entirely true. It’s not true because I hurt _you.”_

“No,” Yugi laughed quietly, “I mean I deserved it I was being-”   

“No,” Atem was stern. “No, you didn’t. I think that… the situation was a bit ...frustrating for me and I deserved to be _slightly_ upset. But in absolutely _no_ circumstance did you deserve to be yelled at like that, and I certainly didn’t mean the words I said.” Atem’s brow furrowed. “And… and you were so _hurt,_ and I just left you there. I knew how awful of a condition you were in, and I selfishly stormed out. And I’m _so… so sorry_ for that Yugi. I’m so sorry.”

Yugi was smiling at the ground, so subtle and serene.

“It’s okay, Atem. Really.”

“I mean it’s not _okay,_ ” Atem chuckled, “but if you could accept my apology, that would be all I could ever need.”

Yugi looked up at him. “I accept your apology, Atem. _Only_ if you accept mine for messing with your feelings like an idiot when you were already confused and all that.”

_Things were going so well._

“I accept your apology,” Atem replied, and he was content. “We should go back inside, our tea’s going to get cold.”

“Okay.”

When they sat back down at the table with the two mismatched chairs, their tea was still warm. Everything felt so nice the tea tasted much better.

_They talked about everything._

_(“Oh, Joey told me to say hi for him, by the way.”_

_“Did he? Tell him I said hi and that I miss him. We should all play a game sometime. I could bring Seto maybe-”_

_“I dunno about that. They don’t like each other too much._

_“No more than usual though, right?”_

_“Eh, not really. They got into a small fistfight last year.”_

_“Holy shit. Why?”_

_“Oh boy. Well.. I had thrown a sort of… memorial and birthday party for you. It’s kinda funny telling you this, cause… you’re here, but Kaiba got kind of angry and everyone was drinking a little bit and… yeah. You can ask him about it if you want details, hah.”_

_“Yeah, we’ll see. Who won though?”_

_“Oh, Joey by a longshot.”_

_“Oh geez.”)_

_(“How’s the heater working at the game shop? I remember it used to always have issues during the winter. Remember that one time when it went out for like 4 days or something? You went to bed with about 6 blankets over you and you were still cold.”_

_“Haha, yeah I remember that. It was old and cheap, barely worked. Grandpa always made sure the storefront was cozy, but fixing the vents that ran through the bedrooms and the kitchen were always last priority.”_

_“Yeah… I was wondering because this winter has been unusually cold and snowy. You’ll probably need at least 10 blankets now._

_“I’m… actually not staying at grandpa's right now.”_

_“Oh really? Why?”_

_“I… um, well. Funny story. I couldn’t pay any of the utilities, you know, electricity and water and all of that. I ran out of all the money in my savings, and… I barely have anything. I haven’t uh, worked in a while. Joey’s letting me stay with him right now. I’m looking for a job, but… haven’t got anything yet. I’m actually waiting to hear back from here, I might have a shot but the manager only checks applications on slow days and… maybe they might look today. Who knows.”_

_“Oh wow. I’m sorry. That makes two of us that are unemployed, though. So that’s something._

_“Haha… I guess. You have an excuse though, you were… away. I don’t know how you… legally... can, you know.”_

_“Seto made it possible. But. Uh. I… that exhaustion stuff I talked about on the phone, it’s a bit of a problem. Unless I get hired somewhere that pays me every hour I sleep. I’d be pretty damn rich.”_

_“Haha. That sounds pretty… weird, though. Maybe you should see someone?_

_“I don’t know.”)_

 

_(“So… does Kaiba like, cuddle and stuff?”_

_“...What? I, well how would I…:_

_“C’mon, Atem. Sounds like you guys are gushy, that’s what you meant earlier, right?”_

_“Well, yes, I suppose… yeah. Don’t tell him I told you this, but-”_

_“Why would I ever talk to Kaiba about cuddling?”_

_“Hah, I don’t fucking know. True. Uhm, well I guess he does. I mean, you should see him. He’s actually very… cute.”_

_“Ewww.”_

_“He’s actually quite happy nowadays. I think… KaibaCorp and his stepfather just kind of messed him up a little, but. He’s… actually kind of a dork. But a good one. He smiles and laughs a lot, and I think he just… wants the feeling of being close physically to someone because it’s new and something he hasn’t had much of… so in short, yes, he does.”_

_“Kaiba laughing is kinda a scary thought. Everything you’re saying sounds so unlike him, but I believe you. He definitely quieted down after Mokuba left.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“...Yeah.”_

_“...”_

_“Have you guys fucked yet?”_

_“Good Gods, Yugi! That sounds so vulgar coming from you. Why would you even ask that? I, why would I even, I’m not going to answer that.”_

_“Hahah. Keep your voice down Atem, unless you want everyone in the teahouse to eavesdrop.”_

_“Oh. Yeah. Quit giggling, you monster.”_

_“Your face is just so funny, sorry. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so flustered.”_

_“I’ll… dump the pot of tea over your head.”_

_“Do it.”_

_“No.”)_

By the time they were done talking about everything meaningful and meaningless the tea light had gone out.

Their drinks were barely warm,

But the room was.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about this chapter being kind of late. :')   
> Also, warning for references to minor character deaths in the past, and references to Joey's father being awful, but nothing explicitly said otherwise.   
> And a bit of suggestive stuff.   
> I don't know.   
> Thank you for all the support this last week.   
> It means a lot, it really does.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._  

 

* * *

 

_Their drinks were barely warm,_

_but the room was._

Yugi was reminiscing, talking about past duels, good times they had.

Atem acknowledged quietly, nodded his head and smiled. Added a few stories of his own. And they felt old, sitting there in the teashop talking about adventures long past. But Atem was tired of feeling spent, tired of feeling old.

But he loved hearing Yugi talk, so he let him. Closed his eyes, thought of past friends, dragons and magicians.

“... and I still can't get over how fucking _weird_ Pegasus’s deck was. For being the creator and illustrator of Duel Monsters, he sure chose silly designs. He could’ve had the coolest looking cards and he just… _didn’t.”_

“Mhmm,” Atem replied, face resting in his palm. Eyes still closed.

Yugi laughed a little. “Are you falling asleep?”

“Mmmh.”

Yugi scooted his chair over to his side, moved Atem’s teacup aside before he could drop his head onto it. He shook his shoulder lightly. “Hey, are you ready to go home?”

Atem opened his eyes just barely, looked at Yugi. Sort of. “Yeah.”

“Okay, okay.”

And Yugi waited, but Atem didn’t say anything, he just closed his eyes again.

“Do… you have a cab?”

Atem nodded slightly.

“...Okay, let’s call it. Do you have Kaiba’s address? Because he sure as hell never gave it to me.”

“... _Fuck,_ ” Atem slurred, eyebrows furrowed. And good _Gods,_ Atem looked like he was about to cry from petty frustration.

Yugi sighed. “...You don’t have a phone with you, do you?”

“No.”

“Kaiba’s address?”

“...”

The teahouse was starting to become quiet, people were leaving. Some of the employees were looking at them. Yugi tapped his fingers on the table, looked around in thought before pulling his phone out of his bag. He flipped through his contacts until he found Kaiba’s number. But of _course,_ he was busy, and the call went straight to his voicemail.

“Hey,” Yugi spoke into the phone and kept on nudging Atem’s shoulder to try and keep him awake. “Atem came to have tea with me and everything was going fine but now he’s _really_ starting to fall asleep. I can’t call a cab for him because _I_ don’t know your address, and he either doesn't know it or is too tired to recall it.” Atem’s head started to bob, Yugi pinched his cheek and he whined quietly. “Um…” Yugi kept on tapping his fingers, bit his lip. “We can’t stay here, though. And… I think I’ll have Joey come and get us both and he can sleep there. Um, I’ll have my phone with me and stuff, I can, or I guess, he can call you or talk to you when you’re off of work. Sorry. I’m not really sure what else to do. I’ll… talk to you later. Bye.”

By the time Yugi had called Joey to pick them up, Atem’s head was resting on the table, breathing deeply.    

The barista from earlier, Sam, her heels clicked through the quiet room when she walked to their table.

Yugi looked around, tried to think of an excuse. Atem was a natural phenomenon in his own way, consciousness and demeanor that had significance beyond understanding. And he was sleeping soundly in the teahouse, refused to get up for any reason.  

She gestured towards the teapot and the cups, Yugi nodded and she picked up the dishes as quietly as she could.

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah,” Yugi forgot he sucked at lying, “he just… he’s narcoleptic. This happens a lot.”

She was looking at him, concerned. Eyes flickering between the two of them.

But she smiled, turned to walk away. “Well, as long as he doesn’t snooze past closing time.”

Time wasted away, and eventually Sam sat down at the table with them. She and Yugi spoke quietly, but Yugi wished they were shouting. He just wanted Atem to wake up because there was still so much left unspoken.

Sam was staring at the sleeping form, observing the patterns Yugi drew onto Atem’s arm with his fingers.

She sighed, rested her cheek in her palm. “You know, he’s got a near perfect complexion. I’m kinda jealous, actually.”

Yugi laughed and he felt self conscious. He traced his thumb over his own cheekbones, on the spots where he habitually picked at his acne. “Yeah, he kinda does, doesn’t he? Lucky duck.”

And he thought of things she would never know.

What Atem’s spine looked like when he was curled in the forest. When the sun casted splotches of light onto skin without flaws. But he was the only one, he knew, the only one on Earth that deserved such simple holy privileges as a body without damage.

Because he had taken the form of other people's wounds for years, shaped them perfectly; they disappeared when he let his body become dust.

He guessed that Atem knew by now. Knew that his body was not the same one from birth. Yugi knew the second he saw him, because he had seen the imagined version of his genuine skin, when they raced through memories.

And he was glad that Atem didn’t find mirrors when he stepped into his home. He only felt the walls with his hands, the carpet beneath his cheek. But Seto, he must’ve known as well. Yugi knew that he’d most likely already found Atem’s skin in the night, that he had felt the smooth curves without damage, how soft he must’ve felt in the dark. He wondered if they’d had sex, if Atem’s first time was better than his own.

He thought of the unknown, tried to guess if the curious images in his head rang true. If Seto had ever had Atem’s back against a wall, how it must’ve arched if there were lips on his neck. What Atem sounded like when he moaned, what his face would look like. If he’d ever blown Seto, if they’d said dirty things.  

“...Yugi?”

Sam was looking at him. Her irises were _really_ grey, and her hair was black. Everything about her seemed monochrome, but she seemed happier than anyone he knew.

“Sorry,” he was frustrated in _too many ways,_ “I was spacing out a little.”

He gritted his teeth, thought about how full of life her eyes looked, _how dead the nameless girl’s were,_ and he was tired of wanting to be impulsive and sad.

“Well,” Sam stood up and smiled. “I’m gonna start closing the store but you two can sit there for a while longer. You might have to lift your friends head while I wipe the tables down, though. Hah.”

And Yugi knew he was supposed to reply to her, but he wanted to say something _incredibly stupid._

_‘Okay, I’m really lonely and horny right now, I’d ask if I could kiss your lips but I’ve learned that is a stupid thing to do, so can I eat you out instead, please?’_

He chose to nod instead and shut his mouth tightly. 

“Okay,” Sam replied, and she walked away.

The teahouse was uncomfortably silent other than the sound of heels clicking on the floor and the occasional snore from Atem. Yugi tried to wake him up a few times but it was in vain. He was certain he could push Atem out of his chair and he’d probably just curl up on the wooden panels and mumble in his sleep.

Sam even dropped a glass at one point and Yugi clenched the table in shock, but Atem just kept on sleeping.

It didn’t take long for Joey to show up, cold air and snowflakes blowing in when he opened the wooden door.

Sam straightened her posture and set down the bar towel she was flinging in the air.

“Sorry sir, we’re closed.”

“Nah” Joey smiled and rubbed the cold from his nose, “I’m here to pick up those nerds.”

Sam turned to look at Yugi, who smiled back, and she mumbled something politely before attending to other closing chores.

“Hey buddy,” Joey said as he knelt down next to the table they were sitting at, swinging an arm around Yugi to hug him. Hand on his shoulder. Yugi rested his hand on his for a second, patting it before resting his own on the table.

Joey shrugged, looked at Atem. “You know, it’s really weird seeing him sleeping in warm n’ fuzzy clothes like this.” He laughed. “Last time…” he paused. “Okay, not like, the _last_ last time I saw him, but you know, in his memories and stuff… I dunno, he was all dressed up in gold and expensive things and looked a little bit rough around the edges. Looking determined and ready to fight even when he was kicked into the dirt. I dunno, _Atem_ and _tired_ don’t really go together to me.”

Yugi laughed a little. “Yeah. I don’t really think he can help it this time, though. Apparently this is just normal for him now. He didn’t really talk about it much, but I bet it’s really upsetting, knowing him and how much he likes to be involved and doing stuff.”

Joey nodded, patted Yugi’s shoulder firmly before kneeling at Atem’s side.

“Long time no see, eh?” He shook Atem’s shoulder lightly, but all he did was whine softly in his sleep. _“Geez._ You weren’t lying Yugi, he really is out cold, huh?”

Hearing Joey affirm the obvious made Yugi feel worse. “Yeah.”

“Well, let’s get going.”

“Okay.”

Yugi waved at Sam after he gathered his things, watched Joey tuck his arms under Atem’s knees and shoulder blades. Atem looked so small in Joey’s arms, wrapped in winter clothing and sleeping as peacefully as a child that stayed up too late watching TV.

Sam smiled. “Bye, Yugi and…”

“Joey.”

“Oh! Okay. Bye Joey. And… I hope your friend feels better.”

“Me too,” Yugi replied. And he was honest.

Yugi opened the door, and Joey stepped sideways through the door and carried Atem to his car, placed him in the back seat and secured his seat belt.

And Joey felt terrible for some reason, but he was also happy.

_Happy because he could finally do something for Atem, felt blessed that he was given the opportunity to keep him safe._

The car ride back was silent, mostly. Until Yugi started to fidget with his fingernails too much, and Joey was tired of the silence.

So he brought up everything about Atem, everything _but_ his stay with Seto. And they were nearly home now.

“It’ll be kinda nice getting a second opinion on my deck, though.” Joey smiled. “Who knows, maybe he’d be up to playing if you aren’t.”

Yugi smiled back, but that was all he offered.

He thought of the last time Atem held cards, the last time they’d both played.

And he _just got him back,_ he didn’t want to kill him again.

“Yeah,” Yugi replied.

The car rolled to a stop in the protesting snow in front of Joey’s house. It was an old run down thing, an unwanted but received memento from his father. He’d drank himself to death some time ago now, so soon after the Ceremonial Duel. Joey and Yugi both, they’d been thrown into the cold, into the loss of all. But Joey didn’t care that his father died because he was rotten, and he was vile.

So he held Yugi’s shoulder when they were watching TV late into the night and he’d start to cry for no reason.

_“I just… I miss him, Joey. I miss him so much. I miss grandpa. He’s the one that found Atem. He found him in his tomb and he brought me my adventure in life. He, he brought me Atem. And they’re both gone, now. I don’t even have the puzzle. They’re gone. They’re both gone. I loved both of them, and they’re gone.”_

Joey never cried over the death of his father. But he took his home, and the price he paid for it wasn’t money, only the echoes of bad memories that would forever stain the walls.

He took the keys out of the ignition and gave them to Yugi.

“Go open the door for me, will ya? My hands’ll be kinda full.”

Yugi nodded, waited to watch Joey scoop Atem from the car, who hadn’t been disturbed by the car ride at all, nor Joey’s struggle to lift him from the seat.

And Yugi was scared that maybe he’d never wake up at all. That it was his fault somehow, that Kaiba would yell at him and threaten to end _everything_. But he hoped for better, hoped that maybe they’d just felt each other's skin too late into the night and Atem was just spent. Joey set him on the couch when they got inside, only disturbed his body by taking his shoes and jacket off, covering him with a blanket, and sitting with Yugi at the table.

They had tea, played pinochle with well loved cards. An old deck his grandfather always kept around. Yugi learned how to play at a young age and loved it dearly, but when Duel Monsters exploded in popularity like it did, he forgot about it. So his grandfather quit asking to play. Put the deck somewhere on a high shelf and it collected dust. Yugi only found it a few months ago, and he cried.

Things remained content and there was something about having Atem there that made things feel like _home,_ like family. Because there was nobody on the mortal plane now that Yugi loved more than those two.


	42. Chapter 42

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._  

* * *

The two were grinning, topping each others bets over and _over_ again because they both must’ve been confident they had a _damn good hand_ when Yugi’s phone went off.

Yugi set his cards down and looked at the screen, Kaiba’s name looked back at him. He lifted the phone to his cheek.

“Hello?”

_“Yugi? Hi. I got your message, is Atem okay?”_

Yugi frowned. “Yeah, he’s asleep. He said he had issues with sleeping too much, but it was just kind of abrupt when it happened. We were at the coffee shop, but we’re home now. He hasn’t woken up since. And uh, that was probably a little over an hour ago.”

A bit of a pause on the phone, the sound of a car starting. Kaiba sounded out of breath, and Yugi had never heard him sound so _worried._ And he wondered just how much Atem had breathed love into his skin. He wondered how it must’ve looked.

He wondered how deep Atem had to dive into the disgusting tar that tainted Seto’s body for years, how far he had to press into the dark before he found Seto’s smooth hand- one that had been cemented under his own agony for so many years. It was like Atem was born again in new skin when he found him in the forest that day, brought here only to pull Seto from the depths of Earth. And Yugi wanted to cry, he felt as insignificant as that girl told him he was.

_You saved him, Gods, save me too._

He felt selfish for thinking of his own suffering. Felt selfish because he knew it didn’t compare.

_Save me, let me be selfish, Gods, save me,_

He forgot Kaiba was talking.

_“Yugi? Answer me please.”_

Joey was staring at him too, and he felt like he had the attention of the universe. But it was _the wrong one._ And suddenly, he didn’t want to be selfish for the same reasons anymore, he wanted to hang up and lay on the couch next to Atem. He just wanted comfort. _He didn’t want him to leave._

“Yeah, yeah.” Yugi swallowed nothing. “Yeah.”

Seto signed on the other line, Yugi heard the car accelerate rapidly. He was driving hastily.

_“What do you mean, ‘yeah?’ Are you listening to me at all?”_

Kaiba sounded angry, but he sounded panicked. Yugi clenched his eyes shut, felt stupid. _Kaiba cared so much._

“Sorry Kaiba. I was spacing out. Sorry. What did you say?”

_“Is he sleeping soundly? Does he look like he’s in discomfort? Anything?”_

Yugi felt dread along his spine. He thought the days of fate and agony were long past, but Atem, _he was still suffering, wasn’t he?_

“He’s… fine. He’s fine.”

_“Okay. I’m on my way, but if anything happens, just try to keep him in one place. Don’t let him get up or anything, have Joey help, he’s stronger than you.”_

Yugi felt static in his ears. _Why?_ “Um, okay. I, what, what exactly do you mean?”

_“...”_

Atem shifted and muttered in his sleep.

_“He has terrifying dreams. He… sometimes gets bad enough that he’ll start screaming or trying to run. He’ll be somewhere between being asleep and awake and he gets severely hysterical.”_

Yugi said nothing. He only cursed the Gods quietly, but he hoped they couldn’t hear him. If they did, Atem would start screaming.

“Okay.”

_“...Sorry. I should’ve told you earlier.”_

Yugi shook his head softly. “No, you’re fine.”

But Yugi felt stupid, cursed the Gods more because fate was _too cruel._ Told them they were rotten, to leave everyone alone. Atem’s breaths sounded increasingly labored. It was happening, and he knew it was his fault. The Gods, they were cruel.

_“I’ll be there soon, okay?”_

He walked over to the couch, saw that Atem pushed the blanket to the floor. His face was pained, he was suffering. What started as small noises of discomfort became moans of fear and pain.

_“What was that? What was that noise?”_

Yugi started to panic.

_“Hello? Yugi?”_

Atem’s hands were shaking. He was starting to cry, sounds of suffering.

Yugi felt his brain lock up.

_“Yugi! Damnit, this is not the time for you to be like this. Ask Joey to stand by in case Atem gets bad. I’ll be there shortly, I’m not going to bother knocking on the door. Bye.”_

Joey was trying to talk to him too, mouthing words of concern. Eyes shifting between he and the shaking form on the couch.

“I’m sorry,” Yugi felt abysmal and _stupid._ “I’m sorry.”

_“It’s fine, I’ll be there soon. Bye.”_

But Yugi wasn’t apologizing to him, he was apologizing to Atem. To the Gods.

And he, _the God torn from his throne and his peace,_ he thrashed and screamed. And it was terrifying and Yugi couldn’t do _anything_ because he never saw Atem like this before. He never saw him display such raw _hurt._ He was certain that if Atem was conscious, he would try to look fine. But he couldn’t, not now. And he was screaming, and Yugi just wanted him to be okay. _He just wanted him to be okay._

“What the hell is going on?” Joey was looking at him. _Everything was collapsing on him._

“Um,” breathing was _terrible,_ “if he, Kaiba said, if he starts to try and get up just,” _he stopped to catch his breath, he couldn’t stop panicking but Atem needed him,_ “just, um, hold him down. Kaiba said. He…” He started to feel the pressure of Earth, he was breathing too fast but he _needed air._ “Can you, yeah.”

“Yugi, calm down. You’re okay” Joey was kneeling next to the couch, hands readily resting on Atem’s arms. And he was _shouting, Gods he was crying, he was hurting._ “Just breathe, buddy. He’ll be fine. If this has happened before, he’ll be fine. He’s a tough guy”

_Nightmares._

Yugi’s eyes flickered between Atem and Joey.

And he remembered, he remembered his own hell. When he woke up on the floor, covered in sweat.

_I hope every time you feel those cards, they feel like the daggers you pressed into my skin. Kill me again. Do it again, do it._

 

He remembered the monster of tar. He remembered what it felt like. _Atem._

 

“Shit!” Joey was holding onto Atem’s body now, because he did exactly what Kaiba said he would. Atem looked like he was awake, eyes open but he was _crying,_ still gasping for life and he was trying to go. _Go._ He dug his nails into Joey’s arm, screamed for him to let go.

And Yugi knew. _He knew._

_Gods he could feel his life moving, because he knew only he could fix this,_

_Only he,_

And he knelt next to Joey, tried to push his arms away.

“Let go Joey, let go. It’s fine.”

_“What?!_ Are you fucking insane, Yugi?” He paused to curse when Atem’s nails broke his skin.

“Let _go,_ Joey!” And he knew he looked determined, _because oh Gods he felt it,_ his fingertips were on fire. He remembered what it felt like to be _needed,_ to save someone.

And Joey did, hesitantly. Atem took advantage of his freedom and started to scramble off the couch.

But Yugi, _he grabbed his hand,_ and Atem screamed. Yugi wrapped his arms around him, his torso, and it burned. _Gods it burned with his pain,_ and Yugi started to cry. But the tears weren’t his own. He felt agony cramp every muscle in his sides, constrict his neck. Atem’s movements slowed, and his screams ceased, only noises of pain between them because _they were one_ in that moment, without skin touching. Only fingers gripping through clothes, through a shaken embrace. _Because they were tied by invisible strings._ Like a bow moving across the thickest string of a cello, the vibrations of Atem’s fears traveled between them. Between the crystallized connection of their souls. Yugi shared it, cried even though he couldn’t see what Atem saw. But he could feel it, _he could feel everything._

_“A-ah,”_ Yugi sobbed, and his legs gave out when Atem’s did. They both collapsed onto the carpet. Yugi held onto him, cried onto his clothing until Atem was still.

The pain stopped.

And Atem woke up.  

 

* * *

 

Seto did as he said opened the door without knocking, ran in because _Gods_ he had never been so worried. They had been lucky in the past, Atem had never had a nightmare while he was at work except for the one time he was there with him. _Why now?_ He’d already felt choked with loneliness at work, his mind playing _sick_ and showing him images of everything he _prayed_ Yugi and Atem weren’t doing.

He thought of the night before, words spoken in the dark. _But those were just words,_ they didn’t compare to the way Seto’s throat pulled against his skin when he thought of Atem, and the terrible feeling of thinking of him with someone else. When he thought of Atem not loving him back.

But now, _Gods,_ he would do anything for Atem to be okay. Anything to see him alive in Joey’s house, because he saw blood in his thoughts and he couldn’t close his eyes tight enough to drive the image away. His feet carried him to the living room.

“Atem,” he was out of breath. “Ah…”

And his feet carried him no further.

 

Because everything was fine.


	43. Chapter 43

 

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

  

_And his feet carried him no further._

 

_Because everything was fine._

 

Eyes still wide, mouth parted as he tried to catch his breath, snow still stuck in his hair, on his shoes.

But Atem was there sitting on the couch, awake and looking back at him. Blanket wrapped around his shoulders, Yugi next to him.

Joey sitting across from them on a torn loveseat.

An arm was wrapped around Atem’s back in support, _he and Yugi were so close._

And Seto couldn’t _move._ But he knew he needed to say something.

“I.” _He felt devastated. He felt angry, he felt like tearing his hair out, his own heart._ “I see you’re better, Atem.” He swallowed nothing. Didn’t want to look at _any of them._ Wanted to leave, get in his car and drive until it ran on empty. He smiled weakly, straight faced again.

Yugi didn’t look too much different from the last time he saw him, his hair was a bit more disheveled and his eyes a bit more sullen. Skin a little more unhealthy.

Joey looked the same, he hadn’t been too disturbed by elements out of his control. Good for him.

Atem looked at Yugi, back to Seto. At Yugi’s arm around his shoulders, put together the pieces.

And just seeing this, _seeing Atem fucking figure it out,_ Seto wanted to scream.

_You liar. You liar, you lied. You’re terrible, you’re cruel._

Yugi got the message and put his hands at his side, smiled strangely at Seto. He was nervous. Realized the mistake.

“Hi, Kaiba. Um, I was about to text you but we just wanted to sit down for a second and figured you were already almost here. Atem feels better, we figured some things out that might help the dream problem.”

_Go away, Yugi._

_No, no. I changed my mind. You stay. I’ll go. I’ll leave._

“Ah.” Seto didn’t want to try saying anything else. Didn’t want to look more vulnerable than he already felt. He tried to put up his barriers, his old armor.

 _But Atem, dammit, he said he didn’t need it anymore._ So the barriers, the armor, they’d destroyed it together. And now nothing fit, it all crumbled apart and left him naked and cut before them all.

“I’m glad.” But his face read _empty._ “I’m going to go, now. Atem…”

 

_Why?_

“You have my number.”

That’s all he said before turning to leave.

But he felt light footsteps move the floor beneath him, a soft hand grab his.

_Gods, stop torturing me. Leave me alone._

He kept his face turned from everyone. He’d be damned if Yugi and Joey saw him cry.

“Let go Atem,” he said quietly. His stomach was tearing apart like fingers through old clothing, old t-shirts long since worn. Barely held together through the nights where no other bedwear seemed better.

“But you just got here. I figured you might want to hear what happened.”

Seto laughed without humor. “I’m not sure I’d like that.” He tugged at his hand. “Let go, please.”

But Atem knew better. So he held his hand tighter, kept on holding it and he turned him around, pulling on his sleeve to bend Seto’s shoulders downwards.

Seto’s face was incredulous and confused. “Atem, _stop it.”_

But Atem knew better.

He knew Joey was watching,

_He felt Yugi’s eyes on him,_

And he stood on his toes and pressed his lips to Seto’s.

Emotion stabbed Seto _hard_ like it did when he walked into the livingroom,

_Gods it was glass through all of his organs,_

_It left him bleeding_ _LIGHT,_

Seto felt alive, joy contending viciously with his woes.

He felt life shared with him, in those lips.

And he was just trying not to break down entirely.

Atem was _still_ holding his hands.

He had just _kissed_ him in front of Yugi.

Yugi was smiling the best he could, Seto could tell he was hurt.

He thought of words he had told Atem weeks ago.

 

_You’re like a tide that people love to swim in, but when the tide recedes, it’s too strong and everyone is drowning._

 

Atem’s kindness was terrifying. And Seto felt selfish, because he wanted it for himself.

But he knew,

_He knew he was not the only one who wished for this._

 

Atem was smiling at him.

_I wish you knew how good you were._

“I’m glad you left work early.”

_I wish you knew how brightly you shine,_

“I’m sure you already knew, but I had a bad dream.”

_I wish you knew how badly you damaged my eyes,_

“But Yugi… I think it was the connection our souls have.”

_Oh, you blinded me, you damned beautiful sun;_

“And for some reason, when he came into contact with me, I was able to wake up.”

_I’m blind now, and all I can see is your light._

“When you had walked in, I’d just barely made my way to the couch. I’m still a little dizzy, Yugi was comforting me.”

_Oh you damned star, one day your solar flares will wrap around my waist_

“...Seto?”

_And you’ll pull me in, I’ll be ashes, be nothing._

Seto felt a hand on his face.

“Seto… are you okay? I’m sorry I worried you. We can go home now, if you’d like.”

_And you will become everything._

“I forgot my phone,” Seto mumbled his reply, and turned for the door.

Atem furrowed his brow. “But I asked…”

But Seto had already shut the front door.

Atem turned, looked at Yugi and Joey. Said nothing.

Joey laughed a little. Snorted. “I think it’s safe to say that rich boy didn’t like seeing Yugi’s arm around you. Are you two like… dating or something?”

Atem felt his heart spike at Joey’s words. _Dating?_ He didn’t know.

“I don’t… think so. But I’d say we’re something like that.”

He looked at Yugi. Weary. Uncertain.

Yugi looked like he was holding back many things, his expression faltered every now and then.

“I’m sure Kaiba had his phone on him, I could see the outline of it in his jacket pocket.” Yugi smiled lightly. “I think he’s just… overwhelmed.” Yugi’s voice was quiet. “Tell him… uh, that I’m sorry about the arm thing. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

 

Atem frowned, felt his heart twist.

 _But it meant_ _something,_ _didn’t it?_

_It meant comfort and sympathy._

_Why didn’t anyone understand?_

But Atem smiled. “Yeah.” He walked over to the couch, to Yugi’s side. “I think we’ll have to call it a day, for now. Otherwise Seto might leave without me and I happen to like his house quite a bit.”

“Yeah, I figured.” Yugi got up, wrapped his arms around Atem. And they both felt the quiet spark of their souls touching close, debris from the nightmare. “Go talk to him.”

A moment of silence. Yugi felt a longing. “You’ll… call and see me again, right? Now that we fixed everything, you’ll see me still, right?”

Atem paused before chuckling quietly, hugging Yugi tighter before letting him go. Smiling at him. “Of course I will. I can’t live without you, Yugi. What I have with Seto is important to me, but you are _you,_ the only Yugi Muto in the world. I care about you more than you’ll ever know.”

Yugi wiped at his eyes, pushed Atem’s shoulder playfully. “Okay, okay. Don’t get too sentimental. You’re more to me than you’ll ever know, too. But go see Seto, He deserves your comfort more than anyone. He’s had a hard time. Just… make sure to see me again soon, okay? Or, you can always text or call. Or something. Write me.”

“Hah. Okay.”

They hugged one last time, Atem waved at Joey on his way out. The snow stung his skin immediately, he folded his arms and hunched his shoulders. Snow flattening beneath his feet, Seto’s car parked in the driveway. He wasn’t surprised when he saw Seto sitting inside of it with his head resting on the steering wheel.

He knocked on the passenger seat window. Seto turned his face from where it was resting, eyes looking _tired._ Eyes looking red and hurt. He turned his face away from Atem, but he unlocked the car doors.

Atem opened the door to the passenger side, shut it quickly so Seto’s warmth couldn’t leave. He smiled softly at Seto, but he was still looking elsewhere. Atem waited. He waited longer, but Seto didn’t seem to want to speak first.

“Seto?”

Nothing. But he knew he was listening.

“I know Yugi is the last thing you want me to talk about right now, but… I need you…” Atem sighed. “I need you to be stronger than this. You _are_ stronger than this. I hoped you wouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that Yugi and I were being romantic whatsoever.”

Seto said nothing. Stared at his hands in his lap, past the steering wheel.

“You _know_ how…” Atem chuckled lightly, “you _know_ how terrifying these dreams are for me. How much damage I can do to myself and others. And… Yugi _found_ something to help. He’s helping me, Seto. I kind of figured… you’d be happy for my good health first and foremost, before getting upset about Yugi being there for me. I’ve… tried telling you _so many times_ that Yugi and I’s bond is-”

“I can’t compete with it.”

Seto’s voice was quiet.

Atem’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“The bond you two share. If the concept of ‘soul mates’ is real, it would be discovered by _anyone_ just looking at you two. Yugi is your comfort, he always has been. You and… you two are connected by something I’ll never understand and I’ll _never_ be able to give you that. I’ve done shitty things to people in the past. To you. And I’m nothing but the product of the title ‘Kaiba’ at this point, and…” Seto’s fingers gripped the steering wheel, one at a time. “ _Gods_ I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. To, to make you happy with me. To keep you around because I’m selfish. But… I will never be able to draw you in like he could.”

Atem listened quietly.

“And… just seeing his arm around you… and, I couldn’t stop thinking about you two all day at work. I convinced myself that last night was our peak, and that it was all over now. And it just _hurts_ because you’ve been so _good_ to me that I don’t know what I’d do without you now.”

Atem looked at his feet. “I… I’ve tried my hardest to tell you I’m not leaving. And I want you to trust that my love I have for you, and the one I have for Yugi… they’re different. I need Yugi. But I need you too.”

Seto said nothing.

“Please, trust me. I meant what I said last night, and I want to stay with you exclusively. But I want to not feel… _guilty_ for having Yugi around, especially if my intentions are not what you think they are. I…”

Atem sighed. “I don’t know. I’m trying to keep you happy too, but… I’m not… exclusive.” He looked out the window.

“I just want to be with you.”

“I’m yours, Seto,” Atem replied. “But I’m not yours.”

“Okay.”

“Please trust me. And if if I ever break that trust, you have all rights to hate me forever and kill me or something.”

Seto lifted his head. Atem tried not to smile when he saw a little red mark on his forehead that resembled the pleather patterns on the steering wheel.

“I’m not going to kill you.”

Atem shrugged. “I’d deserve it.”

“No you wouldn’t.”

“Fine,” Atem finally reached for his hand, “then trust that I’m confident enough in myself to bet my life on this.”

Seto sighed. Held his hand, brushed patterns with his thumb onto it. “I’m sorry I’m so… awful about this. I try to not worry… but it's irrational emotions that drive my decisions, not logic. So I worry tremendously despite myself. You’re providing me with a life I’ve never had, and I’m so scared of losing it.” Seto’s thumb traced the lines in his palm. “I don’t want to go back.”

“And you don’t have to,” Atem replied softly.

Seto turned his head, looked at him. Smiled the best he could, and Atem smiled back. He started the car, pulled out of the driveway and they drove home listening to the quiet radio.

The sun was setting, and the snow looked beautiful.

Atem was picking at the frays in his scarf. Occasionally glancing over at Seto’s hands, because he loved them.

“I trust you,” Seto said.

Atem paused his fidgeting, smiled.

And when he saw Seto’s face, he was so _glad_ because Seto looked happy.

“I trust you, Atem.”

“Good.” He let his scarf fall from his hand. “Y’know, we’re not even dating.”

Seto frowned in thought. “Dating? Like… an established partnership?”

“Yes, I suppose so.”

A million thoughts flew through Seto’s head.

_Atem. Dating. ‘Boyfriend.’ Gay. Anniversaries. New Years. Photographs. ‘I love you.’ Sex. Hands. Coats. Atem’s eyes. Lips. Souls. Embraces. Snow. Fingers. Gifts. Bonds. Fate. Growing old. Youth. Egypt. Memories. The livingroom. Dancing. The staircase. The bathtub. Atem’s legs. The kitchen counter. Skin. Words._

Seto blinked. Changed lanes, drove through the oncoming dark. “I’ll look into it.”

Atem chuckled. “What the fuck does _that_ mean?”

Seto shrugged. “You know, how all that works.”

“Ah.”

Seto bit his lip. Saw the front gate come into view. “...Would that be something, in the hypothetical situation that… I asked, or something. Would that… would that be something you’d be interested in?”

Atem felt warmth in his stomach. Content in every way. “Well, of course. It’s not like I have romantic feelings for anyone else, _right?”_

“...”

Atem poked his arm.    

_“Riiight?”_

“Right,” Seto sighed. Grinned softly, pulled into the driveway and turned the engine off. And the dark couldn’t hide how much Atem adored what he saw.

Seto was smiling, cheeks flushed, eyes full of life that he had never seen before, the happiness of a child lost long ago, but he was found right then, right at that moment.

Atem leaned forward, kissed his lips. “Let’s go inside, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

And they found happiness within each other, within the house that felt equally shared between them.

They spent the night in comfort, Atem gave Seto everything he could. He pushed his fears to the far corners, let Seto light candles in the dark. Atem allowed him everything but sex, he was still kind of sore. Seto found himself naked next to him, warmth of skin adorned them both. Two glasses of champagne sitting on a table near the hot tub on the balcony. They watched the city lights, paid attention to how the snow illuminated the world of trees around them. Atem smiled when he saw the snowman they had built the day before. He only thought to turn around when he noticed Seto hadn’t said anything in awhile. He was still there, but only the parts of his face that prevented him from suffocating were above the water's surface. Head turned towards the stars. Hair sprawled underwater like lace and paint.

Atem slid over to where he was, put his hand under his head and pushed him upright.

“Are you okay?”

Seto shrugged, body shaking against the feel of Winter.

“I just… feel bad, I guess. For…” _everything,_ he wanted to say. “I feel like I’m being overbearing. I mean… you’re _you._ You’re the last person on _Earth_ that would want to be contained like this. I’m sorry.”

Atem did the best he could, and leaned Seto’s head against his chest, his long legs resting over his own. He wanted to hold him, but he was so damn _tall_ that this was the best he could do.

“Well,” Atem tucked a wet lock of Seto’s hair behind his back. “There’s a few things wrong with what you said. First, and this is kind of _sad_ but I spent a few thousand years being contained. Most of my recalled and true memories involved being… _that,_ I guess. Second,” he found Seto’s hand underwater and lifted it, laced his fingers and pressed his palm onto his own cheek. “It’s not like you’re holding me here against my will. I’m _very_ aware that I could leave. But I don’t want to, I’d say I have it pretty nice here.” Atem’s hand faltered, just barely. And he bit his lip, remained quiet a second longer before speaking. “And… third, as much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I wish it wasn’t true, I... “ He closed his eyes. “I don’t think… with the peculiar conditions my body has given me, I don’t… think I can really live on my own.” He laughed quietly. “That’s kind of sad, isn’t it?”

Seto pursed his lips. “Admittedly… it is sad. Sad because you deserve so much more. You’re so ambitious and fearless in nature, I hate that you’re suffering from this. It should’ve happened to _anyone_ but you.”

Atem sighed, ran his fingers through Seto’s hair. “But the thing is, I think it was somehow… intentional. I mean… I’ve been here a while now, and I still have _no_ idea why I am alive again in the first place. My body is wrong, and I can’t stay awake for the life of me. But that, and the dreams… I don’t think it’s just a coincidental happenstance of misfortune. Because… Yugi. When he touched me, the dream started to fade away, and… my dreams always involve you or him.”

Seto listened quietly.

“From what I’ve gathered… and what I’ve seen in the past, with you, and others… Misery and hatred can take its own form if you allow it to grow. Almost like a newborn. As strange as that sounds.”

Seto furrowed his brow, adjusted his body and leaned his head more comfortably against Atem’s chest. “Wait. What do you mean _me?_ ”

Atem pat his shoulder lightly. “You tried to hurt me and my friends a few times, remember? I wouldn’t really say you were… normal, back then. But I’ve always had the ability to make people… reevaluate themselves. And I think when you were in that coma, you were coming to terms with the hatred and misery you carried.” Atem sighed, drummed his fingers against Seto’s arm. “I… I, I don’t know. I’m trying to put this into words, but the more I try to explain it, it just sounds more and more ludicrous.”

Seto looked expressionless. “No, it doesn’t. I think I understand, to the best of my abilities. I just wish… Maybe this is selfish, but I just… wish it wasn’t you.”

Atem shrugged. “I don’t really think I have a choice. I’m kinda used to it at this point.” He looked at the stars. “Who knows, maybe we’ll get to go on some grand adventure again.”

“Maybe,” Seto replied. He wasn’t thinking about anything, really. He kind of wanted to lay down and go to bed.

So they talked a bit more, finished their champagne. And they wrapped themselves in sheets that felt so much better after having soaked skin.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the shipping tags to better reflect the story.  
> I'm sorry if the previous tagging had upset or annoyed anyone, I was aware that it might present some issues but there were many reasons that I was passionate and firm about that prevented me from changing it. But everyone sees the world through a different lens, and my reasoning for leaving it there was deep rooted.  
> Anyway, thank you and happy early Christmas.

 

 

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

  

_Atem woke to the image of his own hand extended towards the sky, draped linens sliding down his arm. Fingers adorned in golden jewelry. He was royalty again, but not of Earth. He knew he was a God; he could see gold dusted onto his skin when he rotated his wrist, it caught the reflections of the Sun. Beautiful, tiny rays of light shone from him. He sat up and he never felt better. His hair was soft against his face, wavy blonde bangs that barely turned into ringlets at the end. His nails were painted gold, he felt the weight of jewelry around his neck. Beautifully layered strands of gold, lapis lazuli and garnet._

_He stood, found himself under a canopy of trees that grew blooming roses. Impossible. But he accepted it, loved how the pink and white petals drifted like snow._

_It was Winter, he knew this. But the Sun, it was so bright and everything looked like the transition from Spring to Summer._

_But maybe that was because he was in another place, where Fall and Winter never came because there was no longer death. The flowers melted into the grass and turned it white._

_“Pretty isn’t it?” A voice asked._

_Atem turned his head. He was surprised that the winged crown he wore felt weightless. But then he realized, maybe he was in a world without pain. Roses unfolded on smooth trees, no thorns. He realized he was in a palace garden much like the ones he remembered from his youth. But the columns, the statues, they were all made from smooth marble. Unusual._

_There was a fountain to his right, grand in size, intricacy beyond comprehension. On top there were four horses rearing, hooves raised and glistening manes crafted from the finest stone. But the lower half of their bodies were reminiscent of serpents, the marine-like tails wrapping around the pillar they sat upon. Layers below contained friezes of flowers and designs, Gods of many kinds. And the water in the fountain was beautifully blue, the hexagonal tiles at the bottom allowed it so. Colors of jade and gold._

_But there was someone inside the fountain, arms crossed on top of the marble ledging. And oh, Atem knew who it was._

_Seto was there, eyes bluer than usual. Atem could see that the ocean rested past them. He appeared to be naked, but his body disappeared beyond the water's surface. His hair moved so subtly, tiny waves as if he was underwater even in air. But it was slight, his hair barely lifted from his shoulders and back._

_“Seto?”_

_Seto smiled back. Atem walked closer to him, bare feet sinking into long grass. Ankle bracelets and chains made subtle noises as they brushed together. He knelt down in front of the fountain, rested his hands on top of Seto’s arms._

_Seto’s skin was smooth, it reflected silver in the light. Atem could feel all the parallels between them; the harmony they shared smoothed complacency down his throat, he felt it in his lungs._

_Because Seto felt like the moon, and Atem knew he was the only child of the Sun._

_He knew his own skin was warm, that his eyes carried colors across them like solar flares. Seto’s eyes were deep, the darkest hues of blue contrasted by occasional light; seafoam dust that reminded Atem of stars in the sky._

_But ocean eyes shut when Atem’s skin was against his, lips parted just barely._

_“I was cold before you touched me,” Seto said. “I was alone before I saw you.”_

_Atem smiled and brushed his lips against Seto’s forehead; the gesture left traces of light behind._

_They both realized then that they could draw on each other, leave traces of their existence on the other one’s skin._

_“You feel like Winter to me,” Atem’s lips dragged against Seto’s cheek lightly until he found Seto’s, he kissed him chastely. “I was burning alone, I was melting. Dying in space when I wanted to walk on Earth with you.” His arms hung over Seto’s shoulders, gold bracelets shifting. Seto didn’t reply with words; he exhaled and pressed his fingers against Atem’s back. He raised slightly, more of his naked body unfolding from the water._

_“But what do we do?” Atem asked against his skin, they were glowing._

_“I want to lay in the grass with you,” Seto offered quietly. Fingers dusting silver on Atem’s body._

_“But the grass is warm and rigid,” Atem replied. “Your skin is too soft. You’ll be damaged; you’ll evaporate. I can’t let you.”_

_Atem dragged his fingers against the outlines of Seto’s ribs, he drew gold on him._

_“But let me offer, let me step into your waters. We’ll embrace there, we’ll be happy.”_

_Seto smiled, but it was bittersweet. “But you already know I won’t let you. You’ll freeze, you’ll lose your warmth. Your eyes, I like them too much. I don’t want to see the flares behind them die out. And you, you’ll drown.”_

_But they wanted to be close, they wanted to be one._

_“What shall we do then?” Atem asked, fingers tracing the indents of Seto’s spine._

_“We’ll do the best we can, we can lay on the ledging of the fountain and drown out our sorrows with the feeling of each other.”_

_Atem complied, he softened the marble surface with rose petals before laying down on the small space. Seto was revealed fully, exposed himself to the Sun because Gods he trusted him more than anything. He laid his head next to Atem’s, they turned to face each other._

_Parallels of each other,_

_Hand moving against cheek,_

_Cheek pressing against hand._

_Legs laced together,_

_Eyes so resilient in different ways that they dimmed each other out._

_Seto’s skin was too warm and the water yearned for him. Atem was too cold, the grass was wilting behind him._

_But their bodies, Gods, when their skin touched... when they drew on each other and blessed the sky with sounds of intimacy, the fine interlacing of gold and silver in their skin mixed until they were lost. But between them they created bronze._

_They became the material of commoners. But they were happy because they weren’t alone anymore; no longer too priceless to be accompanied by anyone or anything._

_Their love was akin to that of mortals, it was not exclusive. It withstood time, and there were palaces built within and without them. They became shelter, and they were okay with this because finally,_

_Finally, they were still._

_They had no more burdens because their bodies slowly stopped moving._

_But there was no other way they’d prefer to cease, because they were one._

_No indication of where one body started and one ended. No distinctive features that could distinguish one from the other because they were a new existence._

_They were happy, they were still. They were together._

_And that was better than life, it was better than death._

 

Atem’s eyes opened softly. His skin felt renewed, his mind euphoric. He spotted Seto when his eyes focused. He was watching the sunrise, sitting at the edge of the bed. Atem shifted, lazily draped his arms over Seto’s shoulders, and Seto’s hands wrapped around them. Atem felt his hair against his cheek, thought there was nothing better.

“Good morning,” Seto’s voice was serene, still laced with sleep.

“Morning,” Atem replied. But there were so many things he wanted to say in desperate affection, because if the world ended right then he wanted Seto to know how much he loved him. But there was never enough time for the words, so he felt his skin, lips pressed against his soft hair.

“You slept well, I assume.”

“Yes,” Atem breathed, smiled and pressed his lips to Seto’s shoulder, arms adjusting to wrap around his waist. “Lay down with me.”

“I have to go to work soon.”

“Do you have any meetings today?”

“No.”

“Then call in sick.”

Seto chuckled, voice soft when he felt Atem’s fingers push his hair aside, lips at the crook of his neck. “That wouldn’t be very honest, would it?”

“Work from home, then.”

“You sound… needy.”

“I am, but even if I wasn’t, I want to celebrate the first good dream I’ve had in thousands of years.”

“Ah, a good reason. You’re right. Perhaps we can… come to a compromise. I _do_ have things I need to do today, but I can just call and say I’ll be in a few hours later than usual.” Seto snorted. “It’s not like anybody can fire me or anything. I just have responsibilities, that’s all.”

“I understand,” Atem wrapped his arms around him once more and leaned him back, they both laid on the bed. Side by side, it felt like his dream. He smiled, brushed his palm against Seto’s cheek, fingers barely tangled in his hair. “I like compromises. That sounds fine to me.”

They were still for longer, it was raining outside. The sun had risen but they were blessed with overcast weather; a blanket they could hide under. They chose more though, they slipped back under unkempt covers and abandoned the coldness in the room.

Atem pressed his body against the other’s, and _Gods_ he wished he could press into him like he did in his dream. He could hear Seto’s heart beating, his nervous intakes, the way his hands were uneasy.

“What’s wrong?”

“I…” Seto’s thumb was brushing against Atem’s shoulder blade, where his birthmark should be. But he didn’t recall it, no, not like Atem did. “This sounds really stupid. But…” He swallowed nothing. “You… I know you _said_ you do. And that, you don’t really lie about stuff like this. But I just… I want to hear it-”

“Yes, Seto, I do love you.”

Seto exhaled, laughed quiety. But he was crying. “Thank you. I just… I wanted the reminder. I just, I haven’t been… it’s so nice to be told that. Or, I guess, it’s selfish, but to know that…” Seto kept on crying, and Atem saw the bits of recovery in his tears, how the damages he carried in his mind were being soothed. “Sorry. I don’t want to get all emotional and stupid on you.”

“No, no.” Atem smiled. “Continue. I like hearing you talk anyway. That, and I do genuinely care. That’s why I’m here.”

“Okay,” Seto sighed. “It’s strange to have someone to confess stuff like this to. I’ve become quite good at internalizing things over the years, you know.”

Atem brushed his thumb on Seto’s cheek. “I know.”

“It’s just… being told I’m loved, or, I guess, knowing someone does, that _you_ do, it’s just… crazy to me. It’s just… scary, happy, and all sorts of indescribable sorts of emotions, I’m trying to get used to it. That’s all. I’m not looking for pity, I… just don’t think I’m a very lovable person.”

“I think… you just can’t see how much you’ve recovered bits of yourself you lost years ago. You…” Atem laughed. “If how you are _now_ is any sort of indication of how you were as a child, you must’ve been, well, you _are,_ incredibly sweet. More selfless than you understand.”

Seto laughed, rubbed at his nose because he couldn’t stop crying, and he couldn’t stop smiling. “Stop it.”

“No, really. You know, there are probably hundreds, _thousands_ of kids that had a hard time growing up that got to go have the time of their _lives_ in KaibaLand for free. That was _your_ idea.”

“Aah,” Seto more or less interjected, and turned his face into his pillow.

Atem smiled, played with his hair. “See, even now you’re too humble to acknowledge that you did good things.”

Seto didn’t respond, just pushed Atem slightly.

Atem fell over unnecessarily, rested his head on Seto’s pillow and kicked his leg softly. “Rude.”

Eventually, Seto’s arm wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him closer.

“Thank you,” he said quietly and turned his head, fairly sure he was done crying.

“Mhmmm.” Atem was tired of speaking, so he kissed Seto’s lips and let his dreams consume his wants. And he almost felt like he was living there, feet gracing Seto’s waters. But maybe it was just the sound of the fountain in the corner of the room, he didn’t know.

Atem was tangled in him, only reached away to grab the lube bottle that was just left on the nightstand at this point. They had no reason to conceal anything, because the house was their own, only their souls crossed beams there.

“Oh.” Seto was watching Atems hands fiddle with the bottle, observing the slight glisten on his fingers. “Alright, then.”

“I hope this is okay, I just… The first time kind of was mostly uncomfortable. I just think I need to get used to the feeling, I guess.”

The bed never felt warmer, and the sheets felt like the sky. It was funny how casual sex felt now, but it was significant and it was exclusive. And it gave them both an excuse to feel something that only the presence of someone else could bring, and _Gods_ they didn’t feel alone anymore.

Seto wished he could lace the inner linings of the walls in his room with their voices and the sounds they made, something so faint and hidden that only _he_ could hear it if he pressed his ear to the surface. But, it was when they were both coming down, when Atem’s loud moans faded out into sighs and they both felt slick warmth radiate from their skin, that Seto decided he could think of nothing better than holding Atem’s hand for the entire world to see. He knew it was selfish, but he wanted the world to see he was _okay,_ that he could be loved, that he could have a normal family like everyone else.

And he thought of New Years.

“You know… Christmas is coming up.”

Seto frowned, focused his eyes and saw Atem laying across from him, their, _their_ duvet cover pulled up to his shoulders.

“Yeah, I suppose it is. I never really… celebrated it, not since I was little, anyway.”

Atem smiled. “Yeah, I mean, I didn’t either when I was a child and I had different religious beliefs, but… you know. _Christ_ mas. And I was born somewhere in the B.C. years. So, you know. No Christ.”

“Yes I know,” Seto snorted. Ran a hand through Atem’s bangs. “You’re a weird one like that, huh? Old man.”

Atem furrowed his brow. “Hey. I’m younger than you probably. I can’t really… quantify my age by the age of my body. That’s too complicated.”

“Pfft,” Seto rolled onto his back and rubbed at his eyes. “Well, your official ‘birth certificate’ says you’re only _slightly_ younger than me by a few months or something.”

_“Thanks.”_

“Mhmmm.”

“So _anyway,_ Christmas.” Atem laid his head on Seto’s chest, watched the sleet drift from beyond the balcony. “It’s in a few days. We should do something for it. We could… I don’t know.” He leaned up, shoulders swaying slightly. “We should throw a _party.”_

Seto’s head flinched back into his pillow just barely. “A party? I… no, I don’t, I don’t know about that-”

“No,” Atem sat up and leaned against the headboard. “Really. I think this could be a good thing for a lot of reasons. One, social interaction would probably be good for _both_ of us. Two, um.” He paused. “I _really_ think you should try and… be on better terms with Yugi.”

“Meh.”

“Seto, he…” Atem sighed. “I’m not going to bother explaining this to you again. If you don’t want to hang out with him, that’s fine. But at least let him stick around to make sure I don’t have terrifying dreams that could possibly kill me.”

Seto closed his eyes. Saw things he hated, things he knew weren’t true but brains could be so _cruel._ He blocked out the images of Atem and Yugi tangled in synchrony, how pleased the stars and Gods would be to see them together. He thought of the time Atem tried to jump off his balcony in drowsy hysteria, and _Gods_ he wanted him to be okay. But, _he_ wanted to be the reason. _He just wanted to help._ “Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I… I can see about throwing a party. But _only_ people we know, and less than 10 people. If we’re holding it here I’m not dealing with messes or broken furniture.”

“Hah. Okay.”

Seto was silent for a while, he was thinking about other people. How Atem kissed him in front of everyone, of established partnerships and families. His parents.

“At… this party, can we… do we have to act… um. Can I hold your hand, and stuff? Or should we keep things private between us?”

“No, no, of course we don’t have to. No secrets.” Atem smirked, slid out of bed with difficulty and stretched his back. “Plus, I think we look quite good together, don’t you agree?”

“Yeah,” _Seto was so happy,_ “I guess we do.”

 

* * *

 

_Shoulders touching, necks reclined_

_Arms extended, hands open_

_And in the negative spaces between us, I felt the voices of millions_

_They whispered what ‘family’ meant_

_I said ‘okay’ and I learned to love the borders of my skin_

_Because they shine with your touch, beacons between you and me_

 

* * *

 


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is /so/ late. I'm sorry.  
> But enjoy!

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_Shoulders touching, necks reclined_

_Arms extended, hands open_

_And in the negative spaces between us, I felt the voices of millions_

_They whispered what ‘family’ meant_

_I said ‘okay’ and I learned to love the borders of my skin_

_Because they shine with your touch, beacons between you and me_

 

* * *

  

Time drifted by, and Winter only got colder. But Seto’s house was warm because Atem picked out festive decorations and covered the house with color and life. And oh, Seto let him because everything he saw was gray scale and subtle shades of blue. Now he saw red, orange, and cream whites contrasted by the green of garlands that winded down the staircase. New plants in previously barren corners, candles and the smell of herbs and aromatic food in the oven. Various games and cards removed from bookshelves and stacked on the coffee table. The soft hum of music filled every corner of the house, and Seto was certain he had never had so much social festivities and joy intertwined into his personal life.

Maybe only a few times before, with his mother and father.

The only thing that would make things _beyond_ perfect now, would be the presence of his brother. But he would keep his promise, and _Gods_ he would try harder and next year, _next year,_ he would be there. And Mokuba would finally see him smile, finally see him _happy._

But for now he was happy having Atem with him, and they were wearing each other's favorite colors. Atem was wearing a long sleeved button up, rich and navy blue in color. Seto wore a thick maroon cable knit and it was cozy. But, it made him look _so_ warm and fuzzy _._ Unusual. It took a lot of convincing for Seto to wear it, he thought he looked stuffy and childish. But Atem loved it, the way his fingers barely emerged past the sleeves. How the collar of the sweater hung loosely around Seto’s neck.

Now they waited, sitting close together on the couch and speaking quietly, for their guests to arrive. Atem wanted to invite _everyone,_ but he understood how dangerous that could be. So they settled on only inviting Joey and Yugi. Nobody else knew about Atem’s nightmares, let alone about his bond with Seto or even him being _alive._ It was just too much for the party to deal with confusion and panic. Too many questions they wanted to leave behind for the chance to feel alright.

“Are you sure this isn’t… too much?”

Atem glanced at Seto, leaned back into the couch and rested his feet on the coffee table. “What do you mean?”

“Like… I dunno. All of the candies and games and stuff. What if they were expecting something... smaller?”

Atem smiled and took a cookie from an intricately designed silver platter sitting on the table, broke it in half and placed one half in Seto’s hand. “Then treat it like a game and say we won.”

It wasn’t long after, when Atem and Seto’s hands had already found refuge under each others sweaters, when the buzzing noise that indicates a guest at the front gate nearly scared them out of their playful hints of intimacy.

Shortly after, there were soft knocks at the front door.

 

* * *

 

Yugi was bouncing back and forth on his heels, watching his breaths form small clouds of steam in the porchlight. He wondered how cold it was the night Atem stood with his bare feet on the same steps, when Seto saw him for the first time with a different meaning.

Joey sighed, rubbed his hands together. “They’re sure taking their sweet time, they _do_ know its fuckin’ freezing out here, right?”

Yugi was thinking about answering, probably, when loud thumps were heard beyond the door.

It suddenly swung open, Atem’s hand barely latched onto the knob, Seto trailing behind him and stumbling. He came to a halt and looked _very_ embarrassed.

They were both huffing, Atem laughing breathily and he _looked at Yugi,_ and Yugi saw everything. It hurt, it stung like a poison.

But it was nice, like liquor. The way he could feel _everything_ that Atem and Seto built together through the heated air of the house as it gust past him. Even if Atem and Seto both died, Yugi knew their presence would never leave this place. It would linger like stale cigarette smoke, stain the walls with the colors they exhaled in the night.

And Seto, _Seto,_ he was wearing warm colors and he looked _so fucking happy._

“Sorry,” Atem opened the door wider, caught his breath. “Seto tried to race me to the door. I won.” He smiled, stepped forward to hug Yugi lightly. “Merry Christmas.”

Seto walked up to the group, but he kept his distance. He wasn’t quite _or nearly_ comfortable enough to hug any of the guests. So he just smiled at them, eyes lingering cautiously on Joey before standing at Atem’s side.

“I wouldn’t really say you won _fairly,_ you pushed me over the back of the couch and ran.”

Atem shrugged, chuckled quietly and held his hand. They all went inside and shut the door.

Even after they’d all sat down on the couch, Yugi was still thinking about the _concept_ of Seto racing to answer the door. It seemed so unlike him, because _Gods_ he was acting like he had never been _cold at all._ He only wished that he could’ve helped, _because,_ because damn it he wanted to be Seto’s friend. But all he ever did was _fuck things up._ He thought of the party in Atem’s memory last year, he thought of yesterday when Seto had crumbled at the sight of his arm around Atem’s shoulder.   
He wanted all three of them to be happy, but that seemed damn impossible. But maybe, _maybe,_ that was why Seto was having this small get together. Maybe he was finally ready.

Yugi smiled, he almost _cried._

Because the house, the house whispered,

_He was, he was ready._

He didn’t know what Seto’s house had looked like in the past, but now it was _nothing_ like he expected, impossible to connect to the Seto he had known for the last few years. He had witnessed him (and himself) fall into dark waters, into the bowels of God forsaken apathy and ignorance. Seto became bitter and terrible, eyes indifferent and exhausted.

But now, _now,_ Seto looked healthier and happier than he had _ever_ seen him.

Ever.

Yugi closed his eyes.

_Two weeks, huh?_

Somewhere in the back of his head, he still heard the quiet voice that asked to be saved; the quiet voice that told him to wait and rot in the dusty corners of his grandfather's house until someone held his hand to their cheek. He told the voice to go fuck itself and took a cookie off the tray on the coffee table when Atem offered.

“I like your house,” Yugi said. Smiled just barely and looked at Seto.

“Thank you,” Seto replied simply. And Yugi could _see_ Atem’s relief that they were talking and not _angry_ through the grin he made, and the way he squeezed Seto’s hand a little tighter. “But you should honestly be thanking Atem, he picked out most of the decorations.” He laughed quietly. “You can tell which ones mine are because they’re the boring ones.”

“Hah.” Yugi blushed at his own words because it was so unfamiliar having casual conversation with Seto, he was intimidated. But he was happy. “I guess, but I like those too. And, you know. The design of the house itself. It’s pretty.”

Seto smiled again. “Thank you.”

They continued on like that, talking like they all had _never fought,_ like they had never dug nails into souls and lives in years past.

Except for Joey and Seto. They didn’t say much of anything to each other.

Eventually the games were brought out, and Atem forgot how much he missed the simplicity of competitive games for leisure without the pressure of gambling his life or someone else’s. He was reminded, then, that the last time he played _any_ game with Seto in the presence of all, was when he had seen him for the last time in his previous life, at the ruins of Alcatraz.

And Yugi,

_Yugi,_

He didn’t want to think about it. All he saw in his mind, in every corridor, was Yugi’s downturned face when he collapsed onto his hands and knees in a different kind of defeat. Tears rolling off of his cheeks, swollen lips from crying too hard. The last time he saw him, before he walked into light. But here he was, in the dim candlelight of Seto’s house and Yugi looked so much older. But now, the way Yugi talked, his mannerisms and quiet smile, his chewed nails.

_He seemed so much younger now._

And Atem worried.

“Your turn, Atem.” Seto nudged him slightly, spoke quietly.

“Oh.” Atem looked at his hand, forgot there were cards in it. He was relieved to find there weren’t Duel Monsters cards held there, only standard playing cards still stiff with newness. He looked across the table, and Yugi was looking back at him. Eyes wide, but he still looked so tired. Atem sighed, drew a card before setting his hand on the table.

“Excuse me, I’ll, um. Be right back.” He stood quietly, walked from the table. Didn’t look behind him. He chose to focus on the quiet thumping noises of his feet on the hardwood floor, how it echoed through the high ceilings _still,_ no matter how much additional furniture he and Seto bought. His fingers brushed against the designs on the banister of the staircase, but his feet carried him to the left. To the guest room. There were many in the house, but this was _the_ room. Where he had discarded the jacket and the scarf Yugi lent him.

The room was the same as the first night he saw it, but he knew that Yugi’s clothes sat in the dresser. He put them there that night, and Seto wouldn’t move them. He could envision it when he closed his eyes, how the tendons in Seto’s hands must’ve been as rigid as his jaw.

Atem sat on the wellmade bed and put his head into his hands because he was _tired_ of being the root of everyone’s sorrows. All he ever wanted, _all he ever wanted to die for_ was others to be happy.

_But it never fucking worked._

“...Atem?” Seto stepped in the room, light from the hallway casting orange across the bed. But Seto saw Atem’s hands, the jacket they were gripping onto. Seto pursed his lips, went still.

And more tears that Atem hadn’t realized he created began to fall from his chin.

_Of course Seto is upset. Someone has to be, I cannot win. But I won’t face my own agony, no, and I don’t want anyone to see._

“But here I am, crying.”

“What?”

Atem hadn’t realized he’d been talking to himself aloud. “Oh. Sorry.”

Seto sat down quietly, close. His weight on the bed gave Atem’s body a good excuse to lean on him. “Is something wrong?” A question with an obvious answer. But he was courteous, and Atem appreciated it.

“Yeah,” Atem sighed. Rubbed at the wetness on his heated cheeks. “I…” He held the jacket closer.

And he felt selfish, and he felt stupid.

“I love you. And, I love Yugi and Joey too. In different ways, yes, but it's love nonetheless. I’ve had… this sort of admiration and cherishment before, in my past. And I realized, I guess, that all I really want is to feel like… I’m allowed to express that feeling. That all of you are my family.”

Seto felt nerves shoot through his neck, his heart.

_Family._

It felt weird, being so flooded with empathy. But it made Seto happy, knowing that he was able to be _good_ , to help, because _Gods_ know he wanted to be. Atem confided in him, and that alone made his doubts leave the guest room, and they gave the huddled figures on the bed privacy.

Seto’s hands were slow when they wrapped Yugi’s jacket around Atem’s shoulders.

“Well, from my somewhat… limited experience, I’ve learned that the best type of family is comprised of those you share mutual love and happiness with. You both have, and deserve that. And… I’m sorry if I ever made you feel guilty for feeling that way.”

Atem smiled, cried, but he was laughing. Smiling. Cheek leaning against Seto’s shoulder.

“I know for certain that I love you. And I’m pretty sure Jou and Yugi love you as dearly as I do, even if it is… a different kind.” Seto frowned. “Well, I mean, I don’t _exclusively_ care about you in a romantic way. Like, there’s other things too. As in, even if we didn’t do… intimate things-”

He didn’t finish speaking his stream of thoughts because Atem’s arms were suddenly around him, arms interlocked and resting on Seto’s shoulders. Atem’s face tucked in the crook of his neck.

“Don’t worry, Seto. I understand. I understand perfectly. And you…” Atem’s eyes were shut, crying because he was so _joyful._ “You understand, too. Thank you.”

Atem’s fingers were running through Seto’s hair softly, feeling his sweater underneath. Little motions. “Thank you. You… you _all_ are my family. And… hah, don’t worry. I think _everyone_ in this house has a pretty broken view of what family means, but we’re all trying.” Atem laughed quietly. “I mean, anyone who could’ve _possibly_ been related to me died a few thousand years ago.”

“Yeah… Most of my blood family, besides Mokuba of course, is either dead or dead _to_ me. But you, you gave me a home to return to. And I can’t thank you enough for that.”

“Hah,” Atem chuckled. Rested his cheek on Seto’s shoulder. “No problem.”

“As for the cheer squad,” Seto giggled when Atem punched his back lightly, “I think I could grow to be a little more fond of them. You know, Yugi and I were _almost_ friends for a while, back when you weren’t...here.”

“Yeah? And what about Jonouchi?” Atem smiled, braided Seto’s hair absently.

“Well,” Seto tilted his head up and Atem cursed when he lost his grip on strands of hair he was working with, “I mean, we never really talked. I think the most significant interaction we’ve had in the last two years was me punching him in the face and him sending me flying over a picnic table and nearly cracking my skull against the concrete, probably.”

“Yikes.”

“Right?”  

They stayed in the silence a bit longer, Atem composing himself by listening to Seto’s breathing and tangling his fingers in his hair. The warmth of Yugi’s jacket around his shoulders, and _Gods_ he never felt so complete.  

“Even though I was hesitant about the idea, I really am glad you organized the party. Wanna get back to dominating everyone at cards? I’m sure you do.”

“Pff. Masochist.”

Seto shrugged, sat up and offered his hand to Atem. Smiled sweetly. “It’s okay, we have a compromise, don’t we?”   
“And what would that be?”

“I get a thrill from the cards, but _you_ get _,”_ Seto’s confidence gave way to shy embarrassment when Atem’s eyes were staring into his. He was _clearly_ amused. “Um. You, you know.”

“Yes, yes, I know, Seto. Save your bad sex jokes for another time, you look _far_ too adorable right now for me to take them seriously.”

Seto just suppressed his grin, cheeks red and face turned.

Atem kissed his stupid flushed cheeks, spoke close to his ear. “Just translate your bad jokes into touch when our guests leave, yeah?”

Seto almost requested the guests leave now, if they could press new meaning into the guest bed and fill the empty walls with their sighs and the shifting of the bed frame. _Gods,_ he just wanted to feel Atem’s skin, witness his spine arch upwards, skin shifting against bones.

Instead, he held himself over by kissing Atem’s lips with meaning, pressed harshly. Tongues brushing against teeth. Seto was _just_ about to give in enough to let his hands drift up and beneath the hem of Atem’s sweater _because Gods his hips radiated warmth, he wanted to feel Atem’s ribs, the outlines of his chest and his collarbones_ when Joey yawned _comically_ loud, the sound echoing from the living room into every fucking empty space of the first floor, probably.

Atem laughed, fixed Seto’s bangs so they framed his face properly. “I’m gonna go win that game now. Contain yourself when I do, okay?”

Seto rolled his eyes, they walked out of the room holding hands. “It’s not like losing is _kinky_ to me, okay. It’s just exciting with _you_ because I win against everyone else and I get bored.”

They walked beyond the archway of the kitchen, Atem smiled when he saw the light switch. Thought of old memories.  

“Welcome,” Yugi called out, slouched over in his chair with his mouth hidden by his arms crossed on the table. _Clearly_ trying not to burst into laughter. Joey was _just_ as bad, only he was polite enough to turn away from them with a hand over his mouth, body shaking with quiet wheezes and snorts.  

Atem sat down at the table, Seto following suit hesitantly. “What?”

“You know,” Yugi’s voice was quiet because it was _very_ hard to keep it under control, “your hallways echo really bad. Sorry I shouldn’t be laughing, but,” he was clearly unable to say anything else and he dropped his head into his arms and gave into whatever hilarity had struck him.   
“We were just talking,” Seto flatted. Nervous. _How the fuck could they hear us kissing? Is that even fucking possible?”_

“Oh, we _know,_ we were kinda worried how quiet it was until you guys left whatever room you were in.” And Joey was being _some_ kind of friendly, being able to look at Seto and continue speaking. “All we heard was something about your losing kink.”

Atem mustered all the strength he had left in his sleepy body to not join the chorus of laughter, and rubbed Seto’s back sympathetically. Because, _because,_ he had never seen Seto’s face flush as fast as it did that night. He had visibly short circuited somewhere, only offered quick and simple defenses like _“no I don’t,”_ _“shut the fuck up, you shitty duelist,” “I never have house guests I don’t fucking know if things echo,” “eavesdropping assholes,”_ and _“get out of my house.”_

But it had the undesired effect of increasing the friendly cackles. At least Yugi apologized a few times. But he kept on smiling. And Seto’s face was _still_ beet red.

Atem stood, put his hand on Seto’s shoulder. “Do you want a drink, sweetie?”

Seto frowned, turned his head away stubbornly. “Are you calling me ‘sweetie’ in a sarcastic or belittling way?”

Atem leaned closer and hugged the side of Seto’s face to his own, hand pressed gently against his other cheek. “Neither.”

Seto felt _some_ sort of satisfaction when Yugi and Joey looked away. “Okay, then yes. I do.”

Atem turned as he made his way towards the kitchen. “Anyone else? As long as you remain polite towards the person that provided all these festive and _expensive_ accommodations.”

Yugi’s head poked out from his arms, and _Gods_ Atem was never so glad to see him so organically _happy_. Even if it was at the expense of Seto’s pride. “Me, please.” He turned to Seto, patted his arm and Atem was surprised when it didn’t jerk away from the touch. “I’m sorry, Seto. We were just teasing, I promise.”

Seto mumbled something accusatory about chains and punk fashion, and then Atem was too far away to hear them speaking. Tracing his finger over printed out instructions to make moscow mules.

It was an unspoken agreement that no gifts were to be exchanged. Yugi was clearly bankrupt, and Atem knew he’d feel bad if he received something but had nothing to give. Seto made the wage gap miles apart so they had _no_ idea where to set the price limit. Atem said to Seto days before the party that their company was invaluable and all he wanted. So they played games well into the evening until Atem’s focus began to drift and he _almost_ lost. He left the table and decided to be the designated bartender and server of the night so he could keep his mind awake and his body moving.

The sun blessed the sky with brushes of orange on grey clouds heavy with snow, and eventually the sky was littered with tiny flakes and clusters. Atem had never enjoyed watching the sunset more, _he always thought of dawn instead_ . He eventually sat closer to Yugi because he _missed him_ and Seto, he smiled at him.

And Atem smiled back.

Drinks kept them laughing until even Seto was unable to restrict himself from making silly remarks, snickering at even _Joey’s_ jokes. Atem was happy, he felt warmth every time he saw Yugi and Joey observe Seto in fascination. He was happy that _finally,_ he wasn’t the only one that could watch Seto’s recovery in awe, see his lost self emerge from the lightness in his eyes.

But his own eyes, they were struggling to stay open. He stood from the table eventually, wrapped himself in a blanket and curled up on the couch. He knew it was childish, but he didn’t say a word. He didn’t want to draw any more attention to what he hated most about himself.

_Tired of being tired._

Minutes passed. The room quieted down.


	46. Chapter 46

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._  

 

* * *

 

Minutes passed. The room quieted down.

Joey placed his character piece further on the board, eyes shifting between the couch and the directions for the  _ extremely  _ complicated role playing game Seto was having them play. 

“Do you think…” Joey’s voice was quiet, just enough to hear Atem’s deep breathing that ensured he was sleeping. “Do you think he’ll be okay?” 

Seto spun ice cubes around in his drink, fingers barely holding the straw. “You mean, like, right now? With the sleeping thing?”

“Yeah.” 

“Well…” Seto leaned back in his chair, scratched at his cheek that was numb and fuzzy from drinking. “I mean, I think so. He only has nightmares occasionally, and they’ve slowed down a little. They’re just… bad in different extremities when he does have them. There was only one time where I  _ really  _ got worried, but. We just don’t really know why it’s happening, or how to make it stop. Except for Yugi hugs, apparently.”

Yugi smiled, but he looked nervous. “I know you probably… don’t like that whole… thing. But let me tell you, whatever Atem’s going through. I think, I think I only felt a  _ portion  _ of the emotional turmoil he was going through- I mean I didn’t see anything I just felt it- but it was… one of the worst things I’ve ever felt. I mean  _ I  _ get sad a lot and stuff, but I don’t think I had ever felt so… emotionally  _ terrible  _ as I did then. He must’ve felt…” Yugi rested his cheek in his palm, looked at the couch. “He must’ve felt so sad. That, and longing... I felt a lot of that, too.” He paused. 

“I had a similar feeling a while back. I… I had a really bad dream. Atem was in it, actually. I didn’t realize it was a dream at the time of course, you just kind of… believe whatever is in it, right? He was just… saying terrible things. Things he’d never say. And  _ Gods,  _ it was horrible. But as soon as I realized it wasn’t actually him, I woke up.”

Seto’s eyes were glued to the table, the little characters on the board. Didn’t say anything. “…Does Atem ever mention what happens in his dreams?” Yugi asked.

Seto thought back, every time Atem had cried out and gasped for air. The first time he told him about his nightmares, what was in them. The dream where they were drowning, where Seto was that of flowers and wax. Asking why he let him drown inside of him.  _ Higher consciousness. _

“They always… involve someone close. But he doesn’t like talking about them, he doesn’t want to worry anyone. He...” The subject was heavy on Seto’s mind, his stomach felt rotten. The drinks that made him feel light now made him feel heavy, stomach filled with tar. 

_ The balcony,  _ he couldn’t stop thinking of the balcony. When Atem tried to throw himself off of it in drowsy hysteria.

_ The balcony. _

“Seto?” 

His hands felt clammy. He wanted to throw up. All he could hear was Atem screaming. He thought about the nights they were close, when they moved past the barriers of skin for the first time. How many noises he’d heard Atem make.  _ Laughs, shrieks, moans, sobs, yawns, screams.  _

_ Screaming, the thing that tore holes in Seto’s throat the most.  _ He felt sick. He thought of the first night with Atem, when they scrambled to the bathroom and Atem threw up. When he told Atem he liked him. How everything changed, how fragile he felt. How fragile  _ everything  _ was. 

“Seto…?” 

A hand on his shoulder, and  _ Gods  _ he wanted it to be Atem’s. He thought it was for a second because Atem had acted through them for  _ years,  _ he had when they first met. When the nameless Pharaoh shattered his soul and left him in the muddy depths to search for the broken pieces. When Seto learned both Atem’s true name and of his  _ death  _ in the same fucking conversation. When Yugi stood across from him, and he tuned out of most of his words because he was watching his mannerisms, just waiting for the nameless Pharaoh to take over and smile at him like he always did. But he didn’t. It was just Yugi the entire time. 

But  _ oh,  _ he tuned back in when Yugi mentioned that it was the Ceremonial Duel that sent Atem away. That it was Atem  _ losing,  _ a feat that should’ve been accomplished by Seto alone, that killed him.

Seto stumbled out of his chair and the floor was curving beneath him and he couldn't see straight. His feet failed him and he stumbled into the wall next to him, used it as support to find the bathroom. Legs trembling, his face felt cold. But he kept moving. He ran away.

He barely made it to the toilet before he started to gag, tears welled but he told himself it was just because  _ everyone  _ cries when they throw up. He wasn’t sad, he wasn’t scared. Only drunk. That’s what he told himself over and over with his hands gripping porcelain, and his  _ stupid fucking hair was going to get in the fucking water.  _ He thought about just tearing all of it out, but there was already tugging at his hair and it wasn’t by his own doing.

_ “Wh, what the fuck?”  _ His lip trembled because he was  _ so nauseated by everything,  _ and his eyes made out the designs of Yugi’s clothing. “Atem?” 

“No, Yugi.”

Seto tried to shove his shoulder to the side weakly, he wanted to get all of the stupid tears off his face but his hands were busy holding onto the toilet for dear life. “What are you  _ doing,  _ Yugi? Let go of my…”  _ What was the word? “ _ Hair, please.” 

“Do you  _ want  _ your hair to be drenched with vomit?” 

Seto didn’t reply, only thought of how ironic it was when he couldn’t speak anymore because he  _ did  _ start to get sick. 

But he didn’t want Yugi to see him so pathetically. His mind played tricks on him, he thought he was throwing up the tar he crawled out of when Atem saved him so many years ago.

_ Embarrassed. Don’t look at my insides, don't. _

_ “Don’t,”  _ Seto’s hand weakly pulled on the handle, hoped the flushing sound would drone out his sobs. “Don’t.”

But the noise went away, and Seto hated how loud his shaken exhales sounded.

“Seto…” Yugi combed Seto’s hair into his fingers, kept it away.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought up Atem’s dreams. I… I’m really sorry.”

And Seto  _ broke,  _ he felt so  _ exposed  _ but he couldn’t help it. He cried, loud sobs echoing in the small room. Porcelain.

His lip trembled, tears accumulated annoyingly at the tip of his nose. He spoke and his voice sounded frail, quiet, because he didn’t want to vomit again. But drinking brought out his truth, and he wanted to  _ talk.  _

He thought it was funny, how Seto had sat beside Atem when he was in the same miserable place that only drinking and anxiety brought them to. That he had confessed everything, right then. He thought about this alot. 

He kept his eyes shut, towards the clear water.

“I love him,” Seto tried to laugh so it didn’t sound like he was crying.  _ “I love him, Yugi.”  _

Yugi’s fingers stopped combing for a second, he saw Seto’s shoulder blades tense. But he continued to brush loose strands back a moment later. “Yeah?” Yugi smiled. He felt something hurt, but he was happy.  _ Happy for Seto, happy that he wasn’t alone anymore.  _ “I bet Atem loves you a whole bunch too.” 

“But he…” Seto exhaled strangely, anticipated another wave of nausea. “I don’t deserve him. I’m awful. I’m  _ disgusting.  _ You two, you do. You-”

_ “Hey.”  _ Yugi’s voice was soft, Seto didn’t think he would find it soothing, but he did. “I love Atem. I do. We both love each other. But we aren’t  _ in  _ love. You can love lots of people-  _ I  _ love a love of people. I love Joey, I love him, I loved my grandfather. Hell,” Yugi laughed, “I think I even love  _ you  _ a little bit. But being  _ in  _ love is an exclusive thing. And with Atem, that is a feeling only  _ you two  _ share exclusively with each other. Nobody else.”

Seto was still, mostly. Only his arms shook. “Yugi, I… I wish Atem and I were dating. I want to be able to say that. People, couples on TV and on the streets, parents I’ve seen, in... in the theme park. They look so happy. I want that. I want to hold hands with him in public.” 

“Ask him, then.” 

Seto chuckled, his voice cracked when he spoke. “This is a rather serious, serious conversation to have while I’m throwing up in front of you.” 

“Yeah, probably. You should if that’s how you feel, though.” 

Yugi’s fingers were still combing through his hair, the only comfort he had. Besides thinking about what could be. “But… He’s… I’m, I’m fine with it. But he’s, you know.  _ I’m  _ going to be ridiculed, but I don’t want  _ him  _ to be. I don’t want him to worry.” 

“Over what?” Yugi furrowed his brow. “...Over being gay?” 

Seto didn’t say anything, a quiet affirmation. 

“Don’t worry. The tabloids will probably be all over it for a while, but it’ll die down. All you have to do is make sure you and Atem shine. Who knows, maybe you two could be an icon to other people who feel scared to express themselves. Then, you’d make  _ lots  _ of people happy. People that felt hopeless and isolated.” 

Seto thought about KaibaLand, about the orphanage in his past. He thought about the kids he’d met in the park, how he wanted to change their lives for the better. Help them shine in ways he felt he no longer could.

“I know you don’t always like to show it, but I know you really  _ do  _ want others to be happy, Kaiba. You’ve done a lot. Yet you can do  _ so  _ much more, and Atem is here to support and inspire you.” Yugi smiled. “He’s good at that.” 

“...Yeah. Yeah. He is.” 

Kaiba smiled, but it was brief because the nausea returned and he was throwing up again, apologizing profusely and making weak remarks about how embarrassed he was. Yugi kept on holding his hair, kept on reminding him him was okay. It was weird that it was  _ now,  _ in the bathroom of Kaiba’s own  _ Christmas party  _ that they would learn how to speak to each other for the first time. Yugi never thought Kaiba would be so endearing, with all of his slurred words of admiration. It was like the Kaiba he knew that grew up too fast was gone, a soft and doting teenager left in his place.

Seto flushed the toilet for the (most likely) final time, and Yugi did his best to help him stand. He was still  _ very  _ tall and  _ very  _ unstable, Yugi was certain if he fell there was  _ no  _ way he could stop him from crashing to the floor and he’d probably get taken as collateral. But Seto was relatively upright and he washed his mouth out a few times, whining and complaining. 

“Yknow, your hair is really long. Are you ever going to cut it?” 

Seto wiped his face, washed his hands twice and rubbed at his eyelids. “I  _ do  _ get it cut.”

_ “Really?  _ But it’s like, almost past your shoulder blades at this point.”

Seto frowned, riffled through the drawers below the sink to find a spare  _ not-dark-magician  _ toothbrush. “I get it trimmed.” A pause. “Do… you think it looks bad?” 

Yugi smiled, patted his shoulder lightly. “No, of course not. It’s really soft.” 

Seto paused, looked at the toothbrush in his hand for a while.

“Atem likes my hair. I think.”

“I’m sure he does.” Yugi smirked. “Probably likes tangling his hands in it.” 

Seto looked at him incredulously before sloppily pushing Yugi out of the bathroom and shutting the door. But it was left unlocked. Yugi sat down and leaned against the wall next to it, waited for Seto to finish so he could help him stumble back to the living room. But amongst the noise of Seto brushing his teeth for the  _ third  _ time, was the sounds of Atem waking up and mumbling conversation to Joey.

Eventually, all four of them were reunited in the livingroom. Seto was doing better, slightly, but he spent most of his time resting his head on Atem’s shoulder and rubbing his cheek against the fabric there.

Atem’s hand was barely tucked under Seto’s sweater, fingers resting on his hip bones, drawing small circles.

Seto groaned, eyes shut in slight pain.

“How much did you drink?” Atem waited patiently for an answer, but Seto only tucked his head away. He looked at the others, who were sitting at the other edge of the couch a with their eyes glued to the television. Old christmas movies none of them had seen before. 

_ “A lot,”  _ Yugi mouthed back at him. 

Atem sighed, readjusted himself and let Seto rest his head in his lap. 

“I have a headache,” Seto muttered, hands reaching for a blanket that was not within reach. But he didn’t move.

“I bet,” Atem sighed. Looked at Joey and Yugi, absently started braiding Seto’s hair. “So… you two aren’t planning on driving back  _ tonight _ , are you?”

Joey frowned. “Well, I mean...  I’m pretty sure if it snows anymore than it already has, my car will get stuck trying to leave. It was already pretty scary getting here, and that was  _ hours  _ ago.”

Yugi looked out the spacious windows across the room. “It’s kinda getting dark, too.”

_ “Nooo.”  _ Seto was whining quietly from Atem’s lap. Holding onto his waist, fingers feeling skin underneath his sweater. 

“Hmmm? You certainly aren't suggesting they drive back in such harsh conditions, are you Seto? C’mon, it’s  _ Christmas.  _ Plus, if I fall asleep on accident, who’s going to help you walk up the stairs and get you water and stuff?”

“But.” Seto tilted his head upwards, dizzy eyes finding Atem’s somewhere in the rolling and blurry world surrounding him. “Remember the bad jokes?”

Atem chuckled, brushed Seto’s hair behind his ear. Adored him. He had never seen him so tired, so unwound, slightly disoriented. “Bad jokes?”

“Yeah,” Seto tried to talk quieter as if Yugi and Jou couldn’t hear him anymore. Somehow. “We were talking in the room. Earlier. And, the bad jokes. You said that later we could…” Seto’s eyes darted to the other two that were  _ definitely  _ trying not to laugh but Seto couldn’t make out their faces well enough to tell, looked at Atem again.  _ “Make jokes,” _ he giggled. Atem shushed him before he said anything else he’d regret the next day. Not only that, but Atem  _ knew  _ Seto was embarrassed of the way he laughed when he was tired or tipsy  _ because he couldn’t tell his brain to laugh differently.  _ If they didn’t have guests, he’d let Seto make all of the humorous comments he wanted, but he didn’t want to risk him saying anything too personal in the presence of others.

“You two can stay in any of the guest rooms, there’s quite a few to choose from, honestly.”

_ “No,” _ Seto complained with his face turned to Atem’s waist. Spoke into the fabric. 

“Baby.” 

Seto turned his head to find the offending voice and saw Yugi, smiling and looking absolutely entertained. 

Joey didn’t dare say anything, he knew he didn’t have the same privilege as the others, that Seto would probably start throwing out silly insults if he said  _ anything.  _

But Yugi, Atem, Seto. They all had a connection that nobody from the outside could ever understand. Joey knew this.

“I’m  _ not  _ a baby. I just want to…” Seto’s hands loosely gripped on Atem’s waist, fingers finding skin underneath his clothing. “I wanna go to bed. I’m tired, and my head hurts.” 

“Okay.” Atem gently removed Seto’s head off of his lap, walked to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water. “Can you walk?” 

“Of  _ course,”  _ Seto defended himself like a child, and stood upright after a few wobbly attempts. “I’m fine, see?”

“Yes.” Atem wrapped a hand around Seto’s side when he began to waver slightly and nearly fell back onto the couch. “Yes, you are.” He turned to look at the others. “I’ll be back, I think he’s done enough partying for the next month or so.”

“Merry Christmas, Kaiba.” Joey  _ tried  _ to speak with as much genuine kindness as he could. 

But Seto frowned. “My name isn’t Kaiba.” 

Joey didn’t say anything, just looked at eyes that glared back at him. But they looked sad. 

“My name is Seto.” 

The room was quiet. Atem shifted all of Seto’s hair to his back when it fell forward, rubbed his shoulder. “Come on,” he said quietly. “Let’s go to bed.” 

“Merry Christmas, Seto. I know you and I…. don’t really get along too much, but. You’ve been a good source of comfort to Atem. You’re a… you’re a really good person. Thanks for inviting us over.” 

“Yeah.” Yugi spoke now. “Thank you. Goodnight…” He grinned, face flushed with comfort and contentedness. “Seto.” 

But Seto, he didn’t reply. He was overwhelmed, because he almost forgot where he was. He  _ swore  _ the carpet below them was old wood, and the voices he heard were that of a family long gone. He thought, for just a moment, that KaibaCorporation never existed at all. That his parents never died, and Mokuba had never left. That he had never committed a crime, and he had never learned to use a weapon. 

He thought, then, that he was holding hands with the version of himself in a far off universe, one where he had never been tainted and he was just a normal adult with a normal family, and…

Even then, he saw himself with Atem. But Atem, in this other world, 

He was his partner. 

No, beyond that.

He was his boyfriend.

_ “Hh,”  _ Seto felt like crying again. He knew he was drunk, that his brain was a mess and his head hurt. But he didn’t care, because he was in his father's cabin. He knew it was so, because it was snowing outside. 

Atem smiled, a small gesture before walking with Seto down the hallway. The stairs were  _ very  _ difficult because Seto insisted on holding hands as they walked, but he was  _ far  _ too unstable to not hold onto the railing. And, Atem’s hands were busy supporting him. 

But their room was close, and he helped Seto get ready for bed. 

After Seto had kicked off the majority of his clothing, he crawled under the covers, arms extended towards Atem, palms open.

“Bad jokes.” 

Atem laughed, held the outstretched hands with his own, fingers laced tightly. He leaned down, pressed his lips to Seto’s softly. “As much as I’d love to… make  _ jokes  _ with you as you call it, I don’t even think you could stay stable enough to do  _ anything  _ intimate that wasn’t you just lying here. Also, I’m going back down stairs for a little while. But there’s water on the nightstand, and if you need me just holler. I’m sure I’ll hear you.”

Seto groaned, weakly tried to pull Atem down on top of him. The other man played along, felt he owed Seto enough to keep him company for at least a  _ little  _ while. 

“You could just… ride me or somethin’.” 

“Maybe later.” Atem kissed Seto’s neck, hands still held each other. 

“What’s it like being on the bottom? Does it hurt? You could maybe fuck-” 

_ “Seto,” _ Atem chuckled. “No. Drink some water and get some sleep.”

_ “Mmmmh.”  _

They listened to the fountain, didn’t talk for a little while.

“Atem.” 

“Hmmm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“... How much?”

“More than  _ anything  _ words could convey.”

Seto thought of earlier, the bathroom. He held Atem’s hands tighter, thought of how his pillow felt against his face. Atem’s scent, his warmth next to him. 

“Atem.”

“Yes?”

“Are you  _ in  _ love with me?”

Atem paused, thought for a second. All the meaning behind Seto’s drunken words. Because he knew now,  _ now  _ were the times when Setos’ brain was most honest. Because his fears didn’t hold him back.

“Yes, yes I am, Seto. I’m in love with you.” 

Seto didn’t reply, only untangled his fingers to wrap his arms around Atem, hugged him close to his body. “Merry Christmas, and stuff.” 

“You too. And stuff.” 

Atem stayed a while longer, made sure Seto drank as much water as he could before waiting until he was breathing slowly. It was rare to see Seto sleeping because Atem was  _ always  _ sleeping, so he cherished seeing him with his eyes closed, no strain on his face. 

Atem kissed his forehead, brushed his thumb across his cheek before walking to the door. 

But he turned, looked at Seto for a minute longer. 

Thought of how close they had gotten, how much had changed.

How, from a distance, 

Someone could assume that Atem and Seto both,

Were just normal lovers.

He smiled and shut the door as quietly as he could. 

“Geez.” Yugi had pulled one of the decorative blankets from beside the couch and curled up in it. “He was  _ really  _ drunk. Does he usually get that bad?” 

Atem shook his head, sat close to the other two. “No. I think he was just really stressed out. I know Seto seems mean and indifferent, but… he’s just scared of getting close to people.” He looked at the carpet, soft textures, patterns. Patterns Seto chose. “He really… is trying, you know. He’s already exemplified many times in the past that he’s a strong person. Now, he’s channeling that strength into healing the scars his stepfather left behind. He was forced to learn how to stand on his own years ago, it must be hard trying to… override and contradict that. Maybe there’s just… a ghosting feeling of consequence and punishment if he starts to let things go and relax a little. But he’ll get to the place he wants to be, I’m sure.”

Yugi pursed his lips, stared at his unkempt nails. 

_ What am I doing? _

He thought about everything. About how Atem died, how it left both he and Seto confused, that of children. But Seto was learning how to walk again, how to run. And he saw how much it hurt, how many times Seto must’ve scraped and bruised his knees. 

Yugi didn’t want to walk, he felt the weight of the world and he was just  _ too tired  _ to push against it. But he knew Seto held the weight of the  _ universe.  _ So how,  _ how? _

Atem frowned. “Yugi? Are you okay? You…”

Yugi laughed quietly. “It was you.”

“What?”

“You. You helped him find himself. Just like you did when we first met him, back when I was a sophomore in high school. I guess… you’re still a God on Earth, aren’t you?” 

_ “Oh.”  _ Atem blushed, rubbed at his cheek. “I don’t know about  _ that.” _

Silence.

“I… honestly don’t remember anything from the afterlife. Or even if I was actually  _ there.  _ All that I can recall is being… not  _ me.  _ Being part of something bigger, like… I  _ existed,  _ I guess, but it was more like I was part of a giant interworking stream of consciousness. Almost kind of, like… I don’t know. Like if the afterlife was represented in the form of a body, I was just one of the cells. But that’s  _ all  _ I can recall. Nothing else. Even then, that memory is very fuzzy, maybe I just had a dream about it and I’m mistaking that for the afterlife. I…  _ know  _ I was destined for Godship. But I fear that being here again, back in the flesh for a  _ third  _ time, I must have been stripped of that privilege, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, but Seto, he-” 

Atem cut him off, smiled. “He’s done a lot on his own. I’m here for support and company, and we make eachother happy. I’ve given him pointers here and there, but this is his journey. Not mine.” 

Yugi thought of her words.

_ There are no diamonds, and if they do exist in the form of humans, they never asked to be one and will never see themselves as one. So in that way, they do not exist at all. They don’t exist. They don’t. _

“Yeah.” Yugi smiled. “I can really tell how much he has gotten better.” 

“And you, Yugi? Have you been okay?”

“Yeah!” Yugi reached forward to grab his neglected drink on the coffee table. 

_ Diamonds don’t lie. _

“Yeah. I’ve been good. Still no word on a job, but. That’s okay. Fingers still crossed for the teashop.”  

He felt Joey lean closer. He found the sympathy comforting but it made him feel so nauseatingly  _ guilty. _

“I feel much better now though, that you're back here with us. I… missed you a lot. I still kind of do, you know, ‘cause you and Seto are always together. Not that that’s a  _ bad _ thing, I just wish I could see you more. Now that I  _ can  _ see you. Haha... I don’t know.”

“Yeah. Don’t worry, we’ll see each other more. I promise.”

It was late now, nearly to the early morning hours. They talked over a few more drinks, Atem picked up where Seto left off in the roleplaying game. After he won, they cleaned up and Atem showed them all the accommodations that he knew of. He pointed out a door for Joey, but he stopped him before he retired for the night. 

“I’m… sorry if this wasn’t very fun for you.” 

Jou smiled, but he didn’t look too happy. Patted Atem’s shoulder with his hand. “Nah, it’s okay. I get it. It’s… it is what it is. There’s a lot going on and I get that I can’t really… I’m not magically connected like all you wizards are.” 

Atem laughed, put his hand on Joey’s. “I get what you’re saying. But keep in mind, that I know Yugi well, and-”

“Yeah, yeah, I-”

_ “No.  _ I know Yugi well, and, I… feel like I know him less now than I ever have. But I know something for certain, that without you there to support him, I think… I. I don’t know.” Atem’s smile went away, but he patted Joey’s hand in return. “I don’t know.” 

Joey didn’t have an answer, he shrugged a few times before smiling again. “I try my best. He’s family to me. I just… I want to make sure he’s okay. That’s all.”

“Yeah.” 

They had no more words to share, and Atem felt bad. That they had so much to share, but it was overwhelmed by  _ every fine wire  _ connected between he, Yugi, and Seto. But poor Joey,  _ fortunate  _ Joey, he was left on the sidelines. Away from the agony, yes, but so disconnected. So Atem hugged him, told him that he missed him. Joey smiled and turned towards the guest room.

Yugi’s door was already shut, but he knocked on it anyway. The door opened, and Yugi had already found a pair of extra clothing that Seto was generous enough to leave in every guest room. The same plain white shirt, the same grey pajama shorts Atem wore  _ that _ night. But a different tag, different fabric. 

He felt nostalgic, everything felt so fucking nostalgic. 

“Hey.” Atem smiled lightly. “I just wanted to say goodnight.” 

“Yeah! I… thank you for inviting us over. I’d tell Seto too, but, you know.” 

Atem laughed. “Yes, I know. He really did go off the deep end with those moscow mules, huh?”

Yugi thought of the bathroom. The words spoken there. 

“Yeah. He did… when you were sleeping, um. We were all talking and the subject got changed to… stuff about your dreams.” Yugi shifted his hands nervously. Felt like the house had eyes tinier than dust, they were all watching him speak. “Seto got nervous really fast and ended up throwing up. I went to make sure he was okay, and, we ended up talking for a while.” 

“Ah.” Atem crossed his arms, looked at the patterns on the polished wood beneath his feet. He felt awful, he hated seeing the small of Seto’s back so perfectly balanced on his finger because fate would have it that they couldn’t let him rest in Atem’s palms. Only the tip of his fingernail, with blackened waters below. “And?” 

Silence in the house, the entire world was sleeping. 

“He really does love you a lot, doesn’t he?” 

Atem was still. He didn’t understand why, but his mind felt like comforting him for a change. He saw everything that was, and everything that wasn’t. He saw Seto, the night he arrived on his doorstep. Arms crossed, and indifferent. When their lips met in desperate need for affection and  _ something  _ when Atem’s back was against the wall. Seto’s small reclines against the bathroom wall. Times they spent together, walking downtown. Outside in the snow. The times when words weren’t spoken aloud, when Atem woke up crying and heaving. The other times, when hands graced arms, skin against skin. Tea in the quiet hours of the night, oh, how many times they had spoken the interweavings of their minds, and let the other one walk through the glowing corridors they created. The first time they had given each other themselves entirely, when Seto accidentally spoke words of love against his brain’s better judgement.    
There was so much, _ so much  _ they had shared in such a short amount of time, he felt like he had been living with him for years, now. And he was okay with this. 

“Yes, he does.”

“And you…” 

But Yugi didn’t finish his thought, because he could feel Atem’s answer in his bones, when Atem smiled at him and put his hand on his shoulder.

“I’ve been thinking, Yugi. I know this all might be… kind of disheartening, in a way. But… I think this is good. We’ve always been close, one in the same.” Atem smiled. “But being so intimate, it was… hard to identify each other as our own. Now that we can walk back a few steps, I feel like I can see you as a whole for the first time. And I think that’s a really good thing, Yugi.”

Yugi didn’t say anything, because Atem was right. So they hugged in the quiet hallway, and finally,

_ Finally _ , 

Both of their minds were at peace. Equally spaced words between them, and finally they could read each other perfectly. And it was  _ finally  _ time to rebuild everything, create their stories anew. 

“Goodnight, Yugi.” 

“Night.” And Yugi turned back to the guest room, shut the door. He knew Atem had started back down the hallway, not because his footsteps faded, but because the warmth in his throat dissolved into nothingness. He wept when his face felt the pillow on the guest bed, he wasn’t sure why. He thought, maybe, he was crying for everything that had happened, and for everything that could have been. But he was also crying for the future, because he could see it now. No more grey scratches against an image of an empty stage,  _ he could see the lights. _


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone!  
> This one is extra special for me because it marks the one year anniversary of posting Fantasy. It really has brought me great places, and I've met lots of nice people because of it. However, because of general health and other personal reasons, I'm sorry to announce that this story is officially going on hiatus.  
> I strongly believe that I will finish it and that this hiatus will only be temporary.  
> I need to catch back up on writing so I can do scheduled updates, and frankly I caught up with myself and cannot continue to do updates as of now.  
> Thank you for all your comments, they really were what kept me going this long. Any last notes or feedback would be appreciated, I'd love to hear.  
> Again, I deeply apologize that this story is going on hiatus, but I appreciate everything up until now and have a wonderful 2018.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

_He had always lived here, at the edge of Everything. The forest at the end of forests, the cliffside at the sea. The only house there, in the world, it hung off the small ledge of rocks and soil that transitioned softly into the porcelain white sands below. The black ocean beyond, it shined like obsidian. Quiet, everything was quiet._

_Atem’s shoes kicked up cobblestones on the pathway home. Shadows flickering about, casted by the lantern in his hand. It guided him through the dark when night came too fast, a beautifully crafted piece of bronze. There was a tiny saucer above the handle Atem held onto, a curved bit that was attached to the candleholder. The candle was suspended upside down, a few inches of space between the flickering light and the saucer below. A tiny pool of wax formed there, in the bronze plate. Atem was always careful when he walked, sometimes if too much melted wax gathered in the saucer it would spill over and burn his hand._

_He supposed he lived alone, so he opened the front door of the house and set the knapsack full of radishes and beets on the worn wooden kitchen table._

_Nothing grew above soil, only under._

_Everything and everyone was born and died within the depths of Earth._

_The ocean casted rays of gray scale across the walls, through the balcony windows. Sliding glass doors that lead to the beautiful wooden deck that looked over the cliffside._

_An iron spiral staircase winded down from there to the sand, from the sand to the inner workings of Earth. Maybe it went all the way through, and the stairs wound like an infinite corkscrew through the universe, through God. Atem didn’t know._

_All he knew is that the sea went on forever, and there was no bottom. An endless expanse in all directions except for the white sands._

_When life forms wanted to return to nothing, the sea is where they went. That is where the warmth was. It pull them under, and they would be deconstructed into evermoving current of the ocean. The fire of souls sank further, past the infinite water and into the core of the Earth._

_Atem thought so, at least._

_He set the lantern on the counter next to the sink, filled it with cold water. Everything was cold. Except for the candle. He started scrubbing dirt off of the vegetables he found, moonlight casting tiny rays of white onto the ripples his fingers made. Barely under the surface of the water. He liked how it looked, he watched his thumbs push soil away. But there were more reflections, that of the ocean that seemed to flicker violently against the walls. A disturbance at the beach. Atem dried his hands off on the small linen cloth he always kept hanging off the door of the stove that never worked. He grabbed the lantern and went outside. It was colder out, the wind had picked up considerably. He shielded the lantern with his jacket, he didn’t know what would happen if the fire went out. How he would relight it, there was nothing._

_The candle’s flame had always been there, if it went out he was sure he would go cold._

_That everything on the surface would freeze his lungs, that his only escape would be the sea._

_Though the water was cold, the warmth of the core of the Earth would beckon him._

_He descended down the staircase, feet touching porcelain sand at the bottom. So soft he worried he’d fall through. But he never did._

_The obsidian waves shifted, and in the night everything was so dark Atem was worried he was stepping into space, that he would fall infinitely if the sand was too thin. He walked to the coastline and knelt down, his arm extended, lantern lighting the sea in front of him. He moved his hand, orange reflections shifting in the water from the candlelight._

_Atem frowned. It was nothing, after all. But there always had been nothing beyond the waters, he supposed. He sighed and set the lantern carefully into the sand. He looked at the water._

_And he knew the house behind him so well, he had always lived there._

_But the water, it felt like a different kind of home._

_A home of flesh and blood, of warmth. But there were no floors, and no dust. His fingers hovered over the surface of obsidian, and he held his breath._

_But all of his wind left him in a sharp exhale, because a hand emerged from the water and grabbed his wrist. Atem panicked and tried to yank his arm away, but the hand wouldn’t let go. He lodged his feet into the sand and tried to push his body from the cold fingers, but the effort only caused more of the other human to unfold from the water._

_Atem was scared because he didn’t want to knock over the lantern, he didn’t want water to splash onto it. He wished the hand would let go. But it didn’t. Instead, a head emerged from the obsidian, neck and shoulders, arms and fingers, the fingers on his wrist. Atem stopped pulling. He knew this face._

_Seto._

_Yes, Seto had lived with him. He wasn’t alone. For years, he and Seto lived in their house and found warmth in each other's skin._

_Atem forgot he was missing. When he was missing. That he was missing at all._

_Seto let go of Atem’s wrist to plant both of his hands firmly into the white sand, and he hauled the rest of his body onto the coast. Naked, dripping with obsidian from the Earth. His body was heaving, ribs shifting uncomfortably as oxygen desperately filled his lungs. Long hair parted into damp swirls down his back. Atem was going to reach out and touch him, but then Seto’s face jolted towards him._

_And Atem, oh Gods, he had never seen Seto look so frightened. Blue eyes barely seen in the night, only reflecting color because of the lantern. He grabbed Atem’s shoulders, panicked._

_Oh, yes. That’s right. The mouths in the Earth had come for Seto, they bit at his robes while he slept and they took him. Pulled him from his shared bed with Atem, down to the white sands. And it felt good, the way the water grabbed at his shoulders and his stomach and pulled him down until he was nothing._

_It was the next morning when Atem realized, because…_

_Yes. That’s right, the candles. The candles, if they ever went out, if the light left or the wax melted entirely, the cold would fill the owners lungs. But Gods, the want to be warm was the strongest of all, and everyone knew. So Seto went that night, because…_

_It was the next morning when Atem realized, because..._

_Seto’s lantern on his nightstand had been knocked over._

_Then, why? Why was Seto here?_

_Seto’s hands were holding his face now, shaking. Cold._

_He was so cold._

_Unusual, it was unusual. Seto’s mouth was moving, he was trying to talk._

_Yes, that’s right. People could speak. People could talk, people could hear._

_But not here, right?_

_Atem couldn’t hear anything. He had never spoken either. He tried to remember if Seto ever tried to talk before. He didn’t remember._

_Seto kept on trying to speak, words appearing to become more desperate. He seemed to be crying. Atem felt his heart race, he was so confused._

_He tried to comfort Seto, tried hold his trembling shoulders still._

_But he was cold, and Atem’s hands stung._

_Seto shook his head, violent little motions. He tried speaking again, but Atem didn’t understand it._

_People didn’t speak. They never spoke. Noise, it never came._

_The waves rolled in, and Atem stayed still. Confused, sad that he never mourned loss, but the loss was here. And the loss had stopped trying to talk._

_Seto gave up, lips no longer making words, instead he bit his lip and he cried. Shoulders shaking in agony. His cold hands held onto Atem’s jacket for dear life. He leaned his head against Atem’s chest and he wept._

_But Atem didn’t hear it. He offered what little he could and untangled Seto’s cold hair from around his shoulder blades._

_They sat there that night, in the light of Atem’s lantern._

_They sat there until Atem was tired and his head started to bob with exhaustion. Seto’s cold lips kissed his cheek and he smiled. But he wasn’t happy. He hadn’t stopped crying. He rested his head in Atem’s lap, and he waited._

_Listened to the bellowing from beneath._

_Atem fell asleep in the light of the lantern. When he awoke again, it was morning. But the sun never came._

_Yes, that’s right. There was no sun. Days passed, but morning had never existed. Not even once. How could he forget? How silly._

_The obsidian ocean shifted slightly, shimmering in the moonlight like it always did. At the edge of Everything. Atem picked up his lantern and walked back up the staircase._

_He considered knocking, but he didn’t._

_Atem lived alone, he supposed._

_There were radishes and beets in the sink. He frowned. They could’ve been floating there for hours, days. Weeks. He had no idea. So he emptied the sink and threw the vegetables away._

_He put on his shoes, he grabbed the bag on the table._

_With the lantern in his hand, he opened the front door,_

_And he went to go find food._

Atem opened his eyes to to the dark and the noise of the ocean dissolved into the noise of the fountain. And he felt so _cold_ . He sat up and looked around, _Gods it was too dark,_ and their lanterns were nowhere to be found. He looked on his nightstand. Nothing. _Gone._ He hobbled out of bed and went to the bathroom. Left Seto’s warmth behind.

_Yes, him too, he had to save Seto from falling into the Earth._

He started rifling through drawers. Meaningless items, dark with no heat. _Gods, where, the closet,_ he threw clothes off their hangers and _it was too dark and he couldn’t see anything without the light,_ but he knew.

 _He knew._ The lanterns, they were gone.

So he sat on the floor and cried. Cried because he failed himself, and he let Seto go _again._

“Atem? What’re you doing?” A quiet and tired voice, Seto’s. From the bedroom.

 _Guilt. Guilt,_ he had to tell him. Tell him how he let it end.

Atem got up quietly. Captured the image of everything he knew, because his eyes would soon see nothing but obsidian and he didn’t want this. He walked back into the bedroom. He could barely see through the night that Seto had lifted his head slightly and was looking in his direction.

“I’m sorry,” Atem said quietly. Got under the covers, and he couldn’t stop shaking. “I’m so sorry.”

“What? Why?” Seto’s hands found his, and _Gods they were warm,_ it was confusing. He remembered him being so cold.

“The lanterns. They’re gone. I, I don’t know where… I’m sorry.” He cried quietly, because he had killed them both. And he felt so foolish. “I’m so sorry, Seto.”

“Lanterns? I… What? What lanterns?”

Atem closed his eyes when Seto’s hands held his, _his fingers were so warm. It didn’t make sense._ “The…” _Warmth._ And he remembered, he remembered the snow. The party. Christmas. Everything. It was nighttime, and he realized there was no beach past the balcony window.

And he remembered that morning would come.

“Oh.” Atem felt terribly embarrassed and miserable. “Oh, um. I. Sorry. I thought… Don’t worry about it. I was just being stupid.”

Silence.

“You’re _never_ being stupid. You’re shaking, though. Turn around.”

Atem did, and he felt arms around his waist. Seto’s stomach against his back, legs tangled in his. He sighed, leaned back into the skin that expelled the cold from his body.

“Was it a dream? Did something bad happen?”

He focused on the heat coming from Seto’s body, the slight feeling of his heartbeat against him. “I…” He closed his eyes. Tried to remember the world that he thought was his own. But it was leaving him, bit by bit. “I think it… was kind of bad. Or something. I didn’t _feel_ bad, though. But, you…”

He thought of Seto’s pale lips. Cold, and wide eyes. _He tried to talk, he tried to speak._

“You were trying to tell me something. You looked really scared. But… I couldn’t hear you. I couldn’t hear anything. You came from the… the ocean, I think. I think I lost you at some point. And, you came back and you tried to speak, and I just… I couldn’t hear you.”  

Seto rested his lips against Atem’s shoulder, small gestures of comfort as he tried to figure out _anything_ to offer as a response. Fingers brushing against ribs, cold feet against calves.

“Seto?”

“Yeah?”

“I just…”

_Seto gave up, lips no longer making words, instead he bit his lip and he cried. Shoulders shaking in agony. His cold hands held onto Atem’s jacket for dear life. He leaned his head against Atem’s chest and he wept._

“Can you just… talk, for a while. Tell me anything.”

_I just want to hear your voice. I want to hear something._

“...Your dreams worry me.”

Atem said nothing.

“I worry about you. I hate seeing you go through so much pain _every time_ this happens. It just… it isn’t fair. You deserve to be out there, changing the world.”

Atem felt his heart drop, and his eyes were wide against the dark. But dawn was breaking, and the sky was starting to lighten. “Maybe this is a sign that I should stop trying to do that.”

No more words were spoken, but somehow the silence was so much worse. So Seto did something he rarely did, and sang quietly. His voice was trained, he was taught frequently in his youth. Atem was a much better singer, but it wasn’t training. It just sounded beautiful the way it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this chapter, please check out my recent story Obsidian, which was inspired by this dream and I will be making frequent updates to it. You can find it on my Ao3 profile.  
> Again, thank you for everything and have a happy 2018.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see!  
> I'll be uploading a few more chapters I already had written. I'm feeling okay to write again. But there will not be weekly updates like before, just whenever I feel like I'm good to post. Thank you.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

Atem opened his eyes to to the dark and the noise of the ocean dissolved into the noise of the fountain. And he felt so _cold_ . He sat up and looked around, _Gods it was too dark,_ and their lanterns were nowhere to be found. He looked on his nightstand. Nothing. _Gone._ He hobbled out of bed and went to the bathroom. Left Seto’s warmth behind.

_Yes, him too, he had to save Seto from falling into the Earth._

He started rifling through drawers. Meaningless items, dark with no heat. _Gods, where, the closet,_ he threw clothes off their hangers and _it was too dark and he couldn’t see anything without the light,_ but he knew.

 _He knew._ The lanterns, they were gone.

So he sat on the floor and cried. Cried because he failed himself, and he let Seto go _again._

“Atem? What’re you doing?” A quiet and tired voice, Seto’s. From the bedroom.

 _Guilt. Guilt,_ he had to tell him. Tell him how he let it end.

Atem got up quietly. Captured the image of everything he knew, because his eyes would soon see nothing but obsidian and he didn’t want this. He walked back into the bedroom. He could barely see through the night that Seto had lifted his head slightly and was looking in his direction.

“I’m sorry,” Atem said quietly. Got under the covers, and he couldn’t stop shaking. “I’m so sorry.”

“What? Why?” Seto’s hands found his, and _Gods they were warm,_ it was confusing. He remembered him being so cold.

“The lanterns. They’re gone. I, I don’t know where… I’m sorry.” He cried quietly, because he had killed them both. And he felt so foolish. “I’m so sorry, Seto.”

“Lanterns? I… What? What lanterns?”

Atem closed his eyes when Seto’s hands held his, _his fingers were so warm. It didn’t make sense._ “The…” _Warmth._ And he remembered, he remembered the snow. The party. Christmas. Everything. It was nighttime, and he realized there was no beach past the balcony window.

And he remembered that morning would come.

“Oh.” Atem felt terribly embarrassed and miserable. “Oh, um. I. Sorry. I thought… Don’t worry about it. I was just being stupid.”

Silence.

“You’re _never_ being stupid. You’re shaking, though. Turn around.”

Atem did, and he felt arms around his waist. Seto’s stomach against his back, legs tangled in his. He sighed, leaned back into the skin that expelled the cold from his body.

“Was it a dream? Did something bad happen?”

He focused on the heat coming from Seto’s body, the slight feeling of his heartbeat against him. “I…” He closed his eyes. Tried to remember the world that he thought was his own. But it was leaving him, bit by bit. “I think it… was kind of bad. Or something. I didn’t _feel_ bad, though. But, you…”

He thought of Seto’s pale lips. Cold, and wide eyes. _He tried to talk, he tried to speak._

“You were trying to tell me something. You looked really scared. But… I couldn’t hear you. I couldn’t hear anything. You came from the… the ocean, I think. I think I lost you at some point. And, you came back and you tried to speak, and I just… I couldn’t hear you.”  

Seto rested his lips against Atem’s shoulder, small gestures of comfort as he tried to figure out _anything_ to offer as a response. Fingers brushing against ribs, cold feet against calves.

“Seto?”

“Yeah?”

“I just…”

_Seto gave up, lips no longer making words, instead he bit his lip and he cried. Shoulders shaking in agony. His cold hands held onto Atem’s jacket for dear life. He leaned his head against Atem’s chest and he wept._

“Can you just… talk, for awhile. Tell me anything.”

_I just want to hear your voice. I want to hear something._

“...Your dreams worry me.”

Atem said nothing.

“I worry about you. I hate seeing you go through so much pain _every time_ this happens. It just… it isn’t fair. You deserve to be out there, changing the world.”

Atem felt his heart drop, and his eyes were wide against the dark. But dawn was breaking, and the sky was starting to lighten. “Maybe this is a sign that I should stop trying to do that.”

No more words were spoken, but somehow the silence was so much worse. So Seto did something he rarely did, and sang quietly. His voice was trained, he was taught frequently in his youth. Atem was a much better singer, but it wasn’t training. It just sounded beautiful the way it was.

Seto woke to the sound of talking downstairs and birds from beyond the windows. He tried to untangle from Atem as gently as he could. He was still sleeping but that wasn’t unusual, he was rarely up before midday anyway. But Seto had slept in _far_ later than he usually did, and his head was _throbbing._ He stretched his back, and with a few awful attempts he managed to get out of bed and headed towards the bathroom.

But he stopped in the doorframe because the room was a _wreck._

Cupboards and drawers below the sinks were open and messy, items carelessly thrown onto the floor. The sliding door that lead to the walk-in closet was wide open, clothing thrown _everywhere._ Most of it was littered on the bathroom carpet, a few articles made it nearly to the bathtub.

Seto remembered last night, barely. That Atem was cold, something about losing lanterns. He was too sleepy to remember the rest. He sighed, and started picking up clothing from the floor.

“You know, I kinda accepted that Atem might get up kinda late or something. But Seto never struck me as the kind of guy that sleeps in.” Joey tapped his fingers on the kitchen table, his personal effects and keys set neatly to the side.

Yugi frowned. “Well, I mean we did stay up kind of late. And… I don’t know. At least _one_ of them was up early this morning. I heard some noises that sounded like drawers being slammed shut or something from upstairs.” He looked outside, _it was so bright._ Water was dripping from awning, the snow was melting.

 _“Ugh,_ nah it’s fine. But we _do_ need to leave soon because driving through slush means it’ll take us at _least_ an hour to get home. And that’s being generous and assuming we don’t get stuck somewhere.”

Yugi frowned. “I just wanted to say goodbye.”

They talked a little more, Joey was devious enough to steal a few of the pastries from last night out of tired spite, but shoved half of them back in the fridge when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

And they almost laughed, because both Atem _and_ Seto looked hungover beyond comprehension. But Yugi didn’t, because he knew Atem wasn’t drowsy from drinking too much. It was just how things were now, and it made him sad.

“Hi.” Seto offered a quick smile, an arm wrapped around Atem’s shoulder. Atem was barely standing, eyes transitioning from being closed or barely open every time they walked forward. They were both wearing pajamas still, sleepy eyed and childish. “Sorry, I’m a little sick from yesterday. I also dragged Atem out of bed because I figured he’d want to say goodbye.” Seto’s voice was low and hoarse, and _Gods_ Yugi felt bad and hoped they’d both sleep for at least 8 more hours after they left.

“Yeah, we need to get going, roads are going to be _terrible.”_ Joey smiled. “But yesterday was fun. Thanks.”

Seto shrugged, smiled. “Yeah.”

Yugi left the tableside, walked up to them. A quiet laugh. “Are you sure Atem’s even awake?”

Atem groaned incoherent words, and finally gathered the energy to look at the others. “It’s early.”

“Sure,” Yugi looked worried. But he sounded fine. He glanced at the clock in the kitchen. “It sure is.”

It didn’t take long before the front door was open to the cold, Yugi and Joey bidding farewells through wrapped scarves and coats. Atem had drifted through most of the conversations without adding much input, his thoughts were mostly of the bed upstairs because it was _too damn cold_ downstairs. Only when he saw Yugi’s coat did he wake up.

“Yugi,” he called out to Yugi’s blinding silhouette, the snow reflected the sun’s rays so brightly that everything outside was white and painful. “Wait.”

Atem left Seto’s side and he found the guest room. He returned with the coat and scarf, the ones from the first night. Yugi’s.

“Um, these… are yours. Sorry I didn’t give them back earlier.”

And his mind drifted to when he was newly alive, the walk they shared in the cold. The forest, the game shop. The hallway. It felt like it happened in a different life, and he was relieved to be free from the anxieties, but he was scared. _There were too many faded scratches,_ too many places where memories were tainted with grey. A broken reel-to-reel, photos that drifted backwards in time and undeveloped themselves. Gray, blank slates.

“Oh.” Yugi was still, a nervous twitch in his lips because he _couldn’t decide how to look._

And everything, everyone around them seemed to disappear into the reflections of the snow. Atem was glad, he didn’t want to see anything. It was much easier with no eyes.

But Yugi smiled despite himself.

“You can keep them, if you want.”

Atem held onto the fabric tighter. “Are… they’re yours, though. Are you sure? I can-”

“Nah,” Yugi looked too happy. “You can have them. They look nice on you anyways.”

The cold drifted in, and Atem felt no warmth in his toes, in his legs. His cheeks. But his hands, they were full of heat from the fabrics he held.

Atem smiled politely, he didn’t know what else he should do. But he was happy, somewhere. “...Okay. Thank you, Yugi.”

Yugi smiled back.

And everything felt bittersweet.

Joey and Yugi finally said their final goodbyes when all their teeth started to chatter, and the door shut.

Yugi stuffed his hands into the pockets of his second favorite jacket, and he walked fast through the slush. Almost fell once.

“Yugi,” Joey’s voice behind him. ”Slow down, you’re going to fall.”

But Yugi was somewhere else, and he pretended not to hear him because he felt the weight of the world dragging on his cheeks, and the bite of the cold distracted him from the feeling. He didn’t want to stop moving, ground would consume him. He was sure of this.

“Yugi! Hey!”

And he didn’t even notice he was crying until Joey’s hand was on his shoulder. Then he was sobbing, and he wanted to sink into the Earth when he stopped moving.

 _“Gods,”_ Yugi’s voice shook with agony, _“Gods.”_

He wasn’t sure what was pulling at him, what was so painful. But he had an idea, and he guessed it was that the idea of what could be tormented him. It wasn’t that he adamantly wished things were different, _but he just needed to cry._

Joey was hugging him, though, and he felt warm. His hand was comfort, gently cradling the back of Yugi’s head. And he knew to remain quiet until Yugi was okay to speak. Eventually, he did.

“I didn’t want the clothing back. I knew they’d smell too much like Seto’s house.”

Eventually they started towards the car, and Joey was glad for the Sun because the windshield was only partially frozen. But he felt stupid for not warming the car up first. So they stood in blinding rays outside until the windows were fogged with heat.

The car was still cold when they got in, and things were silent except for the hum of the engine and soft breathing.

They drove slow through the slush, past the gated driveway. Left Seto’s estate.

Small voices, the radio played quietly. Pine trees sagging under the weight of snow and ice.

“Do you… do you have feelings for Atem? Or, still?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

“Oh.”

“I just… I’m happy for him. They’re probably gonna start dating or something, soon. Seto was talking to me about it yesterday. And… it’s a good thing. It really is. But some stupid part of me still wishes things would’ve started differently, because I’m curious of… how things would be, right now. Right now, if Atem stayed with me at my home and he never came here.”

“Are you just curious?”

“I don’t know.”

“Curiosity seldom leads to good things, Yugi. Especially when things right now are kinda okay. Who knows, maybe it would’ve ended up worse.”

“Yeah, I guess things are kinda okay.”

“They’re fine now, and that’s all we can look to. Anything else is just too uncertain, you know?”

“Yeah. You’re right Joey. The grass is always greener.”

“Yep.”

“Until it’s covered up with sand.”

“Ah?”

“...Thank you, Joey.”

“Hah. No problem. I just care about you a ton.”

“I don’t deserve good people around like you, you know.”

“Sure, you do. You’re like my family, we gotta stick together, and stuff. Cheesy stuff like that.”

“...”

“...”

“There are things in the world worth more than diamonds.”

“...What?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay.”

“I love you, Joey.”

“Hah. Love you too.”


	49. Chapter 49

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

The coat and scarf were placed in the pile of clothes that needed to be washed upstairs, they’d been sitting in the cold for too long. But it didn’t take long for Seto and Atem to find their own heat trapped within glass shower doors. Their shivering arms after the front door shut was reason enough to share skin underwater. Seto had suggested a bath because he loved them, but Atem turned the idea away. The dreams ruined everything.

Seto didn’t mention how the bathroom was torn apart that morning because everything felt too nice and he didn’t want to see Atem stop smiling.

Atem didn’t seem to remember, anyway.

Things felt okay, though. Fingernails digging into soft skin because they were both reaching for so much more, _Gods_ they were trying to hold each other's souls. The smell of mint and soothing blend of herbs and chemicals drifted through the thick air, body washes and shampoos that made everything so much smoother.

Small words, quiet laughs. Sighs when mouths chose words of a different kind. The shower knob was turned off, warm skin to towels, skin to sheets. Seto’s back pressed firmly to the mattress, Atem’s hips against him. Seto hated the way wet hair felt against his pillow, it was uncomfortable and it stuck to his back and neck. But he ignored it because Atem’s lips were on his. The blinds were shut, and they ignored the day and pretended it was a night without sleep or pain.

“So,” Atem chuckled against his neck, “yesterday when you were all drunk and stuff. You _kept_ on trying to talk in some sort of code about bad jokes and sex and refused to drop it.”

Seto frowned. “Yes, I remember. I still don’t feel well.”

“Heh.” Hands glided up arms, to shoulders. To Seto’s neck, traced his earlobes. Palms soft against Seto’s jawline, thumbs on his cheekbones. Spine curled, Atem’s bangs tickling his face. Smiling lips, barely seen in the dark.

Seto swallowed nothing. Thought about how Atem’s thighs felt against his sides, his weight on his hips.  “I don’t think I ever want to move again.”

“Good,” Atem breathed, lips at the corner of Seto’s mouth. “Because I do.” So Seto closed his eyes, and for one of the first times he thought to try and relax. He exhaled, and he his mind, his heart, lungs, _everything that he was made of,_ it all weighed his body deeper into the bed. And there was more pressure, but _God_ it made him feel lighter and it pulled him towards the sky. But it was only Atem’s lips on his neck, the feeling of warm hands on his collar bones that shifted to his chest.

Seto sighed, basked in the idea of doing nothing. Fingers dusting against his ribs, palms against his arms. Mouth at the crook of his neck, soft motions.

And Seto loved it, he found, the idea of nothing. Of laying in the dark and letting the sun grace his skin. Of letting his exhales leave his body,

Eyes be closed,

As lips trailed down his sternum.

“I love you.”

Seto knew it was his own voice speaking, and loved that his body felt free enough to let such personal thoughts escape his teeth before his lips shut tight.

“Love you too,” Atem’s voice was quiet as his hands held Seto’s hips lightly, thumbs pressing into the crevices between hip bones and his lower abdomen, all blanketed by soft and wanting skin.

Seto felt breath below his navel, he bit the inside of his lip. “Do you want me to… like, do anything? Like-”

“No.” A soft kiss.

Seto's jaw was rigid. “To you, I mean. Do you want me-”

“No. You don't have to do anything.” Atem tilted his head up, and even from the suggestive angle his smile was genuine. “Sometimes it's okay to feel something with empty hands.”

The room was warm, silence between them. Seto's heart was warm, and it was full of _everything_ good he felt about Atem.

“You say really… nice things, you know that?”

Atem smiled. “I just speak my mind.”

Seto rested his head against the pillow. Closed his eyes again. “You're my favorite,” he exhaled.

Content in every way.

He let everything that rotted in his mind wash away, and he felt like he was exhaling oxygen. Small noises when Atem's lips finally chose to be around him instead of _everywhere but._

And he lost himself in everything he felt, warmth choked out every bit of _feeling_ he had. Lost in every way but recognizing the feeling of Atem's lips as they drew tight around his length.

Mouth parted, exhales lost in the room. And it was crazy, how fortunate he felt. That he found a home, a safespace, and a beacon all in the same person. But Atem could also move him in more ways than words, the baseline sense of what felt good on skin. And he wanted nothing more than to have Atem sleeping next to him every morning, and he loved being in love _so much._

He didn't even realize how vocal he had gotten, or how roughly he was gripping the sheets, until he was falling over the edge of the cliffside into bliss that Atem had crafted for him.

Back arched, toes curled. His exhales were deep, and he opened his eyes and Atem's, _Gods he loved that hue of red,_ were looking back at him. Lips barely on him, lips turned upwards slightly.

And Seto realized with embarrassment what he had done.

“Sorry.” Seto frowned. “I didn't um, I wasn't paying attention. I didn't mean to…”

But Atem just pulled his mouth away and smiled oddly, feet light as he walked to the bathroom.

Seto wanted to wipe all the saliva off of him but he felt _way_ too calm to move.

And after the sink shut off in the bathroom, Atem was kind enough to bring a small towel with him.

“Sorry, I just. I'm not really all for the swallowing thing. Weirds me out.”

Seto shrugged, just leaned upwards. Smiled, sort of. Talked quietly. “Thank you. I uh, that's weird to like… say in reference to like, what you did but, yeah. Thank you.”

Atem threw the towel at Seto's chest.

“No problem.” Small smiles. “Merry Christmas.”

They cleaned themselves up (again) and changed into the softest pajamas they could find. They weren't going outside at all that day, they knew. Only soft fabrics, clean skin and cuddling on the couch. Warm blankets and old movies, quiet when Atem napped periodically. Only then, would Seto walk as softly as he could to the office room to catch up on work.

Seto was nearly asleep at his desk, words blurring together.

_Only 600 more emails to go through._

He started typing again, and it masked the sound of feet on the carpet. But his fingers stopped moving when a camera was set in front of his keyboard.

A Polaroid. _Just like his father's._

Atem walked to his side, kissed the top of his head.

But Seto's eyes were still locked on the camera. “What is this?”

Atem knelt next to him. “A camera.”

“No, I get that. But, what… what, why?”

“Well, you said that your father found a lot of importance in photographs, right?”

Seto looked at the lens. How it picked up the light reflections in the room.

“Yeah. He felt they captured memories better than the mind.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Seto watched Atem’s hands lift the camera, felt a cheek against his. Lens facing him now.

“Smile.”

But Seto was still with feelings of gratitude and nostalgia, so when the light of the camera flashed and he felt Atem kiss his cheek, he just looked surprised.

“Oh.” Seto was watching Atem’s fingers, they grabbed the photo as it printed, careful to not touch the grey ink.

“C’mon,” Atem was pulling him from the office chair. But Seto felt as if his brain was lagging, miles away. They held hands as Atem guided him upstairs, and they went to the bedroom. Atem knelt under the bed on his side, Seto felt warmth in his stomach, _his side, Atem’s side of the bed, Gods, they lived together in complacency,_ and pulled out what looked, _yes,_

Seto wanted to cry.

It was an empty scrapbook.

Atem was smiling, rifling through his nightstand for a bottle of glue, _he must’ve set this whole thing up,_ and his hands only paused right before he unscrewed the lid to the bottle.

Then he frowned slightly, looked at Seto’s still vacant and surprised face. “I… is this okay? I thought, maybe you might want to, um.” The bottle was set down. “Sorry, I might’ve got overexcited. I just thought it would be fun, but.” He laughed nervously. “Sorry. I was thinking a little too straightforward-”

He paused, because Seto was sitting on the bed, crying.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” Atem bit his lip. “I’m sorry.” Sat next to Seto.

But Seto’s arm was around his shoulder, and it hugged him tightly. “I’m not crying like an idiot because I’m sad. I’m crying because I’m happy.”

Atem sighed, smiled.

“This is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever…” Seto laughed, a small choked nose. “You’re so _nice_ to me. The fact that…. _Anyone_ would want to make… a photobook like that, like my father had, with… _me,_ is just… crazy. I just… I don’t think I’ve ever felt more grown up _and_ like a child at the same time. And you, just… you make everything so much better. _Gods,_ you’re just… you make me feel normal. A _good_ normal. ”

Atem rested his head on Seto’s shoulder. “I’m glad I can… I’m glad I can help. Y’know, we’re just two oddities that even each other out. Two doting weirdos trying to find out what it's like to just be… people.”


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here goes the 50th chapter. I'm happy to have made it this far and pushed to write this as long as I have. Thank you.  
> Slight warning for a sex scene.

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

 

* * *

 

Everything had calmed considerably over the next few days. Seto worked more than he usually did, and after the incident with Atem falling asleep at the teahouse, a unanimous decision was made that Atem would stay over at Joey’s while Seto was at work. Of course, Atem was opposed and somewhat embarrassed, felt that he was treated like a child.

But he knew that wasn’t it, it was only that _everything_ felt so out of his control and he didn’t want Seto to come home and see him injured or dead. He also didn’t mind spending more time with Yugi, it reminded him of days past. Joey too, he missed him.

There was something nice about sitting on the couch with them and watching movies that Yugi and Joey loved during their youth. Atem was learning about the modern childhood he never had, and everything felt warm and comfortable. Only once did Atem have a nightmare, but _Gods_ he could feel Yugi’s warmth when the tar in his heart began to fill his lungs with despair. Somehow, Yugi always saved him from the cold.

Atem was used to wiping tears off of his face that he didn’t know were there after he woke. But Yugi, he was always smiling and happy that he was okay. But it looked like he had been crying too. Yugi would lie and say he was fine.

He should know better, Atem always thought. And it made him sad.

He should know better, because Atem could feel Yugi’s anxieties and tears through the small space that was between their hearts.  

And he wished Yugi wouldn’t lie.

Though he loved those two dearly, it was later when he was happiest. The nights spent watching the water reflections on the ceiling of _their_ bedroom, _his_ bedroom, with Seto’s head resting on his shoulder. Seto slept for longer than he used to, and Atem was rarely ever disturbed from his sleep by the sudden absence of his warmth. The last instance he remembered was a few nights back when he was curious enough to follow Seto downstairs, and he found him sitting at the kitchen table with a cold piece of pizza and his laptop.

And when Atem asked him why he was working so late into the night, Seto said it was because he wanted to finish his list of things to do for work ahead of time so he may come home earlier.

Atem smiled, and he wrapped his arms around Seto’s. Kissed the top of his head, and loved that they were both alive.

_“I can’t finish my work  if you’re holding me, you know.”_

_“I know. Holding you is nice.”_

_“Oh.”_

They sat there for a while, like that. It was three in the morning, and nothing felt better.

But now, it was New Year's Eve, and Seto had never been quieter over morning coffee.

“Is something wrong?”

But Seto smiled as a response. “Happy New Year’s.”

Atem smiled. “Not quite yet. But yes.” His hand reached for Seto’s. “This year ending and the next beginning will be the start of everything good.”

“Yeah,” Seto smiled. “Yeah.

A few hours later, Seto asked Atem to wear his best. When Atem said he didn’t have much, Seto told him otherwise.

“Here,” Seto unfolded a cover over one of the hangers in the closet. “This is yours.”

An _ungodly_ expensive-looking tuxedo.

But it was beautiful, and it matched the one that Seto was revealing next. Luxurious black rayon and polyester, the handkerchief neatly folded in the breast pocket had the KC logo delicately embroidered. Light blue in color, and so was the bowtie.

Atem just stared, knew that he hadn’t worn something this luxurious since his days as Pharaoh. It wasn’t his favorite style, no, but he loved it. But he still was confused, because he did _not_ understand why Seto would blow so much money on something like this. He knew that Seto needed to wear such outfits frequently as custom for prestigious meetings, but not Atem. No, he rarely even left the house, let alone felt like he had a societal purpose or significance anymore.

“What… is this?”

Seto smiled, walked over to him and kissed the top of his head. “You said you wanted a party on Christmas, right? That it would be good for us?”

“Yeah, but-”

“So I snagged us a party at KaibaCorporation. I mean, it _is_ New Years. We throw a party every year, anyway. But this one will be special, because you will be there, with me.”

Atem’s eyes traced the tiny threads on the KC logo, how bright and full of life everything felt. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Uh, I think everyone will be excited to meet you. Rumors have been spreading about me and, you know. Me being spotted with a mysterious stranger. Figured it’s about time people got to meet you and see what I see.”

Atem laughed, but he was still focused on tiny threads. “What, a tired and retired king that constantly falls into slumber?”

“Pff. No.” Seto smiled at him then, eyes blue and full of contented feelings. And Atem thought Seto was lovely. “They’ll see how lovely you are.”

“Hmm,” Atem smiled back at him, kissed his cheek. “I was just thinking something similar about you. Okay. Tonight we party. Don’t let me get too wild.”

“Hah. Okay. Though I have to warn you, some of the rumors about us are a little… odd. Especially regarding theories people came up with from that day you had a nightmare in my office. Loud noises, you know. That sort of thing.”

“Geez, I bet.” His hands felt cold, so he pressed them onto Seto’s arms, and then they slid into an embrace. “We’ve come a long way, Seto.”

“Yes.” Seto wrapped his hands around Atem’s back, rested his chin on top of his head. “Yes, we have.”

Because it felt like eons since he had done so, Atem leaned on his toes, and kissed Seto’s neck. Smiled against him, in that room because everything felt right. “Carry me to bed?”

“I thought you hated that,” Seto sighed because Atem’s teeth were at the crook of his neck, but he knew Atem was careful. They needed to look presentable later and Seto didn’t have a makeup crew for this event.

“Not right now, I don’t.”

So Seto took advantage of the privilege and carried him in his arms, and he loved it.

He loved him.

But it wasn’t until they were both on the bed, kicking their clothing off lazily that Atem pressed Seto’s shoulders down gently with his fingertips.

And Seto swore that those fingers were rose petals against him, and he wanted to inhale the scent of him, and feel soft skin brush against his.

_Eyes be closed;_

As Atem’s mouth returned its work on Seto’s neck.

His words so close to Seto’s ear, he shivered.

“Do you mind if I do the honors?”

 _“What_ honors?” Seto murmured.

But there were fingers trailing down his skin, and a hand brushed against Seto’s upper thigh before dragging fingernails down lightly against Seto’s rear, back to his thigh.

Seto felt his face warm. _He still wasn’t used to this._

“Oh. _That.”_

“Only if you’re up to it, of course.”

Seto rested his head against the pillow, ran his fingers through Atem’s hair, and he felt eyes on his. “Hmmm. We _do_ have the party later and there _is_ the slight discomfort after. But I feel okay, and…” Seto shrugged. “Sure. Why not.”

But when fingers drifted too close, Seto shifted. “Let me do it.” Soft voices.

Atem chuckled. “I said the same thing on that first night.”

“I know.”

Atem let Seto have his privacy, and kept his lips close to his neck.

But he had his own cherished feelings, and it was Seto’s throat vibrating with quiet sounds.

And when Seto was ready and Atem hovered over him, they looked at each other.

“You’re the best part,” Atem said.

“Of what?”

“Of me.”

And time consumed them both through wants and sighs.

The height difference made everything different, but it was okay because Atem never saw Seto unraveled like this.

Noises and hands feeling each other. Quiet whispers of the first syllable of names because the rest was just too much.

Time was frozen for them, but they moved through it because they were warm and they loved each other.

Seto’s breathing quickened when Atem pushed forward, slowly because everything still felt so new.

 _“Ah,”_ Seto sighed, legs shifting. Hands on Atem’s sides. _Warmth._ “Atem, Gods,” small noises.

Mimicked movements that Seto had used in the past, Atem had one hand brushing against Seto’s ribs and the other on his length. Soft movements became faster, and they forgot the world existed because nothing compared. Nothing compared to being _close,_ finding comfort within each other’s bones and fleeting mortality.

Seto’s back did a beautiful thing when it arched, and Atem could see every line underneath his skin. A sure moan of something only kept between them because it was quiet and intimate, and Seto was in another place. Melted in Atem’s hand.

Atem fell into the same place shortly after because _Gods_ he couldn’t handle when Seto let all his barriers down, let him push past them and hold his soul between his fingers. Movements slowed, and Atem fell next to Seto’s side. Skin slick and warm. They embraced and said loving words.

Sleep took them both.

They both stood in front of the mirrored closet door, and Seto put his arm around Atem. Smiled. “We look great.”

Atem frowned. “You know, when we’re both matching like this, it just draws attention to how much shorter I am.”

Seto laughed quietly as he turned to leave. “Well, you have to lose at _something,_ don’t you?”

“Whatever.” Atem trailed after him, and they descended down the staircase, hand in hand. It was time to leave, and Atem had no idea what to expect. Neither did Seto, but for a different reason. _Tonight._

They talked quietly in the car, held hands like they always did. Everything felt so casual, so practiced now. The allure of something new had passed, and now the closeness was just so _normal._

Lane shift, they drove through the day.

The KaibaCorporation Tower was filled with more people than Atem had ever seen. Journalists, the wealthy, even children.

Balloons, people, everything was blue. Inside, the rich were talking over champagne, watching duels take place in elaborate arenas. Atem smiled.

Duel Monsters was still close to his heart, but it felt like the words in his favorite book; he could still skim his fingers along the surface and feel love and nostalgia.

But no more words could be written.

So he would watch, and it was admittedly cute when younger and even older duelists became flustered when their audience suddenly included _the_ Seto Kaiba and his mysterious guest.

A few journalists had the audacity to bring their profession into the party. Seto had strictly asked that all work related business would be set aside for just tonight.

But a woman with fair black hair and ridiculously thick glasses decided otherwise.

Small recorder in hand, she approached them.

“Hi. Quick question, _who_ is this stunning man you’re consistently seen with, Mr. Kaiba?”

Atem swallowed nothing, looked up at Seto.

_Gods, what are they, anyway?_

A small pause. “He’s an important friend,” Seto replied with a professional smile. “I’ve known him since childhood and we recently just got connected again.”

_He’s an important friend._

Atem smiled. “Yeah.”

_He’s an important friend._

The woman turned to face Atem. “And you, are you a fan of Yugi Muto?”

Atem’s neck tensed. “He’s an important _friend,”_ he said with accidental venom.

_He’s an important friend._

“Why do you ask?”

“Your hair. It is _very similar-”_

“We’re good friends, we copy each other.” Atem smiled. “No more questions, please.”

And they quickly walked away, to the nearest lounge room. Atem shut the door quietly.

“What the fuck was _that?”_

Seto closed his eyes, sat down. “I wasn’t sure what to say. I know we aren’t-”

“Dating?”

“...Yeah.”

Atem sighed, sat next to him. “But… we are more than friends, aren’t we?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“Okay.”

After silence that threatened to eat their content night, Seto kissed Atem’s forehead. “Let’s go. I have something to show you.”

“Okay.

They walked to the elevator together, but were unsure how to speak.

Because,

Because,

_What the fuck were they?”_

They went up in silence, the elevator took them to the skies.

_So close, a minute to midnight._

“Want to see the fireworks?”

“I guess,” Atem muttered.

“Aw, c'mon.” Seto kissed the top of his head. “It’s New Years Eve.”

“Okay.”

And when the elevator door opened, there were only a few people there. Quietly talking, flirting, trading cards. Whatever. But the center cleared, because Seto Kaiba had walked into the open space and everyone knew better.

 

And the New Years countdown began.

_10!_

“This is cheesy, Atem said.

_9!_

Bright lights.

_8!_

“I know,” Seto replied.

_7!_

And Seto grabbed Atem’s hand,

_6!_

They were the center of attention.

_5!_

Seto leaned close, his mouth close to Atem’s ear. Voices only heard between them and nobody else.

_4!_

And he spoke in an ancient tongue, one that Atem had never heard Seto speak confidently.

But he did now, and nobody else in the world would understand, no, only those two.

_3!_

Atem listened.

_2!_

And then he smiled, cried, nodded his head violently and threw his arms around Seto’s sides.

_1!_

“So this is the New Year,” Atem cried, and Seto nodded. Everyone was watching.

 

_Happy New Year!_

 

Fireworks, and Seto leaned down and kissed Atem’s trembling lips. And he was happy, they both were so happy, because now they could both shout to the world what the word “boyfriend” meant.

The rest of the night was spent confirming suspicions, finally telling the tabloids and everybody else about their relationship.

About how Seto asked Atem out atop the KC Tower on New Years Eve. From that point on, they held hands in public and loved the feeling.

They went back down to the lower levels and watched duels until early morning. Glasses of champagne, small gestures. At one point, a youth walked up to them.

Asked them, quietly with curiosity, if they were together.  

Atem waited, still unsure. Looked at Seto.

“Yeah,” Seto said. And Atem smiled. “Yeah.”

Everything felt lovely, and the party soon ended because all of the drinks made them sleepy.

It was cold walking back, even with the suits. So they walked shoulder to shoulder, made small jokes and laughed.

“Thank you, Seto.”

He spotted his car in the underground garage. “No problem.”

“Since when did you learn my native language so perfectly?”

Seto shrugged. “I realized that I already knew it.”

“Oh.”

Seto smiled. “Don’t expect to hear me speak it often, I consider it a special talent.”

Seto was kind, and he opened the car door for Atem.

“But don’t you realize how much shit talking we could do? Nobody would understand us. Hah.”

They laughed, kissed briefly. But when Seto went to pull away, Atem grabbed his sleeve and kept him close, kissed him again with meaning. Because everything felt perfect. Lips separated, but Atem stayed close. Words close to Seto’s ear.

“You’re my boyfriend. Isn’t that crazy? I don’t think 16 year old you would’ve ever predicted this.”

“No, probably not.” Seto kissed Atem’s forehead and leaned back to shut the door. “But I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Soft piano keys filled the car as they drove home, hand over stick shift, hand over hand. And as they pulled up to the driveway, for the first time in a long while, Seto felt he could say that his home now belonged to a family.


	51. Chapter 51

_In the afterlife, there is nothing_

_Nothing except the feeling of lightness, of peace and release_

 

_But… I don’t want to be alone anymore_

 

_I don’t want to be alone._  

 

* * *

  

Days passed like hours,

Months like seconds.

 

And the dreams,

They got better, and then they got worse. Atem went over to Joey’s with Yugi frequently while Seto worked just to make sure everything was okay. He still slept most of the day away. Little problems started to arise, from being weak to not hearing things correctly. But it was okay. Things would be okay because Atem said they would be,

And so it was the truth.

 

Winter faded into spring, and soon it was April.

 

The birds outside sang.

 

The bed was warm, because the sun poured through every crevice of the room. It felt orange, and it smelled like flowers. Atem woke midday. It was Seto’s weekend, the day where he just had morning meetings and then he always crawled back into bed and waited for Atem to wake up.

They had so many of their own traditions now.

“Good morning,” Seto said when he heard rustling.

“Hi,” Atem replied quietly. Scooted up, rested his head on Seto’s shoulder. “Whatcha reading?”

“Poetry.”

“Huh?”

 _“Poetry,”_ Seto enunciated a bit louder. Felt his heart sink. But Atem kissed him on the cheek so he decided to forget about it.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Seto put his arm around Atem’s shoulder. And they felt the sun, were complacent with everything. “I do worry, though. We should take you to a doctor.”

“Seto.” Atem sighed. “I already told you-”

“I know, but this is your hearing. This is different.”

“...”

Atem shrugged. “Fine. I will for you. As long as you buy me udon afterwards.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

They were slow to get ready, but they managed to get an appointment that day. Seto had his ways.

And it was a large disappointment, because Atem’s hearing was disintegrating but he was _perfectly_ healthy by normal standards. No causation. Of course, the doctor asked if they could do further tests for the purpose of research, and to help him supposedly. But Atem politely declined.

And he told Seto everything as they walked back to the car.

 _“Why?”_ Seto sighed, and he walked faster than Atem could keep up. “There was more he could have done. There are different specialists for _everything._ Why won’t you let people help you?”

“You know why, Seto. This is out of our-”

“You don’t _know_ that.”

 _“Yes,_ I do.”  

“No. You don’t. I _hate_ this.” Seto bit his lip, _hated_ how fragile he had become, liquid glass that poured into Atem’s broken hands.

“You still don’t believe, do you?” Atem’s voice sounded further away, and it was because he stopped walking.

The middle of an empty parking lot.

“Believe in what?”

“In the Gods.”

“...I do. But not this.”

Everything felt terrible, and it was cold.

Atem stood, stood until Seto was forced to come towards him and hold his hand. They walked to the car together in silence, drove in silence.

When the car shifted into park in front of the udon shop, nobody left. No doors opened, and the heater stayed on.

“Seto, I need to tell you something.”  

Seto rested his head against the steering wheel. Spoke quietly. Shaken, quietly. “Okay.”

“I…” Atem swallowed nothing. Closed his eyes. “I’m going to lose my hearing. I have no valid proof. I just know that it is certain.”

Seto stayed quiet.

“I stopped hearing in all of my dreams since the one with the lanterns and the dead ocean. I haven’t been able to hear in any dream since then. Not one.”

Seto’s shoulders sank, and he wanted to cry. But he didn’t, no, not yet. “Okay.”

“I’ve told you before, this… this body I have. It isn’t _normal._ And… the sleeping all day, and the dreams, the hearing, the weakness, it's all because of my body. And I’m sorry it’s causing you so much stress.” 

“Yeah.” Seto’s voice was broken.

“I can’t be fixed by a doctor. Fate can’t be fixed by a doctor.”

“Okay.”  Seto’s lip trembled. “Aren’t… aren’t you scared?”

“Yes.”  

“Okay.”

“I’m very scared.”

“And there are probably things in your dreams that you don’t want to tell me about.”

“There are. But I won’t discuss them, not until I’m certain. I don’t want to worry you.”

“Okay.”

Atem bumped Seto’s shoulder. “I love you, and things will be okay. Okay?”

Seto nodded, in fear that if he talked he would start sobbing.

_Oh, how fragile._

“Come on,” Atem smiled. “Let’s go.”

Seto nodded, and they got takeout. Atem paid because Seto still didn’t feel like talking. But the staff, they all knew Atem and Seto well by now. So they smiled and waved.

Seto watched from the corner of his eye, how Atem had to ask the woman up front to repeat herself at least twice.  

Seto sat outside on the ledge of the sidewalk. Then Atem sat next to him.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Seto replied.

“Let’s go.”

“Okay.”

The drive back was silent, quiet piano sounds.

Car parked in the driveway, and they went inside.

Atem poured a glass of wine for himself, but Seto went straight for the liquor.

“Seto.”

He grabbed a glass, poured the drink and watched the clear alcohol swirl about.

“Seto. Hey.”

Threw it back, coughed a little because it tasted like poisonous bullshit.

Went to pour more, but Atem’s hand stopped his.

 _“Seto,”_ Atem warned.

A brief silence, and then it all fell apart. Seto cried, wrapped his arms around Atem’s shoulders. “I don’t _want_ this. I don't want it for you. You don’t deserve this.”

“Thank you,” Atem rested his face against Seto’s chest. “I know. There might be a greater purpose. Who knows.”

“Do you really think there is? Who the fuck would _do_ that to someone?”

“I don’t know.”

“This is stupid.”

“Let’s just eat, okay?”

“...Fine.”

The TV was quiet, and the sun was high in the sky.

Seto only ate a little, before bowls were set down and they settled in the comfort of each other. Shoulders touching, a throw blanket on top of them. Small kisses, eyes closed. It was the only thing that felt reassuring enough, and Seto was afraid. Afraid of when the time would come, when Atem would stop hearing him.

And he was afraid, too, that maybe Atem would stop talking. And he realized then, that he loved Atem’s voice more than anything. So he spoke quietly, in the lowlight.

“I love you,” Seto said.

“I love you too,” Atem replied quietly. Soon, quiet gestures were lost in the dark. They both started to fall asleep.

Then the door knocked.

Seto jolted. Froze. “I _can’t_ have solicitors. Who the… did you invite Yugi over? Nobody else knows the gate password.”

Atem shook his head.

“...Okay,” Seto got up. It was careful. “I have security systems in place. Stay right here. If you hear _any_ sound of alarm, run for the panic room.”

The door knocked again, before there was the sound of a key in the lock.

And the door opened.

“Hello?”

_That voice._

Seto’s fingers went numb, mouth open in a surprised stupor.

Wind rushed past everything, and Atem walked towards the door against Seto’s wishes. But he saw the intruder. Quickly and respectably took his leave.

Seto saw, _oh he saw,_

The air was thick with lack of resolution.

The intruder spoke quietly.

“...Hi, brother.”   


End file.
